Just A Little Off Kilter....

I wish I had been born in the Victorian Age. I probably wouldn’t have loved the corsets or the lack of indoor plumbing, but I think I could get into the swooning part. I would enjoy spending a few hours, or days, on a couch in a darkened room, with lavender water in a cloth over my eyes. It might be nice to be seen as too fragile and nervous to face every day life. A Victorian Lady was allowed to take to her bed with the vapors every now and then, just from hearing bad news. That sounds good to me right about now. You see, lately I have been struggling with a real sense of melancholy. Life is feeling like a challenge. I am not depressed: that implies a longer, deeper and more profound feeling than what ails me. I am not really sad; life is full and rich and all is well in my world. I'm just……melancholy. I'm finding it harder and harder to just keep going , to just keep pushing through the demands of every day. But what’s my choice? A woman needs to just chin up and keep on

I'm pretty much a rule follower by nature. I fear consequences to my actions and therefore I make it a point to follow rules that most people find to be “optional”. Things like obeying the crosswalk lights even when there are no cars in sight, avoiding parking in a no-parking zone, only driving in the left lane on the highway to pass, and avoiding texting while driving are non-negotiable to me. And on the rare occasion I have been forced to break a couple of these rules due to peer pressure from evil influences circumstances beyond my control, I am ridden with guilt. This not only applies to society’s laws, but also rules of etiquette. I’m a stickler for doing the fair and polite thing such as limiting myself to only one piece of candy from the unsupervised bucket outside my neighbor’s home on Halloween night, returning my shopping cart to the cart return instead of parking it against another car’s bumper, filling in all blanks on a form including ones that are not applicable,

Sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, sorrow, and rage.  The days following the news that our precious embryos did not survive were hard...really hard but I was also surprised that after a day of tears (many, many tears), I picked myself up a little and did my best to be happy. We had a great weekend. We went to a movie, we had friends over for pizza & game night. It was good. I was happy.  And then the sadness hit me again. I was thinking about the grief yesterday. And this morning, and most of the rest of my waking hours, actually. I was wondering why this pervasive sadness was back again, when not even getting to transfer after a cycle isn't really as bad as having a miscarriage, no matter how early that miscarriage was. And I realized, because I'm so bright that way, that the sadness is back because this isn't any different than the grief of the miscarriage. It's all one b

Here I am, minding my own business and enjoying my lollipop, when I start to think (never a good thing) ... There’s stuff I have to do, isn’t there? Stuff that I have been avoiding because I was going through another cycle and to be honest, I was totally using that as an excuse/crutch to avoid doing things I should have been doing. And there's the stuff I should have done a long time ago. Noooooooooo! I keep hoping that if I forget about, hide from it, and don’t do any of it, it will somehow just take care of itself. This strategy rarely works. More often, the responsibilities will evolve into a Responsibility Monster with the unique capability to find me, even if I am hiding under my Protection Blanket. The Responsibility Monster isn’t able to penetrate my Protection Blanket, but he can sit on me and slowly suffocate me, until there is nothing I can do but throw off the blanket and face him and all the responsibilities he’s made of. Usually the sheer amount terrifies me, and I fin

That M&M's are named after the surnames of Forrest Mars, Sr., & Bruce Murrie of Hershey's? Did you also know that M&M's are what's considered a dragée?  What's a dragée you may be asking yourself. A dragée is a bite-sized form of confectionery which can have another purpose (e.g. decorative, symbolic. medicinal, etc.) in addition to consumption purely for enjoyment.  Did you also know that they now come in white chocolate??? My mouth watered just thinking about them and my wee little brain was a buzz with thoughts on where to buy them and how quickly I could consume a bag...and then... I found out that they are only available in the US of A.  I'm so very, very sad.  Oh wee little white chocolate M&M...how I want to eat thee.

Sometimes saying "thank you" can become an automatic response. "Have a nice day" "Thanks, you too" It’s a polite gesture which actually has some very profound meaning behind it. The word gratitude speaks to that deeper dimension. Today I feel much gratitude. Gratitude for all of the amazing comments and support that have come my way the past couple of days. It means the world to me and helps to ease the pain...and for that...I am incredibly grateful to each and every one of you! Thank you for following along in this crazy journey with me. Thank You for Being With Me Print by The Thank You Shop v ia   Etsy

Just got the call that I had been fearing but perhaps was expecting. The embryos were not there. We have nothing. Heartbroken doesn't begin to describe how I am feeling.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow we'll know for sure. Tomorrow is our embryo transfer. Don't Lose Hope art magnet by Rachel Gertrude via Etsy

I know how important it is to be positive about this frozen transfer. How I need to keep myself and my womb free from negative thoughts. I see the logic, I do...but its hard to be positive after all that we've been through. I'm trying to push the negative thoughts away but let's be honest....that's almost impossible to do. I can't help thinking about that tank and our embryos. Is the tank empty? Are they even in there? Were they left in the bottom of the shipping tank and are now gone forever? We'll know the answer to those questions in just a couple of days and while I want to know, I also don't want to know...make sense? This morning I had my ultrasound and blood work. Lining was at 9.4 mm and beautiful. E2 was 1,365 and perfect. Tonight I start the PIO...ugh...a necessary evil. I'll get the call tomorrow to confirm day/time for transfer. The nurse said Wednesday but I think Thursday (as per my protocol). We'll know tomorrow. Despite all thi

…at trying to disguise the effects that Dexamethasone, Estrogen and an upcoming Frozen Embryo Transfer have on my body. My head, heart and soul are in a really good place this cycle.  At the beginning of the cycle, I wondered, “Should I go into the cycle with really high hopes, putting all of my positive vibes out there into the Universe?  Should I go back to that place where I was?  Hoping, praying, believing?  Or, should I have NO expectations so that the possible let down won’t be as intense?  What’s better?  How should I mentally prepare myself?  Am I up for this?  What is the best approach?” The answer?  I stopped myself in my own tracks and I turned it over.  I needed to STOP over thinking it.  I needed to take my medicine and to do absolutely nothing else other than to make sure that I am enjoying and appreciating life, my friends and family...every single day.  Sure, I am staying positive, but these days what’s swimming around in my head is a lot more peaceful than the des

An Irishman goes to a carpenter. "Can you build me abox that's two inches deep, two inches wide and 50 feet long?" "Well," says the carpenter, "it could be done, I suppose, but what would you want with a box like that?" "Well'" said the Irishman, "my neighbour moved away and forgot to take a few things with him -- and he asked me to send him his garden hose." Lucky Alphabet photo by ABColumbia via Etsy Happy St. Patrick's Day to ye!

Dear Friday,  Why did you take so long to get here? Please ensure that this doesn't happen again next week. This is becoming a bad habit and it must stop. Sincerely, Janet This week has been so very, very long. Work has been crazy and I've been busy every night of the week. Plus, good ol Estrace is taking it's toll. I'm looking forward to five o'clock and a quiet evening in where I plan on doing a whole lot of nothing! To ensure that tonight stays quiet and I won't have to remove myself from the couch, I've come up with some helpful tips on avoidance.... Problem – The dishwasher is full of dirty dishes and the dishes in the sink are piling up.         You've spent an exhausting day at work dealing with all sorts of demanding clients. You get home and just want to lay on the couch so you can catch up on one of the several episodes of  Grey's Anatomy that have been on your DVR for the past few months.  Solution – Forget the dishes and veg

Have you ever had an awkward moment when you just want to hide mid conversation or run far far away and pretend you’re someone different? Well I have, too many times to count. And frankly my life is one big awkward moment. If you’re having a bad day, just remember that at least you’re not me.   Here are just a few of the "Awkward" moments I've had this week... You send an innappropriate email to your coworker, instead of your friend.  Oops! You tell a very conservative  friend of a friend who doesn't believe in cussing “I’m the funniest f’ing person you will ever meet”. I swear like a sailor...I blame it on my time in the Army. In all fairness...I should have been warned! You tell a joke, and no one laughs.  This happens a lot but I blame it on their total lack of humour and not on my lack of funny.  Someone asks your opinion concerning the topic they’ve been talking about but you weren't listening and have no clue what to say. In my defence, the meeting w

It's been brought to my attention on numerous occasions that I have the eating habits of a child and I must admit that this is pretty much, mostly a little bit true. Admittedly, I did have a paper route when I was a kid just so I could use the money to ride my bike to the store to buy candy. I love to eat Lucky Charms for dinner when Adam isn't home. I always have an hidden stash of candy...you know, in case of emergency. I can't go to a movie without hittin up the over priced concession stand while also sneaking in my own treats. I have a drawer full of candy and treats in my desk at work and when my stock runs low, I get nervous. I've lied outright to a cashier while buying large amounts of candy that they were not for me but were for all for a kids birthday party that I was hosting, but wasn't. I should be ashamed of myself...but I'm not. These are the three candies/treats that I've consumed in the past few days and for some sheets and giggles, I'd

Oh Estrogen...why you be hatin on me? I have been on Estrace for 14 loooong days and still have another nine days until transfer - assuming of course we even have embryos left but thinking about it makes me throw up in my mouth just a little and curl up in a corner in the fetal position so better to try and not think about it but let's be real here shall we...that's impossible *sigh* The side effects are getting to me. I've not been my usual self. I've been spending a lot of time alone in my head lately and trust me, it's always a dangerous place to visit unattended!  I knew fertility treatments were going to be hard. I was prepared...correction...I thought I was prepared. I was even prepared for the fact that despite my awesome preparedness it still was not enough because as hard as you know it’s going to be… you just never know truly how hard it is until you are smack dab in the midst of it all. The knowing   just isn’t enough .Yeah, it’s hard. The hardest.

I am generally a pretty tough chick, at least I think so. I have learned “tough chick” skills throughout my time in the military, like how to survive a nuclear or biological attack, weapons handling and how to effectively mount both an offence and an effective defensive position against the enemy.  My point being, there is absolutely no justifiable reason that I should sometimes be scared of the boogeyman.  And yet…still can’t watch the damn clown doll scene from Poltergeist. If you haven’t seen it, go Youtube it, seriously. Here’s the deal, clowns are scary-ass.  People should come to terms with it; everyone seems to understand this except the Shriners.  Someone should tell them.  And McDonalds, someone should write a letter.  If it  didn't  scare you, are you made of steel or something? Oh wait, maybe you didn't see it for the first time when you were six, like I did. You see, I had a friend whose parents loved horror movies and I mean...loved! I used to sleep over at

Renew - to restore or replenish. That's how I feel today. Why? Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting Ashley from Calmly Chaotic and her beautiful girls Alice and Isla. Those sweet baby girls are the result of IVF and seeing them made me once again realize that this journey, now matter how hard and difficult it has been...is worth it.  There can be joy and love and happiness.  So thank you Ashely...for renewing my spirit. It was just what I needed, just when I needed it. Renew Your Spirit by Alicia Holman Photos via Etsy

Oh dear Captcha how annoying you are. You’re a pain in the ass and I’d like to run you over with my car. All I want to do is leave a comment and you make that impossible. Trying to read those funky words makes me stabby and hostile. I have no idea what a seaction eaketar is. Just let me leave a comment and go about my biz. My dear Captcha you can suck it, you drive me insane. A ferminedo llyso? What in the hell, you’re a pain! So listen up Captcha and take my advice. Use something that resembles words or things will get ugly. 

I've been ranting for some time about infertility and life, and I figured that I should give you a wee bit of insight into who I am and the life I lead. I work in the field of print and project management. I'm quite observant and like to sit back and watch life/people passing by. I can be somewhat obsessive compulsive. I’m not lining all of my pens and pencils up using a laser, they’re not alphabetized with their labels facing up but they are in rainbow order if I’m bored. I'm also a clean freak...I need a clean and tidy house. I tend to focus on and obsess over little things, like books I happen to be reading or a new hobby…and big things, like infertility and trying to make a baby.  I bore easily when I’m not being challenged and I have a hard time interacting with people who are cruel, amoral, or useless. It deeply saddens me to see the effect that these cruel, amoral, and useless people have on the world … and it frustrates me to no end that I can do very little to co

As someone who sits around and daydreams about random things much of her life, I often wonder what other people spend their time doing. One of the things I have noticed at that people seem to be quite busy. I have stuff to do also although I often ignore that in order to do my favorite activity, which is undoubtedly wasting time, or daydreaming as it were. Obviously, since this is my blog, you can see that I spend more than my fair share of time just talking about random and odd stuff. I have a vivid imagination and there’s nothing I enjoy more than silly conversations. When I once mentioned to Adam that our family seems to have an inordinate amount of crazy conversations on ridiculous topics, he said “I like that about our family!” Truly, so do I. I have decided that every once in a while I’ll have a “random question” post. In this random question, I shall post the question and give my answer and I would love, love, love it if you would give your answer. Why? I don’t know. Sounds fun

It comes as no surprise when I tell you that the past few months of my life have been hard. Yesterday was an especially bad day. This morning I woke up determined to make myself smile and laugh.  This has helped a little... I think of all of the good friends around the world doing something silly to make a friend laugh during a difficult moment. I think about how many times people have snorted from laughter and how many times someone has laughed so hard they have peed or barfed, and how many people accidentally spit out their drink on someone while laughing, only to apologize while laughing and trying to wipe them clean. Or how many times someone has said, "Stopitstopitstopit! Don't make me laugh!" or just waved their hands in front of their face in an attempt to make the other person stop making them laugh. Or how many times someone has given them self away from laughing at a time they wished they hadn't, but just couldn't help it. I wonder for how many uniqu

Yes, I am in my 30s. Yes I still get zits. I blame it on the copious amounts of hormones that I am currently taking in preparation for our (hopefully) embryo transfer. For some reason they come in small colonies. Three or four at a time. Every time I break out, Junior High health class comes rushing back to me and I wonder: what did I eat? Too much chocolate? Pizza? Did I adequately wash my face after working out? (um, never. Cause I don't work out anymore) Thinking about Junior High reminds me of teenage acne, and then I don't feel so bad about my three or four zits. But, my hands start to itch and shake a bit. Want. To. Pick. Must. Refrain. I am then mentally rushing back to a science class I had with the awesome although very odd, Mr. White. There is my teacher, telling some horrible story about a woman who popped a zit and then died. Something about how the pressure of her "popping" burst a blood vessel that went right to her brain and killed her. All I could thin

"is it Monday yet!? Mondays are my fav" - says no one, ever. Being an adult is sometimes so bloody awful, especially so in the mornings. Maybe mornings are easier when you're Kate Middleton - or say - Kate Moss. I feel like such beautiful people get to wake up to gentle kisses, fresh daisies and a feeling of warmth which let's them know they're safe. My mornings consist of me being dunked in a vat of ugh. And being an adult, mornings and I do not go well together - kinda like hummus and chocolate. This morning I'm just not feeling...anything...work, life, baby making. Being all grown up and responsible is stupid and annoying. I liked it better when I ate play-doh and played with mud.  Is it Friday yet?

Yesterday we had a lengthy conversation with the embryologist as well as our RE at our new clinic and based on that conversation we have decided to move forward with this cycle.  The embryologist explained to us that they dye the liquid cryoprotectant  red and the embryos are then frozen onto that. When the opened the tank, there were able to locate the red stuff at the bottom of the tank. They very quickly moved it over to a new vial and dropped it into their tank. So in theory, the embryos should still be stuck to that red cryoprotectant. The good news is that the tank was -180C at the time of arrival so we know that the temperature had been properly maintained. She thinks it will work but of course, can't offer a guarantee. Yesterday was also the start of my monthly visit so I started my Estrace and Dexamethasone. I also have my protocol. I have an ultrasound and blood work on March 19th to check my lining and estradiol, if that looks good, transfer will be on March 22. 

I was working late last night and just happened to innocently wander over by the window and see my co-workers banana hanging out there all alone and victimish on his desk and I couldn’t help but think of a little trick I know of involving a toothpick and the skin of the banana. Seriously, this is awesome and could, I repeat could be used by people with good intentions. Of course we’re talking about me here and since the road to hell is paved with the very best of them there intentions… let’s first talk about what you can do, and then of course what I did. So the quick and easy, the short and nasty, the down and dirty, the low-low, fast and hard...toothpicks can be used to trace barely-visible messages into the peel of a banana that will not appear until a little while later when the peel browns in the scratched surface. Imagine the possibilities here...A good mom or wife could write “I love you” into a child’s/husband’s breakfast/lunch banana. A good Samaritan could even use this