My "Other" Resume

So there I was…(I always wanted to start a story that way and even though it totally doesn’t fit here… I’m using it because I can.)


So there I was. Thinking about what my real-life resume would look like. You know the one where I’m just brutally honest and not try to convince you that I’m the greatest thing since strawberries met shortcake. Here goes, my dirty laundry list that may or may not be all-inclusive and/or may or may not be mostly true.

1. I suck at faking things. Happiness, liking people whom I don't...Just to name a few.
2. I might have a minor condition or disease where I tend to say stupid stuff at wildly inappropriate times which subsequently results in the lack of ability to dislodge my left or right (pick one) foot from my mouth. Which is particularly troublesome on the days I need to walk and talk at the same time.
3. When you want me to be somewhere at a certain time you should probably tell me to show up like 5-10 mins before that. I admit, I really hate this trait but unfortunately it’s not my fault that the universe is out to get me. Or that tiny little fairies mess with my clocks all the time. Either way I assure you, it’s still not my fault.
4. I love to stop at random/lame tourist attractions. World's Tallest Ukrainian Lady? I’m there. Museum of Questionable Medical Devices? You bet your sweet ass! World's Largest Chocolate Waterfall? Oh yeah! Worlds largest Popcorn ball? Why not...I like popcorn. Anyway, a 4-hour road trip with me will actually take 11. Plan accordingly.
5.  I sometimes make inappropriate jokes when I am uncomfortable, nervous, stressed, and you know what? Shag it, I do this even when I’m happy. (see #2) In my defense, my jokes are really, I mean really funny!

UPDATED: I’d like to add a #6 because I strongly feel this is imperative for a resume… I’m a movie quoter. I can quote movies like a superhero!