A Girl. The Mall. A Wedgie
I was at the mall the other day. Bad idea.
Here’s how you can pick your wedgie without detection.
Change Your Stride - Pretend you’re doing some sort of stretching/lunging exercise and make your stride much longer than normal. People would never guess you had a wedgie, they would just think “Wow this person is really into working out while shopping. Look at that stride.” They’ll be amazed. Another option is to make your stride extremely short, if you think that’s the best way to fix your dilemma. Going the short-stride route, however, might require a bit more creativity to make it look like a believable exercise. To add some exercise flair to your short stride I suggest developing a small hop or prance-like step by walking on your tiptoes. The short stride is a truly elegant step, one that should be used wisely and sparingly. So, I recommend saving it for fancier events.
Wedgie Wear - If you suffer from wedgies too frequently to constantly be changing up your stride, you’re going to want to conceal your wedgie pick. You might need to change up your wardrobe to arm yourself with cover-up option. Use a purse as a shield against watching eyes. You can also use a shopping bag. I do believe though, that backpacks offer an even better solution. Backpacks not only cover the whole wedgie area but they also have the added bonus of weight and security. By making your backpack extra heavy by buying and adding more purchases to your backpa, you are adding an extra layer of immovable coverage. To take your backpack to the next level of security, fasten the backpack buckle around your waist real tight. Now that backpack won’t go anywhere, but you know who will? You wedgie-free.
Turn a Blind Eye and Immobilize your Hand - If you don’t have an object you can conceal your wedgie with and if backpacks aren’t your style, then you can always try to ignore your wedgie and just keep on walking. This, however, requires a lot of willpower and I applaud you for your fearlessness. If you choose to ignore you should be careful about running into people you might know. I know the only thing on my mind would be my wedgie. They could be telling me something really important, but in my head all I’d be thinking about was my wedgie and if they had a wedgie, and anything wedgie related. I guarantee the conversation would get weird. So, just be prepared to end your conversations quickly or attempt to dodge them completely. Give this person the same amount of attention as your wedgie. None.
So, with a new stride, or your concealing object of choice or your sheer tenacity you’re ready to walk with pride, with grace, and most importantly worry-free…of wedgies.
You see...I have been in a bit of a bubble all month and I was blissfully unaware that the Christmas shopping season had descended upon us. At any rate...I was there...at the mall when it happened.
The Wedgie. I panicked a little on the inside before calming myself and regaining my senses. There must be a way out of this...I thought. "Think Janet" and I did...
Change Your Stride - Pretend you’re doing some sort of stretching/lunging exercise and make your stride much longer than normal. People would never guess you had a wedgie, they would just think “Wow this person is really into working out while shopping. Look at that stride.” They’ll be amazed. Another option is to make your stride extremely short, if you think that’s the best way to fix your dilemma. Going the short-stride route, however, might require a bit more creativity to make it look like a believable exercise. To add some exercise flair to your short stride I suggest developing a small hop or prance-like step by walking on your tiptoes. The short stride is a truly elegant step, one that should be used wisely and sparingly. So, I recommend saving it for fancier events.
Wedgie Wear - If you suffer from wedgies too frequently to constantly be changing up your stride, you’re going to want to conceal your wedgie pick. You might need to change up your wardrobe to arm yourself with cover-up option. Use a purse as a shield against watching eyes. You can also use a shopping bag. I do believe though, that backpacks offer an even better solution. Backpacks not only cover the whole wedgie area but they also have the added bonus of weight and security. By making your backpack extra heavy by buying and adding more purchases to your backpa, you are adding an extra layer of immovable coverage. To take your backpack to the next level of security, fasten the backpack buckle around your waist real tight. Now that backpack won’t go anywhere, but you know who will? You wedgie-free.
Turn a Blind Eye and Immobilize your Hand - If you don’t have an object you can conceal your wedgie with and if backpacks aren’t your style, then you can always try to ignore your wedgie and just keep on walking. This, however, requires a lot of willpower and I applaud you for your fearlessness. If you choose to ignore you should be careful about running into people you might know. I know the only thing on my mind would be my wedgie. They could be telling me something really important, but in my head all I’d be thinking about was my wedgie and if they had a wedgie, and anything wedgie related. I guarantee the conversation would get weird. So, just be prepared to end your conversations quickly or attempt to dodge them completely. Give this person the same amount of attention as your wedgie. None.
So, with a new stride, or your concealing object of choice or your sheer tenacity you’re ready to walk with pride, with grace, and most importantly worry-free…of wedgies.
you're hilarious janet!
ReplyDeleteI generally go for big strides. I like your interpreting of other people's impression. Thanks for the smile.
ReplyDeleteI too do the big strides and I cannot tell you how many times I've finished painting my nails and gotten a wedgie!
ReplyDeleteYou my dear are hilarious! Consider me a new follower/stalker!! Nice to 'meet' you :)
ReplyDelete