Existing

Woke up feeling so low and empty. 
Feel like running away from everything. 
Can't cope with anything today. 
Have no energy, just want to sleep. 
Can't eat a thing.
Today...today, I'm just existing.

Perhaps it's because I had very little sleep last night.
Perhaps it's because when I opened my inbox it was flooded with pregnancy announcements and updates that made my hostile uterus clench in despair and sadness...also anger.
Perhaps it's because yesterday was warm and sunny and today was cold and windy.
Perhaps it's because my eye continues to heal thus having to endure more eyeglass wearing (seems silly I know...perhaps even sillier when I write it out)
Perhaps it's because it took me 30 minutes and 10 outfits to find something to wear to work.
Perhaps it's because after enduring a 38 day cycle and another chemical...I feel nothing but hopelessness.

But whatever it is...I hope it passes soon.



Comments

  1. KelBelJune 3, 2013 at 12:34 PM

    Sending you lots of hugs! Wish I could come up and bake a bunch of brownies for you. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just TJune 3, 2013 at 12:36 PM

    Ugh this just makes me so sad and I want to give you a big hug and tell you it will get better. Take the time you need and have these feelings. We have to go through so many different levels of hurt, anger, and craziness during this fight. You have earned every single feeling you are having. I hope you feel better soon.

    ReplyDelete
  3. JulieJune 3, 2013 at 5:37 PM

    I'm so sorry Janet.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Our Journey Through This Lovely LifeJune 4, 2013 at 9:32 AM

    Janet, my heart is breaking in pieces for you! I was praying that your lack of update on the blood drawl was a good thing, I was so sad when I read the first few lines because I knew. I just knew that you were dealt shit cards again...It's not freaking fair!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through yet another heartbreaking month. Lots of love, and big big hugs!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. JustMeJune 6, 2013 at 7:54 PM

    Wow, this post just makes me want to send you a bucket of chicken noodle soup. I hope things started looking up after you wrote it. Sending virtual hugs instead of soup....

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

What are you thinking about? I'd love to hear what you have to say...

Popular posts from this blog

Keeping Secrets

Image
I've been keeping a secret. I'm not even going to make you wait. I'm just going to come out and say it. I really don't like when people say, "Hey, I have news" and then ramble on for fifteen minutes about how they didn't know how to tell you, and would you like the good news or the bad news first. I mean, if you don't know how to tell me, then maybe you should have thought about it a little bit more before you brought it up, because now I'm just sitting here waiting while you find the perfect words to share news that...let's be honest...probably doesn't impact me in the slightest. And as for the good news/bad news question? What do you think? If you're really asking, I'd rather not hear the bad news at all. Because who wants to hear bad news? Unless it's just "bad" relative to the good news, but not really all that bad in its own right, well then I guess I wouldn't mind hearing it. And I might like to hear it first
Read more

Dilemma

Image
I’m having a bit of a dilemma. Which is putting it mildly. I am not sure whether to shut the factory down for good, or keep it chugging along in its pitiful, yet marginally functioning state. If things were normal, if *I* was normal (cue hysterical laughter here), then I might be happy to let things chug along as they were and see what happens. But things (my body and I) are far from normal and so I feel like I need to make a decision either way. Which really sucks and makes me feel a renewed sense of frustration, irritation and mourning for the sorry state of affairs of my reproductive bits. We recently had an appointment with our RE to discuss our options and see where we stand. It was great to touch base with Dr. L but as expected, nothing has really changed. My fertility has been on a fairly rapid decline and there's not much we can do to change that (FSH last tested at 20). It was good to hear that my tubes are open and that my uterus appears to be in good shape but despit
Read more

Start Spreading The News...

Image
My trip to New York City was completely amazing but I'm not going to lie....the re-entry to life has been difficult this past two days. After 5 days away I thought I'd return refreshed and ready to jump back onto the work/life wagon...I was wrong. Is it Friday yet? The highlights of my trip were many. But first...I had a moment. When we made it to the hotel, the emotions that had been building the entire day and week came bursting out and I cried and cried. Oh, how I cried! Uncontrollable, sloppy, snotty bawling that pretty much claimed an entire box of tissues. You see, the morning that we left my period started...a full 5 days early. I was crushed. I was sure that this was THE cycle. My emotions got the better of me but I quickly re-grouped and a little voice chimed up saying, “Go splash water on your face and get out! Go and tackle your NYC bucket list head on” And tackle we did! In short, we took in two shows on Broadway, made a visit to the 9/11 Memorial, saw the Statue of
Read more