Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Urban Dictionary Thinks I'm a Secretive Airline. Also? A Fictional Character.

When you find yourself in the midst of an existential crisis, it is often helpful to consult the internet.  The internet is just full of useful ways to find out who you are.


For example, I can go to Urban Dictionary and type in "Janet" and it will tell me all about myself and what exactly I mean to the world:



1.Janet106 up193 down
Term for the secretive airline owned by EG&G on the northwest side of McCarran Airport in Las Vegas. "Janet" airlines is a fleet of 737-200's that shuttle workers to and from the military instillation at Groom Lake, more commonly known as area-51. The airplanes are stationed at a guarded terminal at the airport. It is rumored that 'Janet' stands for "just another non-exsistent terminal".
Janet airlines is the basic mode of transportation for area-51 workers to travel to and from the base.
by Mr. Tibbs Jun 29, 2005 share this add a video

Confusing? Yes.  True?  Probably.  But maybe I'll look a little further for clarification...



2.Janet399 up154 down
Fictional character, who is the prettiest thing on the planet, has a body hotter than a habanero, and lips like a ripe pomegranate, and a smile so incredibly radiant you had to watch it through a peice of smoked glass.

She also owns a copy of Joe Dirt on dvd.

from Weird Al Yankovic's new song, close, but no cigar 
Then I met sweet young Janet,
prettiest thing on the planet,
had a body hotter than a habenaro,
she had lips like a ripe pomegranate.


That is informative but completely unhelpful.  I shall keep looking.


3.Janet259 up45 down
A totally amazing woman! Loves hard, plays fair. Enjoys all positive, hates negative. A big romantic and dreamer. Very down to earth with a sensual side. Easily entreated and full of pep. Likes to get things done. Loves children. Sexiest woman on earth...and loves to smile.
Janet, I wish I could be just like you.

There we go...I think I like this one best. Thank you Internet for telling me who I am.

Happy Tuesday!



Monday, August 29, 2011

Here We Go Again

Today is cycle Day 7 of Frozen Embryo Transfer #1 - hopefully our one and only FET cycle - Protocol looks a little something like this:

August 23 - Start Estrace
September 6 - Ultrasound and blood work
Sometime after the 6th - start Progesterone in oil injections & suppositories
September 12 - Embryo transfer
September 26 - Beta

Today I feel hopeful. I really do believe that good things will be coming our way and I will do my very best to think nothing but happy, hopeful and positive thoughts. Adam and I really are very lucky that we are able to try again so soon and for that I am grateful.

Think Happy Thoughts by Spring Tale Studios via Etsy


Are you "Thinking Happy Thoughts" today?


Almost As Scary As Clowns

I am not afraid to admit that I tend to be a little off my cracker, a little crooked in the brain pan...but you all seem to love me anyway. It's because of this unconditional love that I am not afraid to admit that sometimes I have very strage, very weird and just plain bizarre dreams. Take for example the dream I had last night. Here's a visual for you...




For real, this is precisely the reason I am now afraid of marshmallows. I don’t want to end up skewered and toasted above a burning house.  Stay Puft dude and the Michelin man have both scarred me for life.
And you know what? I used to love S’mores.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

People Watching


I sometimes find myself in a crowded place - in this case it was last night at the mall after my haircut sipping a lovely cup of tea from Teatopia -  tucked back into the comfort of a corner or wall where I can sit idly and watch my surroundings pass in all their different speeds. Some people at Mach 3… some at a slower more appreciative pace. All of them with an agenda of their own and entirely clueless as to how fascinating they are to me. Most of them, nearly all of them are so wrapped up in whatever they’re doing that they don’t even notice me. Those who do are greeted with a simple smile but still no insight into the inquisitive nature behind my purpose, to which of course there really isn’t one. After all…. I’m simply observing society. I wonder where these passersby are going… each of them. And what they’ll do when they get there. Who are they? What type of family did they grow up in? I know that I’ve had my own set of struggles and unique stories and if anyone ever asked me about certain things I would certainly burst out into tears, other things laughter and other things smiles. So surely, these people must all be the same in their way. They all have stories, past present and future. They have thoughts…. what must they be thinking?? Are any of them wondering about this lonely girl sitting at a table in a corner of the room by herself? Do any of them wonder what it is I am thinking?
People. People are so fascinating! So they all must have a history and of course thoughts. But perhaps the best part about people is what they DO. Their interractions with other people and what they do when they think no one is watching or when they think they are alone!! Oh boy. Thinking about this just makes me warm and fuzzy with giggles.
Moving on… Self Conversationalists. You are probably my favorite. No one appreciates the value that you bring to society. I do! You talk to yourself but try to pretend that you’re not. Some of you get a little embarrassed and shrug it off. Others of you go to GREAT LENGTHS to pretend that you weren't. You are by far the funniest. I’m going to be honest with you… most of us don’t care that you were talking to yourself so you probably don’t need to stumble all over yourself and dump out half the contents of your purse or pocket trying to find your phone trying to act like that’s what you were doing. Save yourself the additional embarrassment and just own it. We all have little moments, it’s totally OK! And the list goes on… 


People watching my friends, is the worlds best form of free entertainment! And you can do it anywhere. I used to do it in traffic jams! I’m telling you, American Idol had nothing on these people I used to be stuck in traffic with!


Nose Pickers, you’re awesome. I could write a whole blog entry just about you. In fact one day I probably will. You got a bad reputation somewhere along the way… In my opinion, as long as the finger doesn’t enter the oral vicinity… pick away - It’s liberating - It’s freeing - and after all, it cleans out your nose WAY better than that dumb Kleenex ever could. Breathing is better. Ahhhhh…. feels good. Now go smell the roses!
Yesterday I was sad...today I have decided to smile and be happy...life really is too short to not appreciate what we have right in front of us. 

Happy Tuesday!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Missing....

It seems that I have lost my "Happy"


I was pretty sure that I knew just where it was but I turned my back for just a second and when I looked back...it was gone. 


If you see my "Happy" can you please return to me? I'd really like to have it back. 




Monday, August 22, 2011

Hope Street

The difficulty of IVF, or of any fertility issue I'm discovering, is the hope and the shattered hope, the dream that it might happen this time and then it doesn't happen. How do you gather your strength to get up and try again after a failed IVF? 


Unfortunately, I now know only too well what it feels like to have your dream shattered. If you allow it to, I would imagine that a failed IVF can quickly overcome your life, this suffering can have a snowball effect, and before you know, it may feel as though you are in a dark space and can’t get escape. This however is not going to happen to me...I simply will not allow it to!


This is what I have decided...


1. Don’t relive the memories. The past belongs in the past, and it can’t be changed.

Reliving my painful memories won’t make my future better. Shut iron doors to the past, it is the history, the present is all we are guaranteed, so live it the best way you can. Try not to worry too much about the future because you have little influence over it. Move on with your head held high no matter how broken inside you might feel. Find strength in what you believe in.
2. Let go of the blame. There is nothing I could have done better to improve the situation. I did all that I could have, and to the best of my ability.
Let go and look to the future.
3. Pick myself up as soon as possible. Don’t allow self-pity to set in. Get up...make a plan of how I will move forward.
Adam and I are lucky enough to have six frozen embryos and for that I am incredibly  grateful. We've decided that we are going to try again with a FET - frozen embryo transfer - right away. In fact, today is Day 1 of that cycle. We'll have our new protocol later today, tomorrow I start Estrace and I guess we'll go from there and see what happens. Today for the first time in a couple of days...I have hope...hope for what might be...hope for the future. I think today is as good a day as any for a walk down Hope Street.
Hope Street by Heidi Adnum via Etsy


Friday, August 19, 2011

Today Is The Day

I wish I could tell you that I am feeling hopeful and happy about today...today is the day that I find out if one or both of those little embryo's decided to stick around...but...I am scared, anxious and nervous. I took two HPTs last night after work and both were a BFN. The white was glaring, staring back at me, mocking me. *sigh*


I had my blood taken at 7:30 this morning and will know for certain this afternoon. 


UPDATE


I got the news about an hour ago and this cycle was a big fat negative! Beta was less than 1.


Am I sad, yes...will we try again, yes....will I cry, yes, but just for today because the sun will come out tomorrow and all things considered...I have a very blessed life and for that I am grateful.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Yes, No...Maybe



You know those early pregnancy symptoms everyone's always going on about? The sore breasts, the pelvic fullness, the strange uterine cramping that some women claim they feel starting, like, five minutes after getting it on (or, in the case of infertility patients, seven and a half minutes after embryo transfer)?
Well, I have those. But so does everyone else who's ever been dosed with 600 mg a day of progesterone! I know what progesterone supplementation felt like but is this what being pregnant feels like?
I consult my insides a million times a day, ascribing the symptoms to anything but pregnancy. But because I'm hopeful, I still want to believe. That feeling of pelvic heaviness? I have variously decided it's embryos implanting, colon blockage, embryos implanting, a deep rumble of foreboding, embryos implanting, misplaced car keys, embryos implanting, and an early indication of a summer of punishing thunderstorms.

That cramping? Baseball-sized tumor. Implantation. Uterine perforation. Implantation. Yet another layer of plush bloody wall-to-wall ready to be shed. Im-plan-ta-tion?
The breasts — oh, the breasts. I can't be sure, but I suspect that sometime in the night, while I lay in dreamless wake-up-to-pee-three-thousand-times slumber, the Breast Fairy brought me implants, a procedure from which I have yet to recover. They're bigger, they're tender, and they hurt when they're jostled. I would rather believe I'm pregnant, though - that seems like a much better option than having been visited by some creepy Fairy while you sleep that goes around to homes all over the world delivering breasts.
Progesterone or pregnant? We'll know tomorrow.


Tomorrow by Laura Geroge via Etsy

I hope your tomorrow will be awesome!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Bubble

Today is 10dp3dt. Four more sleep till beta and yes, I totally sound like a 4 year old the week before Christmas but that's cool, I'm at one with my inner child...we're friends. I have not taken another HPT nor will I before Fridays' beta.  My inner child and I will live in this little "PUPO" bubble for another four days.


Whenever I am somewhere in the house doing anything and I hear my all-time favorite commercial come on TV, I literally have to drop everything I am doing to run in and watch it. It’s like crack. Except not whack. And I wouldn’t sell myself for it. Probably. Well maybe I would if the TV simultaneously popped out "Crazy Core Skittles" at me because THOSE are actually almost the same as crack.


For real thouh y’all, I don’t know who Geico pays for their PR and Marketing but they are certainly getting their money’s worth because my favorite commercial belongs to them and I come running to watch every.single.time they air. Every time.


Thanks Sarge. You always make me laugh. Fear not little Piggy...I haven't forgotten you...


Laughter really is the best medicine.



Sunday, August 14, 2011

Sunday Blues

Today is 9dp3dt. I know that I shouldn't have but - I POAS this morning at 6 am - BFN....stark white. *sigh*

I am feeling discouraged. I was so hoping to see a faint line but nothing, nada. Perhaps my emotions are a result of not enough sleep, the stress of the last few days, the meds or more likely a combination of all three. I can help but question if the beta of 4 on Friday morning was a result of left over trigger. I'm going to do my best to keep a smile on my face, relax and accept that there is noting that I can do to change things. They will be what they will be.



Hope your Sunday is a smiling kind of day.



Saturday, August 13, 2011

A Slice Of Good News

Today is 8dp3dt. I was back at the hospital this morning and it was decided that the benefit outweighed the risk and it would be best if I had a VQ scan - Ventilation/Perfusion lung scan - it was the right decision to make. That test thankfully came back clear...yeah! The shortness of breath is likely related to the OHSS and should resolve in a few days. 


My beta HCG yesterday (7dp3dt - usual beta is 12-14dp3dt) was only 4 and 5+ is considered a positive. So while I have HCG in my blood, it's one point below where it's considered positive. I did crack and POAS this afternoon and it came back negative. While sad - I was really hoping to see a faint positive - everything that I've read...tells me this is still early for sure and I can very well be pregnant. I'm pretty sure that the beta of 4 is not from my trigger shot as that was 14 days ago.


 *Sigh* 


IVF I'm discovering, is one crazy wave after another. It's goes right when I go left and vice versa. My actual Beta is not until August 19 - still 6 days away. Will I POAS before then? Undecided. What I have decided is that I am going to do my best to rest and feel better. What better way to do that than curled up with a new cream colored duvet throw and a  good book and a few movies.




Happy Saturday!

Friday, August 12, 2011

OHSS Woes

Today is 7pd3dt and what a day it's been. The past few days I have been dealing with OHSS and overall, while it hasn't been great fun it also hasn't been too bad. That however has changed and the OHSS suck factor today has been pretty high!

Last night I noticed some shortness of breath and chest pain...nothing major but definitely there. I woke up this morning and it was sill there so I called my clinic. The trouble is, our clinic is in Toronto and we are in Ottawa so it's impossible to just pop into the clinic to see my RE when something comes up. So as instructed I was off to the hospital...ugh!

Long story short for the moment as I am tired and falling asleep while writing this. I might very well have a blood clot in my lung. This could be and likely is a complication of the fertility medications and the OHSS combined. They ran a few tests today and started me on blood thinner injections. I need to meet the thrombosis team in the morning and we'll go from there. I am so very, very thankful to be sleeping in my own bed tonight. They also did a beta. I was nervous...today is only day 7 past my 3 day transfer. Turns out that I do have measurable HCG in my blood and yes the number is low but it's there. Feeling hopeful.

Sleep now. Hospital tomorrow.


Thursday, August 11, 2011

Free Time...Is It A Bad Thing?


Yesterday I had some blood work done - LH <1, Progesterone 190.8 & Estradiol 3,760 - which my RE assured me were all good! I'm now 6 dp3dt and yes...the 2ww is torture! Anywho...As I was sitting at the clinic I noticed the pain scale chart on the wall. You've probably seen some version of that chart before. You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you. Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:

0: Haha! I’m not wearing any pants!
2: Awesome! Someone just offered me a free hot dog!
4: Huh. I never knew that about giraffes.
6: I’m sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now? I’m bored.
8: The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it. This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.
10:You hurt my feelings and now I’m crying!
In my defense, I was at the clinic for about an hour and I did have a lot of free time on my hands. A girl has a right to entertain herself...don't judge!
Happy Thursday...is it August 19th yet?

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

5dp3dt & OHSS

Today is day 5 of my 2 ww wait and overall things had been rolling along just fine. I have been busy enough that time seemed to be passing quickly enough and let me tell you...when you are waiting for that Beta, time flying by is a very, very good thing!


That was.....


Until yesterday. It seems that OHSS - Ovarian hyperstimulation syndromehas come by for a visit and I am not happy about it. I am currently about 5-10lbs more than I was before the transfer and look about 4 months pregnant...such a tease and pretty sad, I might add. I spent about 30 minutes tearing through my closet last night looking for something to wear to work that would hide my huge bloated belly. You see....I've kept this from work...so I need to hide it. If asked if I was pregnant I guess I could have gone with "No, I'm just getting fat" but hiding it seemed a better way to go. 


I had an ultrasound and blood work this morning. FYI - you might want to skip this part if you are not interested in the nitty gritty of my ovaries, although interestingly enough, it has become a frequent topic of conversation, even amongst my climbing friends - I have 6-7 follies that are between 25-30 mm, some filled with blood as well. Guess that's why I am feeling so bloated. The good news is that I do not appear to have any free fluid in my abdomen. On a good note....although it's way, way too early to see anything in my uterus (I was secretly wishing we would of course) my lining looks fantastic. Gives me hope. 


Rest, Gatorade, rest, Gatorade...this is my future for the next few days. Did I mention that I hate Gatorade! 

Gatorade - Blah, yuck!
But...because I will do whatever it takes to stay healthy...I will learn to love the Haterade, I mean Gatorade!



Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Things I've Learned

1. Having the theme song from Beauty & the Beast stuck in your head...can drive you nuts! 

2. I am incapable of obtaining a close shave on my knobby knee caps.

3. Progesterone suppositories suck.

4. It's impossible to eat when you don't stop talking.

5. I might just be addicted to cable TV.

7. There are pregnant women everywhere. Have they always been there?

8. Indian food never fails me. Ever.

9. Waking up at exactly 3 am every night for the last five...sucks.

10. I always fall victim to the charms of something at the bookstore.

11. Fun Dip is always
"Fun".

12. Yes, at 36 you can still eat the candy of your childhood! 

13. Eating an entire pack of Fun Dip might start out well but will end badly.

14. You really can eat a half dozen tomatoes from the garden in one sitting.

15. I can be happy with "not" rock climbing.

16. Two weeks is a long time. 

17. A picture of your embryos is amazing & you can look at it a thousand times. 

18. I am stronger than I thought I was.

19. Love is grand.

20. Home is my very favorite.





Monday, August 8, 2011

PUPO

Today is 3dp3dt.


How does it feel to be PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise for my non IVF family & friends - To be perfectly honest...I am not too sure. Since coming home last Friday, life has been a bit of a whirlwind and with both of us returning to work today...it's been pretty busy...which is good I suppose. Busy always seems to make time go by faster doesn't it?


My biggest issue - tired...the OMG I just got out of bed and am already thinking about going back to bed. That would be great if when I get into bed I could a) fall asleep and b) stay asleep once I do. It's quite sad really. Perhaps just a reaction to the past few weeks of pent up worry, excitement, anxiety? Or perhaps from the Estrace and Progesterone? Makes no matter I suppose...just hope it stops and sleep and I become good friends once again!

I'd Rather Be Sleeping by Ashleyg via Etsy

Hope your Monday has been "restful.


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