Just A Little Off Kilter....

Today is Cycle day 2. I know...exciting right? And here you thought today was just a regular ol' boring Tuesday! Surprise!  What this means is that we can now get things in motion for yet another frozen embryo transfer...which will also be our last frozen embryo transfer. We have two embryos left from our fresh cycle last summer so whether this cycle ends positively (fingers crossed) or negatively (which has kind of been our thang, yo) it will really be...our last FET. Why am I signing up for this emotional shite-coaster again? - If you barfed your first time on The Behemoth , that means you should ride it again as soon as possible! Step right up, strap in, and let’s get nauseous! Is it because I have some weird subprimal urge to parent something small? Because I'm insane? The definition of insanity is " Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results ". So it looks like insanity is a definite possibility. If I'm being completely h

Suspended animation is the state of disbelief I sometimes find myself in. It is marked by a kaleidoscope of emotions, with varying amounts of abject terror, profound sadness and smatterings of hope so strong it takes my breath away. This morning, once again, there was sunshine streaming through my bedroom window, sending smiles from the universe for another beautiful day. I woke up and realized that inside my heart, no sun is shining at the moment...just silence and darkness. That same energy that has been my silent partner since my  miscarriage . A sad quiet heart and a very tired body looking at the sunshine coming through the window feeling so disconnected and far away from that vivid energy. Trying to muster the energy and strength to face another day. I get up...here comes that sharp pain in my heart, I put my head in my hands and get the hard realization, yes, I did get pregnant and then I miscarried. That harsh understanding hits me...that what I had hoped to be the last AR

I love Spoonerisms, mostly because I misspeak a lot. What's a Spoonerism? A spoonerism is when you confuse the beginning sounds of two nearby words.  For example, I keep one drawer in my desk at work full of candy for when I need that pick me up sugar jolt. This morning's snack of choice were some jelly beans and because it's rude not to share, I offered some to my boss. "Mr. Boss, would you like some of my belly jeans"? I asked. See...spoonerism! In case you were interested...but you probably aren't but I will tell you anyway...The term Spoonerism is named after Reverend Spooner, a man of the cloth who lived in the latter part of the 19 th   century, no doubt entertaining his parishioners by accidentally swapping syllables. Spooner’s most infamous mix up was when he said, “May I sew you to your sheet?” (rather than the innocuous   May I show you to your seat?). One of my other favourite spoonerisms was coined by my  rock climbing friend who drunkenly call

Yesterday was Adam's 35th Birthday. I baked him a cake (it was a sad, sad little cake but it was a homemade...sad, sad little cake),  bought him balloons and decorated the house a little... I thought the silly faces would be cute...but they look kind of creepy! We had a lovely evening. Happy Birthday Adam...love you much! Adam's birthday got me to thinking about my next birthday. I'll be 37 this summer and I’ve noticed I’m no longer as young as I think I am. This epiphany usually happens when I look in the mirror, a habit  I'm  trying to lose.  I don’t wear a lot of  makeup usually , but recently (yesterday cause I left work early to bake a cake, baked the cake, looked in the mirror, felt old, went to the mall to buy something to fix it), I forked over $27 for a tube of concealer. I walked into the makeup section at the Bay...something I never ever, ever do. In fact, I go out of my way to never enter the Bay using the  entrance  that deposits you into

I chose to give up Facebook. I don’t regret it, not even a little bit. Sure, I know Facebook can be a useful tool. You can share photos, keep in touch with long distance family and friends, schedule events, share funny videos, favorite articles or interesting news. But on the flip side… Did I really need to see 184 photos of "Fran’s Dirty 30 Party," filled with enough drunken divas to last a lifetime? Or did I really want to know that you “just cleaned the grout in the shower and now its time for a sleepy sleep!" Or that you’re “burning the steaks on the BBQ!" Perhaps they wouldn't be burning if you were actually in front of the barbecue, instead of telling your Facebook friends about it? Or do I really need to know that you “just ate a hot dog and a diet coke for lunch”. I came to realize that no, I don’t need to know any of those things. After some time without it, I’ve begun to think that Facebook actually does a lot more harm to relationships tha

There are a number of things I'm terrible at. Doing anything crafty tops the list, followed by walking in high heels, cooking and anything requiring opposable thumbs. The other thing that I am terrible at is telling jokes. I heard a great joke the other day from a friend and I wanted to share and pass along said funny joke because I was on a mission to spread laughter and joy!  My mission was a complete failure. Why did it fail? It failed because I suck at telling jokes and what ends up happening is that my attempt at telling a joke... is the joke. Here is a list of things that can go wrong: I move my lips while I rehearse the joke. I start with the punchline, but don’t realize this until the end. When I notice my audience is engaged, I take creative liberty and add my own flair. As always, I go too far. I rush it. I go too slowly. I forget it. I remember it, in the wrong order. I do weird body movements, such as rocking forward or looking off to one side. I am

Happy Chinese New Year!  Today marks the beginning of the Year of the Dragon.  Did you know that last year was the  Year of the Rabbit? I didn't know that last year was MY year...I missed MY year. How did I miss MY year? Truth be told, I would like to forget about last year but before forgetting forever, I took a look back at what last year was going to have in store for me according to the Chinese Horoscope for the Year of the Rabbit... " For those who are born under this zodiac (that's me, good ol' 1975) , things may not be very rosy, as evil stars can cause much obstacles in your life in 2011. Although this may be your year, your wealth luck is not strong. Do not get into arguments (oops, didn't heed this advice) , drive safely (or this one) , manage your finances well (gave it all away to my fertility clinic) , avoid risks in all fronts, curb your anger (oops...I think I failed at this one too)  and be more considerate towards your loved ones (I trie

It's been cold here in Ottawa. The kind of cold that makes your nostrils stick together when you take a deep breath in...through your nose of course...but I have to admit...that nostril sticking stuff always makes me giggle? Why...cause I'm weird that way. I also have to admit that I still find myself slipping into a dark place. It has been slowly getting better since the miscarriage. Time passes, life moves forward. But there are still moments of profound sadness that sneak up on me, catching me by surprise. So last night I took matters into my own hands. I decided to dip my cold, broken heart into the great chocolate fondue of love! First the fire... then add strawberries, bananas, kiwi, pineapple and cantaloupe, chocolate & enjoy... The aftermath...I ate until my belly begged for sweet mercy and then ate just a little more! What about you...what makes you feel better when the weather is cold and you are feeling down? Do you fondue? 

They way in which people find my blog is always good for a giggle. Take this one for example…someone searched for  "Do Area 51 employees fly out of McCarran airport every day or every 51 days?" and this led them to my blog about infertility and IVF. Huh? Too funny! Giggle art print by Art By Trudy via Etsy Just  realized  that this is my 200th post. Hmmm...I really do talk alot! Happy Saturday!

This morning we had our appointment with our new RE here in Ottawa and wow, I feel so much better. I have renewed hope. I have to admit that hope is something that has been a little hard to come by lately. We spent an hour with our doctor this morning and had a very good in depth conversation about our past cycles and what are next steps will be. I also had some blood work drawn to check my thyroid as well as some swabs that I hadn’t yet had. Much to Adam’s unhappiness, he’ll also do another SA. We did this in part to be prepared if we decide to do a fresh cycle instead of another frozen transfer. I left feeling much better than when I went in. We have decided on the recommendation of our doctor to move forward with FET #3. While our two remaining embryos are Grade 2 (our clinic uses a 1-4 system with 1 being the best and 4 the worst), I did get pregnant with them last month and that’s encouraging. I’ll be on the exact some protocol as FET #2. Start Depot Lupron on cycle day

Why Janet? Why did you do it?  Last night as I sat thinking about today's appointment with our new RE and clinic...it occurred to me that since embarking on this IVF journey in our guest for baby JaAdam, that I had yet to sit down and really crunch the numbers. How much have we really spent on fresh cycles, frozen cycle, medications, travelling...the list goes on. I did that last night. I should have left it alone. Sometimes not knowing really is better than knowing.  Let me say that we have been blessed with fantastic drug coverage and for that I have been incredibly grateful. When you are told that your lifetime coverage for fertility medications is $15,000 you think "Great. We have more than enough coverage" I thought wrong. Since June of 2010 when we started our first cycle of IVF and now, on the verge of FET #3, we've spent a grand total of $13,500 and change in medications alone. That $15K isn't looking so BIG anymore.  I also looked at what we've

Here I stand, at the brink of yet another cycle. I am petrified, terrified beyond belief. It’s like walking into the lion’s den, after you’ve already been mauled, nearly to death, yet in you go again, knowing the danger. I have to do this, the alternative, giving up, is something I can’t and won’t contemplate. Ready To Go by Lyric A Day via Etsy Tomorrow morning we have our appointment to get cycle #5 underway. 

I'm going to go with no on this one but I do have hope that my hostile uterus can be tamed into carrying a wee baby. I've been whispering sweet nothins' and treating her kind in hopes she'll warm up and be a little more loving and inviting!  I ordered this book after hearing some good things about it and after three failures I figured it couldn't hurt. It arrived today and I plan on giving it a read tonight. Have any of you read it?  Is Your Body Baby Friendly?   I'll let you know what I think. 

The black hole in my house is expanding. Not only have I lost my memory card and my extra pair of glasses, but the wooden buttons that I bought to sew on a sweater are missing now. Add those to at least 3 socks, a little green button I've been meaning to sew on an old comfy sweater, my French book (in case I ever decide to go back to night classes...I'll need it), half a package of cookies, one of my favourite earrings, a flower charm from my bracelet, my pizza cutter (not Adam's little wee pizza cutter but MY big bad pizza cutter), about half a dozen Tupperware lids, 3 tubes of chapstick, a brush from the downstairs bathroom and 3/4 of my memory.  Seriously, where does this stuff go? It's not like my house is so big that stuff could get lost in one of many rooms. Why can't I find these things? I'd love for someone to come up with small, inexpensive homing devices that could be placed on your items. I would certainly put one on my car keys, my camera, my glasses

Everybody wants that thing called “a good life.” Well here’s my question, what does that even mean? Exactly what is it that moves a life from “an average life” to “the good life”? For that matter, who gets to decide what constitutes a good life? If you asked a hundred people those questions, chances are you would get a hundred different answers. But even in the variety of answers, you would find several common areas that are important to almost everybody. So, while your definition may vary from mine, there are many things that we would both consider necessary for the good life. I have a good life. Despite the struggles of the past few months I am incredibly grateful that I am healthy, I am lucky. There are those unfortunately that struggle with their health. I did something today that I hope will allow me to give back.  I signed up with  One Match .  The OneMatch Stem Cell and Marrow Network was originally established as the Unrelated Bone Marrow Donor Registry. It is dedicate

I've been trying to write this post for a while now but the words never seemed to come out just right... Last month, I experienced a chemical pregnancy, and a loss at 5 weeks. To date, after three cycles, this was the only confirmed pregnancy I've experienced. We transferred two embryos on day three of our second FET cycle. My first beta at 13 DPO was 43. The doctor said to me “ Congratulations, you're pregnant.” But, we all knew 43 wasn't high enough. The second beta was 41. That was it. For just over one week I was pregnant. Our embryos, our babies, weren't healthy enough to survive and thrive. I started bleeding at 5 weeks. I was so thankful to have made it that far. I don’t know why, but that really meant something to me...to make it to 5 weeks. Since then I’ve struggled to make sense of what happened. Being pregnant for one week. What does that mean? I've  spent a lot of time thinking about the term “chemical pregnancy"...what it implies. Techn

I did say that I would post the answers to the movie quiz quote yesterday…but…I am a liar and am just getting to it now and I really have no good excuse as to why I didn't post it yesterday so please forgive me! Here are the answers to the movie quote quiz: Batman Jaws Pretty Woman Back to the Future Miss Congeniality Con Air The Truman Show The Sound of Music Notting Hill Princess Bride Goodfellas Princess Bride Rush Hour Raiders of the Lost Ark Lethal Weapon 4 All the Answers by aRose Photos via Etsy

A couple of days  ago I may or may not have bragged that I'm an awesome movie quoter. I might have even used the word "Superhero". So in honour of that post I've come up with a movie quote quiz. Why? cause it's geeky and lame and I happen to have embraced my geeky, lame side. This is also a nice distraction from thinking and or talking about my hostile uterus and the heartbreak of my miscarriage. Distraction is the theme of my life these days.  How many will you get correct? I'll post the answers tomorrow.  Have you ever danced with the devil in a pale moonlight? We need a bigger boat. You make a hundred dollars an hour and you got a safety-pin holding your boot up. Roads? Where were going, we don't need roads.  You think I'm gorgeous, you wanna kiss me, you wanna hug me. I said... put the bunny in the box. In case I don't see ya...good afternoon, good evening and good night. How do you solve a problem like Maria? I'm also just a g

“You just need to relax. Then you’ll get pregnant” I've  heard this one a lot. Thanks  for this valuable tidbit! I once again heard this today when talking to someone that I barely know (a friend of a friend) that apparently knew that we have been struggling to get pregnant which is cool. I’ve been pretty open and honest about our struggle. I am not ashamed. I had no idea  that   was all it took to get pregnant! And to think, this entire time I’ve been trying IVF and frozen embryo transfers, not to mention copious amounts of infertility drugs!  I really missed the memo on that one. Damn. Just for the record…taking a week long vacation to Jamaica and sitting on the beach is not going to magically impregnate me. It may have worked for a friend of your cousin Bob but that doesn’t mean it will work for everyone. If a vacation was all it took, trust me, I wouldn’t have spent thousands of dollars on IVF and instead gone on vacation! In all fairness to Jamaica I’ve never been and