Just A Little Off Kilter....

A new year is approaching. You know what that means. Besides remembering to write 2012, that is hard enough...there is more. Yes, more. Those famous New Year resolutions. Everyone has them. Or, maybe not. Even so, I always make them. That does not mean that I will keep them. I make them and wish. Wish that I did not have to. Still, I do. Here are just a few of my 2012 resolutions... I hereby resolve to Not stress about baby making...this one is going to be tough but I will do my best.  I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. I promise to throw out all of the left over candy canes. I can only crush up so many for cookies. Keep my opinions to myself   (yeah, right). Wear something   other than Lululemon pants to the grocery store. Stop repeating myself   again, and again, and again. Wear something   other than Lululemon pants to the grocery store...oops...there I go again! Stop procrastinating   ... (...

Do you ever have one of those days where nothing horrible has happened but everything seems to be going against you? It’s snowing...you fall on your ass as soon as you hit the porch step (ouch), your hair isn’t cooperating, you can’t find your keys, your bra is uncomfortable, your third IVF cycle fails and you are waiting to miscarry, you forgot your wallet (thank goodness for my Timmy's card), you can’t remember if you put on deodorant (I'm pretty sure I only put it on one underarm this morning), a co-worker won’t stop humming that song you hate (please make it stop), all your mail are bills and you remember that you forgot to do about 20 different things. Again, nothing like death or dismemberment but still, a considerably bad day. That is exactly how my last few days have been. It's no secret that I have an addiction to anything topped with icing. So in light of my miserable few days I am going to drown my sorrows in cupcakes! The cupcake is a remarkable thing. It i...

I was able to get a repeat beta drawn today and got the call a few hours ago that it came back at 32. One week ago it was 43. I'm now the proud owner of a chemical pregnancy. I would have rather gotten a unicorn that poops rainbows but I guess I'll have to settle for a chemical pregnancy. In light of today's news...I have a message... Dear Karma Fairy, I was  not an evil dictator  in a past life. I have evidence of this. Please stop dishing me up their punishments. I can’t handle and I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve any more of this and I’m not a terrible person. (I  might  also have evidence of this.) Ask Santa, he seemed to think that I was worthy of the nice list..he'll put in a good word for me. Please take this under consideration. Kind regards, Me There is an upswing to this...No more drugs. No more progesterone suppositories, laying waste to my unfortunate, defenseless underpants. The poor things have been though enough! No more hormone fuele...

There were tears...many, many tears...but I survived Christmas. It's been a week since my positive home pregnancy test and one week later, it's still positive and I am as confused as ever. Last Friday my beta was 41 and the Dr. told me it was likely a chemical pregnancy. Devastating news. At this point I guess I expected the HPT to show a clear negative seeing as my beta was low and should have drop off fairly quickly. In an ideal "non Christmas" month, I would have had another blood draw today to see where my levels are at but...I have to wait until January 3rd for that to happen. Do I continue to take a HPT? At this point, seeing the positive is almost worst than seeing a negative is that makes any sense at all! It's frustrating not knowing what is going on inside my body. There was a baby in there but now there isn't...or is there? And here I thought that I already had the hardest part behind me. Silly girl. While I am very sad and my Christmas did n...

I got the results of beta #2 this morning and the news isn't good... Beta was 43 on Wednesday, beta yesterday was 41. Cycle #3...chemical pregnancy. I am devastated and heartbroken. I feel like the bottom just fell out of my world.  So sorry to disappoint you all. 

I had my blood draw at 7:30 this morning for beta #2 and I'm waiting...... Update @ 3:30 pm - I am NOT going to get the results of today's beta as the clinic is now closed and my clinic in Toronto is on Christmas shut down. Likely won't hear tomorrow cause well it's December 24th and then it's Christmas so I'm lucky if I'll hear back before the 28th. This is torture! Yes...there will be tears!

My oh my...how things can change on a dime. Yesterday's high to today's low.  I'm spotting and with yesterday's low beta and a lighter line on the HPT today...I am feeling despair. *sigh* It will be what it will be and there is nothing I can do to change it but it just seems so damn unfair.  I quit Christmas.  Update... *** No more spotting*** To each and everyone one of you that have shown me such love and support...Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

Just got the call...P is for Pregnant! I am happy, scared, thrilled, anxious.... Beta at 13dp3dt is 43. Progesterone is 123 which he said was fantastic. I do know that FET embryos tend to implant a little later than in fresh cycles and perhaps that could explain the lowish beta. My Dr. assures me that the result is positive, he feels good about everything and gave his congratulations. Repeat beta will be Friday morning (please, please double)! Feeling happy & cautiously optimistic.

I had my blood drawn for my beta at 7:30 this morning and I am still waiting for the call with my results. I swear, this wait has been harder than the 2ww for sure...argh! Sending you all a warm & heartfelt Thank You for all of the lovely messages of love and support. I will update as soon as I know! *Fingers Crossed*

Beta is bright and early tomorrow morning. It's been quite a journey to get to this point. Along the way I have discovered some good and bad things about myself but what I do know is that I have tried my very best to hold onto hope and stay optimistic.  Tomorrow is going to be what tomorrow will be. Hope by Little Light Creative via Etsy

Today is 11dp3dt.  Do I think that I am pregnant? Honestly...I have no earthly idea! I've not been feeling much in the way of anything that I can attribute to be being pregnant. The only thing that I have noticed is that for the past few days I have had zero appetite..none, nada, zilch. Perfect example...I've had a chocolate bar in my purse for a week that I thought I'd have last night with a cup of tea. One bite in and I was done...so disappointing. Sweets and I always get along...always! This doesn't bode well for all of the Christmas treats that I have planned on consuming this week *gasp* Adam's Mom makes the best  gingerbread men (there has been fights over these guys) and I look forward to them every Christmas. I've put them on notice that they can run but they can't hide from me when I get there...looks like they might be safe! Throughout this whole process I have been very open to people asking questions about the process as most have no id...

I woke up fairly early this morning, snuggled in bed and got to thinking about the last few months of my life & our IVF journey. All of the ups & downs...of which there have been many. I also started to wonder if I'm the only one that  hides my underpants when I disrobe in the exam room?  Every time I take off my underpants, I consciously ask myself why I am hiding them under my clothes. Maybe I think the doctor will take one look at them and say, “Aha! This is why you aren't getting pregnant.”  Do you do what I do when disrobing? I also woke up with an overwhelming sense of defeat that I can't quite explain. I really don't think that this frozen cycle worked.  Why do I feel this way? I have no idea! The feeling is just there and I can't seem to shake it. Adam and I started to talk about what we'll do if a BFN appears. We agreed that we will make some plans for world domination!   "Gee Adam, w hat are we going to do tonight?" ...

One week until Christmas. Why is it that the Christmas spirit just hasn't found me yet? Perhaps another frozen embryo cycle, a car accident, insurance hell and work has something to do with it? I did try my very best to find it tonight while I was out shopping (FYI - shopping after 7 pm on a Saturday is a much better option than the middle of the day) but it has eluded me once again. Why? Likely the stress of my life but it's also because of people. I just don't understand why at this time of the year people have the ability to be extra rude and disrespectful to those serving them and to other customers. It's appalling really and makes me quite sad. Is it really that difficult to be kind and courteous to others? Adam always tells me that I am "too nice" but really people!  Today is also 9dp3dt. I've been having some cramping today and have been running to the bathroom frequently...it's almost feels like I have a UTI but without the burning and urge...

Nine days until Christmas and I have purchased one...yes, you heard right...one gift. Everyone that I've asked and I have asked a lot of people in the hopes that I would find someone just like me but no...they are all ready for Christmas. They even have every gift wrapped and ready and I've purchased one. I have to ask...Am I the only one that isn't ready for Christmas? I was bound and determined to brave the mall last night and get most of my shopping done. Needless to say my trip ended in failure. I did however buy a new curling iron that I needed (wanted) which brings me to this...  I don’t know who thought that plastic molding around the desired object and then crimped it shut to an inseparable oblivion all the way around was a good idea but let me just say it was an awful idea...awful! No matter if you have scissors or not, which you usually don’t…. You’re guaranteed an embarrassing injury that begs the discussion about how horrible this plastic packaging is....

7dp3dt - Just checking in to report that I feel physically fine, just tired.  Absolutely zero issues beyond fatigue and frequent urination.  No cramps, no bloating, no sore bbs, no pulling in the abdomen, no flutters, no super human smelling, or whatever.  Nada. Speaking of urination (cause who doesn't love talking about that?) never in a million years did I think I would be telling the internets about my bodily functions the way that I have these past few months. I wonder if that's why my friends look at me funny when they see me now? Are they using their inside voice screaming "Too much information Janet...too much"? What I DO have is copious amounts of discharge from the Progesterone suppositories.  Lovely, eh? I try to be diligent that the doses happen every 8 hours and they usually do, give or take 30 minutes or so.  Either way, I end up with enough chalk in my drawers to fill the desks of a whole class of Algebra students. Fun eh? Should I have talked a...

I hope your're right Mr. Fortune Cookie...I hope you're right!

Today is 5dp3dt and not much in the way of  symptoms. I was falling asleep on the couch by 9:30 last night and in bed by 10 which is generally unheard for me. I could be so damn tired because I am now getting up twice in the middle of the night to pee and I am also waking up due to some pretty wacked out dreams. Last night my good friend Helen was a time traveller from the Titanic and was drowning on land. I know...weird right? The two week wait is usually spent asking yourself things like - Am I pregnant? Is that a symptom? Was that a twinge I felt? Hmmm...was I just a little nauseous?.  T hat’s why I've devised these simple guidelines to help you figure out if you’re pregnant or just paranoid. You think you might be pregnant because you're craving ... pancakes at midnight (I really like pancakes) ~ You’re a human pancakes at 2 a.m ~ You’re an insomniac pancakes at 2 a.m., 4 a.m. & 6 a.m ~ You might have OCD human flesh ~ You’re a z...

Today our embyros are 1 week old (4dp3dt). They are hopefully  hatching  and starting to think about  implanting  in the next day or two. Maybe if I'm polite to them, they will stick around? Please, please dear sweet embryos, implant. I'll be good to you...I promise.  What I am certain about today is that I am losing me ever lovin head! I just feel...hmmm...not all there and while that isn't terribly surprising if you know me...I'm a little more "not there" than usual. Perfect example...while making our lovely GingerDead men last I caught my middle finger in one of the beaters. Just how did I mange to do that you ask? I plugged the mixer in first (mistake #1), put one beater in the wrong slot (mistake #2), somehow managed to slide my finger through the beater (mistake #3) and then tried with the other hand to hit the eject button (mistake #4). Instead of hitting eject I turned it on! Thankfully my finger is still attached...just a wee bit tender. Good th...

Finally...finally I have my tree up and my wee home is starting to feel the Christmas spirit. I'm hoping that now I can also start to enjoy the lead up to Christmas like I usually do. Oh Christmas Tree... I also somehow found the energy to bake some gingerbread men but seeing as I made them...I opted for something a little different... GingerDead Men How was your Sunday? Are you ready for Christmas?

There really is nothing as sweet as walking through your front door when you've been away for a few days...I love home! Our trip to Toronto was amazing. I feel refreshed, renewed...hopeful again. The day of our transfer was very, very quiet indeed. Adam and I spent the day curled on the couch (thanks to my amazing friend C for putting up with us for a few days) watching movies & reading and perhaps taking a nap or two. Friday was much of the same but by late afternoon I was starting to go a little stir crazy...thankfully...we headed out to meet a a few of our friends at the Christmas Festival at the Distillery District ...amazing!!! If you live in or near Toronto...you must go. The 45 foot Christmas tree was simply, wonderfully...magical. After leaving the Festival, we headed out for a late bite to eat. Not very exciting I know...but...what was exciting was discovering a true gem of a man named Paul James . I'm not usually one for live music and we...

This morning I woke up, rolled over and then remembered that yes, I was once again pregnant until proven otherwise.  Am I happy? Yes, I'm over the moon thrilled but I am also not afraid to admit that I am scared. Three transfers in less than 5 months has taken a real emotional toll on me as well as Adam and yesterday was no exception. I slept well, I was fine on the way to the clinic. Adam and I cracked our usual silly jokes and took some of our usual goofy photos. In fact, I was fine right up until they loaded the embryos into the catheter...then I had a moment. I started to cry. It was the body shaking kind of cry that came out of nowhere and caught me by surprise. Adam clutched my hand, we took a few moments... And then transferred two perfect looking embryos... They are home where they belong. A transfer wouldn't be a transfer without some silly pictures... My awesome stirrup socks from Christi Waiting can be fun Would you trust thi...

This morning at 11:48 we transferred two perfect looking embryos...8 and 14 cells. Lining was great at 14mm, all went perfectly. Beta is December 21st. Will update more later. Thank you for all of the support and lovely messages...it means the world to us. Janet xo

Is the entire WORLD pregnant? It’s the “new car” rule. Until you buy an  Hyundai , you don’t notice that there are a TON of them on the road. No sooner than you drive off the lot with yours, do you see 14 others exactly like it on your four-block drive home. Tomorrow is the big day...embryo transfer #3 and if all goes well... I'll be one of those pregnant peoples. Well technically I guess I will be one of those...at least for a couple of weeks. I've checked in with the big guy up North and while I haven't been on my best behavior, I am hoping I was good enough to get what I really want for Christmas! Tonight we make the drive to Toronto. Tomorrow morning at 10:30 am is our transfer. I'm excited, I'm anxious, I'm full of fear...but most importantly...I am full of Hope. Hope Over Fear by Red Letter Press via Etsy

Dear Sunday, I used to love you very much. I enjoyed your early morning sleep in. I enjoyed your sweet cup of morning coffee. I enjoyed your lazy brunch and crock pot dinner. I'm afraid that love has since passed. This morning you met me (well my hoo-ha actually, she's angry now but I'm sure she'll thank you later) with progesterone suppositories and my sweet round buttocks with Progesterone in oil injections. Where was the love? Our affair is over. It's only been a couple of months since my last experience with the injections, you'd think my memory and my behind would remember...right? Wrong! When it was time for this mornings first PIO, I took a deep breath, held on to the edge of the table I lean against for dear life, and tried to find my happy place and keep the muscle relaxed. What I do remember is that as long as your “nurse” keeps the needle straight and does the stick without any hesitation, there really isn't any more than a tiny prick. Now, ...

I need to send out a very big thank you to Christi at Waiting & Wishing  for my lovely lil package that was waiting for me when I got home from work.  The knee high striped socks are going to be my lucky transfer socks on Thursday! Thank you Christi...you made my crappy day a whole lot brighter and for that...I'm grateful.  Happy Friday!

It's no secret that Adam and I have been undergoing infertility treatments. I've kept the news from work but most of our family and friends know. What I'm discovering though is that friends of friends of friends now know and that's cool...I've got nothing to hide. I'm not embarrassed that we are having this struggle. If someone wants to ask about IVF and our treatments, I'm usually pretty open and honest. There have been some pretty interesting questions asked and certainly a number of opinions and comments directed my way. It's December 1st today and so in the spirit of sharing....here are just a few of the questions & comments I have been asked and have received (as well as my inside voice response)... Enjoy your last year of freedom.  Thanks for the wise advice because all these migraines, bloat, constipation, abstaining from alcohol, medications and everything else has been so fun and fancy-free. You’re just hormonal. Really? I’ll be sure...