Just A Little Off Kilter....

When you find yourself in the midst of an existential crisis, it is often helpful to consult the internet.  The internet is just full of useful ways to find out who you are. For example, I can go to Urban Dictionary and type in "Janet" and it will tell me all about myself and what exactly I mean to the world: 1. Janet 106  up ,  193  down Term for the secretive airline owned by EG&G on the northwest side of McCarran Airport in Las Vegas. "Janet" airlines is a fleet of 737-200's that shuttle workers to and from the military instillation at Groom Lake, more commonly known as area-51. The airplanes are stationed at a guarded terminal at the airport. It is rumored that 'Janet' stands for "just another non-exsistent terminal". Janet airlines is the basic mode of transportation for area-51 workers to travel to and from the base. buy janet mugs & shirts by  Mr. Tibbs   Jun 29, 2005  share this   add a video Confusing? Yes.  Tru...

Today is cycle Day 7 of Frozen Embryo Transfer #1 - hopefully our one and only FET cycle - Protocol looks a little something like this: August 23 - Start Estrace September 6 - Ultrasound and blood work Sometime after the 6th - start Progesterone in oil injections & suppositories September 12 - Embryo transfer September 26 - Beta Today I feel hopeful. I really do believe that good things will be coming our way and I will do my very best to think nothing but happy, hopeful and positive thoughts. Adam and I really are very lucky that we are able to try again so soon and for that I am grateful. Think Happy Thoughts by Spring Tale Studios via Etsy Are you "Thinking Happy Thoughts" today?

I am not afraid to admit that I tend to be a little off my cracker, a little crooked in the brain pan...but you all seem to love me anyway. It's because of this unconditional love that I am not afraid to admit that sometimes I have very strage, very weird and just plain bizarre dreams. Take for example the dream I had last night. Here's a visual for you... For real,  t his  is precisely the reason I am now afraid of marshmallows. I don’t want to end up skewered and toasted above a burning house.  Stay Puft dude and the Michelin man have both scarred me for life. And you know what? I used to love S’mores .

          Happy Friday!

I sometimes find myself in a crowded place - in this case it was last night at the mall after my haircut sipping a lovely cup of tea from Teatopia -  tucked back into the comfort of a corner or wall where I can sit idly and watch my surroundings pass in all their different speeds. Some people at Mach 3… some at a slower more appreciative pace. All of them with an agenda of their own and entirely clueless as to how fascinating they are to me. Most of them, nearly all of them are so wrapped up in whatever they’re doing that they don’t even notice me. Those who do are greeted with a simple smile but still no insight into the inquisitive nature behind my purpose, to which of course there really isn’t one. After all…. I’m simply observing society. I wonder where these passersby are going… each of them. And what they’ll do when they get there. Who are they? What type of family did they grow up in? I know that I’ve had my own set of struggles and unique stories and if anyone ever asked m...

It seems that I have lost my "Happy" I was pretty sure that I knew just where it was but I turned my back for just a second and when I looked back...it was gone.  If you see my "Happy" can you please return to me? I'd really like to have it back. 

The difficulty of IVF, or of any fertility issue I'm discovering, is the hope and the shattered hope, the dream that it might happen this time and then it doesn't happen.  How do you gather your strength to get up and try again after a failed IVF?  Unfortunately, I now know only too well what it feels like to have your dream shattered. If you allow it to, I would imagine that a f ailed IVF can quickly overcome your life, this suffering can have a snowball effect, and before you know, it may feel as though you are in a dark space and can’t get escape. This however is not going to happen to me...I simply will not allow it to! This is what I have decided... 1. Don’t relive the memories. The past belongs in the past, and it can’t be changed. Reliving my painful memories won’t make my future better. Shut iron doors to the past, it is the history, the present is all we are guaranteed, so live it the best way you can. Try not to worry too much about the future be...

I wish I could tell you that I am feeling hopeful and happy about today...today is the day that I find out if one or both of those little embryo's decided to stick around...but...I am scared, anxious and nervous. I took two HPTs last night after work and both were a BFN. The white was glaring, staring back at me, mocking me. *sigh* I had my blood taken at 7:30 this morning and will know for certain this afternoon.  UPDATE I got the news about an hour ago and this cycle was a big fat negative! Beta was less than 1. Am I sad, yes...will we try again, yes....will I cry, yes, but just for today because the sun will come out tomorrow and all things considered...I have a very blessed life and for that I am grateful.

You know those early pregnancy symptoms everyone's always going on about? The sore breasts, the pelvic fullness, the strange uterine cramping that some women claim they feel starting, like, five minutes after getting it on (or, in the case of infertility patients, seven and a half minutes after embryo transfer)? Well, I have those. But so does everyone else who's ever been dosed with  600 mg a day of progesterone !  I know what progesterone supplementation felt like but is this what being pregnant feels like? I consult my insides a million times a day, ascribing the symptoms to anything but pregnancy. But because I'm hopeful, I still want to believe. That feeling of pelvic heaviness? I have variously decided it's embryos implanting, colon blockage, embryos implanting, a deep rumble of foreboding, embryos implanting, misplaced car keys, embryos implanting, and an early indication of a summer of punishing thunderstorms. That cramping?  Baseball -sized ...

Today is 10dp3dt. Four more sleep till beta and yes, I totally sound like a 4 year old the week before Christmas but that's cool, I'm at one with my inner child...we're friends. I have not taken another HPT nor will I before Fridays' beta.  My inner child and I will live in this little "PUPO" bubble for another four days. Whenever I am somewhere in the house doing anything and I hear my all-time favorite commercial come on TV, I literally have to drop everything I am doing to run in and watch it. It’s like crack. Except not whack. And I wouldn’t sell myself for it. Probably. Well maybe I would if the TV simultaneously popped out "Crazy Core Skittles" at me because THOSE are actually almost the same as crack. For real thouh y’all, I don’t know who Geico pays for their PR and Marketing but they are certainly getting their money’s worth because my favorite commercial belongs to them and I come running to watch every.single.time they air. Every ...

Today is 9dp3dt. I know that I shouldn't have but - I POAS this morning at 6 am - BFN....stark white. *sigh* I am feeling discouraged. I was so hoping to see a faint line but nothing, nada. Perhaps my emotions are a result of not enough sleep, the stress of the last few days, the meds or more likely a combination of all three. I can help but question if the beta of 4 on Friday morning was a result of left over trigger. I'm going to do my best to keep a smile on my face, relax and accept that there is noting that I can do to change things. They will be what they will be. Hope your Sunday is a smiling kind of day.

Today is 8dp3dt. I was back at the hospital this morning and it was decided that the benefit outweighed the risk and it would be best if I had a VQ scan -  Ventilation/Perfusion lung scan  - it was the right decision to make. That test thankfully came back clear...yeah! The shortness of breath is likely related to the OHSS and should resolve in a few days.  My beta HCG yesterday (7dp3dt - usual beta is 12-14dp3dt) was only 4 and 5+ is considered a positive. So while I have HCG in my blood, it's one point below where it's considered positive. I did crack and POAS this afternoon and it came back negative. While sad - I was really hoping to see a faint positive - everything that I've read...tells me this is still early for sure and I can very well be pregnant. I'm pretty sure that the beta of 4 is not from my trigger shot as that was 14 days ago.  *Sigh*  IVF I'm discovering, is one crazy wave after another. It's goes right when I go left and vic...

Today is 7pd3dt and what a day it's been. The past few days I have been dealing with OHSS and overall, while it hasn't been great fun it also hasn't been too bad. That however has changed and the OHSS suck factor today has been pretty high! Last night I noticed some shortness of breath and chest pain...nothing major but definitely there. I woke up this morning and it was sill there so I called my clinic. The trouble is, our clinic is in Toronto and we are in Ottawa so it's impossible to just pop into the clinic to see my RE when something comes up. So as instructed I was off to the hospital...ugh! Long story short for the moment as I am tired and falling asleep while writing this. I might very well have a blood clot in my lung. This could be and likely is a complication of the fertility medications and the OHSS combined. They ran a few tests today and started me on blood thinner injections. I need to meet the thrombosis team in the morning and we'll go from ther...

Yesterday I had some blood work done - LH <1, Progesterone 190.8 & Estradiol 3,760 - which my RE assured me were all good! I'm now 6 dp3dt and yes...the 2ww is torture! Anywho...As I was sitting at the clinic I noticed the pain scale chart on the wall. You've probably seen some version of that chart before. You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you. Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart: 0: Haha! I’m not wearing any pants! 2: Awesome! Someone just offered me a free hot dog! 4: Huh. I never knew that about giraffes. 6: I’m sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now? I’m bored. 8: The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it. This is not what I expected and I am disappointed. 10:You hurt my feelings and now I’m crying! In my defense, I was at the clinic for about an hour and I did have a lot of free time on my hands. A girl has a right to entertain herself...don't judge! Happy Thursday......

Today is day 5 of my 2 ww wait and overall things had been rolling along just fine. I have been busy enough that time seemed to be passing quickly enough and let me tell you...when you are waiting for that Beta, time flying by is a very, very good thing! That was..... Until yesterday. It seems that OHSS -  Ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome -  has come by for a visit and I am not happy about it. I am currently about 5-10lbs more than I was before the transfer and look about 4 months pregnant...such a tease and pretty sad, I might add. I spent about 30 minutes tearing through my closet last night looking for something to wear to work that would hide my huge bloated belly. You see....I've kept this from work...so I need to hide it. If asked if I was pregnant I guess I could have gone with "No, I'm just getting fat" but hiding it seemed a better way to go.  I had an ultrasound and blood work this morning. FYI - you might want to skip this part if you are not int...

1. Having the theme song from Beauty & the Beast stuck in your head...can drive you nuts!  2. I am incapable of obtaining a close shave on my knobby knee caps. 3. Progesterone  suppositories suck. 4.  It's impossible to eat when you don't stop talking. 5. I might just be addicted to cable TV. 7.  There are pregnant women everywhere. Have they always been there? 8. Indian food never fails me. Ever. 9. Waking up at exactly 3 am every night for the last five...sucks. 10. I   always   fall victim to the charms of something at the bookstore. 11. Fun Dip is always "Fun". 12. Yes, at 36 you can still eat the candy of your childhood!  13.  Eating an entire pack of Fun Dip might start out well but will end badly. 14. You really can eat a half dozen tomatoes from the garden in one sitting. 15. I can be happy with "not" rock climbing. 16. Two weeks is a long time.  17. A picture of your embryos is amazing & you can...