Dilemma
I’m having a bit of a dilemma. Which is putting it mildly. I am not sure whether to shut the factory down for good, or keep it chugging along in its pitiful, yet marginally functioning state.
If things were normal, if *I* was normal (cue hysterical laughter here), then I might be happy to let things chug along as they were and see what happens. But things (my body and I) are far from normal and so I feel like I need to make a decision either way. Which really sucks and makes me feel a renewed sense of frustration, irritation and mourning for the sorry state of affairs of my reproductive bits.
If things were normal, if *I* was normal (cue hysterical laughter here), then I might be happy to let things chug along as they were and see what happens. But things (my body and I) are far from normal and so I feel like I need to make a decision either way. Which really sucks and makes me feel a renewed sense of frustration, irritation and mourning for the sorry state of affairs of my reproductive bits.
We recently had an appointment with our RE to discuss our options and see where we stand. It was great to touch base with Dr. L but as expected, nothing has really changed. My fertility has been on a fairly rapid decline and there's not much we can do to change that (FSH last tested at 20). It was good to hear that my tubes are open and that my uterus appears to be in good shape but despite our best efforts...my hostile uterus remains empty.
What next?
We'll repeat my Day 3 blood work with this cycle (which was only 24 days) and in the new year, at some point, we'll move forward with IUI. I would have thought that with this decision I would feel some sense of hope. Some sense of "thiswill could happen" but the honest truth is...I feel hopeless. What's the point?
My last two cycles have been 28 and 24 days and one of the first signs of poor egg quality, fertility and the approaching end of your child bearing years, is shorter cycles. This is my current reality and while it's sucks, it's my reality...the only one I have and there's just no way around that. No easy fix. No magic pill.
This brings me to my dilemma...
If you were me (aren't you thankful you aren't!), what would you do? Shut the factory down and get on with your life or keep the rusty machinery going just a bit longer. Just in case? What say you, oh wise and wonderful ones?
What next?
We'll repeat my Day 3 blood work with this cycle (which was only 24 days) and in the new year, at some point, we'll move forward with IUI. I would have thought that with this decision I would feel some sense of hope. Some sense of "this
My last two cycles have been 28 and 24 days and one of the first signs of poor egg quality, fertility and the approaching end of your child bearing years, is shorter cycles. This is my current reality and while it's sucks, it's my reality...the only one I have and there's just no way around that. No easy fix. No magic pill.
This brings me to my dilemma...
If you were me (aren't you thankful you aren't!), what would you do? Shut the factory down and get on with your life or keep the rusty machinery going just a bit longer. Just in case? What say you, oh wise and wonderful ones?
I think moving forward with iui is a good decision. Even with "bad" egg quality, you still have some good ones in there. Since they will be starting you on stims you will have a better chance of getting that golden egg. I am so hopeful for you!
ReplyDeleteMy Dr. won't use stims...said it won't make a difference.
DeleteOh I am sorry. Maybe try it and see even if there is a very slim chance that it might make a difference?
DeleteHi Janet,
DeleteI posted on your blog a while back in 2013. We are the same age and I have very high FSH. I found you while searching for IVF infertility stories...
I had one failed IVF and the a successful one in NOV 2012. I now have a six month old daughter. This happened by doing minimal stimulation IVF. Was at the CREATE clinic in TO. Cost $4500 wayyyyy cheaper than regular IVF. Miracle drug was femera as it is great for producing egg in high FSH ers
DeleteSorry for all these disjointed posts. I've only responded once before on a blog ( yours) let me know if you'd like to chat more and I can pass on my details. Minimal stimulation IVF could hold some hope. All it takes is one good egg...
DeleteI might look into donor eggs, if it were a financially viable option. An iui is still not out of the question for you, though, if it is an iui with injectibles. It has worked for plenty of other women even with a gradual slowing of the biological clock, why not you? (don't laugh!). I would probably go balls-to-the-wall one last blitz than out.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what your financial situation is but I know I wanted to try everthing within my power (financially and mentally) before I decided to call it quits. That way I wouldn't be able to say I didn't try and give it my all and would live with no regrets or "what if's". It def is not an easy decision but trust me when I say you will know when you are ready to end your journey. I don't understand your Dr's reasoning of not even trying with stims. It's true it might not make a difference but for many it does and they won't know unless they try. Big hugs to you and best of luck!
ReplyDeleteThough not a very helpful 'this or that' opinion, I would take a good long look at what I could live with. If you'll always wonder if xyz was the answer, well then I'd try, if you're tapped out and really ready to stop on this roller coaster, then I'd call it quits.
ReplyDeleteWould it be worth it to you trying for a second opinion? I know a lot of people are of the 'you'll feel better knowing you tried EVERYTHING' school of thought, but like you, I reached a point where I felt that all the ttc and sense of failure that accompanied it were really intruding on my life, and we set ourselves a deadline, because I didn't want to continue living in that limbo land. Of course, we have gotten really, unexpectedly lucky in the final months of that process, so I can't say how I'd now feel if I were facing the final weeks of my ttc journey without 'results'. You're allowed to feel conflicting things though, and to change your mind too.
ReplyDeleteI know none of this is especially helpful advice, but just wanted you to know I am reading, I get it, and I hope that whatever path you finally embark on will bring you peace and happiness. Sending hugs.
I agree with the other girls-- maybe a second opinion, especially regarding the no-injectables?- and probably some all-out blitz. Throw everything at it. Unless you just feel like you don't want to, in which case you should take all that money and go on a fabulous vacation instead. Preferably to Georgia. Maybe Athens. ;) And bring ketchup chips...
ReplyDeleteI didn't know you guys didn't have ketchup chips until I read it on your blog!
DeleteIn my personal experience, I just wanted a family and I didn't care how it was formed. We were knee-deep in adoption paperwork when we conceived, and I also had donor embryos on the table (from a friend I met during IVF)
ReplyDeleteWhatever you decide to do, I hope it brings you peace
Hi ! I would give it another chance, just to make sure that, at the end of the day, I can tell myself I have tried everything in my power.
ReplyDeleteWhen you read all the great stories out there, you can't help but feeling hopeful that it only takes one...
Sending hugs.
I'm in the exact same situation as you, and I've pretty much given up on my machinery. We're looking into donor egg. It actually made me feel really good knowing that we were looking at an option that doesn't rely on my crappy eggs, but I don't know if that's an option for you. I just wasn't ready to shut it down entirely yet. I think you know when you are.
ReplyDeleteI was given a 5% chance of conceiving with my final IVF cycle. We went through with it partly because I was crazy and partly because it was covered under insurance. We signed up to be foster/adoptive parents right before the cycle started with our local child welfare office. It was free and we could back out at anytime so I thought - why not.? The day after the last cycle failed I was handed a three day old baby girl who needed me almost as much as I needed her. She is now my two year old daughter. Good luck in whatever path you may choose.
ReplyDeleteI'm really in no position to give advice...I've only recently started reading your blog and haven't been on the TTC path nearly as long as many. But, I wanted you to know that I'm reading and I care. I can only imagine what a heavy decision that must be. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best! KinderCoaster
ReplyDeleteAfter almost 9 years of TTC, I'm giving myself one more year. It's probably THE hardest part fo me- knowing when to say "uncle." I've had 2 failed adoptions, 3 different diagnoses (all correct) to explain my situation, and roughly 100 months of disappointment. I am still relatively young, and have let my life slip through my fingertips in this quest. I want MY life back, just the way God intended it. I wish He and I had the same dream for my life, but that might not be the case. Of course, this is just me and my decision. Point is, I want you to know you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm... I feel this post! I agree with the people who have said "seek a second opinion" if you never have. It can be eye-opening and I wish I had done it sooner, personally. Sometimes there are different options out there than you thought were available. I am not really a good person to ask as I am an "exhaust all possible options, exhaust your body and soul and then do some more exhausting while you're at it" person apparently, and I still waffle on what my fork-in-the-road decision ultimately is. I would look long and hard at your goal and your options for that goal. What do you want? Do you want to be a mom? Do you want to be pregnant and a mom? Do you want to use your genetic material and be a mom? What are you willing to explore to get to your end goal? What can you swing financially? Are you open to multiple options at once? I am getting awfully close to "I JUST WANT A FAMILY OF MORE THAN TWO!!!" where I can let go of pregnancy, but I know myself and I cannot pursue both treatment and adoption at the same time. This is a giant case of "to each their own," and only you know what a) you are capable of enduring b) what you are capable of paying for c) you are capable of waiting for. There's no cut-and-dry answer. You have to go with your heart and what you personally can do. (How's that for a completely useless bit of advice...). I'm sorry you are in this position. I wish things weren't so dreadfully unfair. Peace to you, whatever you decide.
ReplyDeleteJanet, I read this (obviously) forever ago, and have been thinking about you ever since. I only now have finally dragged my ass to the computer to comment - and for that, I am sorry. I have to say, that if i was you....I wouldn't give up. I know I personally, could not give up. I swore I wouldn't put myself through another fresh cycle...but I had no idea that 9 embyros would get me zero babies. And while every step was hell and absolutely kicked my ass....I don't know if I would have/could have ever given up. And now, looking back, obviously, I am so glad I did not. But I know if you and I were still chugging along in our parallel lives, I would have to keep going. I hope you are able to make a decision you can make peace with - and I know you know all your options. But I assure you, if/when you hold that baby in your arms - it will all be worth it. Good luck my friend. I am rooting for you every step.
ReplyDeleteAnd for what it is worth...i feel like you are holding it together far better than I would. It is impressive.