Janet & Dale

This morning I had a really, really hard time getting out of bed. My alarm went off, I hit snooze.. It went off again, I hit snooze. This went on for over an hour and still I had to drag myself out of bed. Which bring me to this...Why don’t they make alarm clocks with a mosquito sound? I can’t think of anything guaranteed to get you out of bed swifter than that irritating, high-pitched whine.


On that note, let me tell you a story about how one clever little mosquito’s big appetite ended up costing him dearly. If I was a super-villain then this would be a most timely moment to include an evil laugh. 


For the purposes of this tale I have taken the decision to name the mosquito Dale, if only to add personality and dramatic effect when I kill him off at the end. I agree that ‘Dale’ doesn’t seem like a very ferocious name for a supremely despised, blood-sucking creature.


Below is a picture of Dale – to add additional persona to his character. Obviously the picture isn’t actually of Dale. I didn’t have time to ask him to pose for a series of candid portrait drawings before sending him on his way to mosquito heaven. With forethought I’d have perhaps considered taking ‘before’ and ‘after’ photographs to publish on billboards as a warning to other mosquitos not to mess with me. Kind-of like the ‘Don’t Drink And Drive’ campaigns. A possible slogan off the top of my head: ‘Don’t Whine And Dine!’ I think it’s got legs… which is more than can be said for Dale – one of his legs is still dangling limply from my curtain. I’m leaving it there as a trophy.

Allow me to set the scene a little. It was a warm Monday night in a land far, far away. I was tired and just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep. At first all was peaceful. And then a few minutes later it happened… a whining sound coming from behind my ear, I immediately twigged that I had a mosquito problem.

What happened next? Well I’m sure you’ve all been in this position yourselves, so I will quickly summarise the principles involved with solving a night-time mosquito situation.

1. You react impulsively by swinging your arm. Lashing out blindly, and with the co-ordination of a stoned chimp, you slap yourself around the face. If you weren’t awake 5 seconds ago, you bloody well are now!
2. You reach around for the light switch, only to hit the snooze button on your alarm clock. 
3. After wiping your eyes on your pillow case, you fumble around some more and finally locate the light switch. The room lights up, blinding you like a rabbit caught in headlights. With blurry eyes you glance around, as if expecting Dracula to be standing by your bed with a big smirk on his face and a small trickle of blood running down his chin. He’s not there. This is going to be more difficult than you thought.
4. You engage in a game of insect hide and seek. However, you’re at a disadvantage because mosquito's are masters of disguise – they are the chameleon ninjas of the insect world. You try to hunt him out, but he’s craftily transformed into a lamp, or a sock. As a result you can’t find him. Feeling wearier by the minute, you slump into a chair and wait for him to make the next move.
5. An hour passes and he hasn’t made an appearance. In a desperate attempt to resume your slumber, you stumble around the room randomly hitting and moving things, hoping for some movement. He, in the meantime, is having a good old giggle at your pathetic attempt to find him. It’s a complete mismatch in size terms, but the little bugger is beating you.
6. After a further hour of searching, and having enlisted the help of binoculars, you spot him clinging to a picture frame by the far wall. Grabbing something substantial (the book on my dresser), you tiptoe slowly towards him. As you reach striking range you take a big swing and… bang!!!! The picture frame falls to the floor. Sadly for you, the mosquito isn’t under it – he flew off a millisecond before the books ample spine had a chance to make contact with his tiny head. You’re now faced with a new challenge – focussing your eyes on where he goes next. You go cross-eyed as he does three circuits of the lampshade before heading towards the dark chair by the door and then… he’s vanished again.
7. You repeat steps 4, 5 and 6 endlessly until you collapse onto the floor with exhaustion. Beaten.

I didn't get Dale that night. But...

He re-appeared the next evening. I can only think that he got a bad case of the munchies because he attacked me when the light was on. I saw his approach from a mile off, moving off the bed and goading him with a confident demeanour of someone who knew the game had changed in her favour. I waited for Dale to land on the curtain next to me and then, as he settled, I was all over him! Revenge was mine… MUHAHAHAAAAAA!!! 

My point of this story....the sound of a buzzing mosquito will surely get anyone out of bed no matter how tired they are!