My Truth

The best and most important gift you can give anyone this holiday and any time of year...a hurting friend, your family, your spouse, the needy, the suffering, your best friend, your mother, your co-workers, and the world around you ~ is what you have to give. Simple as that.

My truth ~ I don't feel like I have anything to give. 

Surgery was a month ago. We can start trying for baby JaAdam now. This should fill me with excitement...but it doesn't.

Why am I feeling this way? Why, when opening the ovulation kit last week did I burst into tears? 

Is it because this time last year I was on the cusp of our embryo transfer? This was the cycle where I did in fact, finally get pregnant. We were elated...Christmas was going to be amazing! 

Oh how naive I was.

Sadly, Christmas Eve brought the devastating news that I was going to miscarry. Those nine days between that Saturday morning phone call and losing the pregnancy were horrific. I was sad, hurt and angry. I did everything I could to disappear. Christmas with Adam's family was not the way it should have been. I spent the day in relative silence, curled up in bed with the blankets pulled over my head trying to block out the world. 

I missed out. 

I lost precious time with R who we then tragically lost in June. This was to be my last Christmas with her and I let it slip away. 

I'm struggling.

I want to be excited about the gift that we've been given. The possibility of what "might be". 

I want to...but I feel lost with no idea how to find my way back.


Lost by Labyrinthine Nature via Etsy

Comments

  1. ChickenpigDecember 4, 2012 at 9:49 AM

    Last Christmas sucked a big one. I hope that this coming year brings you hope and happiness.

    I can't find my way back to that happy place, either. Every day I look back at last year and think "At this time I was still pregnant, at this time I was happy." *sigh*

    Just remember that you can get pregnant, whether you feel hopeful or not. I wish you all the luck in the world.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just TDecember 4, 2012 at 1:43 PM

    Really hope that everything starts falling into place for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. KayBeeDecember 4, 2012 at 6:37 PM

    I'm in a similiar place. When you've hung out in the trenches long enough... And you know things don't work out for everyone, it's so Hard to have that same enthusiasm that you had when you started on this journey. I'm wishing peace and happiness for you. I have my fingers and toes crossed for you. Xoxo.

    ReplyDelete
  4. khariniDecember 5, 2012 at 3:06 AM

    I'm so sorry. You are not alone, it's been a while since I had a happy Christmas. It's been years and years. Hugs to you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AshleyDecember 5, 2012 at 1:50 PM

    the holidays are always tough, on one hand they remind us of what we have and on the other of what we are lacking. you have had a terribly unkind year I think it is only natural to feel this way. you know there is an end though and that things will get better, even if you can't see it, it is there and you know what you are right about giving what we have but i think you are wrong in that you have nothing to give. You are extremely supportive of many people around you (myself included) so despite how you feel, you haven't stopped giving.

    ReplyDelete

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