Cheese Please

It's been just over a week since getting confirmation that our last cycle resulted in a chemical pregnancy. One week after I found out my latest IVF failed, and I’m still not sure how I feel about it. Well, I take that back. I know I feel pissed, hormonal, crampy, bloated, disappointed and slightly crazy (in a good way…can you be crazy in a good way?) but in terms of how I feel about the future — that remains unclear.

With respect to the immediate future however, I am clear. There will be a pity party tonight at my house, and the first thing on the menu will be blocks and blocks of cheese! It will also include Port, Riesling and perhaps a drop or two of scotch. Swiss cheese (which has gotten me through a few dull parties) a nice sharp cheddar cheese and some stinky Oka are all in order once you realize that you’re still not pregnant after many, many months of trying, and four IVF cycles. Even though I fully intended to get back on my pre-IVF diet, what’s the point of that right now? Therefore, the diet must be once again postponed. 

I might even indulge in some fertility no-no's like raw fish, vodka, caffeine and hair colouring (I always wondered what I'd look like as a blonde). If I were to make invitations and invite all of you lovely people, I’d be sure to write all the invite details on a nice white Kleenex. Goody bags would consist of left over progesterone, tampons and ovulation prediction kits. I might even throw in  a pregnancy test or two (unused of course).

If there’s a point to a pity party, it’s to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, to process recent events and do whatever you need to do to get you through the next couple of hours, days and weeks. That’s exactly what I’m going to do tonight. Yes, I still plan to get back on the annoying, endless dieting, be healthy as horse tomorrow, and yes, I will even continue trying to conceive despite how badly it’s gone thus far, but for now, it’s my pity party and I’ll eat cheese if I want to.

Eat More Cheese by Funnel Cloud via Etsy

*Note* After tonight's festivities...no more sadness, no more wishing "would could have been"...there will however be lots of letting go, moving on and being my happy self once again!