One Spoon
I almost lost my shit this morning.
I was on my way to work & then I promptly took a left turn and headed in the opposite direction.
And then I drove. And drove. And drove.
My thoughts, my wheels, my hormones were a-spinnin'.
And I kept driving. Zoned out yet feeling like someone had me by the back of the neck, ready to drop kick me.
And there was silence. Just the hum of the road. And I sat in it for a long time. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to scream but I didn't have the energy.
So, I opened my mouth & let out a long, moan-y, "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."
Wow, it felt good.
I've been so overwhelmed. I can't keep up with anything. My inbox. My health. My infertility and upcoming 38th birthday that will thrust me further into AMA (advanced maternal age). My commitments. My friendships. My work. My bullshit. And then I feel guilty about ALL OF IT.
And then I freeze.
At least I recognize my cycle of tendencies. That much is good. It's the first step. I just have to keep reminding myself to keep going. To breathe. And to take the next step. I celebrate those steps. Sometimes I raise my hands in victory over them. Even if it's washing one spoon. Answering one email. Typing one word.
It's not like I'm unhappy though. I'm not. It's just stressful to live life on a roller coaster of emotions.
People ask me how I'm doing & I say, "crazy." There is some crazy awesome shit happening in my life & there is also some crazy heart wrenching shit going on.
It's hard but it's good...and I will gladly take brokenness & beauty over apathy any damn day.
I was on my way to work & then I promptly took a left turn and headed in the opposite direction.
And then I drove. And drove. And drove.
My thoughts, my wheels, my hormones were a-spinnin'.
And I kept driving. Zoned out yet feeling like someone had me by the back of the neck, ready to drop kick me.
And there was silence. Just the hum of the road. And I sat in it for a long time. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I wanted to scream but I didn't have the energy.
So, I opened my mouth & let out a long, moan-y, "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck."
Wow, it felt good.
I've been so overwhelmed. I can't keep up with anything. My inbox. My health. My infertility and upcoming 38th birthday that will thrust me further into AMA (advanced maternal age). My commitments. My friendships. My work. My bullshit. And then I feel guilty about ALL OF IT.
And then I freeze.
At least I recognize my cycle of tendencies. That much is good. It's the first step. I just have to keep reminding myself to keep going. To breathe. And to take the next step. I celebrate those steps. Sometimes I raise my hands in victory over them. Even if it's washing one spoon. Answering one email. Typing one word.
It's not like I'm unhappy though. I'm not. It's just stressful to live life on a roller coaster of emotions.
People ask me how I'm doing & I say, "crazy." There is some crazy awesome shit happening in my life & there is also some crazy heart wrenching shit going on.
It's hard but it's good...and I will gladly take brokenness & beauty over apathy any damn day.
I am suppose to be celebrating my 38th birthday next month. I can tell you I won't be doing back flips, but regardless, it is another step in my life.
ReplyDeleteI hope you start feeling better soon. Some days things can just pile up so quickly and make us feel so overwhelmed with life.
Sometimes crazy is a good thing. Keep your chin up friend :)
Thanks pretty lady! Your friendship helps weather the rough days ((HUGS))
DeleteThinking about you!!!
ReplyDeleteJanet-
ReplyDeleteNew to your blog but I have to say, my day is similar to yours. Sometimes I am just at a loss with what emotions I have! Keep the hope!
Wow, obviously things are hitting you hard. And for good reason. You've been through a lot this year (and in previous years?) and you deserve to have moments of "crazy." Maybe you need another vacation? Take care of yourself chica.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya lady! This roller coaster ride keeps me in a constant state of flux. I try to keep my head up but sometimes a loud scream is just what I need. Sending love
ReplyDelete