Before...
Disclaimer - Do not read on if you do not enjoy a good old "I-feel-so-sorry-for-myself Eeyore-type sob post" and do not read on if you want to be uplifted or feel positive and optimistic about infertility or life in general. But please do read on if you feel like crap and subscribe to the belief that misery enjoys company.
Like anyone, I love a good laugh! But It dawned on me recently, that my life has had a significant LACK of laughter lately. Before I started bombarding my body with strange drugs and hormones, and experiencing constant disappointments, and losing a young and amazing family member...I was a much happier person.
I was a much happier person a week ago before my Day 3 ultrasound that showed a miserable Antral Follicle count of 4 and I was much happier before yesterday's email giving me the results of my likewise miserable Day 3 blood work.
Eighty eight - E2
Seventeen point nine one - FSH
Six point nine six - LH
You are kidding me right? 17.91! A few months ago it was 14 and a year ago it was 6.
Three - is number of times after reading said email that I had to sneak off to the bathroom and have a little cry while at work and One - is the number of times that I cried myself to sleep last night. Four - is the number of times that I woke up in the middle of the night to cry a little more.
I am not in a good place.
But...
In an attempt to prevent my spiralling mind from circling into the depths of insanity, I will try to conjure up the rational part of my brain that has been temporarily rendered inactive and remember that I am a fortunate woman who has been blessed with a wonderful life and who has many things to be thankful for.
But I'm worried...
I'm worried that the me that existed before my first IVF is pretty much non-existent now and I have no idea how to get her back. I fear she's gone forever.
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| Irish Worry Stone by Selkie Crochet via Etsy |
I think you are right, I miss the me I used to be too. I also think that when you come out the other side of all this, and you will come out the other side on one path or another, that you will rediscover parts of yourself that used to be and that will feel fabulous. There will also be some bits that are gone forever and it is ok to mourn for them, but they will be replaced by new wonderful bits that come from where you have been and the struggles and pain you have faced. This is a bit rambling, but I truly believe the parts of yourself you loved the most are not gone, they are just hibernating for a time.
ReplyDeleteugh, I'm thinking of you my friend and hoping that you are able to restore that person you once were before all the injections, blood draws and numbers. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI have no doubt in my mind that you WILL get through this! When I start to feel this way, I blame it on the medication rollercoaster. I just think to myself 'all those hormones are surely messing with me; this isn't my normal, happy self. But I know I'll be out of this funk in a few days once the meds have run their course.'
ReplyDeleteSo not only will you get through this, you will be stronger for it. : )
Janet -You are far more than an FSH number or an antral follicle count! While IVF and IF changes a person forever, the old vibrant you is still in there, and will return. Right now it doesn't feel like anything will improve, but you have to ride this out, see where it leads you and go from there. Think of it like a tricky bouldering puzzle, or climb you haven't quite figured out the moves for yet. It's a challenge for sure, but not an insurmountable one. I know it felt better for me to have a plan B, C and D in place just in case.
ReplyDeleteJanet,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this post so much. Going through infertility treatments is grueling both emotionally and physically and I often wondered if I would ever feel like myself again. Some things that I found helpful to relieve some of the stress were yoga and acupuncture. Have you tried either of them? You are in my thoughts.
I'm right there with you, sister. Thank you so much for writing this. From what you've written and the comments, it does seem that our true original selves are buried somewhere beneath all this b.s. that is infertility, but the question is how to resurrect her. And of course there are the ever-confusing articles, some saying that fsh can vary so greatly from one month to the next that it seems to reflect our roller coaster emotions. I just had a good cry this morning at the breakfast table. Told my husband that perhaps ivf #3 just didn't make sense. Sometimes I wish we had someone tell us what to do. This crap can be debilitating.
ReplyDeleteThank you...so very much. I'm humbled by your kind words and support. xoxo
ReplyDelete