In The Beginning...
When you first start out trying to conceive you are filled with hope, optimism and excitement. You smile secret smiles while you dream about your future. You have visions of blissful mother and baby moments, all soft lighting and beautiful music.
As the months and years go by, and as you face negative after negative, the dream soon becomes too painful to dream. Instead of soft lighting and beautiful music there is disappointment, pain and fear that the dream might never become a reality. There is no vision, there is only a big question mark.
And so you go into self preservation mode. The music goes off and the lights go dark and you start wondering if it is really worth it. Perhaps that beautiful vision isn't real. Perhaps you were fooling yourself all along. Perhaps you don't really want this. Look at your life...your life isn't so bad as it is. Maybe deep down, you don't really want this. The pain of trying again and again seems too much. Perhaps you should just give up. You wonder whether it really is worth it?
I've asked myself that question many times. After yet another negative, after yet another early miscarriage.
I am so tired, bone weary to my soul, of all of this. I am so tired of putting myself out there, time and time again and just hitting heartache over and over again. I am even at the stage where I don’t know whether I should carry on trying. And this is me who said she would never give up. But how much more can I endure?
Right now. This hurts. A lot. My heart hurts.
As the months and years go by, and as you face negative after negative, the dream soon becomes too painful to dream. Instead of soft lighting and beautiful music there is disappointment, pain and fear that the dream might never become a reality. There is no vision, there is only a big question mark.
And so you go into self preservation mode. The music goes off and the lights go dark and you start wondering if it is really worth it. Perhaps that beautiful vision isn't real. Perhaps you were fooling yourself all along. Perhaps you don't really want this. Look at your life...your life isn't so bad as it is. Maybe deep down, you don't really want this. The pain of trying again and again seems too much. Perhaps you should just give up. You wonder whether it really is worth it?
I've asked myself that question many times. After yet another negative, after yet another early miscarriage.
I am so tired, bone weary to my soul, of all of this. I am so tired of putting myself out there, time and time again and just hitting heartache over and over again. I am even at the stage where I don’t know whether I should carry on trying. And this is me who said she would never give up. But how much more can I endure?
Right now. This hurts. A lot. My heart hurts.
Oh Janet I am so sorry. I know how hard it is and the pain sometimes hurts so deeply, but you have to hang in there my friend. Look how much you have been through already. Your time is coming.
ReplyDeleteI have been there, that point of pure desperation, that somehow feels like the lowest of lows. I've described it before as standing in tar... Like taking one more step is impossible, or at the very least, just asking to be stuck again. It's hard, it's painful, and it's 100% valid what you are feeling. No one but you knows when enough is enough, but I'm thinking about you and sending a great big hug your way!
ReplyDeleteIf you need a coffee...or wine...or shopping...or an Amelia hug, we are here for you.
ReplyDeleteIf you need a coffee...or wine...or shopping...or an Amelia hug, we are here for you.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand this. :( Living in self-preservation mode is exhausting. Love you, friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry..
ReplyDeleteI get it Janet. It's so exhausting to hope after a while when hope itself seems hopeless. I often wondered in the last year or so how much more of my life, myself, I could give over to that dream, and if I wouldn't really be happier just quitting. Even now, if something were to happen to this baby, I don't think I could or would continue.
ReplyDeleteI know that whatever happens for you, you'll find joy because you're amazing. Right now, sending you so much love. xo
Sending you lots of love. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are hurting... I am here with you. I don't understand why some people must have such a hard, hard, long, long road at this. It is EXHAUSTING. It sucks everything out of you. None of this is ever because you didn't want it bad enough. It is just hideously unfair that you can want something so badly and work so hard for it and be left with nothing. Hang in there, friend.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry janet. My heart hurts for you. I can't even imagine still being in this fight…..I don't think I would even be functioning. I hope there is a happy end to all this. Something to make this fight and hurt worth while.
ReplyDeleteHi Janet...I'm new to blog-land...I've been creeping along in the shadows for a few months as I am just in the beginning stages of my infertility journey. I stumbled across your blog and felt compelled to comment because even though I don't know you, your words spoke to me. I can only imagine the depth of your pain and I'm sorry. I also felt like commenting because you seem funny (not this post) and a little...well off kilter...and I like that. I could use a cyber-friend with humor and quirkiness while I navigate this road. I have read the tail ends of your journey so far and look forward to catching up on all of your in-between posts. Thanks for putting yourself out there and inspiring people like me. I hope all the best for you!
ReplyDeleteKinderCoaster
i love you, dear friend. i think about your strength and wisdom all the time.
ReplyDeleteyou're always in my prayers. <3