Doing The Best You Can

Infertility sucks. Yes, we also all know that. I want to talk about it but I don't want to talk about it if that makes any sense at all? Some moments over the past few weeks have been so serious, and so dark, that I literally need a giggle. I need to laugh at something or with someone to break up all the tension. Maybe I'll squeak out a fart during one of my next ultrasounds? Too much? Or perhaps I'll giggle when I recall my visit to Winner's yesterday...

After yesterday's news, I left work around 1 pm and decided that some retail therapy was in order so off to Winner's I went (they have the best funky dresses). I found a few dresses that I wanted to try on so off to the dressing room I went. What you need to know here is that I was still wearing my winter jacket and it was still zipped up. Anyway...off I went, five items in hand and 10 minutes later...out I came with five items in hand but the difference when leaving is that I left with an unzipped jacket. What's the problem you say? I was wearing a dress that I bought at Winner's just a few days before that had apparently just arrived at the store the day that I bought it.  The "sweet" lady looked at me and promptly accused me of trying to steal the dress. Say what?? I went it with 5 and left with 5. I didn't even get a chance to say anything before she was on the speaker calling for backup! The cavalry arrived to interrogate me. After explaining myself, convincing them I was in fact wearing clothes when I entered their store and after a look through my small purse...they seemed to believe me and let me go on my merry way. I've been accused of some things in my life but thief hasn't been one of them. Sheesh!

But even on the tough days, I have forged ahead, because that is the only way I know how to handle this. I've tried to downplay the fact that this is really hard. I'm not in denial. I am just trying to do something productive with the bad cards I have been dealt. But, it doesn't negate the fact that sometimes my heart hurts. Sometimes my spirit is crushed. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to go on. I just want to give up. I'm human. I'm fallible. I don't have all the answers. Even when I put my thinking cap on and research until my fingers are numb and my brain hurts - I still can't figure it all out. That frustrates me to no end.

On the bright side, I am learning so much about myself. As cheesy as that sounds, I feel like I know more about myself and am more comfortable in my own skin than perhaps I have ever been. I am so thankful for that. Maybe this is the gift of my late 30's? Finally figuring out me, and not feeling bad about it. Maybe this is the gift of my infertility? Knowing my body in ways I have never known it. Nourishing my body in ways I was too lazy to previously nourish it when I was "healthy".The gift of my infertility? I'm still working on that one. I know it has already taught me so much, but I still don't consider it a gift. I'm sorry, it's not.

Life can be so funny. You really can't predict how it's all going to play out. You do the best you can. I think that's all anyone can ask. Do the best you can.