Waging War
I'm generally pretty good at sometimes hiding how I'm really feeling with a few smiles, some humour and a good laugh so you may or may not know that I've been waging an angry war against a funk that I seem to be in. I blame in part...infertility, IVF , frozen embryo cycle after frozen embryo cycle, a miscarriage and an upcoming IVF cycle.
At times, it’s been ugly, but I am holding my own. Even when we can’t rally against our enemies we just bunker down and avoid the weapons being hurled at our heads. In a manner of speaking.
I know damn well that I’m not supposed to think that. It’s silly. Laughable even. I’m supposed to tell that little voice inside my head to shut her dirty whore mouth. But full, FULL disclosure? It’s remarkably difficult to digUP out of that hole. Which, in turn, makes me feel like I'm failing at fixing myself – an even heavier hit to the gut.
So this is my new bugga-boo.
In another manner of speaking, my enemies haunt me every day. I’m constantly on guard. I walk around with one of those medieval shields and a giant lance just waiting for something to pummel me.
Full disclosure? Protecting myself all day is utterly exhausting. And on top of it, I spend most of my time feeling ashamed, thinking about how I feel less and less like “myself” with every passing moment – more like a weaker me; a failure, an embarrassment.
Full disclosure? Protecting myself all day is utterly exhausting. And on top of it, I spend most of my time feeling ashamed, thinking about how I feel less and less like “myself” with every passing moment – more like a weaker me; a failure, an embarrassment.
I know damn well that I’m not supposed to think that. It’s silly. Laughable even. I’m supposed to tell that little voice inside my head to shut her dirty whore mouth. But full, FULL disclosure? It’s remarkably difficult to digUP out of that hole. Which, in turn, makes me feel like I'm failing at fixing myself – an even heavier hit to the gut.
So this is my new bugga-boo.
I am going to take everything I have and win this war. And then, then, I am going to bust through that tall, dark and ugly wall that holds me back and throw every busted brick at it until it comes crumbling down.
I do not want to feel like this any more. I want to feel like me again.
I do not want to feel like this any more. I want to feel like me again.
I'm going to stand tall with my shield and lance and fight to find Janet again!
I am not sure when you are having your ivf in August, but I start my stims on August 11th! Thanks for the information on vitamins! I know exactly what you mean about "being in the funk" and trying to move past it.
ReplyDeleteI have days like this. Infertility is hard and painful. I love your attitude. You will win this war! Thanks for the support on my blog. I hope your next cycle is the one for you!
ReplyDeleteYep, it's so hard to not fall into a funk. The worst part about IF is that you never know when/ how it's going to end. Of course you want to know that you put up one hell of a fight and did everything you could. It's hard not to get fatigued though. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI feel you. We fight the infertility war every single day, it's bound to take a toll on us. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteFight the good fight sister. I want to be in the archery section with my bow and quiver of arrows at the ready. I am totally with you on this quest, I want to fight for the real me too.
ReplyDeleteI found myself nodding my head in agreement as I read this. "Protecting myself all day is exhausting...." That whole section is exactly how I've been feeling. How to fight the good fight without losing yourself while doing it? Ugh. Hang in there girl! I think you've got plenty of fight left in you!
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