I Was Alone

Stop me from falling

Into the same sickening slumber 

That always comes 

After the sun slips away

The nightmares of the past 

Come back to haunt me 

And wont let me rest 

Till my soul is dry and bare 

It burns me to my core 

And my heart is left in shards 

When will I come out of 

The cloud of fear that hovers round me 

My mind is growing numb 

To the whole world I'm in 

And all my senses drowned 

By memories of what scares me most 

I'm feeling particularly raw, emotional and vulnerable lately and perhaps that's why I woke up from an all too real, horrible dream curled into a ball, tears on my face, fists clenched tight.

I dreamt that I was pregnant at the same time as a friend. We lived in this fabulous hotel that we shared with some of our closest climbing friends (many of whom I consider family). I was pregnant. I was happy.

We were having an event...watching climbing movies in the hotel theater, my pregnant friend and I in beds side by side, our friends fawning over us. I could feel the love, joy and excitement at welcoming two new babies to our family.

All of a sudden there was a rush...she was in labor and was going to have the baby very soon. It was then that I remembered that I hadn't felt the baby move in quite some time but no one was listening to me. I was invisible. Everyone's attention was on my friend and her baby. I panicked. I found headphones that I was using to desperately using to try and hear the baby's heartbeat. There was silence. I screamed for help. No help came. It was only after my friend had safely delivered her baby that someone took notice of me. 

It was too late. There was no heartbeat. There was no baby. What we thought was a baby was actually a cancerous tumor that had grown steadily, making me appear pregnant. The doctor told me that the baby they saw on an ultrasound at 7 weeks had stopped growing and cancer had taken over. I was distraught. The pain was raw and overwhelming. What I wanted so desperately had been violently and painfully ripped away from me.

They left me to go care for my friend and her new baby. 

I was alone.

It then shifted to me in a mall. I was walking past a store where Adam was with a couple of our family members (one of whom in real life had just announced a pregnancy). He was buying new clothes. He had to look his very best if he was to snag that fertile woman that would give him his much wanted baby. The baby that I was not able to give him...no matter how hard I tried.

I was alone.

I woke up, Adam asleep beside me. 

But I can't help to wonder "Will it ever happen for us?"