You Might Want To Look Away

You know how sometimes those close to us (or even sometimes ourselves) will have one of those "moments" a brief emotional outburst where they spew stuff that isn’t very pretty to see. A real 'poor me' moment where they rant, rave, cry, wail about how unfair the universe is to them.

If you are a good friend you will know that the last thing they want is for you to try make them feel better, or point out all the things they should be grateful for and how silly or childish they are being. Instead you know what they need is for you to just be there for them, and perhaps utter the words they need to hear: "Yes, it is damn unfair and I am really sorry you are going through this." Whatever the 'this' might be.

So, get ready, I am about to have a ‘moment’ ……..

Start of Moment….

Here I am in the midst of my fourth embryo transfer. One moment I feel hopeful...then defeated. Happy...then sad. Grateful...then jealous.

I am jealous of all those people who decide ‘yes, lets have a baby’, have sex and bam, they are pregnant. No injections, no doctors visits, no pain, heartache, invasive procedures. Just sex, and then a baby.

I am jealous of those people who get pregnant on their first IVF. I am so very truly happy for them...I'm just jealous of them. I feel like an absolute failure in comparison. 

I am sad and mad that after all I have been through...I have to go through this again. Have I not been through enough?

And yes, I know there is cancer, poverty, war, heartache, loss, sorrow as well as a million other bad things that life can throw at you. I know I have so much to be grateful for. I know that I am incredibly blessed. I know all of that. But dammit, I want this to work. Three transfers when everything looked perfect and still my uterus remains empty. It hurts.

Life can be bloody unfair sometimes.

End of Moment.

Now that I have that our of my system...moving on!