Life Raft

I debated on sharing this. I know that there is always someone struggling a little more than I am. Someone that doesn't have the same kind of fortune life that I have...But in life I try my best to be as honest and transparent a person as I can be and you lovely people that care enough to check in with me here are no exception. 

 In short...I'm hanging onto a life raft just keeping my head above water as the waves crash around me. I'm afraid that the next wave will rip the life raft from my grasp and I will be left all alone floating out into nothingness.  I am struggling.

 A couple of weeks ago I posted about our plans to try the "Sperm Meets Egg Plan". It was a good plan. A plan I felt hopeful about. A plan I was sure was going to work.

 It did work. 

 I did get a little pregnant. 

 I've been a little pregnant for a few days now and will be a little pregnant for a few more days. Mercifully, I do hope that it is only for a few more days and not any longer than that. If given a choice...I think I would choose to not get pregnant then to be a little pregnant. 

 Chemical pregnancies...suck!

 Was it my fault? What did I do wrong? I know I shouldn't be asking myself these things...the rational part of myself know this. The emotional part of myself however seems to have not gotten the memo. 

I feel hollow. I feel alone. I feel sad.

 I know that this will pass. 

 I know that we can try again next month. 

 I know this...but it doesn't make it hurt any less. 

 I also woke up to this...

Subconjunctival hemorrhage. Lovely eh. It will likely get worse before it gets better. I wonder if I got this from desperately trying to hang onto that life raft?

Comments

  1. AshleyJanuary 17, 2013 at 3:00 PM

    Oh shit Janet, I was hoping that I was not understanding something when I started to read this . I could say something like, well at least you got pregnant the first shot post surgery but that would be like a slap in the face. I just hope the clinic can shed some light on this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LaylarueJanuary 17, 2013 at 3:01 PM

    I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time right now. I'm praying for you. I know there is not much anyone can say to make it better right now, but just know you are in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  3. KelBelJanuary 17, 2013 at 3:07 PM

    I am so sorry. Sending you lots of hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just TJanuary 17, 2013 at 3:10 PM

    I was also hoping I was misreading your post today. I am sorry Janet :(

    ReplyDelete
  5. LunaJanuary 17, 2013 at 3:23 PM

    A huge hug from Blighty. I am so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ChickenpigJanuary 17, 2013 at 4:27 PM

    I'm so sorry. I would also rather not be pregnant at all than a little bit. The "little bit" sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  7. SeagullJanuary 17, 2013 at 5:29 PM

    oh, im sorry sorry. i agree, the little bit sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Frankie BeeJanuary 17, 2013 at 5:45 PM

    oh no! so sorry to read this - that just plain stinks, and I hate it. hope you heal quickly.

    ReplyDelete
  9. ChonJanuary 17, 2013 at 11:22 PM

    You may have a good life and pull funny faces but lady you totally deserve a baby. I'm really sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousJanuary 18, 2013 at 10:59 AM

    That sucks I am sorry x

    ReplyDelete
  11. Our Journey Through This Lovely LifeJanuary 18, 2013 at 11:51 AM

    I hate reading this, CP's are SOOO stupid! I am with you I would rather not even know! and your eye...I had the SAME thing happen a few months ago! I think it took 2 weeks to completely fade! Boo! Think about you :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Elizabeth :: Bébé SuisseJanuary 19, 2013 at 2:50 PM

    Being a little pregnant is so horribly painful - such a cruel joke for the universe to play. I'm so sorry you have to suffer through this.

    ReplyDelete
  13. JustMeJanuary 21, 2013 at 12:41 AM

    I'm late to chime in here, and I haven't experienced this, but all I can say is I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What a terrible, twisted joke that nature is playing on you, with your eye and the chemical. I am so so sorry. I wish I had some inspiring way to twist it around but, I don't Wait it out and take care of yourself, I guess. Thinking of you....

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousJanuary 21, 2013 at 11:42 AM

    Sending you my virtual hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  15. AnonymousJanuary 23, 2013 at 10:08 PM

    hey - I read this forever ago and am just now making it to a real live computer where I can comment on blogspot blogs. I am so sorry janet. I too would rather not be pregnant than a little bit pregnant - a little bit pregnant is total shit. there is no plus side whatsoever, just hope and then horrible disappointment. I am so sorry, I hope next month brings better news.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

What are you thinking about? I'd love to hear what you have to say...

Popular posts from this blog

Keeping Secrets

Image
I've been keeping a secret. I'm not even going to make you wait. I'm just going to come out and say it. I really don't like when people say, "Hey, I have news" and then ramble on for fifteen minutes about how they didn't know how to tell you, and would you like the good news or the bad news first. I mean, if you don't know how to tell me, then maybe you should have thought about it a little bit more before you brought it up, because now I'm just sitting here waiting while you find the perfect words to share news that...let's be honest...probably doesn't impact me in the slightest. And as for the good news/bad news question? What do you think? If you're really asking, I'd rather not hear the bad news at all. Because who wants to hear bad news? Unless it's just "bad" relative to the good news, but not really all that bad in its own right, well then I guess I wouldn't mind hearing it. And I might like to hear it first
Read more

Dilemma

Image
I’m having a bit of a dilemma. Which is putting it mildly. I am not sure whether to shut the factory down for good, or keep it chugging along in its pitiful, yet marginally functioning state. If things were normal, if *I* was normal (cue hysterical laughter here), then I might be happy to let things chug along as they were and see what happens. But things (my body and I) are far from normal and so I feel like I need to make a decision either way. Which really sucks and makes me feel a renewed sense of frustration, irritation and mourning for the sorry state of affairs of my reproductive bits. We recently had an appointment with our RE to discuss our options and see where we stand. It was great to touch base with Dr. L but as expected, nothing has really changed. My fertility has been on a fairly rapid decline and there's not much we can do to change that (FSH last tested at 20). It was good to hear that my tubes are open and that my uterus appears to be in good shape but despit
Read more

Start Spreading The News...

Image
My trip to New York City was completely amazing but I'm not going to lie....the re-entry to life has been difficult this past two days. After 5 days away I thought I'd return refreshed and ready to jump back onto the work/life wagon...I was wrong. Is it Friday yet? The highlights of my trip were many. But first...I had a moment. When we made it to the hotel, the emotions that had been building the entire day and week came bursting out and I cried and cried. Oh, how I cried! Uncontrollable, sloppy, snotty bawling that pretty much claimed an entire box of tissues. You see, the morning that we left my period started...a full 5 days early. I was crushed. I was sure that this was THE cycle. My emotions got the better of me but I quickly re-grouped and a little voice chimed up saying, “Go splash water on your face and get out! Go and tackle your NYC bucket list head on” And tackle we did! In short, we took in two shows on Broadway, made a visit to the 9/11 Memorial, saw the Statue of
Read more