If Only I Had Super Powers...

There are times when I wish I were a superhero. I'm guessing a lot of people feel that way sometimes. I mean come on, the ability to fly, shoot lasers from your eyes or run at the speed of light would be pretty epic. What if one day you had the ability to chose one super power that you could have for the rest of your life? But unlike most, I have no delusions that it could ever work out. Not because superheroes don't exist. Instead, because I'm an idiot.

I've read the comic books, watched the shows and cartoons, and even seen the movies which were adapted from cartoons which were adapted from shows which were adapted from comic books. I've seen every super power ever dreamed up, and I've witnessed the awesome and formidable power those powers have conferred to various do-gooding dandies.

And I know just exactly how I'd accidentally muck each one up. Observe, fair citizens...

Flying - Let’s start with flying, this one would be a popular choice of many. It would be cool, but there are already other things that fly, like planes and birds. I fear that I would hit into a bird on my way to beat down some evil villain. 

Laser beams - The kind that Cyclops from X-Men has. Laser beams are pretty awesome and would definitely be useful if you would have to fight some evil villains. What if an evil villain had non-breakable metal suit? Never thought of that did you, exactly. I don’t think that would be the best choice.

Super Speed - See, here's the thing about super speed...nothing else around you is super speedy, just you. So waiting for coffee to brew, or sitting in traffic, or zipping through a bunch of PVRed commercials is just going to seem to take that much longer. I've always thought super speed was the undersized runt of the super power litter, for just that reason. In a pinch, you can whisk someone out of a burning building, or dash halfway across the world to deliver a message. But all that scurrying still takes effort, and how many shoes would you go through careening around all willy nilly like that? I ain't got money to keep buying shoes when I wear mine out from super speeding all around.

Invisibility - No chance. My record for being completely naked and staying entirely quiet is roughly seven seconds. There's no way in hey balls I could tiptoe around au naturel without arousing suspicion, bumping into someone, or making a ruckus.

Telekinesis - I'm lazy enough as it is. If I could actually control the forces of nature such that objects would come to me, it would only get worse. Forget never leaving the house...I'd never get my arse out of bed again. Within a week, I'd be stuck in the sack, four hundred pounds and growing, with the television hovering over the foot of the bed and bags of Skittles slowly emptying themselves into my mouth. 

It's likely best that I remain my average self. I guess being a superhero in my world isn't as easy as it looks.