Monday, April 13, 2015

Pliers, Ropes, Chain & Pokers

Forget pliers. Forget ropes, chains, red-hot eye pokers. The greatest form of psychological torture, sure to elicit screams of mercy from any terrorist on 24, is standing in a twenty-five person line at the post office and watching as two of the three clerks...who have been moving at speeds generally reserved for slowly eroding rock formations...put "closed" signs in their windows as they sit there, averting their eyes, typing on their computers.


Friday, April 3, 2015

Six Months

Lochlan was 6 months old on March 12th...

Six month stats ~ 15lbs 8oz and 26.25"

Five Months

Lochlan was 5 months old on February 12th...

Spanx Me

Standing in the bedroom, staring at my closet and bathroom counter, pondering the vast array of products specifically designed to improve our self-esteem and increase our confidence by hiding, correcting, fixing, or even eliminating our flaws.

For virtually every un-perfect body part, there are products enthusiastically promising to shove recalcitrant 40+-yr-old bodies backwards in time, so we can look more socially appealing (read: y-o-u-n-g-e-r). With minimal research, we can find products that push up our bosoms, firm our thighs, tighten our buttocks, reduce our cellulite, even our skin tone, shrink our waistlines, de-bloat our bellies, de-puff our eyes, lengthen our lashes, thicken our hair, smooth our wrinkles, plump our lips, and change our hair color from blah to bombshell in just 30 minutes. Wow.

Make no mistake. I am a BIG fan of these products. Being a sucker for anything that promises youthful beauty without having to join a gym or give up Pop Tarts and Lucky Charms, I tend to whip out my MasterCard on the first promise and I own a dizzying variety. Some work. Some don’t. Here’s my current list of my All-Time Products worthy of commentary:

1. Spanx. Designed to firm and smooth out everything from bust to ankles. Our mothers called these “girdles.” Be warned. They only work if you buy a size you can’t get into in less than 20 minutes and you’re prepared to break a sweat. And pee before. Once up, they’re on for the night.

2. DIY Hair Streaking Kits. Never understood this one. You’re paying to put white (gray) streaks in your hair that you’ll be paying to have removed when you realize you now look like your middle-school librarian (no, not the hot one).

3. Butt Pads. Very few things leave me speechless. Intentionally attaching something to your backside, specifically designed to make it look bigger… Nope, not for me.

4. Bosom Max. Promises to “lift and enhance bust size” with an electromagnetic pulse massaging bra. Awesome. The person who buys this probably also bought the Ab Roller and the Shake Weights. I can’t drink enough wine for this one. I’ve tried.

5. Rogaine for Women. Sounds like a good idea, until I read the side effects, which include “Possible extreme weight gain.” Seriously?? So it not only makes your hair thicker, it poofs up your a**?? See number 3.

6. Lip Augmentation. Quite possibly the stupidest trend since, well…ever. Channeling Daisy Duck is likely to result in friends and family questioning your decision-making processes on virtually every other issue in your life.

7. “Cleansing” Kits. Raved about by Hollywood celebrities, these teas and tablets promise to “cleanse toxins, reduce water retention, and flatten the tummy.” Our parents called these “laxatives.” Save on shipping. They’re available at any drugstore.

So yes, while it is true that we can alter or even eliminate dang near anything the good Lord gave us, it seems that confidence is best achieved by putting as much distance as possible between how we appear and what we actually look like. Having said that, I’m not quite ready to go natural. Maybe WonderBra could come out with a “PleasantlySurprisedBra”? I’ll take one in Nude and one in Black, please.

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