Just A Little Off Kilter....

Tension is the pressure that slowly builds up around us and within us. It’s a pressure that begins on the outside, sometimes very far away, but it somehow finds its way inside us. At first it’s not perceivable, then we notice something but don’t quite know what it is. Then, as things build further, we know what is but want to ignore it. Then and after feeling things are mostly out of hand, we finally we admit to ourselves that yes, we are wound dangerously tight. Some of us are good at then identifying the problem and fixing things back at the source. If things are unfixable we find another controlled and logical way to release the stress. And some of us are not good at identification and self correction, so we just explode, usually after it’s too late. Either way, if we could at least detect the problem earlier, or at least see that there is a problem earlier, we could make things better in the end. Sounds easy doesn't it? I am eight days away from embryo transfer number 3. My t...

Imagine my surprise and delight when I noticed that the lovely  New Year Mum @ A Year On...Our New Beginning  has awarded me with the  Liebster Award. Thank you very much. It's means a great deal to me and I'm grateful. This Award is given to  bloggers  who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is  German  & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Leibster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers. Here are the rules: 1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you. 2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog. 3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.  4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going! So, without further ado, here is my list of five links worth clicking. Give these blogs some much-deserved lov...

Bright and early this morning I was up and off to the clinic for my ultrasound. As usual, there was a sheet on the exam table. The idea is to drape it modestly over your lower half while you're being examined. I got undressed, picked up the sheet and prepared to swaddle it around my hips like a stylish sarong. But when I unfolded the sheet I saw that it had a gigantic head-sized hole in the middle! It seems that on the weekends there's no laundry service, so the clinic quickly runs through its supply of sheets. By Monday morning, they have to resort to giving patients gowns to cover up with instead, the kind that function as a scratchy cotton poncho, entirely open at the sides, with no ties or snaps to close the garment. It was early, I was about to be violated by the dilo cam for the hundredth time but I somehow managed to find the humor in this and could not stop giggling. The doctor came back into the room to find me red faced in a fit of giggles.  Ultra...

If Morgan Freeman narrated my life, would it sound fancier? Cause Lord knows I really need all the help I can get! Otherwise, they might hire someone like Jeff Foxworthy. I prefer Dane Cook though… just cuz that would be much more fun!…in case anyone cares…??!?! My life this weekend has been anything but fancy. It's Sunday evening and I have yet make it out of my pajama's! I almost felt bad about it but then I remembered that at 7:30 tomorrow morning I have a date with Mr. Dildo cam...so I am going to relax and enjoy my lazy day!  Last FET my lining at the first ultrasound was a little on the thin side and our transfer was pushed back a week. I'm really hoping that doesn't happen this time. While I'm not looking forward to my Monday morning violation, I am curious as to what's going on in there. Did I tell you that Steve Martin looks at my hoo-ha? Well sort of.  The doctor that does my satellite monitoring looks  just  like him so therefore it’s basic...

Hello Friday...why did you take so long to get here?  It's been a long week.  Estrace is really starting to take a toll on my mood and emotions and well...let's be honest shall we...it's just not fun. For Adam, and I or perhaps even for Adam's slightly ~ okay...more than slightly ~ brain damaged cat Brick and yes, his name really is Brick. What you need to know about Brick is that his name matches up perfectly with his level of intelligence. This cat and I have a love/hate relationship...I'm leaning more towards hate. Perhaps another day you'll pull up a chair and I'll share some of the "fond" memories I have of Brick.   I digress...I've said over and over again that I would not let infertility and fertility treatments turn me into a bitter angry woman and that I would try my very best to stay positive...I'm trying, I really am but the past few days have been challenging. Regular Janet has gone away. I miss her and I hope she comes ba...

Today was a bad day... Tomorrow is a new day... I hope tomorrow is better. Tomorrow is Another Day by Hello Penny via Etsy

We women have come a long way from the "seen but not heard" era and we can now  own a car and drive it. Alone.  Yea, you read that right. Kind of a scary thought when women can be deliriously off during their period. They are an emotional bunch, think with their feelings. Loud too. Besides they  never  get the reverse parking right. Their life cycle consist of them being born, grow up, serving the family especially the male family – father, brothers. Then, God forbid if they aged more than 21 and were still single. You'd have called them "Old Maid". Women must get married at a young age when their body is still young and able to produce sons for the husband to carry the family name. You cannot put ideas in women by sending them to school lest they come up with bright ideas. Bright ideas  make  them talk. When they  dare  to talk they would demand rights. They don't have the right to their own bodies. It is always their fault when men can't c...

*Sigh* I really wasn't ready for my weekend in Toronto to be over. It was the mental break that I really, really need even more so than I even realized but here I sit...at my desk on a cold Monday morning. Clearly, Saturday and Sunday didn't get the memo that they were supposed to stay a little longer.  My weekend was filled with laughter & tears, walking & biking, dinner & drinks, shopping & crowds but best of all...much love & friendship. I really do have the best friends and it was amazing to see everyone. I'm already planning my next weekend getaway and yes, I'll once again be taking the train and this is one of the reasons why... Union Station in downtown Toronto...I love it! This weekend was also my first adventure on a BIXI Bike  and while fun it was also terrifying for a girl from the burbs who hasn't ridden a bike in many moons. I was happy to come away from that experience with all of my limbs and head still attached to me s...

It’s not secret that since starting IVF treatments in June I’ve been “gifted” with a few extra pounds around the middle. I always knew what “muffin top” was but seeing as it was never something I had, I simply didn’t notice it on others. I guess the same way that before trying to fill my broken uterus, I didn’t pay attention to babies or pregnant women but what I have discovered is that they are everywhere! Now, I cannot help but notice that the amount of “muffin tops” I encounter in a day has grown exponentially. For those of you unclear on the meaning of the term , “muffin tops” have replaced what we used to call ” love handles.” They are everywhere, on people of all ages, and no longer gender specific. I cannot help but feel torn when encountering a “muffin top” of considerable size. I never know if I should applaud the owner of the “top” for having the courage to let it all hang out, or offer them a sweater. Since being "gigted" I go to incredible length...

get-a-way An escape or quick departure, especially after committing a crime. A fast start by a race car. A place appropriate for a vacation. Tonight I'm taking the train to Toronto to attend the AGM for the Alpine Club of Canada - Toronto Section. Let's call this getaway a lot like number 3 as I'm pretty sure that while there, I have zero intention of committing a crime. Fashion crime, perhaps. Can you say muffin top, muffin top, muffin top? But clearly nothing serious enough to need to escape or quickly depart...I hope. Number 2 is out of the question, as I hate sports/race cars. I likes me a vehicle that is just a little more practical...boring I know...don't judge me! More importantly, I'm going to see a very good friend of mine that I haven't seen in many moons and who I miss very much.  There will be much  language, behavior, or ideas that are absurd and contrary to good sense...in short...silliness! climbers.org What are your weeke...

Last night we ventured out to the Reel Rock Film Tour  and it reminded me of something that I had almost forgotten... Before IVF I actually had a life!  I rock climbed...a lot, I hiked, I saw my friends, I went out for dinner & drinks and didn't talk about my lady parts and their inner workings. I smiled and laughed till my belly hurt. I was happy...I felt alive.  I've decided that I am going to claim back the life that infertility has tried so hard to steal from me.  Infertility...you can suck it! Mayfair Theatre...a very quaint special little place

This morning I started Estrace in preparation for my frozen embryo transfer. I have a love/hate relationship with those little blue pills ~  Why are our womanly little blue pills never as much fun as men's little blue pills?  Seems so unfair doesn't it? ~  I love that this signals the next step in my cycle and it gets me closer to transfer. I hate the side effects.  Google Estrace side effects and you'll likely see some of the following... Acne - Oh joy...I always enjoy when my wrinkly 36 year old face suddenly looks like a 13 year old wrinkly face. That third eye that suddenly appears and stares at me makes me a little uncomfortable. Stop staring at me! Bloating of stomach - I enjoy sitting at my desk with the top button of every pair of pants I own unbuttoned so that my newly acquired muffin top can spread out in all it's glory. I've discovered that there is no containing the muffin top...it's the boss.  Breast pain or swelling - pain I c...

Today I was on a mission! My last trip  to the grocery store ended in failure. Failue was not an option this time. I'm happy to report that this mission was a resounding sucess. I resisted, I really did but what I discovered is that resistance is futile. I'm not afraid to admit that these ten little sugary cookies have such power over me. Can you blame me? In my defense...I did walk eleven kilometeres this evening in prepartion for "Operation Cookie" That's a "I'm gonna have me some cookies" kind of smile! Was your weekend "Sweet"?

In twenty seven days...if all goes according to plan...two of our sweet little embryos will once again be right where they belong, tucked in and snuggling in for the long haul. Please, please let this be our cycle! I start Estrace on Monday and on Tuesday I'm booked in for an SIS, Sal ine Infusion Sonogram . I've not had one of these done before and seeing as I've had two failed cycles, it seemed prudent to schedule one before our upcoming transfer.  I'm confident  that everything will be as it should. I mean, I'm sure that if some alien growth had taken up residence inside my lady bits, I just might have noticed. It appears though that my expanding waistline is more likely caused by my addiction to those  frosted, sugary pillows of goodness  that I have been eating. Curse you cookies...why can't I escape your iron crasp?  *sigh* My job for the next twenty seven days is to take care good of myself, eat well - sadly, this mean no more cookies Janet - take m...

Dear Sweet Lil' Car, I miss you. I'm sure that the collision center is taking great care of you. Hang in there...    I hope we are reunited very soon. I Miss You by Jane Heller via Etsy Dear Insurance Company, I hate you!

I support Movember 

Dear Monday, I love you. I love you so. Please be kind to me as Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday have been very unkind to me. I could use a little love! Warm regards, Janet I love Mondays Print by Judy Kaufmann via Etsy

I’m not sure I should admit this. Actually I know I shouldn’t… But I’m going to because I tell on myself all the time anyway. I went for a walk yesterday – car still broken – I went to get two things: cheese and pizza dough. Which actually means I went for   three things right? Cheese, pizza dough and more sugar cookies. So I get there, grab my cheese and pizza dough and then headed to the bakery section to pick up my cookies…. *GASP* Oh.my.God. They have no frosted, sugary pillows of goodness. No! This can’t be. I walk around the store for a while looking lost. Which apparently means that each and every Loblaws employee must ask me if I need help. Of course I need help…Helllllo!! “Don’t you have my cookies?” I ask the nice young lady behind the counter. Not only does she not know what I’m talking about she tries to sell me some other cookies that are not, not, not the same. Look. I’m on a mish here and I only want “My Cookies” and if you can’t provide those please g...

I wish I had magical powers. I wish I could use them to make myself disappear...just for a while.  This past week has tested me like no other. I get up. I go to work. I do my job. I pretend to be happy. I pretend like everything is good. Pretending is hard work and I am tired.  Please, please...infertility, hormones, car insurance, work, life....please leave me alone. I just need a little break. A little break to breathe and rest. Please by Wire Animals via Etsy

Trying to get pregnant is often depressing, and I can’t deny that there have been many times when I’ve felt like a complete and total failure. That’s where making fun of this whole thing has come in handy. Truly, with either the right attitude or the right glass of wine (or two), trying to get knocked up when the odds seem to be stacked against you can be rather amusing. Here are just a few of the things that I have discovered while ingesting or injecting large amounts of hormones into my body in a quest to fill my broken uterus... 1.  You will be entirely incapable of thinking in a rational or sane matter and even the simplest of tasks will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. Yes I know how to tie my shoes Jackwagon, I just had a momentary lapse and forgot. Thanks. 2.  Your bowels will stage a strike on you. You know since all you need right now is to be extra bloated and miserable. Eating? No thanks I think I’m still di...