Fear Of The Unknown

My eyes filled with tears immediately upon waking this morning.

Today is Mammogram Day and I am sick-to-my-stomach scared. This is no routine mammogram – this is my very first diagnostic mammogram; ordered by my doctor following an examination of the lump I discovered in my left breast last week. First up this morning, I'll have the mammogram and then I'll have an ultrasound. 

I hope it's nothing, I'm sure it's nothing. It has to be nothing.

The truth is, I'm very much afraid. Not of mammograms or biopsies or examinations. I’m 36 years old and I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid that my luck may have run out. Let's face it...luck hasn't exactly been on my side lately. As my sister says "If it wasn't for bad luck, Janet wouldn't have any luck at all".

I am afraid.

But I’m also strong and resilient. And I’m determined to smile my way through my fears and tears.

Strong, Beautiful, Brave by Nan Lawson via Etsy



Comments

  1. caitlinApril 24, 2012 at 10:58 AM

    I'm sorry Janet, just one more scary unknown. Hope all goes well and know that I am thinking of you. Everything bad always seems to happen in pultiples hey? I hope that when the good starts coming it really pours in too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. LizApril 24, 2012 at 11:30 AM

    Good luck, I'll be thinking of you. Sorry you've had such crappy luck lately.

    ReplyDelete
  3. LunaApril 24, 2012 at 11:35 AM

    Thinking of you today. Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  4. JenApril 24, 2012 at 12:10 PM

    Good luck today.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Do I Have to Be a D.I.N.K.?April 24, 2012 at 1:39 PM

    Thinking of you today!

    ReplyDelete
  6. khariniApril 24, 2012 at 1:55 PM

    Good luck today. It has to be nothing...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. khariniApril 24, 2012 at 1:56 PM

      Oh and I've had 3 of those. 1 was fat and the other two were fluids, they just aspirated the last two.. Hope it's something like that for you. Fingers crossed.

      Delete
  7. waiting and wishingApril 24, 2012 at 3:49 PM

    Thinking of you today!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mrs. FApril 24, 2012 at 8:01 PM

    Good luck today.

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnonymousApril 25, 2012 at 10:00 AM

    Good luck today Janet- thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. AshleyApril 25, 2012 at 2:15 PM

    Good luck today - I hope the test is already over and that you will get your results quickly and that they will not be scary whatsoever.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

What are you thinking about? I'd love to hear what you have to say...

Popular posts from this blog

Keeping Secrets

Image
I've been keeping a secret. I'm not even going to make you wait. I'm just going to come out and say it. I really don't like when people say, "Hey, I have news" and then ramble on for fifteen minutes about how they didn't know how to tell you, and would you like the good news or the bad news first. I mean, if you don't know how to tell me, then maybe you should have thought about it a little bit more before you brought it up, because now I'm just sitting here waiting while you find the perfect words to share news that...let's be honest...probably doesn't impact me in the slightest. And as for the good news/bad news question? What do you think? If you're really asking, I'd rather not hear the bad news at all. Because who wants to hear bad news? Unless it's just "bad" relative to the good news, but not really all that bad in its own right, well then I guess I wouldn't mind hearing it. And I might like to hear it first
Read more

Dilemma

Image
I’m having a bit of a dilemma. Which is putting it mildly. I am not sure whether to shut the factory down for good, or keep it chugging along in its pitiful, yet marginally functioning state. If things were normal, if *I* was normal (cue hysterical laughter here), then I might be happy to let things chug along as they were and see what happens. But things (my body and I) are far from normal and so I feel like I need to make a decision either way. Which really sucks and makes me feel a renewed sense of frustration, irritation and mourning for the sorry state of affairs of my reproductive bits. We recently had an appointment with our RE to discuss our options and see where we stand. It was great to touch base with Dr. L but as expected, nothing has really changed. My fertility has been on a fairly rapid decline and there's not much we can do to change that (FSH last tested at 20). It was good to hear that my tubes are open and that my uterus appears to be in good shape but despit
Read more

Start Spreading The News...

Image
My trip to New York City was completely amazing but I'm not going to lie....the re-entry to life has been difficult this past two days. After 5 days away I thought I'd return refreshed and ready to jump back onto the work/life wagon...I was wrong. Is it Friday yet? The highlights of my trip were many. But first...I had a moment. When we made it to the hotel, the emotions that had been building the entire day and week came bursting out and I cried and cried. Oh, how I cried! Uncontrollable, sloppy, snotty bawling that pretty much claimed an entire box of tissues. You see, the morning that we left my period started...a full 5 days early. I was crushed. I was sure that this was THE cycle. My emotions got the better of me but I quickly re-grouped and a little voice chimed up saying, “Go splash water on your face and get out! Go and tackle your NYC bucket list head on” And tackle we did! In short, we took in two shows on Broadway, made a visit to the 9/11 Memorial, saw the Statue of
Read more