Flip Flops & Ping Pong
Today I learned that parenting is one of the more, um, emotionally schizophrenic experiences a person can have. (And coming from me, that means something.)
Today I flip-flopped from feeling to feeling like an attention-deficitted captain kangaroo. Emotions ping-ponged me over the head while the audience in my head hysterically laughed. I was...pissed right off, exhausted, tolerant, happy, impatient, lazy, contemplative, frustrated, bummed, exhilarated, refreshed, proud, thrilled, joyful, impatient again, curious, worried, anxious, lazy again, frustrated again, disappointed, sad, a little bit panicked, irritable, lonely, cautious, and now tense. There was also some hungry and thirsty in there, and I think once or twice I had to pee.
The point is, I had not anticipated how intense all my mom emotions would be, let alone how easily they would frantically run away...sometimes with me still attached. I can't keep up. The only constant is how much I love Lochlan...which isn't even constant, rather erratically and exponentially accelerating, which only increases my worry and general angst. See? Emotionally schizophrenic.
Days like today leave me so mentally worn out. I'm not sure how to take it all in...how does one absorb this? I feel like I have no room in my brain for anything unrelated to my mom-ness.
This unfortunately makes carving out time for Adam and I a much larger task than even I had expected. Although we've managed to slip in some quick lovely moments over the past days/weeks/months... the truth of the matter is that most things I do feel like chores. Mostly because they are chores, and in some cases gigantic life-dependent responsibilities.
Some activities do feel like a brief respite from chores (such as watching Big Brother Australia and a hot bubble bath) but these are basically survival tactics to which I cling for sanity. In any case, they usually get interrupted and almost always carry guilt right along with them.
I haven't yet learned how to be a whole person again. Right now I'm just a mom, very barely a wife, and basically nothing of a me but I know it'll get better...just gotta keep chugging along.
Today I flip-flopped from feeling to feeling like an attention-deficitted captain kangaroo. Emotions ping-ponged me over the head while the audience in my head hysterically laughed. I was...pissed right off, exhausted, tolerant, happy, impatient, lazy, contemplative, frustrated, bummed, exhilarated, refreshed, proud, thrilled, joyful, impatient again, curious, worried, anxious, lazy again, frustrated again, disappointed, sad, a little bit panicked, irritable, lonely, cautious, and now tense. There was also some hungry and thirsty in there, and I think once or twice I had to pee.
The point is, I had not anticipated how intense all my mom emotions would be, let alone how easily they would frantically run away...sometimes with me still attached. I can't keep up. The only constant is how much I love Lochlan...which isn't even constant, rather erratically and exponentially accelerating, which only increases my worry and general angst. See? Emotionally schizophrenic.
Days like today leave me so mentally worn out. I'm not sure how to take it all in...how does one absorb this? I feel like I have no room in my brain for anything unrelated to my mom-ness.
This unfortunately makes carving out time for Adam and I a much larger task than even I had expected. Although we've managed to slip in some quick lovely moments over the past days/weeks/months... the truth of the matter is that most things I do feel like chores. Mostly because they are chores, and in some cases gigantic life-dependent responsibilities.
Some activities do feel like a brief respite from chores (such as watching Big Brother Australia and a hot bubble bath) but these are basically survival tactics to which I cling for sanity. In any case, they usually get interrupted and almost always carry guilt right along with them.
I haven't yet learned how to be a whole person again. Right now I'm just a mom, very barely a wife, and basically nothing of a me but I know it'll get better...just gotta keep chugging along.
i totally know how you feel
ReplyDeleteVery, very normal. I feel like I was just getting by for the first six months. After a year, I'm finally figuring it out, but STILL being a mom sucks up s whole lot of You.
ReplyDeleteYes. All of this. I had forgotten, which is awesome, you do get yourself back, but frightening! I'm going to do this again ASAP! I forgot how all consuming it is. It's still consuming, but as they get older, it becomes your new normal. The transition is so shocking from zero to one kid. Fascinating really! Motherhood is something else.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I often wonder how the relationship between husband and wife is after baby. I often see tons of blogs about the baby but not too many about how it affects the spouses relationship. I had a feeling it was probably a pretty huge change.
ReplyDeleteYes. A million times yes. I will get better at 1 year. And again at 2 years. Keep trying.
ReplyDeleteIt just occurred to me that your boy is only 2 months old. Girl it's gonna get so much better soon. 3 months. And 6 months. It seems to come in increments of 3 months. Once he is sleeping through the night you will get so much of you back. Your sanity. Your spunk. You time. It's coming!!!
ReplyDelete"I haven't yet learned how to be a whole person again. Right now I'm just a mom, very barely a wife, and basically nothing of a me but I know it'll get better..."
ReplyDeleteThis is perfect. You summed it up perfectly :)