La Mia Bella Vita
Today is 12 dpo and it occurred to me that I haven't updated you all in our ongoing quest for baby JaAdam in quite some time. Here's the Cliffsnotes version....
It's turns out that I do not have a clotting factor. In fact, other than my thyroid level being slightly elevated, everything else came back just fine. Honestly, it was bittersweet. I was hopeful that a clotting factor would help to explain 5 chemical pregnancies in 7 months but alas it was not to be. With this news in hand we decided last month to proceed with an endometrial biopsy and can you guess the results...it also came back just fine. At the end of the day...it all seems to boil down to AMA (advanced maternal age), high FSH and low AMH. While this isn't great news, it's also not "new" news. This is what I've suspected all along.
It's the hand that I've been dealt and while I cannot control the selection of the cards I've been dealt...I can control how I react and to be honest...I didn't "choose" to react very well this past weekend and as a result...what should have been a nice relaxing weekend was a weekend filled with me stomping around the house like a petulant child, taking my frustrations out on Adam. Not fair. Not fair at all.
I stayed up late last night wrapped in a blanket curled at the end of the couch thinking...just thinking. I sat there stewing in my own anger about once again enduring a month with no pregnancy. I was angry. I was bitter. I was feeling sorry for myself...like a spoiled little brat and I did not like it.
The floodgates opened.
As the tears fell and my self pity grew...I suddenly felt rather silly. So silly in fact that those tears soon turned to laughter, at first under my breath and then a little louder. The reality of my life hit me straight up side my pretty little head.
As I sat there, in all my tear, snot and laughter glory...I started to compare myself with the rest of the world. Not with my friends and my neighbors, but with the world I live in.
I have a beautiful home. I have shelter. I have food every day that keeps my belly full. I have clean clothes and fresh water. I stay warm in the winter. I have a job. I have my health. I have friends and family that care about me and love me fiercely. I have Adam.
I'd say, compared to the rest of the world I have a lovely, beautiful life.
It's turns out that I do not have a clotting factor. In fact, other than my thyroid level being slightly elevated, everything else came back just fine. Honestly, it was bittersweet. I was hopeful that a clotting factor would help to explain 5 chemical pregnancies in 7 months but alas it was not to be. With this news in hand we decided last month to proceed with an endometrial biopsy and can you guess the results...it also came back just fine. At the end of the day...it all seems to boil down to AMA (advanced maternal age), high FSH and low AMH. While this isn't great news, it's also not "new" news. This is what I've suspected all along.
It's the hand that I've been dealt and while I cannot control the selection of the cards I've been dealt...I can control how I react and to be honest...I didn't "choose" to react very well this past weekend and as a result...what should have been a nice relaxing weekend was a weekend filled with me stomping around the house like a petulant child, taking my frustrations out on Adam. Not fair. Not fair at all.
I stayed up late last night wrapped in a blanket curled at the end of the couch thinking...just thinking. I sat there stewing in my own anger about once again enduring a month with no pregnancy. I was angry. I was bitter. I was feeling sorry for myself...like a spoiled little brat and I did not like it.
The floodgates opened.
As the tears fell and my self pity grew...I suddenly felt rather silly. So silly in fact that those tears soon turned to laughter, at first under my breath and then a little louder. The reality of my life hit me straight up side my pretty little head.
As I sat there, in all my tear, snot and laughter glory...I started to compare myself with the rest of the world. Not with my friends and my neighbors, but with the world I live in.
I have a beautiful home. I have shelter. I have food every day that keeps my belly full. I have clean clothes and fresh water. I stay warm in the winter. I have a job. I have my health. I have friends and family that care about me and love me fiercely. I have Adam.
I'd say, compared to the rest of the world I have a lovely, beautiful life.
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| Kate Iredale |
I understand this so well. Of course we always want our test to come back saying we are healthy etc.. Except when it is test telling us why we can't get pregnant.
ReplyDeleteI am a firm believer of that golden egg. It is in there somewhere waiting.
At least you can sit back and see how blessed in life you truly are otherwise. Thinking of you and always waiting for you to get your turn :)
Much love and hugs!
Thank you for your kind words Toni. I do hope that we both find that golden egg soon. Happy, Happy, Happy Birthday!! xoxo
DeleteWhat a good reminder, a lovely life indeed!
ReplyDeleteIt is hard when things don't go the way we want them to. And I think it is OK to cry, and feel sad for a bit. Good for you on putting it into perspective - not easy to do but alas necessary as life moves forward. In the mean time you are welcome to hang out with Amelia and I as we ride the solo train through September and prep for Dec-Jun!
ReplyDeleteTake care and if you need a shoulder let me know, I am just up the road and more than happy to be a sympathetic ear!
oh, how i love this. you are beautiful. i seriously pray for you every day. and i do have strong faith that a baby is in your future. you're allowed to cry and get angry and tired. but you also see all the beauty in your life. and you're truly grateful for it. like i always say, i love the way you live. you are amazing. <3
ReplyDelete