Just A Little Off Kilter....

I remember as a kid I could never understand what the big fuss about New Year's resolutions was. It seemed a little silly to wait until January 1st to make some big proclamation. If you want to change something about yourself, change it. The older I get though, the more I see the need for resolutions. And the more I learn about the brain, the more I understand why. The brain organizes itself like a tree...the trunk and thick branches are the main pathways that branch into finer and finer distinctions the older one gets. So if you've been building on one habit for many years, it takes some serious pruning and reorganizing to get a different habit to grow it its place. This brings me to my New Year's resolution...talk in a funny accent. Yes, really. You see, for some reason some people have a lot of trouble understanding me when I talk. I don't have a speech impediment or anything like that, I just talk very fast and mumble a lot. There are times when I can speak very cle

Well, it's Christmas Eve, and I don't know how much time I'll have to post, with the eggnog and the wrapping paper and the jingly bells flying all 'round. Family duties, you understand. So I thought I'd bring in a guest poster, to keep you entertained for the day, while I flit to and fro. I couldn't find a real guest poster on Christmas, and on such short notice, so I've decided to try something radical. Just this once, because it's Christmas, I'm going to let my inner child tell you what she thinks of the holiday season. Unfettered, unadulterated, and no holds barred. I hope you enjoy this look at Christmas through the eyes of my younger, more immature self. ____________________________________________________________ Hi. My name is Janet. I'm firty eight years old. Okay, not really. I live inside another Janet, and she's thirty eight. But I never got older than nine or ten years old. Mommy says that's because I didn't ea

Last Friday was Cycle Day 3 and while not a momentous occasion, an important day in regards to my fertility nonetheless.  Now that we've made the decision to move forward with IUI in the new year, it was time to measure my Day 3 levels (again). FSH, LH, and E2. I've had this done, many times...always with disappointing results, but disappointing or not, it needs to be done. Simple enough eh? I left work at lunch, made the ten minute drive to my clinic, parked my car, grabbed my paperwork and then proceeded to sit in my freezing car for the next thirty minutes. I could not make myself get out of the car! I just couldn't. I sat there frozen in place...staring at the doors to the clinic.  "What's wrong with you Janet?" that negative inner voice screamed at me.  "Get out of the car" "Go" "Open the door...and get out of the car". I sat there for a few more minutes, paperwork clutched tight in my hands and then started the c

You think you had a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.

A while ago I recounted the story of a woman walking in on when while I was using the restroom and wouldn't leave (I'm too lazy to go back and find this post so if you recall this great, if not...well...). The only thing worse than being in a public restroom and having someone open the door on you is being the person who opens the door. I always feel so guilty and weird and never know what to say. But, after years of experience, I've come up with the best ways to handle this awkward situation. Silently sneak away - I know your first reaction when you see someone on a toilet in front of you is to scream, but I’m telling you this is the worst possible thing to do. It will freak the person out so much more and it might draw a large crowd. So, I suggest being completely silent in hopes of being invisible to said person on toilet. Overly apologetic - If you can’t silently sneak away you should be prepared to give your sincerest apologies. You can stand outside their doo

One of the most difficult and hard to accept lessons of adulthood is realizing that you will feel pain and that you cannot go over or under or around it. It’s a terrible place to be in because, well, it’s painful. But the most relevant aspect of pain is that it is caused by something that cannot be ignored or avoided. The most important fact to remember about emotional pain is that it will not kill you. It will sting and make you cry, and perhaps make you not want to eat or talk or whatever, but it will not kill you and you will recover. It will simmer and sift around inside you, then eventually it will pass. After it is gone, you will change as a result of it. Whatever you feel at any point in time is not forever.  Pain is a typical experience to have at some point in life and yeah, it’s super terrible, but you can enact important basic steps to get you through it...eating healthily, sleeping, exercising, getting outside and forcing yourself to be around those that love you even

I’m having a bit of a dilemma. Which is putting it mildly. I am not sure whether to shut the factory down for good, or keep it chugging along in its pitiful, yet marginally functioning state. If things were normal, if *I* was normal (cue hysterical laughter here), then I might be happy to let things chug along as they were and see what happens. But things (my body and I) are far from normal and so I feel like I need to make a decision either way. Which really sucks and makes me feel a renewed sense of frustration, irritation and mourning for the sorry state of affairs of my reproductive bits. We recently had an appointment with our RE to discuss our options and see where we stand. It was great to touch base with Dr. L but as expected, nothing has really changed. My fertility has been on a fairly rapid decline and there's not much we can do to change that (FSH last tested at 20). It was good to hear that my tubes are open and that my uterus appears to be in good shape but despit

Loaf me, loaf me, say that you knead me.

Food is delicious. Cold weather and fireplaces are amazing. Friends are wonderful. Loves are magic. Exercise feels awesome. Nature never ceases to be beautiful and soothing. There is so much to enjoy every day in life, yet a lot of us have a hard time staying in the moment, even when that moment is singular and something worth replaying in our minds for eternity. It’s kind of like living in a constant state of looking forward or backward, or always feeling like wherever you are there’s something that needs to be fixed. Something we’re forgetting that we should be remembering. There can be lots of reasons for why we take ourselves out of the moment, but in general I’d guess that it’s a feeling of discomfort with something deep down and ancient, a discomfort with low-self esteem, feelings of depression or anxiety that we’re trying to put logical labels on, or perhaps a fear of a discomfort we knew long ago. One of the best tools I've learned is to remind myself that all those feeling

Happy weekend you lovely peoples ☺

I've been blogging for a while now (2 years and 8 months to be exact) and it has changed me. I look at things differently, I spend my life looking for things happening around me to happen in ways that I never used to but the biggest change is my inner narrative. I cannot remember when it started, but it must have been since I started writing because I never used to do it. I don’t just mean a normal inner narrative, where you play out the day as you go along, maybe thinking how you will tell someone about it, but I mean an inner ‘written’ narrative, complete with grammar check and title. Whenever and wherever I am, no matter what is going on around me I’ll be writing a story in my head. I’ll change the things I see into a story. Not only that but I will do mental rewrites in order to shape it into something I like. When did this happen to me? It doesn't matter what it is and it never seems to go away. I’m sure I only used to do that when I was actually at the keyboard trying to

I've always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one who cries every time she leaves.

What do we legitimately need nowadays besides a roof, warmth and sustenance?  There are the things that make contact and work more possible...a computer, some kind of cable, wireless in your house. Other things that keep us "us", like our hair stuff, the right moisturizer, etc. Then there are those other things that we tell ourselves we need, or sometimes we tell ourselves we don’t need them but we tend to buy them anyway. The late night binge of whatever sort, or the online/ in store "retail therapy".  In the moment it tends to work (or at least that’s what we tell ourselves) but really it’s like a pause button that costs us more in the long run. All of those "needs" that we have are tied to an illusion. That we have an emptiness. A void of some kind, that we need to fill or temper somehow, with something outside of ourselves. I know the void feelings well and I constantly have to remind myself that it’s just an illusion...a concept that has been c

Glassblowing is a glassforming technique that involves inflating molten glass into a bubble (or parison), with the aid of a blowpipe (or blow tube). A person who blows glass is called a glassblower, glassmith, or gaffer. A lampworker manipulates glass with the use of a torch on a smaller scale, such as in producing precision laboratory glassware out of borosilicate glass. Saturday evening, despite being sick with the flu, we ventured out to our first glassblowing class in an attempt to make a Christmas ornament and hopefully one worth putting on our tree.  Now I can't quite call myself a glassblower, glasssmith or a gaffer but I did try my best and it was a great deal of fun.... How was your weekend?

It's Thanksgiving...okay, it's Thanksgiving in the US but whatevs...I have friends in the US so it's Thanksgiving for me too (even though it's Takeout Thursday and a Jr. Bacon cheeseburger is on the menu) but still. So i n honor of all things food today (and thankfulness of course) I present to you... Eighteen food facts about Janet Off Kilter... Janet Off Kilter grinds her own peppercorns. With her teeth. Janet Off Kilter brushes her teeth with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine. But still...her breath smells like apple pie. Janet Off Kilter doesn't reduce sauces. She demoralizes sauces. Janet Off Kilter's other car is the Wienermobile. Janet Off Kilter can fit three hundred and forty-two cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet...without any touching. Janet Off Kilter owns the fastest mixer in existence. When she runs it in reverse, time flows backwards.  Janet Off Kilter grows truffles in her back yard. And at harvest time, she sniffs them

Didn't know true sadness until I accidentally pressed a button on my iPhone camera and saw my face from 2 inches away.

I have no Christmas spirit. None. Zip. Zero. I’m not a huge holiday person to start with. The Christmas decorations I own are neatly contained in one box. I don’t bake cookies, I don’t do cards, I own no holiday clothing. Not even socks. But usually I have some engagement with the season. A little part of me connects with the general excitement and allure. I hear a traditional song and smile. I find a gift for someone that I think they’ll love. I eat a cookie (that someone else has baked) and relish the crumbs. This year...nothing. I know Christmas is still a month away but yeah. A variety of factors are playing in. Work is incredibly busy, which means all I have energy for when I get home is sitting. Sometimes even that gets overwhelming. Traveling to connect with family sounds incredibly tiring, regardless of the end benefits. Decorating and baking equal clean up. Christmas parties mean leaving the house and the last thing I want to do when I get home from work is go o

My life has not been easy hard times I've seen my share, through trials and tribulations, you were always standing there. You lent an ear, and gave a hand, and always seemed to understand. At times when I was torn and weak, and could not bear the stress, you always gave your all to me never any less. To you I'm always grateful for all that we have shared, for standing right beside me showing that you cared. Thank you for your kind, supportive and loving words on yesterday's post. I'm thankful for each and everyone one of you that take the time out of your day to follow my journey and offer such encouraging words. 

When you first start out trying to conceive you are filled with hope, optimism and excitement. You smile secret smiles while you dream about your future. You have visions of blissful mother and baby moments, all soft lighting and beautiful music. As the months and years go by, and as you face negative after negative, the dream soon becomes too painful to dream. Instead of soft lighting and beautiful music there is disappointment, pain and fear that the dream might never become a reality. There is no vision, there is only a big question mark. And so you go into self preservation mode. The music goes off and the lights go dark and you start wondering if it is really worth it. Perhaps that beautiful vision isn't real. Perhaps you were fooling yourself all along. Perhaps you don't really want this. Look at your life...your life isn't so bad as it is. Maybe deep down, you don't really want this. The pain of trying again and again seems too much. Perhaps you should j

Cheese fondue, Settlers of Catan (best game ever) and seeing the inside of the climbing gym this weekend is on my agenda. What are your weekend plans?

We all have cranky days, where you just wake up cranky and stay cranky all day and no matter how much positive self talk or repeating positive affirmations you do...it doesn't make an ounce of difference.  I'm having one of the those today and it's allowed me to get a few insights into how to deal with them in a positive manner, without damaging too many people along the way. Notice how you feel, be the observer and watch the emotions flow through you and how they affect you physically. This puts a little distance between 'you' and the emotions allowing some space to breathe. From this vantage point you can see how thoughts create emotions and then emotions affect the body. Avoid judging yourself. You may find that your internal monologue will start to say things like "Look at you, you got angry, you’re bad person" That merely is the ego (or little crazy me as I like to call it) making another pointless judgement. Just let the thoughts go without b

I'm never sure of the differences between a crocodile, an alligator, and a staple remover. They all look alike.

Life is not fair. It never has been, and it never will be. Some people are born with powerful advantages. Others are born with crippling disadvantages. For everyone, in different ways and at different times for each person, life is challenging. And although life is not fair, it is dynamic and responsive. Though life is not fair, and though life presents you with endless challenges, you have the opportunity to do something about those challenges. One very important thing you can do is to dream, and use the power of those dreams to triumph even in the face of all the unfairness and the challenges. But you know what? I'm finding it incredibly hard to dream let alone use the power of those dreams to triumph at the moment. I'm struggling with the news that a friend is suffering in the midst of unfathomable situation on her road to becoming a mother, her partner a father. I'm struggling with the fact that Adam and I have fought so hard in our quest to becoming parents whe

In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row, That mark our place; and in the sky The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below. We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow, Loved and were loved, and now we lie, In Flanders fields. Take up our quarrel with the foe: To you from failing hands we throw The torch; be yours to hold it high. If ye break faith with us who die We shall not sleep, though poppies grow In Flanders fields.  John McCrae I'm from a military family - My great-grandfather, my grandfather, my father, my sister and myself...we all served our country. My sister still serves as a member of the air force. I'm immensely proud and today I salute everyone that has served and serves in the armed forces.  Thank you. Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at the National War Memorial via Ottawa 365

Happy weekend my friends ☺

A lucid dream is any dream in which one, for an uninterrupted and prolonged amount of time, is aware that one is dreaming. The phenomenon had also been referred to by Greek philosopher Aristotle who had observed: "often when one is asleep, there is something in consciousness which declares that what then presents itself is but a dream". I lucid dream often and I've noticed that it tends to only happen in the two weeks following ovulation (today is 2dpo). Perhaps the surge in progesterone has something to do with it? Lucid dreaming is an odd, weird and a sometimes wonderful thing but I wonder...do others lucid dream as often as I do? I am acutely aware that I'm off kilter but are there others just as off kilter as I? Here are a few interesting facts about dreams... Every human dreams. There are tons of people who can’t remember their dreams when they wake up, but they still get them. In an average lifetime, you would have spent a total of about six years of

I'm concentrating so hard on trying not to eat a third cupcake that I literally can't do my job. via Kailley's Kitchen

I love sitting in a public place watching people go by. Guessing at what they do, who they are, what their lives are like. It can entertain me for hours. It was on one of my trips to the mall when I noticed her. She sat alone in the food court drinking her tea from a Tim Horton's paper cup. I knew it was tea because the string of the tea bag was hanging over the side of her cup. I'm guessing she was in her late 70s or early 80s. That age range came to mind because she had an uncanny resemblance to my grandmother (who passed earlier this year). Her gray hair was short with the type of curls that could only come from rollers and setting lotion. Her black coat was open revealing a white T-shirt with a floral design around the neck. Her polyester blue pants had a permanent crease in the legs and her sneakers, which I am sure she had chosen for comfort, had seen better days. She sipped her tea and stared blankly ahead. Not noticing anyone around her. Just deep in thought. It was

Dear Special K® Red Berries Cereal, How wonderful you have been to me. No no, wait. Let me rephrase. How special you have been to me, Special K. See that? Your name is also what you are. I’m not sure what the K stands for, there aren't a ton of words starting with the letter K which directly relate to cereal but either way, thank you. Thank you for being there for me when I realized I didn't really know how to cook myself dinner. Thank you for being there for me when I didn't feel like ordering dinner, which would never turn out as good as you. You’re irresistible, Special K with Berries. You’re not like your simple brother, Special K, no not at all. You’re sweeter. More understanding. Your box says a serving size is one cup, but I don’t listen to “them”. No. I go all the way. The whole box. That’s what love is. Shakespeare said it best. If music be the food of love, play on. It…it vaguely relates. It has the word food in it. Also, I love you. Forever and Always, Janet

It's been a long week and I just couldn't muster the energy for today's Funny Face Friday so I present you this cheat video. Happy weekend my lovely peoples!

What's a monster's favorite bean? Answer: A human bean. A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost. The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot. The happy photographer dashes to his studio, develops the film and…learns that the photos are underexposed and completely blank. Moral of the story : The spirit is willing, but the flash is weak. Why can't the boy ghost have babies? Answer: Because he has a Hallo-weenie. Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other,  “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.” Happy Halloween!

On the way into work this morning I dropped my doughnut on the sidewalk. You read about these things, but never think it'll happen to you. via