Just A Little Off Kilter....

Yesterday was Day 5 ultrasound day and I encountered, for the first time, promotional stirrup covers. Are you familiar with these? Little mittens that slip over the stirrups in an exam room, little mittens advertising pharmaceutical products? I found them peculiar. Have pharmaceutical companies found these to be effective? Do women nestling themselves in for a wanding see these promotional stirrup mittens through the frame of their thighs and think “Hmm. Zoladex. I should Ask My Doctor about Zoladex - as soon as she removes her fingers from my vagina.” The results just arrived...But honestly  I am too tired to write about the appointment - I feel defeated. All you need to know if that my FSH is higher than it's ever been and my antral follicle count is lower than it's ever been and I would like very much to crawl into a hole in the wall, pulling a bottle of wine and an electric blanket in after me, and not emerging until…well, do I have to emerge at all? Couldn't I just sta

I seem to be a much calmer person lately (at least on the outside) or so people tell me. Perhaps is has something to do with the fact that I have given up all control over the JaAdam baby making and adopted the mantra "What will be, will be". I'm not going to lie...this has been extremely tough but I'm committed to maintaining a cool, calm and collected attitude. In response to this new attitude someone at work recently asked me why I look so "breezy". Breezy? Can I be breezy?” Yes, yes you can be breezy! BREEZY! Now let’s whisper it: breezy. Here is my how to guide on how to be breezy... Don’t take peoples’ opinions for fact...but be respectful. If someone says something you find ridiculous or don’t agree with, approach the situation with a calm kindness. And then in your head you can just think whatever you want. Don’t give a monkey about what other people are doing. Other peoples’ success does not hinder your own. It’s got nothing to do with you.

Snow /snō/ Noun - Atmospheric water vapor frozen into ice crystals and falling in light white flakes or lying on the ground as a white layer. Verb - (of snow) To fall: "it's snowing heavily now".

Whenever a waiter asks, "Do you want to hear about our specials?", push the menu aside and softly whisper, "I want to hear about you." Black and White Vintage Menu by Doodlelove via Etsy

Despite all of the turmoil in regards to the baby making aspects of my life...life itself marches on.  i.e. I go to work. Yesterday I went to a meeting. The attendees are all Very Important (I think) And then there's me. I'm not exactly sure who decided I should be a part of this illustrious group, but I get paid to be there, so whatever. Please don't take my ambivalence to mean I don't contribute. Because I do. I nod my head vigorously and knit my brows together, giving the appearance that I'm paying attention and giving thoughtful consideration to what's being said. But really, I'm thinking who the hell are these people that I've met no less than four times? On the way to the meeting, I ran into a fellow attendee. She is someone - whose name I actually remember - I know in only the strictest professional sense. We are polite. Cordial, even. But we are not chummy. So it makes perfect sense that the following took place. We say hello to each other. A

"It's not over till the fat lady sings" Well...she came a singin' bright and early Saturday morning marking the beginning of the end of chemical pregnancy number three. I knew this was coming, I knew the beta spelled trouble, I knew deep down in my heart...but it still caught me off guard. There was sadness and heart wrenching despair but there were no tears ....I refused to give infertility one more tear. I was feeling angry and defiant.  I'll admit though, a little corner of my heart and soul couldn't help but ask...why?  But at the same time I feel as if I need to stop asking why me and just move on.  M oving on though...in my experience...always easier said than done. I haven't and don't have an appointment to see my RE but I do have an appointment to repeat Day 3 - E2, LH and FSH along with my thyroid level and on Day 5 we'll repeat the ultrasound to check AFC. I've been taking DHEA and CoQ10 for 6 months. These two t

I vow to never let life's troubles prevent me from having a little fun on Funny Face Friday!

Infertility sucks. Yes, we also all know that. I want to talk about it but I don't want to talk about it if that makes any sense at all? Some moments over the past few weeks have been so serious, and so dark, that I literally need a giggle. I need to laugh at something or with someone to break up all the tension. Maybe I'll squeak out a fart during one of my next ultrasounds? Too much? Or perhaps I'll giggle when I recall my visit to Winner's yesterday... After yesterday's news, I left work around 1 pm and decided that some retail therapy was in order so off to Winner's I went ( they have the best funky dresses ). I found a few dresses that I wanted to try on so off to the dressing room I went. What you need to know here is that I was still wearing my winter jacket and it was still zipped up. Anyway...off I went, five items in hand and 10 minutes later...out I came with five items in hand but the difference when leaving is that I left with an unzipped jacket.

I had to wait until this morning to receive the news that I am so accustomed to hearing... I am not pregnant.  The End.

Have you ever thrown up at your fertility clinic? Well...now I can say that I did and I can also say that I was and am horribly embarrassed about it even though the techs in the lab were so sweet about it. Good thing they keep those cute little garbage cans next to each chair! Yeah...not my best moment for sure. A little back story.... Today is 13 dpo and after the fiasco of my tests and blood draw at 6 dpo...I'm ready for a little boring but it would seem that's just not how Janet's body rolls yo.  Top test is 11dpo, light line Bottom test is yesterday 12dpo, pretty good line. Also a positive on an Equate test Because I'm a sucker for punishment and I have this problem wherein I pee on things...I took another test this morning along with a digital. The digital mocked me with "Not Pregnant" and the other test mocked me with it's lighter then yesterday line. Damn!  The hopeful side of my brain, quickly shouted out that it must be lighter beca

Perhaps I'll have an update soon. Perhaps....I'm cautiously, pessimistically, optimistic.

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.”

It just occurred to me that my beta HCG was drawn 6dpo.  Isn't that too early to get a positive blood test? I know...much rambling...please bear with me!

There are a few details that I should have included yesterday but as you can imagine, yesterday was not my best day ever...my apologizes. When I took those two tests yesterday morning I was at what I think was  6dpo. I had an almost positive OPK on CD15 and a positive on CD16. I knew that this was way too early to test but once addicted, always addicted...anyway...I was gob smacked when not one but two tests came up very clearly positive.  Did I ovulate early? (even though every OPK from CD10-15 was negative). Could the tests be wrong? Were they picking up something else? (even though I'm only on my usual vitamins) I shoved them into Adam's sleeping face to make sure that he saw what I saw...he did. Two very clear positives on two different brands. Due to the nature of the surgery that I had on my tubes in November, I was advised to call the clinic as soon as I had a positive test (the risk of ectopic is higher after tubal surgery) I knew it was early but I did as instruc

This weekend I used a home pregnancy test (after swearing I wouldn't) and thought I saw a smudge of a line so this morning I took another and this came up... Surely this must be a fluke so I took another and this came up... Both looked very positive to me and both came up within a minute of testing so I did what I was instructed to do and called my clinic and went in for a beta. Beta was 0.3 Progesterone 74 Negative. Not pregnant. How a beta of 0.3 can show up so clearly on two completely different brands is beyond me.     I'm confused!

T his blog is generally for entertainment purposes only or for amusing myself (this is so so easy to do). But ever now and then I like to share some advice or tongue-in-cheek wisdom and if you get something out of that I think that’s fantastic. But to be clear...I don’t really know anything. One big thing that I do not know how to do is be successful. If I were successful then I wouldn't be the dear struggling me that I am. Back when I used to take boat loads of fertility meds, I would be seized with grand plans and things that I had to do as I was trying to drift off to sleep. Once in my half-awake/half-asleep dreamlike place, I wrote a list titled... How To Be Sucessful 1. Get a twin! Yes, I really did think this was a good idea, and no...I have no idea what it means either. 2. Get people to call other people for me, like they worked for me (???) 3. Jsfhrguifg Tdyvdf Jdfudf -  the writing got kind of difficult to read after this. Listen, I don’t recommend doing anything on this

Happy weekend!

These four songs were on the radio as I was driving into work today and this time I really paid attention to the lyrics. "What are they really singing about?" I wondered? Here are my thoughts on said lyrics... Payphone by Maroon 5 I’m at a payphone trying to call home All of my change I spent on you If you’re at a payphone, you’re either in a former decade or a meditative coma. Neither? Then you’re a junkie, in which case please stop lying. You spent all your change on heroin, not on me. Lemme See by Usher She says she wanna take her skirt off Be my guest! I decided to take my shirt off And show my chest! Nope. Not believable. If you are fully clothed, there is no way she’s just going to outright suggest “Hey, I want to take my skirt off.” Or, at the very least, I need a little more background if I'm going to get on board with this scenario. Like, did she already take off her coat? What about her shoes? Because, the way you've presented the infor

Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this? Plumbing Pipe Toilet Paper Holder by Flea Market RX via Etsy

I wanted to take the time to thank the kind girl at the mall who held the broken bathroom door stall closed for me. That was really cool of you. I hope I find you one day so I can thank you. You heard my tipsy fearful voice asking, “Uh oh, does this even lock?” and you said, “I got it” and got you did. You held that door while I peed, asking no questions or for anything in return. Then I said, “Okay I'm done” and thanked you and you left.  I didn't  even see your face.  The word "hero" is thrown around a lot but I don’t think it’s any exaggeration when I say that what you did for me last night was the greatest act of heroism that anyone has ever done anywhere. Thank you, kind stranger. May karma repay you in full.

I spent the weekend in Montreal with my sister...here is our story in pictures... Friday morning train to Montreal... Followed by giant delicious crepes in the Old Port Rue Saint-Paul in the heart of the Old Port Touring around Jacques Cartier Square and City Hall Friday evening dinner ... Saturday morning antics at the Métro This mannequin may have been inappropriately touched and undressed by my sister and I  We had dinner Saturday night at this amazing little African restaurant tucked away on a busy street... The crepe place was so good we went back on Sunday and added in a pitcher of Sangria Sunday sightseeing... Checking out of the hotel.... Sunday evening train home