Do You Like It Hot?

Dear Sir (or Madam, but maybe wouldn't it be cool if maybe one day using “sir” it could really be anyone you are addressing, kind of like how it is on Battlestar Galactica? That is a great show. Do you watch the show sir? I recommend that you do),

I am writing you for a very important cause. A cause that I hold dear to my heart. That cause is to say Thank You. Thank you for inventing Hot Tamales. They are my most favourite of all candy, followed in no particular order by the following: 

Nibs
Nerds (anything that is that colourful and cute and edible is genius)
Pep-o-mint
Big Turk

But really Sir Inventor, I feel that you need to know that my love for Hot Tamales far surpasses my love for many other things, including the following (in no particular order): 

Yellow highlighters
Alarm clocks
Ballet flats
Kleenex (which I love a lot, especially the fun printed boxes)

This week I have purchased a pack of Hot Tamales almost daily (I say almost because my memory is poor and I think there was one day I did not buy one of these small packs, but I am not sure, therefore to preserve my credability I must include the word almost). Around 2 pm I seem to regularly develop a craving for those succulent cinnamon treats.

In the world of cinnamon treats, by the by, you win. Red Hots have nothing on Hot Tamales. Fire balls are overrated. Cinnamon Altoids are a joke. A joke!

I especially love Hot Tamales because sometimes when I am eating them they are so cinnamony they hurt and it is a strange sadistic experience. (Please note I am using sadistic in the least sexual way possible. That is to say, it is not always a pleasant experience to eat these Hot Tamales because they are so hot. But this makes the experience memorable and delicious. Thus it is sadistic. It is painful and awesome.

Sir I implore you to explain to me the idea behind your slogan “Get Fired Up!” It’s genius! I am so fired up about Hot Tamales right now. They are both fat and calorie free, and certainly, as your packaging informs me, a cinnamon-charged candy.

Sir, beyond giving thanks I would also like to offer my services. I would like to put this on the table: I would be so happy to be a quality control taste taster. I do not know if there is current need for this, or if perhaps you have control over this (maybe after your invention you moved onto other candies? Say, were you the inventor of Mike and Ikes? Is your name Mike? Oooh...it is so Ike? I bet it's Ike. Mike & Ikes are okay. Similar to Hot Tamales but less tasty.

If you have need for quality control taste tasters feel free to alert me of this need. I am ready and willing at your service to taste test and control quality. I know what makes a good Hot Tamale.

Hot Tamale South of the Border by Randall Photography via Etsy