Just A Little Off Kilter....

Round and Round

2012-02-27T15:25:00.001-05:00

Do you ever feel like a mouse running on a wheel?

I do. But more like a mouse with amnesia. Or an idiot mouse. A mouse who looks up at the wheel ahead of him, fixates on one spot and says “as soon as I get there, things are going to be different,” forgetting that he’s already been there, that it’s all the damn same and no matter how promising it looks, once he gets to that spot, he’ll look around and realize not a goddamn thing has changed. New day. Same wheel. And he’s still a mouse. And this is still his wheel. Things won’t be different, not tomorrow. Or in a year. Or will it?

Tomorrow afternoon I have a call with my doctor from the clinic in Toronto to discuss the disastrous shipment of our embryos. They have been doing an investigation on their end to see if they can shed any light on the situation. After that we have to make a decision. Do we move forward and hope for the best or do we regroup?

Decisions, decisions. What would you do?

The Funny Thing About Insomnia

2012-02-26T22:15:00.003-05:00

And yes, by “funny,” I mean excruciatingly irritating.

The past few nights I have been running around with Our Lady of Misery “Insomnia” and let me just say she can suck it! She comes around the second I rest my head on the pillow…and she stays. I tell her to get out. She ignores me. I get serious...try to evict her with Melatonin and aromatherapy and meditations and hot showers…and yet, she plants herself like a heinous growth at my bedside, terrorizing me. Smelly pirate hooker.

You would think that – after someone spends several days with little sleep at night and reaches the point where she can’t finish a sentence and her brain is mushy enough to be mistaken for cottage cheese – well, you would think she would easily fall asleep the instant she falls back into bed. Right?

You might think that if you’ve never experienced the joys of insomnia firsthand. If you don’t understand how it works. If you think that logic enters into it.

But the truth is that in sleep, as with many things in life, there are no guarantees. There is no “supposed to.” Should does not equal could. You take what you get and roll with it. That’s what you do. I keep looking for that surefire solution and I’ll keep a diligent lookout for it for as long as it takes. But I roll with it.

Meanwhile, I memorize a lot of interesting things while trying to dull myself to sleep. May come in useful someday.

See? Benefits.

Beautiful Sleep by Fifi du Vie via Etsy

TGIF

2012-02-24T15:32:00.000-05:00

Hello Friday. Hello takeout Indian. Hello wine. Hello movie. Hello bubble bath.

It's Friday - I'm in Love by Murs Blanc via Etsy

It's been a long and emotionally exhausting week...I am so happy it's Friday.

I Just Don't Get It

2012-02-23T11:21:00.001-05:00

I'm still reeling from yesterday's news. I don't/can't understand what happened or how it happened. How on earth did the loop containing our last precious embryos just fall out of it's cryo-vial? I just don't get it....

This is a similar type of loop and vial that our embryos were stored in. This was then placed into a holding straw that was then placed into the liquid nitrogen tank for transport.

How it managed to "fall out" of the vial and end up in the bottom of the tank is a mystery. I've contacted the lab and doctor at our old clinic to see if there are able to shed any light on this but I suspect that we just won't have an answer. I'm not usually one for throwing a pity party but honestly, this has just about broken my spirit.

We've yet to make a decision on what we are going to do. I just don't know....

Bad News Bears

2012-02-22T16:08:00.000-05:00

I just got a call from my Doctor and the news isn't good.

Our embryos arrived from our old clinic to the new clinic but there is a problem...a big problem. When they opened the tank the loop that contains the embryos had somehow fallen out of it's protective vial and was laying in the bottom of the tank and this my friends, is bad news bears!

The only piece of good news is that the tank temperature was -180 degrees as it is supposed to be. That means that there wasn't a leak and the embryos should still be quite frozen. The bad news is because the loop was out of the vial that is supposed to protect it, there is a very real possibility that the embryos have been damaged and or destroyed. The other kicker is that the only way to tell either way is to thaw them and that only happens on the day we are supposed to transfer. I could go through with the meds and PIO injections only to discover on the day of transfer that our embryos are not viable.

We have two options - continue this frozen protocol and hope for the best...or...cancel this frozen cycle and go through another fresh cycle.

I feel like someone has kicked me in the stomach and I can't catch my breath. These are our last two embryos.

Emoticon Card by 4/Four Cards via Etsy

Le Sigh

2012-02-22T14:47:00.000-05:00

You know how at the end of a horror movie, there’s often this peaceful, “whew, I’m glad that’s finally over!” scene at the end? The monster was killed, the demon exorcised, whatever—it’s sunny, the birds are chirping, everything is back to normal. BUT THEN, right when you least expect it, one last, stray zombie chomps someone’s head off before the closing credits.

That's kind of how I'm feeling right about now.

I had my Depot Lupron injection this afternoon so I guess this frozen cycle is now in full swing. On one hand...I'm happy to finally get things going. That means that we are one step closer to transfer. On the other hand...I'm scared that we are one step closer to transfer. Make sense?

I hope my future will be filled with sunny skies and chirping birds but if it's filled with stray, chomping zombies am I strong enough to get through that again?

I guess only time will tell.

Dear FedEx

2012-02-21T10:13:00.000-05:00

Today you are picking up a VERY important shipment and it's essential that you handle this package with care. Why so important? Well...you have been entrusted with bringing our two remaining sweet JaAdam embryos to their new home in Ottawa. They are very fragile you see and must be handled with much love and care. I am trusting you...please do not disappoint me!

Warm regards,
Janet

Fragile Heart Box by Krasiva via Etsy

If

2012-02-19T22:23:00.000-05:00

I have decided that IF I do not get pregnant with this next cycle I am going to go sky diving this summer!

You Might Want To Look Away

2012-02-17T13:22:00.000-05:00

You know how sometimes those close to us (or even sometimes ourselves) will have one of those "moments" a brief emotional outburst where they spew stuff that isn’t very pretty to see. A real 'poor me' moment where they rant, rave, cry, wail about how unfair the universe is to them.

If you are a good friend you will know that the last thing they want is for you to try make them feel better, or point out all the things they should be grateful for and how silly or childish they are being. Instead you know what they need is for you to just be there for them, and perhaps utter the words they need to hear: "Yes, it is damn unfair and I am really sorry you are going through this." Whatever the 'this' might be.

So, get ready, I am about to have a ‘moment’ ……..

Start of Moment….

Here I am in the midst of my fourth embryo transfer. One moment I feel hopeful...then defeated. Happy...then sad. Grateful...then jealous.

I am jealous of all those people who decide ‘yes, lets have a baby’, have sex and bam, they are pregnant. No injections, no doctors visits, no pain, heartache, invasive procedures. Just sex, and then a baby.

I am jealous of those people who get pregnant on their first IVF. I am so very truly happy for them...I'm just jealous of them. I feel like an absolute failure in comparison.

I am sad and mad that after all I have been through...I have to go through this again. Have I not been through enough?

And yes, I know there is cancer, poverty, war, heartache, loss, sorrow as well as a million other bad things that life can throw at you. I know I have so much to be grateful for. I know that I am incredibly blessed. I know all of that. But dammit, I want this to work. Three transfers when everything looked perfect and still my uterus remains empty. It hurts.

Life can be bloody unfair sometimes.

End of Moment.

Now that I have that our of my system...moving on!

Send In The Clowns

2012-02-16T08:28:00.000-05:00

Hi my name is Janet and I have Coulrophobia. I've shared this with you before. I still vividly remember the horrifying dream I had last year before we started our first IVF cycle. Tiny little clown babies....*shudder*

Some people love clowns. They think clowns are just funny, happy-go-lucky entertainers with a penchant for wearing silly clothes and making balloon critters.

The rest of us can't sleep, because we know the truth: The clowns will eat us!

You may be asking yourself why I'm rehashing my previous clowns experiences? No, not interested...how about I tell you anyway...

We've recently started watching the new TV series "The River". Fantastic, interesting, different and very, very freaky. Case in point...

The Doll Tree

Now along with the clowns I have to fear the "Doll Tree" which is a mite better than the dreaded "Clown Tree".

Wordless Wednesday

2012-02-15T11:05:00.001-05:00

Aargh Shmallows by Terry Border

Quite possibly my new favourite make me smile site...

Try, Try, Try Again

2012-02-14T16:32:00.000-05:00

It's official....after much unhappiness and displeasure on our part and a thorough conversation with our doctor and nursing team...we have started Cycle #5.

My oh my...what have I gotten myself into?

Zombie Love

2012-02-14T10:57:00.001-05:00

A message for Adam...

Zombie Art Word Print by The Red Kindled Page via Etsy

Happy Valentine's Day!

According To Plan?

2012-02-13T10:55:00.000-05:00

We had a plan. We made decisions. We had a clear vision of our upcoming cycle. Right?

Apparently things change and apparently when they do change, no one decides to tell us. As a result of these changing plans (between our RE and his nurses, minus Janet & Adam), I have spent the past two mornings starting my day off by peeing on a stick, and then waiting for said stick to magically light up with a smiley face as a result of my LH surge and consequential ovulation.

I pee.

I brush my teeth.

I watch the stick flashing.

I wait.

I look again.

And then I get angry. Why am I peeing on a stick to check for ovulation for a mock cycle to prepare for a natural cycle protocol that we never agreed to? Let's backup shall we...

I got a call from the nurse on Friday to discuss my mock cycle...wait, what? "We are not doing a natural cycle" I politely say. She replies "Those are the orders I have". "Then those orders are wrong" I tell her. "Okay, I'll talk to your doctor and get back to you".

Great. This will be sorted out and I'll get the prescription for my Depot Luron that I need to inject on the 14th (which is cycle day 16 in case you were interested. Sharing is caring and I care enough about you all to share).

I was wrong.

I get a call Saturday morning from another nurse advising me that I needed to start using an ovulation test kit to check for my LH surge for my mock cycle. Grrrr. So this issue has not be resolved and won't be until Monday. Her advice was to pick up the kit and start to test...just in case. I didn't ask "Just in case what?" but like a good girl, I picked up the damn kit.

I haven't yet seen a smiley face and perhaps that's a good thing. I'm not really in the mood for a cute little "screw you" smiley face staring up at me. This morning, we've left messages with the nurses, doctor's receptionist and front reception (because no one there ever, ever answers the phone) and are waiting.

Print Typography Poster by Peanut Oak Print via Etsy

Friday Fairytale

2012-02-10T13:53:00.001-05:00

As you all know, Snow White had seven dwarfs she hung out with. I guess she figured she couldn't get a man at the time, so seven dwarfs’ equaled one prince. I’m not sure. I never really got what she was doing with the dwarfs to begin with so that’s just my opinion. I mean, I know the Queen was trying to kill her and all but cleaning up after and cooking for seven guys doesn’t seem like a very good hideout plan. Trust me - I briefly lived with three male room mates in my army years. "Paint Ball In the Kitchen While Drunk" and "Let's Leave Food On the Counter For A Week" were just a few of the games often played in our home. It was NOT pretty. I'm pretty certain that Snow White never really thought her plan through.

But I digress…

According to Disney, the seven dwarfs in question were named Grumpy, Sleepy, Happy, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, and Sneezy.

In my little – trying to conceive, carry and give birth to JaAdam baby fairytale – though, I think of them as more emotions than dwarfs. So, according to me, they are named Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, Hopeful, Happy, Hormonal and on occasion, Sarcastic.

Depending on my cycle, my mood, my day or other possible variables, a different dwarf/emotion takes center stage. Sometimes, it’s Grumpy. Other times, it’s Hopeful. Today, it appears to be a visiting dwarf cousin who has a little drinking problem. He’s called ‘Angry’. But let's not forget the dwarf’s third cousins...

Bloaty - Someone stick a pin in me, please! I'd go for acupuncture, but I might pop like a balloon the minute a needle goes in.

Anxious - Is anyone going to comment on this? Why isn't anyone commenting already? Maybe everyone hates me. That's it. You hate me now. What did I do? I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Yeah, anxiety bites.

Weepy - I could cry at the drop of a hat. Do you need an Oscar award-winning emotional moment? Call me. I'm your girl. Also...Pass the Kleenex, please.

I'm sure that there are a slew of other crazy cousins that I’ll have the pleasure of meeting someday but today…Angry and I are getting to know one another. I got a call from my one of the nurses at my new clinic and apparently there has been a major miscommunication between my Doctor, his secretary and the nurses about the type of cycle I would be on (natural, long medicated, short medicated). It's looks like I'll miss out on getting my cycle started this month and may have to wait yet another month. Feeling angry and disappointed...I guess I just met the dwarf's fourth cousin.

Life In A Fairytale Print by Sweet Pea Murals via Etsy

Money, Money, Money

2012-02-09T16:24:00.000-05:00

"I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay

Ain't it sad.

And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me"

...cause I just gave it all away to my fertility clinic for embryo transfer numbero cuatro.

Now that my wallet has been considerably lightened, my options for entertaining myself must be cheap...free is even better! Jokes are free. This is my free entertainment to all of you and by entertaining you, I entertain me. Win, win!...

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

Clothing Optional

2012-02-08T11:39:00.000-05:00

So remember yesterday when I said I was crazy? Well...what I did this morning is confirmation that yes, I am indeed crazy with a dash of Just a Little Off Kilter.

Wake up, shower, brush teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to work...this is what I do five days a week so you'd think that I would have the routine pretty much worked out by now.

Apparently not...

I get to work, start to take off my jacket and realized very quickly that I never actually finished getting dressed! I put on my lady undergarments, tights and tank top but never put on my dress so there I am standing at my desk wearing my undergarments, tights, tank top, boots and a smile. What!?!?

I dashed home, put on my dress and was back at work before anyone noticed but really Janet?....really! I'd blame it on the drugs but I haven't started any yet!

Oops by Twelve One Designs via Etsy

New & Improved

2012-02-07T10:46:00.003-05:00

Attention Friends...Yours truly is now available in 5 new shades of crazy!

Life is crazy. Work is crazy. Starting another frozen embryo transfer is crazy but crazy is what I do best!

Crazy Art Block by Match Blox via Etsy

Featured & Humbled

2012-02-06T12:47:00.000-05:00

This morning I had a lovely email letting me know that I have been featured on the homepage of BlogHer.com in the Blogging & Social Media topic as a BlogHer Spotlight. BlogHer’s mission is to bring women bloggers exposure, education, community, and economic empowerment. I'm humbled to have been featured and it's lovely to hear that real people actually read the nonsense that I spout.

Thank you.

One Size Fits All?!?

2012-02-06T12:26:00.000-05:00

Our weekend of ice climbing was fantastic. Even though I stomped my feet like a two year old yesterday morning when we woke up to -22C and refused to put my boots on and go outside. Instead, my friend W. and I sat by the fire chatting and reading while the boys braved the cold and ice. Silly boys!

I always need some down time in the evening after a weekend trip to unwind and relax. I usually do that by watching some mindless TV and last night's TV was especially mindless while still being entertaining.

Infomercial - A relatively long commercial in the format of a television program or a short film, usually for television, which advertises a product or service in an informative way.

Oh...I was informed last night but not in a way that I found useful, helpful or informative. Please check out this link and then I'll explain.

Maidenform One Size Fits All Lace Thong

The most terrifying phrase in the English Language has been carelessly injected to the likes of undergarments. Not just any undergarments, "women's" undergarments. And not just any women’s undergarments...thongs. Yes friends, that’s right. Let me spell it all out for you… a genuine, certified, 100% bonafide, in the flesh, one-size-fits-all thong!

Now I can totally play along with the idea that it might fit some. And I can even buy that it might fit most within a certain range… but what I cannot and I mean absolutely cannot get on board with is that one size really truly fits all. And seriously… even if it does? Not sure I want to wear it. I mean, sure one-size-fits-all takes all the guess work and awkwardness out of gift-giving. Even makes most guys look like heroes instead of jackholes in some circumstances but there’s a certain stigma floating about one-size apparel that you just don’t want wrapped around your naughty bits, yes?

How can Oprah, the teeny tiny woman that lives across the street from me and Janet, wear the same pair of underwear? Riddle me that! I don’t want to be wearing the same thong that Oprah and my neighbour wear.

A. Because umm…well...ick.
B. Because how the hell does that work? For real.

C. Because it just cheapens the underwear.

In my humble opinion...some things are just not meant to be One-Size-Fits-All.

Ice, Ice Baby

2012-02-03T12:50:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow Adam and I are heading out for a weekend of ice climbing with a few friends of ours. I need this. I miss climbing. I miss my friends. It'll be good.

We did have another ice tripped planned that we've had on our schedule for over a year but the fact that I haven't climbed ice at all this year combined with all of the infertility treatments and the resulting squishiness of my body, I thought it best to start off small and a little closer to home.

If you climb ice long enough and often enough, it’s inevitable that you will, at some point, be out on a day where the ice is bulletproof, tools bounce off the ice like you’ve hit a rock, and dinner plates are a fact of life. The sounds in those conditions are unmistakeable, ice fragments sound like broken wine glasses and fine china falling down, and tools and crampons squeak like nails on a chalk board. Fortunately, it appears that this will not be the case for this weekend and I'm thrilled about that!

Great weather, great ice, great food and great friends. It'll be just what I need. What are your plans for the weekend? What do you do for fun?

Climbing Guardian Angel at Diamond Lake, ON

On the last pitch of Guardian Angel at Diamond Lake, ON

Spirit Within

2012-02-01T11:07:00.000-05:00

Spirits are carefree.

They should never be held down.

Made of pure energy – They are our very life source.

For every woman, her life spirit is different from others.

Each spirit is unique in it owns way.

As a child our spirits are carefree.

We laugh, we run, we love, as love is given to us.

Sadly, as we grow, our spirits become harnessed by the rules of life.

Saddled with burden.

Spirits are meant to fly high – Free as a bird.

Sadly, our spirits cry when pain is inflicted upon us.

My spirit has been captured and taken prisoner.

It has been beaten, bruised and even scolded in the days of my life.

But my spirit will never die.

My spirit is what keeps me going.

Without it I would surely die.

Although saddled and harnessed, my spirit always always finds a way to show itself and be free.

Freedom to laugh and love when with friends.

Freedom to express myself in writing.

Freedom to wear funky socks.

Freedom to fly my inner freak flag.

My spirit will always shine for all to see.

Yesterday my spirit was hungry and cold – I fed it with a couple (more like a few) red velvet cookies and warmed it with funky socks...

Thanks to Million Baby Steps for my amazing rainbow socks - they make early morning blood work just a little more bearable.

Red Velvert cookies - OMG yum!

My inner freak now has a full tummy and warm feet!

Standing On The Edge

2012-01-31T11:27:00.000-05:00

Today is Cycle day 2. I know...exciting right? And here you thought today was just a regular ol' boring Tuesday! Surprise!

What this means is that we can now get things in motion for yet another frozen embryo transfer...which will also be our last frozen embryo transfer. We have two embryos left from our fresh cycle last summer so whether this cycle ends positively (fingers crossed) or negatively (which has kind of been our thang, yo) it will really be...our last FET.

Why am I signing up for this emotional shite-coaster again? - If you barfed your first time on The Behemoth, that means you should ride it again as soon as possible! Step right up, strap in, and let’s get nauseous! Is it because I have some weird subprimal urge to parent something small? Because I'm insane? The definition of insanity is "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". So it looks like insanity is a definite possibility.

If I'm being completely honest, I'm kind of enjoying my Infertility Vacation. But frankly, there’s more to it. I'm terrified of going through this again. There are a plethora of emotions that surface when standing on the edge of a new cycle. Some good, some bad. I try my best to deal with them as they come and honestly, I don't always do such a bang up job. But I am stubborn enough to get back up and go...again, and again, and again. Hmmmm, I sense a little...insanity.

Perhaps I think it won’t hurt as bad if it fails again, because I will know what to expect this time. Right? Right? Am I ready to once again step over the edge?

Standing On the Edge by Mina

Suspended Animation

2012-01-30T12:04:00.002-05:00

Suspended animation is the state of disbelief I sometimes find myself in. It is marked by a kaleidoscope of emotions, with varying amounts of abject terror, profound sadness and smatterings of hope so strong it takes my breath away.

This morning, once again, there was sunshine streaming through my bedroom window, sending smiles from the universe for another beautiful day. I woke up and realized that inside my heart, no sun is shining at the moment...just silence and darkness. That same energy that has been my silent partner since my miscarriage. A sad quiet heart and a very tired body looking at the sunshine coming through the window feeling so disconnected and far away from that vivid energy. Trying to muster the energy and strength to face another day.

I get up...here comes that sharp pain in my heart, I put my head in my hands and get the hard realization, yes, I did get pregnant and then I miscarried. That harsh understanding hits me...that what I had hoped to be the last ART cycle in my life, was just another one, another one of many.

But...

This morning – I also remember again the lessons and gifts that each cycle gives each and everyone of the amazing women that are willing to go through it. It's what makes me that strong woman that will not give up. It makes me that woman that learns how hard it feels to fall, but how empowering it feels to show up again and not give up, it teaches me to be dedicated, to stay focused and not get distracted by the nonsense along the way.

There are good days and there are bad days.

Daring Adventure Print by Love Wish via Etsy

Spoonerisms

2012-01-27T11:13:00.002-05:00

I love Spoonerisms, mostly because I misspeak a lot. What's a Spoonerism? A spoonerism is when you confuse the beginning sounds of two nearby words. For example, I keep one drawer in my desk at work full of candy for when I need that pick me up sugar jolt. This morning's snack of choice were some jelly beans and because it's rude not to share, I offered some to my boss. "Mr. Boss, would you like some of my belly jeans"? I asked. See...spoonerism!

In case you were interested...but you probably aren't but I will tell you anyway...The term Spoonerism is named after Reverend Spooner, a man of the cloth who lived in the latter part of the 19^th century, no doubt entertaining his parishioners by accidentally swapping syllables. Spooner’s most infamous mix up was when he said, “May I sew you to your sheet?” (rather than the innocuous May I show you to your seat?). One of my other favourite spoonerisms was coined by my rock climbing friend who drunkenly called his favourite bottle of wine... his...wottle of bine.

Words are fun.

Birthdays & Beauty

2012-01-26T15:51:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was Adam's 35th Birthday. I baked him a cake (it was a sad, sad little cake but it was a homemade...sad, sad little cake), bought him balloons and decorated the house a little...

I thought the silly faces would be cute...but they look kind of creepy!

We had a lovely evening. Happy Birthday Adam...love you much!

Adam's birthday got me to thinking about my next birthday. I'll be 37 this summer and I’ve noticed I’m nolonger as young as I think I am. This epiphany usually happens when I look inthe mirror, a habit I'm trying to lose. I don’t wear a lotof makeup usually, but recently (yesterday cause I left work early to bake a cake, baked the cake, looked in the mirror, felt old, went to the mall to buy something to fix it), I forked over $27 for a tube of concealer. I walked intothe makeup section at the Bay...something I never ever, ever do. In fact, I go out of my way to never enter the Bay using the entrance that deposits you into the deep, dark depths of the makeup section. That place has always frightened me.

I put on my big girl pants and faced my fear (no, I will never ever face my fear of clowns so don't even ask). I glanced around like a tourist trying to get my bearings. A woman with dark cascading curls and perfectly airbrushed skin approached me. Her lab coast made me think of dissection. "Can I help you?" she asked. I stepped back in an attempt to avoid her eyelashes. "I'm looking for something that will hide the dark circles under my eyes". She observed me, a specimen under her beauty microscope. She paused and then turned on her six inch stilettos. "Follow me" she barked at me. We stopped at a new counter. "Try this" she said, pulling out a tube the size of a crayon. I stepped closer. Using a Q-tip, she deposited a glob under one of my eyes. "Now dab it in". I started dabbing away but apparently I was doing it wrong. "Use your ring finger", Professor Curls snapped.

I paused to look at my offending finger. I started again with what I hoped was my ring finger. This process was taking a while. "Now you're rubbing. Dab...like this". She took over. "There, do you see how much better you look?" I squinted into the mirror. I saw one partially obscured semicircle. It reminded me of when you draw a picture, make a mistake and then try to correct the mistake. Anyway, she's pressed the pencil so hard that even when she erases it, the original line is still visible, albeit slightly smudged and worn. Like me. "I'll take it", I said in an attempt to make a quick getaway. But before I could make my escape she asked "Can I interest you in anything else?", waving an acrylic nail around. "Perhaps some moisturizer? Anti-wrinkle serum?" I muttered in reply "No thanks, not today". I'd been schooled and scolded enough by Professor Curls, I just wanted to go home.

What I notice when I get home that I didn't notice in the store...is the name of the concealer. It’s called, Cover FX - Camouflage Concealer. Apparently, the heavy-duty equipment’s been called out. Wish me luck. I’m going into battle.

Why I Did It

2012-01-25T09:35:00.000-05:00

Ichose to give up Facebook. I don’t regret it, not even a little bit.

Sure, I know Facebook can be a useful tool. Youcan share photos, keep in touch with long distance family and friends, scheduleevents, share funny videos, favorite articles or interesting news. But on theflip side…

DidI really need to see 184 photos of "Fran’s Dirty 30 Party," filledwith enough drunken divas to last a lifetime? Or did I really want to know that you “just cleaned the grout in the shower and now its time for a sleepysleep!" Or that you’re “burning the steaks on the BBQ!" Perhaps theywouldn't be burning if you were actually in front of the barbecue, instead oftelling your Facebook friends about it? Or do I really need to know that you“just ate a hot dog and a diet coke for lunch”. I came to realize that no, Idon’t need to know any of those things.

Aftersome time without it, I’ve begun to think that Facebook actually does a lotmore harm to relationships than it does good. With news about babies and housesand jobs and marital statuses, social networking can create a false sense ofintimacy and lead to pretty lazy communicating. You don’t have to carry onfull conversations anymore: Instead, you can click a thumbs-up signifyingjust how much you “like” the fact that the girl who sat next to you in yourhigh school English class landed a new job.

Quitting Facebook hasn’t made me call peoplemore, nor has it inspired me to answer all of my emails in a timely manner. ButI have noticed that I can genuinely ask people how they’re doing and notalready know their answer based on their hourly updates. I have more time towrite notes and cook meals (cooking isa skill I seriously need to work on) and send emails. I ‘m no longer curiousabout what my old army (yes, I was in the army) buddies are up to, nor do Ispend hours wondering why I wasn’t invited to a party I never would have wantedto be invited to in the first place.

I know these feelings are my own fault. I knowthat Facebook isn’t evil and that there are plenty of other mediums that can bejust as detrimental to human relationships. But for me, Facebook was by far the worst.

Through blogging, I’ve met creative, interesting people who inspire me and uplift me. Many of us have formed truefriendship. Blogging helps me stay in-tune to the ideas of others, and itinspires me to be better.

Facebook wasn’t doing any of that. And guesswhat?

People still, amazingly somehow, get a hold ofme if they need me. They call, or comment on this blog, or text, or email. Mylife did not end when I quit Facebook. Instead, I think it got better. At thevery least, that simple act of quitting has helped me tobecome better.

And that’s enough reason for me to stay off fora very long time.

Things I'm Terrible At

2012-01-24T09:23:00.000-05:00

There are a number of things I'm terrible at. Doing anything crafty tops the list, followed by walking in high heels, cooking and anything requiring opposable thumbs.

The other thing that I am terrible at is telling jokes. I heard a great joke the other day from a friend and I wanted to share and pass along said funny joke because I was on a mission to spread laughter and joy!

My mission was a complete failure. Why did it fail? It failed because I suck at telling jokes and what ends up happening is that my attempt at telling a joke...is the joke.

Here is a list of things that can go wrong:

I move my lips while I rehearse the joke.
I start with the punchline, but don’t realize this until the end.
When I notice my audience is engaged, I take creative liberty and add my own flair. As always, I go too far.
I rush it.
I go too slowly.
I forget it.
I remember it, in the wrong order.
I do weird body movements, such as rocking forward or looking off to one side.

I am the destroyer of jokes and I should be ashamed of myself.

Funny Nose & Glasses by Vicky Day via Etsy

I Missed It

2012-01-23T16:38:00.000-05:00

Happy Chinese New Year!

Today marks the beginning of the Year of the Dragon. Did you know that last year was the Year of the Rabbit?

I didn't know that last year was MY year...I missed MY year. How did I miss MY year? Truth be told, I would like to forget about last year but before forgetting forever, I took a look back at what last year was going to have in store for me according to the Chinese Horoscope for the Year of the Rabbit...

"For those who are born under this zodiac (that's me, good ol' 1975), things may not be very rosy, as evil stars can cause much obstacles in your life in 2011. Although this may be your year, your wealth luck is not strong. Do not get into arguments (oops, didn't heed this advice), drive safely (or this one), manage your finances well (gave it all away to my fertility clinic), avoid risks in all fronts, curb your anger (oops...I think I failed at this one too) and be more considerate towards your loved ones (I tried, I really did). Make new friends (blogging has allowed new friends to come into my life), focus your thoughts, and be prepared for all impediments in your path (three IVF failures I'm sure can be considered impediments). But do not despair, there will be spikes in your luck from time to time. (If there were spikes, I sure didn't notice them)."

Looking back...perhaps it was a good think I didn't know it was MY year.

Let's hope the mighty Dragon will be kind to the little Rabbit this year.

2012 Year of the Dragon print by Dahlia Press Shop via Etsy

Do You Fondue?

2012-01-22T11:10:00.001-05:00

It's been cold here in Ottawa. The kind of cold that makes your nostrils stick together when you take a deep breath in...through your nose of course...but I have to admit...that nostril sticking stuff always makes me giggle? Why...cause I'm weird that way.

I also have to admit that I still find myself slipping into a dark place. It has been slowly getting better since the miscarriage. Time passes, life moves forward. But there are still moments of profound sadness that sneak up on me, catching me by surprise. So last night I took matters into my own hands. I decided to dip my cold, broken heart into the great chocolate fondue of love!

First the fire...

then add strawberries, bananas, kiwi, pineapple and cantaloupe, chocolate & enjoy...

The aftermath...I ate until my belly begged for sweet mercy and then ate just a little more!

What about you...what makes you feel better when the weather is cold and you are feeling down? Do you fondue?

Giggle

2012-01-21T11:41:00.000-05:00

They way in which peoplefind my blog is always good for a giggle. Take this one for example…someonesearched for "Do Area 51 employeesfly out of McCarran airport every day or every 51 days?" and this led themto my blog about infertility and IVF. Huh? Too funny!

Giggle art print by Art By Trudy via Etsy

Just realized that this is my 200th post. Hmmm...I really do talk alot! Happy Saturday!

New Clinic, New Hope

2012-01-20T12:47:00.000-05:00

This morning we had ourappointment with our new RE here in Ottawa and wow, I feel so much better. Ihave renewed hope. I have to admit that hope is something that has been alittle hard to come by lately.

We spent an hour with ourdoctor this morning and had a very good in depth conversation about our pastcycles and what are next steps will be. I also had some blood work drawn tocheck my thyroid as well as some swabs that I hadn’t yet had. Much to Adam’sunhappiness, he’ll also do another SA. We did this in part to beprepared if we decide to do a fresh cycle instead of another frozen transfer. Ileft feeling much better than when I went in.

We have decided on the recommendation of our doctor to moveforward with FET #3. While our two remaining embryos are Grade 2 (our clinicuses a 1-4 system with 1 being the best and 4 the worst), I did get pregnantwith them last month and that’s encouraging. I’ll be on the exact some protocolas FET #2. Start Depot Lupron on cycle day 16, embryo transfer approximately 48days later. I’m happy with this. We has success with this (even though it wasshort lived) it was success. When we are ready, I say February for an Apriltransfer, Adam says March for a May transfer…everything is lined up and ready.

In the meantime...I must do my very best to relax as all good things come to those who wait.

Vintage Sign by Small Bird Studio via Etsy

Show Me The Money

2012-01-20T11:30:00.000-05:00

Why Janet? Why did you do it?

Last night as I sat thinking about today's appointment with our new RE and clinic...it occurred to me that since embarking on this IVF journey in our guest for baby JaAdam, that I had yet to sit down and really crunch the numbers. How much have we really spent on fresh cycles, frozen cycle, medications, travelling...the list goes on. I did that last night. I should have left it alone. Sometimes not knowing really is better than knowing.

Let me say that we have been blessed with fantastic drug coverage and for that I have been incredibly grateful. When you are told that your lifetime coverage for fertility medications is $15,000 you think "Great. We have more than enough coverage" I thought wrong. Since June of 2010 when we started our first cycle of IVF and now, on the verge of FET #3, we've spent a grand total of $13,500 and change in medications alone. That $15K isn't looking so BIG anymore.

I also looked at what we've paid to our Fertility Clinic as well as the travel and miscellaneous expenses, and yeah...I might have thrown up in my mouth a little when I added that number up. I know...ewww!

I can say this....without a doubt it's worth it and if I had it to do all over again...I would do exactly the same thing. That wee JaAdam baby is in our future. I feel it, I know it, I believe it.

Show Me the Money by Typogy via Etsy

Ready To Go

2012-01-19T11:07:00.000-05:00

Here I stand, at the brink of yet another cycle. I am petrified, terrified beyond belief. It’s like walking into the lion’s den, after you’ve already been mauled, nearly to death, yet in you go again, knowing the danger. I have to do this, the alternative, giving up, is something I can’t and won’t contemplate.

Ready To Go by Lyric A Day via Etsy

Tomorrow morning we have our appointment to get cycle #5 underway.

Is Your Body Baby Friendly?

2012-01-18T15:15:00.000-05:00

I'm going to go with no on this one but I do have hope that my hostile uterus can be tamed into carrying a wee baby. I've been whispering sweet nothins' and treating her kind in hopes she'll warm up and be a little more loving and inviting!

I ordered this book after hearing some good things about it and after three failures I figured it couldn't hurt. It arrived today and I plan on giving it a read tonight. Have any of you read it?

Is Your Body Baby Friendly?

I'll let you know what I think.

Black Hole

2012-01-18T11:24:00.000-05:00

The black hole in my house is expanding. Not only have I lost my memory card and my extra pair of glasses, but the wooden buttons that I bought to sew on a sweater are missing now. Add those to at least 3 socks, a little green button I've been meaning to sew on an old comfy sweater, my French book (in case I ever decide to go back to night classes...I'll need it), half a package of cookies, one of my favourite earrings, a flower charm from my bracelet, my pizza cutter (not Adam's little wee pizza cutter but MY big bad pizza cutter), about half a dozen Tupperware lids, 3 tubes of chapstick, a brush from the downstairs bathroom and 3/4 of my memory.

Seriously, where does this stuff go? It's not like my house is so big that stuff could get lost in one of many rooms. Why can't I find these things? I'd love for someone to come up with small, inexpensive homing devices that could be placed on your items. I would certainly put one on my car keys, my camera, my glasses (you know, my extra pair that I'll need when I lose my current pair), the brush (that thing always disappears!), my cell phone...you get the idea.

How does stuff like this disappear? I'm left wondering if burglars break into my house and decide they just can't live without a French book or a green button. Where does everything go???

P.S. I may know where the half a package of cookies went. Shhhh.

Supermassive Black Hole Print by Deep Space Photography via Etsy

The Good Life

2012-01-17T11:24:00.002-05:00

Everybody wants that thing called “a good life.” Well here’s my question, what does that even mean? Exactly what is it that moves a life from “an average life” to “the good life”? For that matter, who gets to decide what constitutes a good life?

If you asked a hundred people those questions, chances are you would get a hundred different answers. But even in the variety of answers, you would find several common areas that are important to almost everybody. So, while your definition may vary from mine, there are many things that we would both consider necessary for the good life.

I have a good life.

Despite the struggles of the past few months I am incredibly grateful that I am healthy, I am lucky. There are those unfortunately that struggle with their health. I did something today that I hope will allow me to give back.

I signed up with One Match. The OneMatch Stem Cell and Marrow Network was originally established as the Unrelated Bone Marrow Donor Registry. It is dedicated to recruiting and locating compatible, committed, healthy, unrelated donors for patients in Canada and around the world. It took five minutes of my time and a trip to the mailbox.

Please visit One Match today.

Finding The Words

2012-01-16T11:56:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to write this post for a while now but the words never seemed to come out just right...

Last month, I experienced a chemical pregnancy, and a loss at 5 weeks. To date, after three cycles, this was the only confirmed pregnancy I've experienced. We transferred two embryos on day three of our second FET cycle. My first beta at 13 DPO was 43. The doctor said to me “ Congratulations, you're pregnant.” But, we all knew 43 wasn't high enough. The second beta was 41. That was it. For just over one week I was pregnant. Our embryos, our babies, weren't healthy enough to survive and thrive. I started bleeding at 5 weeks. I was so thankful to have made it that far. I don’t know why, but that really meant something to me...to make it to 5 weeks.

Since then I’ve struggled to make sense of what happened. Being pregnant for one week. What does that mean?

I've spent a lot of time thinking about the term “chemical pregnancy"...what it implies. Technically, any pregnancy that ends before 6 weeks and the identification of of a sac or pole is a chemical pregnancy ~ according to my RE. Anything after 6 weeks is technically considered a miscarriage. Many of the chemical pregnancies I’ve heard of end before they’ve begun. The woman starts to bleed when she would normally expect her period, despite a positive pregnancy test. Typically, women (who aren’t obsessive-POASers like we infertiles) may not even know that they've had a chemical pregnancy. Mine fell somewhere in between. Part of me felt like I was lying when I said I had miscarried. Part of me felt like I didn't deserve to grieve but to me it was a real pregnancy. And it is a real loss. Calling it “chemical” makes it seem like it was something less than that. But to me...it was very real. I know you might not all agree with that and most doctors wouldn't, either. But I need this to be recognized as a real and valid pregnancy. Especially after going through IVF, and getting my very first positive pregnancy test ~ this brief pregnancy was the result of so much effort and love and intention. We were devastated to lose it.

Please know that I'm not trying to make more of it than it was. But, the reality is that it was a pregnancy. I even have a picture of the embryos who snuggled in and struggled to live. It could have been our first child(ren) together. We loved those babies every single second they were with us.

I've grieved this loss. More than I had thought I would, honestly. It’s been a long, painful process. But, I'm also thankful to have something to grieve. I know that we were so blessed to have a pregnancy, even if only for a week. I'm still feeling emotional. I wish I were still pregnant. I miss the potential that we lost that month. That was my first pregnancy since starting this journey...chemical or not.

Perhaps by Small Bird Studio via Etsy

Answer Time

2012-01-16T10:38:00.001-05:00

I did say that I would post the answers to themovie quiz quote yesterday…but…I am a liar and am just getting to it now and Ireally have no good excuse as to why I didn't post it yesterday so pleaseforgive me!

Here are the answers to the movie quote quiz:

Batman
Jaws
Pretty Woman
Back to the Future
Miss Congeniality
Con Air
The Truman Show
The Sound of Music
Notting Hill
Princess Bride
Goodfellas
Princess Bride
Rush Hour
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Lethal Weapon 4

All the Answers by aRose Photos via Etsy

Quiz Time

2012-01-14T13:39:00.000-05:00

A couple of days ago I may or may not have bragged that I'm an awesome movie quoter. I might have even used the word "Superhero". So in honour of that post I've come up with a movie quote quiz. Why? cause it's geeky and lame and I happen to have embraced my geeky, lame side. This is also a nice distraction from thinking and or talking about my hostile uterus and the heartbreak of my miscarriage. Distraction is the theme of my life these days. How many will you get correct? I'll post the answers tomorrow.

Have you ever danced with the devil in a pale moonlight?
We need a bigger boat.
You make a hundred dollars an hour and you got a safety-pin holding your boot up.
Roads? Where were going, we don't need roads.
You think I'm gorgeous, you wanna kiss me, you wanna hug me.
I said... put the bunny in the box.
In case I don't see ya...good afternoon, good evening and good night.
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love me.
Inconceivable!
I'm funny how? I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? Funny how? How am I funny?
Thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?
Do you understand the words that are coming out my mouth?
Snakes. Why'd it hafta be snakes?
We're getting too old for this!

Okay, I'll stop now.

2 Tickets for the Cinema by Vintage Dicitionary Art via Etsy

You Just Need To Relax

2012-01-13T12:56:00.001-05:00

“Youjust need to relax. Then you’ll get pregnant”

I've heard thisone a lot. Thanks for this valuable tidbit! Ionce again heard this today when talking to someone that I barely know (afriend of a friend) that apparently knew that we have been struggling to getpregnant which is cool. I’ve been pretty open and honest about our struggle. Iam not ashamed.

I had no idea that was all it took to getpregnant! And to think, this entire time I’ve been trying IVF and frozen embryotransfers, not to mention copious amounts of infertility drugs! I reallymissed the memo on that one. Damn.

Just for therecord…taking a week long vacation to Jamaica and sitting on the beach is notgoing to magically impregnate me. It may have worked for a friend of yourcousin Bob but that doesn’t mean it will work for everyone. If a vacation wasall it took, trust me, I wouldn’t have spent thousands of dollars on IVF and instead gone on vacation! Inall fairness to Jamaica I’ve never been and maybe the island does have magically impregnate powers. I'm also pretty sure it’s a lot morefun that a cycle or two of In Vitro Fertilization. Hmmm..."Adam, want to go to Jamaica?"

The #1 reason to never, ever say this to someone is prettyobvious. If I told you, “You just need to lose weight, then you’ll getpregnant,” I’m basically calling you fat. By you telling me to relax, you’rebasically calling me uptight. Your “tip” is really just an insult, masqueradingas bad advice.

The other gem that was passed along was “Have you tried puttingyour legs up in the air?”

Ah, another gem for the “Captain Obvious” category. I can’t evencount how many people have told me this. Puttingyour legs in the air after sex, when you’re trying to get pregnant, is right upthere with arranging deck chairs on a fast sinking cruise ship. It might makeyou feel better, and will make the deck look orderly, but it won’t be the big thing that makes a difference.

I am always willing and accepting of advice thatpeople want to pass along. I know that they mean well and then have the bestintentions so please…keep them coming. It’s always great for a laugh and I canuse some laughter in my life!

Relax Pillow by Honey Pie Design via Etsy

My "Other" Resume

2012-01-12T14:20:00.001-05:00

So there I was…(I always wanted to start a story that way and even though it totally doesn’t fit here… I’m using it because I can.)

So there I was. Thinking about what my real-life resume would look like. You know the one where I’m just brutally honest and not try to convince you that I’m the greatest thing since strawberries met shortcake. Here goes, my dirty laundry list that may or may not be all-inclusive and/or may or may not be mostly true.

I suck at faking things. Happiness, liking people whom I don't...Just to name a few.
I might have a minor condition or disease where I tend to say stupid stuff at wildly inappropriate times which subsequently results in the lack of ability to dislodge my left or right (pick one) foot from my mouth. Which is particularly troublesome on the days I need to walk and talk at the same time.
When you want me to be somewhere at a certain time you should probably tell me to show up like 5-10 mins before that. I admit, I really hate this trait but unfortunately it’s not my fault that the universe is out to get me. Or that tiny little fairies mess with my clocks all the time. Either way I assure you, it’s still not my fault.
I love to stop at random/lame tourist attractions. World's Tallest Ukrainian Lady? I’m there. Museum of Questionable Medical Devices? You bet your sweet ass! World's Largest Chocolate Waterfall? Oh yeah! Worlds largest Popcorn ball? Why not...I like popcorn. Anyway, a 4-hour road trip with me will actually take 11. Plan accordingly.
I sometimes make inappropriate jokes when I am uncomfortable, nervous, stressed, and you know what? Shag it, I do this even when I’m happy. (see #2) In my defense, my jokes are really, I mean really funny!

UPDATED: I’d like to add a #6 because I strongly feel this is imperative for a resume… I’m a movie quoter. I can quote movies like a superhero!

Huh?

2012-01-11T11:31:00.000-05:00

Every once in awhile I'll take a peek at how people are being directed to my blog and usually I see what I expect. There are usually words/terms that you would expect if someone searches for IVF or infertility. One from this morning though got me going "huh". It appears that someone was directed to my blog by searching "Can pregnant women eat Singapore Mei Fun".

I had no idea what that was so I turned to the all knowing Google to educate me.

Turns out that it's a very yummy looking dish chalk full of shrimp, bean sprouts

and noodles. Yummm...if I didn't have an anaphylactic allergy to shellfish, I'm sure

I would try it. It puzzles me though how that search term would have led someone

to this blog.

Things that make you go huh?

Only Three Weeks?

2012-01-11T09:52:00.000-05:00

Why is it so hard to change bad habits? I know what I need to do. I know how to make healthy food choices. I know that exercise is important. I know these things. But do I DO them? Nope. Not lately I haven't. Why is that? I think perhaps I have been using IVF as an excuse. Why don't I make the changes I know I need to make in order to accomplish my goals? Why is it so darn difficult?

One of my bad habits when stressed is that my eating proper meals turn to garbage. Well not literally cause that would be gross but you get what I mean...don't you? Work was crazy yesterday. Heck...life has been crazy lately and one thing that I do when life gets a little crazy and stressful is to stop eating proper meals. I was planning on getting a salad for dinner last night. I was looking forward to eating a big salad. I really craved a salad. I was even going to stop again at the Walmart SuperCenter (making sure that my zipper was indeed zipped up) to buy salad making supplies. But when 5 pm rolled around and I started eyeing the tin of cat food that was sitting on a nearby desk, thinking that I was hungry enough to go for a little Fancy Feast (I mean, it's FANCY and it's a FEAST. How bad could it be? Wait a minute...why does a work mate have a can of cat food on their desk?), I started rethinking my salad idea. By the time I left work and drove past a drive-thru and then got to the drive-thru, I was so hungry that I ordered a burger much to big for such a small me, an order of fries, a large Coke and of course, dessert. I mean, I was hungry, people! Who wants to take the time to chew on field greens when they're emaciated? I want a cow!

Another time I eat garbage is when I'm overwhelmed. I work well under pressure. I like being busy. When my calendar is full of commitments, I buckle down, organize everything and get cracking. No problem, right? But I've found there's a fine line between busy and overwhelmed. When I start to cross that line, I shut down. I no longer prioritize and take care of business. I can no longer break projects into smaller chunks and get it done. I sit there like a deer caught in the headlights, not knowing what to do. So I do nothing at all. I don't know where to start, so I don't start at all. Instead, I reach for the pretzles, or chips, or ice cream, or skittles, or sugary pillows of goodness. OK, fine - I reach for all of the above. Hey, I keep busy that way, right? Well, my mouth is busy anyway.

I read somewhere that it takes 3 weeks to break a habit. It does make sense, I suppose. It takes time to retrain our brains. If only we could replace a negative behavior with a more positive one for 3 weeks (only 21 days!), it might just become more natural to us. If we could just replace that half hour of TV in the evening with a brisk walk around the neighborhhood, maybe after 3 weeks, we'd start to look forward to our evening walk instead of old episodes of Modern Family. Maybe if we could manage to reach for celery sticks instead of cookies every day for 3 weeks, we'd naturally gravitate toward the vegetables without thinking too much about the cookies. I'm not saying that it would become "easy" to make the healthy choices, but maybe it would become a little easier. Perhaps?

Who's with me? Who wants to try to ditch a negative behavior and replace it with a healthier one for a mere 3 weeks? I'm going to give it a try. Starting tomorrow, of course. There's a piece of velvet cheesecake calling my name right now.

Eat Good Food by Kari Machal Designs via Etsy

Karma

2012-01-10T09:14:00.000-05:00

I stopped at Walmart last night. It was on my way home from work, I needed toilet paper and cleaning supplies (and perhaps candy & lots of it) so I decided, instead of driving out of the way to my beloved Loblaw's, to stop at Walmart to see what the new SuperCenter had to offer. As I walked in, a Walmart employee started to say, “Welcome” to me, but coughed instead. Actually, coughed isn't quite the word for it. It was kind of like a, “Welcome to Walcough cough hack hack aaaaaggghhhh hack cough.” And then his lung fell out at my feet. Without missing a beat (because I am so much cooler than your average Walmart shopper), I carefully maneuvered my cart around his lung and went about my shopping while Typhoid Merl spread his disease.

As I pushed my cart down the aisles, I noted the many interesting folks shopping there. I do enjoy me some good ol' people watching.

I noticed a couple teens wearing their jeans around about their knees. I know this is fashionable in teen world, but when the temperature is freezing every stinkin’ day (cause it's winter), why on earth would any sane person wake up, put on pants and then decide that it's a good idea to then pull those pants halfway down and tighten your belt around your knees? Why?!

I saw an old man who looked like Colonel Sanders. He smiled at me, I smiled back.

And then I saw the most priceless outfit of all. A woman, easily in her 70s wore her long gray hair, braided and twisted into a lovely grandmotherly-looking bun. She wore sensible, orthopaedic shoes. And she wore fleece pajama bottoms with cute little penguins on them with a too short sweater, leaving a good portion of her abdomen, bare. So Attractive. She smiled at me, I smiled back.

After paying for my purchases, I walked out to my car, loaded the bags into the back, and sat down in the driver’s seat. As I pulled my seat belt across my lap, I realized my pants were unzipped. Yep, I just walked around Walmart making fun of people and the whole time my fly was down. Now that’s class.

The moral of the story is: Make sure your pants are zipped before you make fun of the characters at Walmart or you might find them smiling at you as you smile at them. What goes around, comes around!

Karma by 3 Lambs Graphics via Etsy

Today & Tomorrow

2012-01-09T13:13:00.000-05:00

Most days, I go with the flow, looking at the bright side of things because, let’s face it, it’s way more fun to laugh than to dissolve into a puddle of tears, right?

And then there are days like today. It started with an email from a friend that got me thinking and that's never, never a good thing.

Friend..."I am in awe of the resilience you have shown through these past few months".

My response..."Some days I feel heroic. Other days I just feel stupid. Today is one of those other days".

I was talking to a friend about our situation and she was asking about the amount of money that we have spent thus far in our pursuit for baby JaAdam. When I told her how much we've spent, her jaw dropped. Once again I was reminded of how dramatically my frame of reference has changed, and of how foolish and almost reckless this pursuit sometimes seems, even to me. The money is really the least of it (and I know how fortunate I am to be able to say that). What embarrasses me most acutely are thoughts of the wasted time, the misplaced emotional energy, and the utter self-absorption of the last year.

Sometimes I feel heroic to have kept up the struggle in the face of such discouraging results. Like there's some intrinsic merit in pursuing a cherished goal with no thought to personal hardship. But other times I feel like a total chump. One year, thousands of dollars, four cycles, one chemical pregnancy, and nothing to show for it all. Yeah, today I feel stupid but tomorrow is a whole new day.

Cheese Please

2012-01-06T09:49:00.000-05:00

It'sbeen just over a week since getting confirmation that our last cycle resultedin a chemical pregnancy. One week after I found out my latestIVF failed, and I’m still not sure how I feel about it. Well, I take that back.I know I feel pissed, hormonal, crampy, bloated, disappointed and slightlycrazy (in a good way…can you be crazy in a good way?) but in terms of how Ifeel about the future — that remains unclear.

Withrespect to the immediate future however, I am clear. There will be a pity party tonight at my house, and the first thing on the menu will be blocks and blocks ofcheese! It will also include Port, Riesling and perhaps a drop or two ofscotch. Swiss cheese (which has gotten me through a few dull parties) a nicesharp cheddar cheese and some stinky Oka are all in order once you realize thatyou’re still not pregnant after many, many months of trying, and four IVFcycles. Even though I fully intended to get back on my pre-IVF diet, what’s thepoint of that right now? Therefore, the diet must be once again postponed.

Imight even indulge in some fertility no-no's like raw fish, vodka,caffeine and hair colouring (I always wondered what I'd look like as a blonde). IfI were to make invitations and invite all of you lovely people, I’d be sure towrite all the invite details on a nice white Kleenex. Goody bags would consistof left over progesterone, tampons and ovulation prediction kits. I might even throw in a pregnancy test or two (unused of course).

Ifthere’s a point to a pity party, it’s to allow yourself to feel what you’refeeling, to process recent events and do whatever you need to do to get youthrough the next couple of hours, days and weeks. That’s exactly what I’m goingto do tonight. Yes, I still plan to get back on the annoying, endless dieting, be healthy as horse tomorrow, and yes, I will even continue trying to conceive despite howbadly it’s gone thus far, but for now, it’s my pity party and I’ll eat cheeseif I want to.

Eat More Cheese by Funnel Cloud via Etsy

*Note* After tonight's festivities...no more sadness, no more wishing "would could have been"...there will however be lots of letting go, moving on and being my happy self once again!

Two, Ten & Fifteen

2012-01-05T16:00:00.002-05:00

Two - This is today's Beta HCG result.

Ten - This is the number of cells that frozen embryo number five has.

Fifteen - This is the number of cells that frozen embryo number six has. The last one.

I am not afraid to admit that when we started this journey, got through retrieval and ended up with six frozen embryos in addition to the two fresh we transferred...I felt like we had hit the jackpot! Six...it seemed like such a great number. Surely we wouldn't need all six to get pregnant and have a baby. I was on top of the world. I was naive. I was a silly girl that didn't know any better.

That was then and this is now.

Two - we have two embryos left on ice.

Two - it seems like such a small and lonely number now.

Wordless Wednesday

2012-01-04T11:54:00.000-05:00

My Eyeball Flew Away by Bike Parts via Etsy

Daydreaming

2012-01-03T14:19:00.000-05:00

I'm finding it really hard to concentrate on any one thing for any length of time lately. I start something and then five minutes later I find myself moving on to something else and five minutes after that...well you get the point. So I’m falling behind on everything. Work. Housework. Although, to be fair, I'm always falling behind on the housework, mostly because I hate doing it so much. Don't get me wrong, I am a neat freak and I like a clean house and I have a clean house...I just don't like the actual doing the housework part.

I keep dreaming of one day having a maid which leads me to dreaming of having enough money to employ a maid which then leads to me dreaming that hey, if I've got enough money to hire a maid I must have enough money to do actual fun stuff. Like pay someone to shave my legs and hire a circus trainer with a pack of lions who would then come put on a show on my front lawn. Because who doesn't want a herd of dancing lions to call their own? All of which leads to more day dreaming and less actual house cleaning and well, I've gone full circle and it’s all my imaginary maid’s fault. Which is why even if I had money to hire a maid I’d likely not do it. Because I’d never get anything done. And I’d probably end up with a metric tonne of lion poop on my grass and what exactly does one need that much fertilizer for? On second thought...I'm sure that Adam would use that for this years garden. Perhaps I'm on to something here.

Little Pink Dream by JM Barclay via Etsy

Haven

2012-01-02T23:13:00.000-05:00

Ha-ven - A place of refuge or rest; a sanctuary.

I've been in my haven recently. Interestingly enough, before embarking on this IVF journey I didn't even know that I had a haven. The past few weeks have been tough and life has just been a little too much for me. Lately I tend to slink off into my haven to sit in the dark and lick my wounds for a bit. I like that it’s dark and quiet in there.

Some people, when are they down, or troubled, need to surround themselves with people, to talk about it. This is usually me, has always been me...until now. Now I need the opposite. I need to go into my haven and be on my own for a while. I don't understand it, I just know that I need it.

I've spent a lot of time in my haven while cycling, or more specifically after a negative or a disappointment. I cut myself off from the world and try and fortify myself.

The haven is a safe place, you sit with your back to the wall, in the dark, facing the entrance. No one can sneak up on you and hurt you, no one can surprise you with hurtful comments. No one is there is force you to be social, friendly, happy, you can sit in your haven in your raw, naked emotion and just heal. You can be as sad and mad and raw as you want, no one will see you and be frightened at the depth of your emotion. They won't feel they have to make you feel better. It’s a time to be in your rawest state, without fear of being hurt more or being seen.

When I feel better I will come out again. Stronger, with my skin thickened and my sense of humor and sanity back in tact.

Her Safe Place by Peace, Love & Cupcakes via Etsy

Survival Kit

2012-01-01T21:37:00.000-05:00

I'm sure we all have them...a winter survival kit in the trunk of your car for that just in case moment. This got me to thinking (usually never a good thing...just ask Adam) What would I include in a 'BFN Survival Kit' or perhaps a 'Chemical Pregnancy Survival Kit'.

For example, the Survival Kit could include some of the following:

- One bottle (or two bottles) of the best wine around. Decadent, expensive wine because "frack that, this infertility crap just cost me an arm and a leg and I deserve to drink good damn wine".
- One platter of sushi, because you just spent the last month not eating it, just in case.
- One sinfully huge box of chocolates. NOT FOR SHARING.
- A very large mug of heavily caffeinated coffee.
- One large bag of chips (MSG and preservatives a bonus). With or without dip.
- A box of tissues. The ones with the lotion.
- A voucher for a massage.
- DVD’s to watch while drinking the wine and eating the chocolate. Neither of them have any children or pregnant women in them, at all.
- A bottle of pain pills – a few for the period pains (oh thank you for the reminder) and a few for the morning after the bottle of wine.
- Sleeping pills so that you can go to sleep and not have to think about the thousands you’ve flushed down the down the drain in the past 6 months.

What have I forgotten? What would you include?

I'm not going to lie...the past few days have been tough...very, very tough but I'm strong. I won't let this chemical pregnancy get me down, I will succeed. I will conquer this and I will achieve my dream. Screw you infertility, I’ll beat you. You watch!

Goodbye 2011 - Hello 2012

2011-12-31T18:16:00.000-05:00

A new year is approaching. You know what that means. Besides remembering to write 2012, that is hard enough...there is more. Yes, more. Those famous New Year resolutions. Everyone has them. Or, maybe not. Even so, I always make them. That does not mean that I will keep them. I make them and wish. Wish that I did not have to. Still, I do. Here are just a few of my 2012 resolutions...

I hereby resolve to

Not stress about baby making...this one is going to be tough but I will do my best.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I promise to throw out all of the left over candy canes. I can only crush up so many for cookies.
Keep my opinions to myself (yeah, right).
Wear something other than Lululemon pants to the grocery store.
Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.
Wear something other than Lululemon pants to the grocery store...oops...there I go again!
Stop procrastinating ... (I think I just might start next month).
Enjoy the sweeter side of life - M&Ms, Hershey kisses, skittles, and cucpcakes &...
Be more decisive ... I'll absolutely try to attempt to think about resolving to be more decisive, if I possibly can.
Quit making those same excuses...I make the same excuses each year, why I'll do better next year, and it's getting pretty old - this year I resolve to come up with some new excuses instead.
If I did wrong and realize it, I will apologize. You do the same. Let us all resolve to do this. If we both think that we are right, well, cheers and let’s resolve to forget all about it. Then, who cares? Right? Right.
I will drive more carefully, people are starting to notice the dozens of dents in my car.
I refuse to commit myself to an after the holidays diet. Not fair. I have a refrigerator full of cakes, pies and holiday food leftovers. Am I supposed to let it all go to waste? Never! I will resolve to eat it all and not feel guilty.
I promise to stick to these resolutions for more than a week (even though I never do).

Admittedly, my resolutions are not the most exciting but I'm sure that 2012 will be a little rowdy and exciting nonetheless! So keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times and be sure to tighten your seat belt until it feels a little too tight. And then just a little more. For fun.

Happy New Year!

Cupcakes

2011-12-30T10:24:00.000-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days where nothing horrible has happened but everything seems to be going against you? It’s snowing...you fall on your ass as soon as you hit the porch step (ouch), your hair isn’t cooperating, you can’t find your keys, your bra is uncomfortable, your third IVF cycle fails and you are waiting to miscarry, you forgot your wallet (thank goodness for my Timmy's card), you can’t remember if you put on deodorant (I'm pretty sure I only put it on one underarm this morning), a co-worker won’t stop humming that song you hate (please make it stop), all your mail are bills and you remember that you forgot to do about 20 different things. Again, nothing like death or dismemberment but still, a considerably bad day. That is exactly how my last few days have been.

It's no secret that I have an addiction to anything topped with icing. So in light of my miserable few days I am going to drown my sorrows in cupcakes!

The cupcake is a remarkable thing. It is, in the ways that matter most, a flawless invention, a treat for both body and mind. Elegant in its simplicity, yet playful, a sentimental nod to birthdays past. And cute—so delightfully, deliciously cute. Deprived of nourishment in the womb by stronger, full-size cakes, cupcakes have overcome their physical shortcomings by maintaining dignity, even when covered in sprinkles.

If you need me...I'll be in the corner stuffing my face full of cupcakes.

Thirty Two

2011-12-28T15:33:00.000-05:00

I was able to get a repeat beta drawn today and got the call a few hours ago that it came back at 32. One week ago it was 43. I'm now the proud owner of a chemical pregnancy. I would have rather gotten a unicorn that poops rainbows but I guess I'll have to settle for a chemical pregnancy. In light of today's news...I have a message...

Dear Karma Fairy,

I was not an evil dictator in a past life. I have evidence of this. Please stop dishing me up their punishments. I can’t handle and I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve any more of this and I’m not a terrible person. (I might also have evidence of this.) Ask Santa, he seemed to think that I was worthy of the nice list..he'll put in a good word for me. Please take this under consideration.

Kind regards,
Me

There is an upswing to this...No more drugs. No more progesterone suppositories, laying waste to my unfortunate, defenseless underpants. The poor things have been though enough! No more hormone fueled outbursts and perhaps I'll actually start sleeping though the night again. There's always a good side to everything...I'm going to try my very best to remember that.

Chin Up Buttercup by The Love Shop via Etsy

Survival & Strength

2011-12-27T11:09:00.000-05:00

There were tears...many, many tears...but I survived Christmas.

It's been a week since my positive home pregnancy test and one week later, it's still positive and I am as confused as ever. Last Friday my beta was 41 and the Dr. told me it was likely a chemical pregnancy. Devastating news. At this point I guess I expected the HPT to show a clear negative seeing as my beta was low and should have drop off fairly quickly. In an ideal "non Christmas" month, I would have had another blood draw today to see where my levels are at but...I have to wait until January 3rd for that to happen. Do I continue to take a HPT? At this point, seeing the positive is almost worst than seeing a negative is that makes any sense at all! It's frustrating not knowing what is going on inside my body. There was a baby in there but now there isn't...or is there? And here I thought that I already had the hardest part behind me. Silly girl.

While I am very sad and my Christmas did not turn out the way that I thought it would...I do know this...

I am an incredibly fortunate woman. I have an amazing family, a loving and supportive partner and I am surrounded by much love and support. This is not lost on me. Thank you to each and every one of you that has shown me such amazing support. Your comments and well wishes have helped to lift me up and make me stronger and for that I am incredibly grateful.

What will be...will be...and I have the strength to get through anything.

Strength by Alpha NUMERIC Photo via Etsy

Beta #2

2011-12-24T08:56:00.000-05:00

I got the results of beta #2 this morning and the news isn't good...

Beta was 43 on Wednesday, beta yesterday was 41. Cycle #3...chemical pregnancy.

I am devastated and heartbroken. I feel like the bottom just fell out of my world.

So sorry to disappoint you all.

Waiting, Waiting...Waiting

2011-12-23T11:52:00.001-05:00

I had my blood draw at 7:30 this morning for beta #2 and I'm waiting......

Update @ 3:30 pm - I am NOT going to get the results of today's beta as the clinic is now closed and my clinic in Toronto is on Christmas shut down. Likely won't hear tomorrow cause well it's December 24th and then it's Christmas so I'm lucky if I'll hear back before the 28th. This is torture! Yes...there will be tears!

Happiness to Fear

2011-12-22T09:52:00.001-05:00

My oh my...how things can change on a dime. Yesterday's high to today's low.

I'm spotting and with yesterday's low beta and a lighter line on the HPT today...I am feeling despair.

*sigh*

It will be what it will be and there is nothing I can do to change it but it just seems so damn unfair.

I quit Christmas.

Update...*** No more spotting***

To each and everyone one of you that have shown me such love and support...Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

Beta Is In

2011-12-21T14:47:00.000-05:00

Just got the call...P is for Pregnant!

I am happy, scared, thrilled, anxious....

Beta at 13dp3dt is 43. Progesterone is 123 which he said was fantastic. I do know that FET embryos tend to implant a little later than in fresh cycles and perhaps that could explain the lowish beta. My Dr. assures me that the result is positive, he feels good about everything and gave his congratulations. Repeat beta will be Friday morning (please, please double)!

Feeling happy & cautiously optimistic.

B Is For Beta & W Is For Wait

2011-12-21T13:54:00.002-05:00

I had my blood drawn for my beta at 7:30 this morning and I am still waiting for the call with my results. I swear, this wait has been harder than the 2ww for sure...argh!

Sending you all a warm & heartfelt Thank You for all of the lovely messages of love and support. I will update as soon as I know!

*Fingers Crossed*

Holding Onto Hope

2011-12-20T14:48:00.001-05:00

Beta is bright and early tomorrow morning. It's been quite a journey to get to this point. Along the way I have discovered some good and bad things about myself but what I do know is that I have tried my very best to hold onto hope and stay optimistic.

Tomorrow is going to be what tomorrow will be.

Hope by Little Light Creative via Etsy

Q & A

2011-12-19T16:13:00.000-05:00

Today is 11dp3dt.

Do I think that I am pregnant? Honestly...I have no earthly idea! I've not been feeling much in the way of anything that I can attribute to be being pregnant. The only thing that I have noticed is that for the past few days I have had zero appetite..none, nada, zilch. Perfect example...I've had a chocolate bar in my purse for a week that I thought I'd have last night with a cup of tea. One bite in and I was done...so disappointing. Sweets and I always get along...always! This doesn't bode well for all of the Christmas treats that I have planned on consuming this week *gasp* Adam's Mom makes the best gingerbread men (there has been fights over these guys) and I look forward to them every Christmas. I've put them on notice that they can run but they can't hide from me when I get there...looks like they might be safe!

Throughout this whole process I have been very open to people asking questions about the process as most have no idea what's involved with IVF, I certainly didn't! I have been asked some odd questions for sure but the one that I was asked today was just plain funny.

Question: Have you had any surprise vaginal ultrasounds?

I was kind of at a loss so I just stared and after an awkard pause I answered "Ummm, no" but what I was really thinking was...It's really not the kind of thing that sneaks up on you. Surprise birthday party, sure. (Dude, you totally should have been at my 18th.) Surprise pregnancy, you bet, not that I'd know. But surprise cold-plastic-dildo-with-a-camera-on-the-end-sheathed-in-a-condom- and-shoved-halfway-to-paradise? Not so much.

Ohhh Surprises by Lauren Strom via Etsy

Two more days until beta...I can do this.

Do You "Do" What I "Do"?

2011-12-18T13:04:00.000-05:00

I woke up fairly early this morning, snuggled in bed and got to thinking about the last few months of my life & our IVF journey. All of the ups & downs...of which there have been many. I also started to wonder if I'm the only one that hides my underpants when I disrobe in the exam room? Every time I take off my underpants, I consciously ask myself why I am hiding them under my clothes. Maybe I think the doctor will take one look at them and say, “Aha! This is why you aren't getting pregnant.” Do you do what I do when disrobing?

I also woke up with an overwhelming sense of defeat that I can't quite explain. I really don't think that this frozen cycle worked. Why do I feel this way? I have no idea! The feeling is just there and I can't seem to shake it. Adam and I started to talk about what we'll do if a BFN appears. We agreed that we will make some plans for world domination!

"Gee Adam, what are we going to do tonight?"
Adam, "The same thing we do every night, Janet. Try to take over the world"

Three days until beta. While I wait I must remember...

Audrey Hepburn Quote by 3 Lambs Graphics via Etsy

Christmas Cheer?...Not Even Close

2011-12-17T22:33:00.000-05:00

One week until Christmas. Why is it that the Christmas spirit just hasn't found me yet?

Perhaps another frozen embryo cycle, a car accident, insurance hell and work has something to do with it? I did try my very best to find it tonight while I was out shopping (FYI - shopping after 7 pm on a Saturday is a much better option than the middle of the day) but it has eluded me once again. Why? Likely the stress of my life but it's also because of people. I just don't understand why at this time of the year people have the ability to be extra rude and disrespectful to those serving them and to other customers. It's appalling really and makes me quite sad. Is it really that difficult to be kind and courteous to others? Adam always tells me that I am "too nice" but really people!

Today is also 9dp3dt. I've been having some cramping today and have been running to the bathroom frequently...it's almost feels like I have a UTI but without the burning and urgency. I was also feeling quite queasy this morning while making breakfast but it was gone as quickly as it started. I'm not reading anything into any of this! 4 more days until beta. Hang on Janet...hang on.

Right now I feel a little like the Grinch but in the end he found his heart and his Christmas spirit. Maybe I'll be just like him and find mine soon.

Grinch by Artzijen via Etsy

Have you found your Christmas Spirit?

Am I The Only One?

2011-12-16T09:28:00.001-05:00

Nine days until Christmas and I have purchased one...yes, you heard right...one gift. Everyone that I've asked and I have asked a lot of people in the hopes that I would find someone just like me but no...they are all ready for Christmas. They even have every gift wrapped and ready and I've purchased one. I have to ask...Am I the only one that isn't ready for Christmas?

I was bound and determined to brave the mall last night and get most of my shopping done. Needless to say my trip ended in failure. I did however buy a new curling iron that I needed (wanted) which brings me to this...

I don’t know who thought that plastic molding around the desired object and then crimped it shut to an inseparable oblivion all the way around was a good idea but let me just say it was an awful idea...awful! No matter if you have scissors or not, which you usually don’t…. You’re guaranteed an embarrassing injury that begs the discussion about how horrible this plastic packaging is. Plastic my friends isn't as recycle-friendly as other consumer products like… oh say a cardboard box. But no...cheap plastic that will spend eternity in a land fill is a better alternative. Especially when that plastic rips your hands apart and makes you resort to looking like a three year-old trying to open a package. Whoever invented that plastic should go to hell. And also, that packaging should be illegal! <end plastic rant>

In addition to today marking nine days until Christmas it also marks 8dp3dt and in the holiday spirit I'll sing a little song about it. *shoulders back, head held hight, deep breath*

"On the 8th day of my 3 day transfer my true love gave to me...three middle of the night trips to the loo and a 4:30 am hungry tummy wake up calllllll!"

Christmas Cheer by Mod Printables via Etsy

Are you ready for Christmas?

Nada

2011-12-15T12:34:00.000-05:00

7dp3dt - Just checking in to report that I feel physically fine, just tired. Absolutely zero issues beyond fatigue and frequent urination. No cramps, no bloating, no sore bbs, no pulling in the abdomen, no flutters, no super human smelling, or whatever. Nada. Speaking of urination (cause who doesn't love talking about that?) never in a million years did I think I would be telling the internets about my bodily functions the way that I have these past few months. I wonder if that's why my friends look at me funny when they see me now? Are they using their inside voice screaming "Too much information Janet...too much"?

What I DO have is copious amounts of discharge from the Progesterone suppositories. Lovely, eh? I try to be diligent that the doses happen every 8 hours and they usually do, give or take 30 minutes or so. Either way, I end up with enough chalk in my drawers to fill the desks of a whole class of Algebra students. Fun eh? Should I have talked about my urination instead?

I wish I could just shut off my mind. Sitting here at my desk all day at work does me no favors. It’s really slow right now and I have TONS of time to just think. Like a captive audience. I just wish I could go out and distract myself somehow. I wish I could talk to my girls about all this, but they are in such different places it just ends up being me emotionally vomiting all over them. Who wants that? And what would that accomplish anyway? Just me getting myself worked up again and them playing diligent listener. What good does that do? There isn't much new ground to break here.

In the meantime, I will do my best to hang in there. 6 days until beta.

Keep Calm and Hang on by Happy Landings via Etsy

Wordless Wednesday

2011-12-14T10:53:00.001-05:00

I hope your're right Mr. Fortune Cookie...I hope you're right!

Pregnant or Paranoid?

2011-12-13T15:22:00.001-05:00

Today is 5dp3dt and not much in the way of symptoms. I was falling asleep on the couch by 9:30 last night and in bed by 10 which is generally unheard for me. I could be so damn tired because I am now getting up twice in the middle of the night to pee and I am also waking up due to some pretty wacked out dreams. Last night my good friend Helen was a time traveller from the Titanic and was drowning on land. I know...weird right?

The two week wait is usually spent asking yourself things like - Am I pregnant? Is that a symptom? Was that a twinge I felt? Hmmm...was I just a little nauseous?. That’s why I've devised these simple guidelines to help you figure out if you’re pregnant or just paranoid.

You think you might be pregnant because you're craving ...

pancakes at midnight (I really like pancakes) ~ You’re a human
pancakes at 2 a.m ~ You’re an insomniac
pancakes at 2 a.m., 4 a.m. & 6 a.m ~ You might have OCD
human flesh ~ You’re a zombie
Dish soap & some chalk. And when someone tried to take your chalk away, you stabbed them ~ You might be pregnant. Or insane.

You think you might be pregnant because you started crying hysterically ...

when you slipped on the ice and shattered your femur ~ You’re a human
when you were attacked by a horde of basement rats ~ You need an exterminator
when Bambi's Mother died ~ You’re me. Also, you just ruined Bambi for all those that haven't seen it but really...who hasn't seen Bambi?
at the grocery store because they ran out of the frosted sugar cookies ~ You might be pregnant or currently ingesting and/or injecting large amounts of hormones.

You think you might be pregnant because ...

you have a twinge at your side after eating three burritos ~ You have gas
you gained five pounds for no reason at all ~ You’re normal & it's December
you have a sharp, stabbing pain in your chest and now you're turning into dust ~ You’re a vampire.

You think you might be pregnant because ...

your best friend told you that "You look 12 months pregnant in those jeans" ~ You need new friends
you injected your urine into a rabbit and now it looks sick ~ You need therapy & a new rabbit
your doctor just told you you're pregnant ~ You’re pregnant.

8 more days until beta.

Dear Embryo(s), You Are Cordially Invited To Implant

2011-12-12T13:24:00.000-05:00

Today our embyros are 1 week old (4dp3dt). They are hopefully hatching and starting to think about implanting in the next day or two. Maybe if I'm polite to them, they will stick around? Please, please dear sweet embryos, implant. I'll be good to you...I promise.

What I am certain about today is that I am losing me ever lovin head! I just feel...hmmm...not all there and while that isn't terribly surprising if you know me...I'm a little more "not there" than usual. Perfect example...while making our lovely GingerDead men last I caught my middle finger in one of the beaters. Just how did I mange to do that you ask? I plugged the mixer in first (mistake #1), put one beater in the wrong slot (mistake #2), somehow managed to slide my finger through the beater (mistake #3) and then tried with the other hand to hit the eject button (mistake #4). Instead of hitting eject I turned it on! Thankfully my finger is still attached...just a wee bit tender. Good thing...I need that finger. The others I could make so without but not that one...that one I need!

Today I went back to work after three days offand while I’m here, I’m not really here soI'm getting practically no work done today. The illusion here is that people only do about 10% of work andspend 90% of their time making it LOOK like they're getting something done. ;)Which is good for me on days like this but not good when I do care about work. *sigh*

Instead of working I was cruising Etsy and found this...

Monster Got a Pet Bunny by Bike Parts via Etsy

Happy Monday to you.

It's Starting To Feel A Lot Like Christmas

2011-12-11T21:10:00.001-05:00

Finally...finally I have my tree up and my wee home is starting to feel the Christmas spirit. I'm hoping that now I can also start to enjoy the lead up to Christmas like I usually do.

Oh Christmas Tree...

I also somehow found the energy to bake some gingerbread men but seeing as I made them...I opted for something a little different...

GingerDead Men

How was your Sunday? Are you ready for Christmas?

Home

2011-12-10T21:49:00.001-05:00

There really is nothing as sweet as walking through your front door when you've been away for a few days...I love home!

Our trip to Toronto was amazing. I feel refreshed, renewed...hopeful again.

The day of our transfer was very, very quiet indeed. Adam and I spent the day curled on the couch (thanks to my amazing friend C for putting up with us for a few days) watching movies & reading and perhaps taking a nap or two. Friday was much of the same but by late afternoon I was starting to go a little stir crazy...thankfully...we headed out to meet a a few of our friends at the Christmas Festival at the Distillery District...amazing!!! If you live in or near Toronto...you must go. The 45 foot Christmas tree was simply, wonderfully...magical.

After leaving the Festival, we headed out for a late bite to eat. Not very exciting I know...but...what was exciting was discovering a true gem of a man named Paul James. I'm not usually one for live music and we did debate leaving before he started playing but boy, am I sure glad we didn't. I can't remember the last time that I had that much fun and was that entertained. Mr. Paul James was so good in fact that we just couldn't tear ourselves out of there...We closed the place down. Thank you Paul James...I think I have a crush on you and your hair.

Slept in a little this morning, had brunch with Adam's brother and sister and made the trek home. A drive home just wouldn't be complete without a little PIO injection in the front seat of the car at a highway rest stop...

Glad to be Home Sweet Home.

The Day After

2011-12-09T10:07:00.001-05:00

This morning I woke up, rolled over and then remembered that yes, I was once again pregnant until proven otherwise.

Am I happy? Yes, I'm over the moon thrilled but I am also not afraid to admit that I am scared. Three transfers in less than 5 months has taken a real emotional toll on me as well as Adam and yesterday was no exception. I slept well, I was fine on the way to the clinic. Adam and I cracked our usual silly jokes and took some of our usual goofy photos. In fact, I was fine right up until they loaded the embryos into the catheter...then I had a moment. I started to cry. It was the body shaking kind of cry that came out of nowhere and caught me by surprise. Adam clutched my hand, we took a few moments...

And then transferred two perfect looking embryos...

They are home where they belong.

A transfer wouldn't be a transfer without some silly pictures...

My awesome stirrup socks from Christi

Waiting can be fun

Would you trust this doctor?

Double thumbs up!

Beta is scheduled for December 21st!

PUPO...Take Three

2011-12-08T13:17:00.001-05:00

This morning at 11:48 we transferred two perfect looking embryos...8 and 14 cells. Lining was great at 14mm, all went perfectly.

Beta is December 21st.

Will update more later. Thank you for all of the support and lovely messages...it means the world to us.

Janet
xo

Tomorrow....

2011-12-07T10:13:00.001-05:00

Is the entire WORLD pregnant?

It’s the “new car” rule. Until you buy an Hyundai, you don’t notice that there are a TON of them on the road. No sooner than you drive off the lot with yours, do you see 14 others exactly like it on your four-block drive home.

Tomorrow is the big day...embryo transfer #3 and if all goes well...I'll be one of those pregnant peoples. Well technically I guess I will be one of those...at least for a couple of weeks. I've checked in with the big guy up North and while I haven't been on my best behavior, I am hoping I was good enough to get what I really want for Christmas!

Tonight we make the drive to Toronto. Tomorrow morning at 10:30 am is our transfer.

I'm excited, I'm anxious, I'm full of fear...but most importantly...I am full of Hope.

Hope Over Fear by Red Letter Press via Etsy

It's Over

2011-12-04T12:47:00.001-05:00

Dear Sunday,

I used to love you very much. I enjoyed your early morning sleep in. I enjoyed your sweet cup of morning coffee. I enjoyed your lazy brunch and crock pot dinner. I'm afraid that love has since passed.

This morning you met me (well my hoo-ha actually, she's angry now but I'm sure she'll thank you later) with progesterone suppositories and my sweet round buttocks with Progesterone in oil injections. Where was the love? Our affair is over.

It's only been a couple of months since my last experience with the injections, you'd think my memory and my behind would remember...right? Wrong! When it was time for this mornings first PIO, I took a deep breath, held on to the edge of the table I lean against for dear life, and tried to find my happy place and keep the muscle relaxed.

What I do remember is that as long as your “nurse” keeps the needle straight and does the stick without any hesitation, there really isn't any more than a tiny prick. Now, there were some days when for whatever reason….I wiggled or Adam wiggled or the planets weren't lined up right…that I was definitely aware of the needle, but nothing I couldn’t tolerate. After each injection, Adam massaged the spot for a few seconds, I’d walk around for a couple of minutes and that would be it. Today's injections was different.

The injection itself didn't hurt. But the sensation of driving the needle in was extremely upsetting. Why? I'm not sure. Perhaps Saturn and Jupiter's orbits weren't quite aligned? This is the best way that I know how to describe it. Assemble the following:

1 plastic drinking straw, the bigger the diameter the better
a slightly frozen piece of steak

Now, with your arm back & elbow slightly bent...jab the straw into the steak. Now close your eyes and imagine.

I have a little more love to give to Monday now that Sunday and I are finished...I hope Monday is kinder to me!

A Sweet Surprise

2011-12-02T11:21:00.001-05:00

I need to send out a very big thank you to Christi at Waiting & Wishing for my lovely lil package that was waiting for me when I got home from work.

The knee high striped socks are going to be my lucky transfer socks on Thursday!

Thank you Christi...you made my crappy day a whole lot brighter and for that...I'm grateful.

Happy Friday!

In The Spirit

2011-12-01T13:30:00.001-05:00

It's no secret that Adam and I have been undergoing infertility treatments. I've kept the news from work but most of our family and friends know. What I'm discovering though is that friends of friends of friends now know and that's cool...I've got nothing to hide. I'm not embarrassed that we are having this struggle. If someone wants to ask about IVF and our treatments, I'm usually pretty open and honest. There have been some pretty interesting questions asked and certainly a number of opinions and comments directed my way. It's December 1st today and so in the spirit of sharing....here are just a few of the questions & comments I have been asked and have received (as well as my inside voice response)...

Enjoy your last year of freedom. Thanks for the wise advice because all these migraines, bloat, constipation, abstaining from alcohol, medications and everything else has been so fun and fancy-free.

You’re just hormonal.
Really? I’ll be sure to report those as your final words.

Sleep now because you won’t get any when you have a baby. It’s cool. I don’t sleep now anyway. I creep around outside other people’s windows watching them sleep! You do the cutest little thing when you’re dreaming.

What would you like to have when you finally get pregnant, a boy or a girl? I was hoping for a giraffe that will poop diamonds but I guess a human might be fun too.

So if you get pregnant, you'll be due in August? You’re going to be so hot all summer! Captainobvioussayswhat??

Are you ready to be a parent? I’m totally ready. I drink a lot.

What about you...Has anyone given you unwanted advice, shared their opinions or asked uncomfortable questions?

Mixed Emotions

2011-11-30T12:09:00.001-05:00

Tension is the pressure that slowly builds up around us and within us. It’s a pressure that begins on the outside, sometimes very far away, but it somehow finds its way inside us. At first it’s not perceivable, then we notice something but don’t quite know what it is. Then, as things build further, we know what is but want to ignore it. Then and after feeling things are mostly out of hand, we finally we admit to ourselves that yes, we are wound dangerously tight. Some of us are good at then identifying the problem and fixing things back at the source. If things are unfixable we find another controlled and logical way to release the stress. And some of us are not good at identification and self correction, so we just explode, usually after it’s too late. Either way, if we could at least detect the problem earlier, or at least see that there is a problem earlier, we could make things better in the end. Sounds easy doesn't it?

I am eight days away from embryo transfer number 3. My third transfer in 4 months.

I have so many mixed emotions right now. I am excited for it to happen, but it's like the first part on the roller coaster that takes you up the hill slowly. The anticipation builds and you feel exhilarated and scared all at the same time - who the heck knows what is going to happen on the other side? Sadly I do know what can happen on the other side. We can go through all this again and end up heartbroken yet again.

I am doing my very best to try and stay positive and optimistic. I've been visualizing myself pregnant. What will my pregnant belly look like at Valentine's Day, at Eater? I really didn't allow myself to do that the last two cycles. I believe in my heart of hearts that Adam and I, as well as my RE are doing everything that we can to ensure success but I find that doubt and fear and tension are starting to creep in. Today has been tough...I feel weighed down by the fear and tension. I need to find a way to find my positive mojo again...to release the tension. Any ideas?

While I wait...I'll try, try, try to....

Be Positive by The Little Rice via Etsy

Liebster Award

2011-11-28T16:19:00.001-05:00

Imagine my surprise and delight when I noticed that the lovely New Year Mum @ A Year On...Our New Beginning has awarded me with the Liebster Award. Thank you very much. It's means a great deal to me and I'm grateful.

This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Leibster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

So, without further ado, here is my list of five links worth clicking. Give these blogs some much-deserved love.

1. Do I have to be a Dink?
2. Waiting and Wishing
3. Him + Me = Three? Maybe.
4. Babies, Balanced Translocations, and Being in my 30's
5. Baby Makes 2

Happy Tuesday!

Sheets & Giggles

2011-11-28T10:52:00.001-05:00

Bright and early this morning I was up and off to the clinic for my ultrasound. As usual, there was a sheet on the exam table. The idea is to drape it modestly over your lower half while you're being examined.

I got undressed, picked up the sheet and prepared to swaddle it around my hips like a stylish sarong. But when I unfolded the sheet I saw that it had a gigantic head-sized hole in the middle!

It seems that on the weekends there's no laundry service, so the clinic quickly runs through its supply of sheets. By Monday morning, they have to resort to giving patients gowns to cover up with instead, the kind that function as a scratchy cotton poncho, entirely open at the sides, with no ties or snaps to close the garment.

It was early, I was about to be violated by the dilo cam for the hundredth time but I somehow managed to find the humor in this and could not stop giggling. The doctor came back into the room to find me red faced in a fit of giggles.

Ultrasound showed that my endometrium thickness is 8.9 mm with a triple stripe pattern. Good news.

I'll hear back from the clinic later today on when to start my progesterone and Medrol but we are getting close!

Today I feel positive.

Okay Positivity by The Anti Bride via Etsy

Fancy, Smancy

2011-11-27T17:39:00.001-05:00

If Morgan Freeman narrated my life, would it sound fancier? Cause Lord knows I really need all the help I can get! Otherwise, they might hire someone like Jeff Foxworthy. I prefer Dane Cook though… just cuz that would be much more fun!…in case anyone cares…??!?!

My life this weekend has been anything but fancy. It's Sunday evening and I have yet make it out of my pajama's! I almost felt bad about it but then I remembered that at 7:30 tomorrow morning I have a date with Mr. Dildo cam...so I am going to relax and enjoy my lazy day!

Last FET my lining at the first ultrasound was a little on the thin side and our transfer was pushed back a week. I'm really hoping that doesn't happen this time. While I'm not looking forward to my Monday morning violation, I am curious as to what's going on in there. Did I tell you that Steve Martin looks at my hoo-ha?

Well sort of. The doctor that does my satellite monitoring looks just like him so therefore it’s basically the same exact thing! Cool huh. Except my doctor’s sense of humor is probably a little less raunchy than Steve’s and he definitely takes himself too seriously. So instead of feeling guilty and lazy I'm going to relax and enjoy my pajama Sunday cause Monday will be here all too soon!

Relax by Green Sleeves via Etsy

How was your weekend?