Monday, December 31, 2012

A Quick Reflection

In my head, I'm all "whatever, it's almost New Year's Eve again." But if I'm honest with myself, 2012 was a rather intense year and I'm glad it's coming to a close.

2013...I don't know what to say to you except...good luck? 

Yes. Good luck topping what was a very hard and very rewarding year – all bundled into one messy package. I simply resolve to keep going...keep working, keep trying new things, keep meeting new people.

Off we go, my friends. Thanks for keeping me company on the journey, and cheers to a Happy New Year!


Happy New Year Print by Flourish Cafe via Etsy

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Do I Dye? Seriously...I Need Your Advice

My first adventure with hair dye happened as a twelve year old in junior in high school. My sister (who is five years older) was in high school and one of her classes was cosmetology. It seemed that I was an easy target, I mean model, to test out her skills on. Tina assured me that after she was had worked her magic (experimented with me) I would look amazing. Yeah...that didn't quite happen. What did happen was that I looked like a perpetually terrified tabby cat sporting bold orange stripes. There is photographic evidence of this but I'm not quite ready to share. Perhaps one day.

It would be two years before I was brave enough to try again. I remember that my friend Tammy and I bought two bottles and quietly tip toed upstairs to my bathroom,  giggling about how "dangerous" we were for buying dye that lasted 24 washes that was pretty much identical to the hair color we were already sporting. My parents couldn't tell...nor could any of my classmates the day after (much to my disappointment), until I pulled my hair up and showed them the one partially discolored section by my neck...but the feeling of change, as minor as it was, felt really good. After that, the sky was the limit. 

Here’s the thing...I've been "off the bottle" for a few months now. It would seem that when one is immersed in fertility treatments...lots of things fall off the rails and my hair was no exception. 

It's been long enough that my natural color of medium brown has actually taken over a majority of my scalp, and the past dye (dark brown) has faded enough to seem agreeable...except...the gray is now taking over! I find it hiding, poking staright up thus giving itself away.
While part of me wants to embrace the gray, the other part of me is cringing at the thought of a full head of gray hair. It all boils down to...I'm just not ready. That by accepting the gray, I am accepting that I am getting older...perhaps even too old to have a baby.
I’m on the fence, I’d love some advice from you – should I stick with what my DNA gave me, or should I embrace a minor upgrade or change? Have you had any misadventures with hair dye? Come on, you can admit it. We've all friends here!
Hair Colored Chalk by Sharee Boutique via Etsy 

Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Movement of Life

I've been going through a really hard time lately. This last year of my life has taken a really unexpected turn and things just aren't the same. I feel like I've lost some of my spark.

There are many times in life where you’ll be faced with extremely difficult circumstances, challenging situations, or just downright terrible luck, and it’s up to you how it that will shape the person you are. I wholeheartedly believe in the adage that it’s not what happens but how you react that defines you as an individual. So what do you do? How do you handle yourself when shit happens? I strive to hold to my standards, my ideals of the person I want to be, and sometimes that requires a certain channelling of energies. It requires me to take everything that’s bottled up in my head and let it escape somehow.

How do I escape?

Often I dance when angry or sad. That hasn't always been the specific response...generally I need a physical release of some kind for any real catharsis. Moving, exertion, basically giving my mind a chance to inhabit my body is what gets me through it. I feel my body move underneath me, feel the forces pull and tug at me...I need to exist purely in my body.

That’s how I escape anger, pain, stress, heartache, longing...I exhaust myself and inhabit my body...

And I dance with the world in the various ways I know how.

Arise Decals via Etsy

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Dream Jobs

It’s really important to aim high in life and set some realistic goals...and some not so realistic goals. When you decide what you want to do with your life and design your ultimate dream job, you must go after it as if imaginary rats are nipping at your heels. You may look a little weird but at least you are chasing your dreams!

Here is a list of ultimate dream jobs that me and my voices came up with at 3 am:

  • Wedding Planner for people who want really, really bad weddings
  • Australian Accent Coach
  • A Kardashian – the one that has trouble keeping up
  • Grammar Rodeo Clown
  • Master of the Universe
  • A Manager at a Shelter for Homeless Shopping Trolleys
  • Real-life Dramatic Re-enactment Actor
  • Bingo Caller on speed
  • Monkey Translator
  • Half-Life Coach
  • Inaccurate Weather Reporter
  • Slow Motion Crash Test Dummy

What's your ultimate dream job?


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

The high today is -2C.
The low today is when I ate an entire sleeve of Chewy Chips Ahoy before 10 am. 
They are just so damn chewy gooey.




Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Universe

Have you ever just found yourself suddenly asking the universe the ultimate burning question...How did I get here?

What I mean is, you just wake up one day, or it just randomly occurs to you...What frigginhappened? How did I get here?


This is where I am today. 

I'm in a weird place.

Today is 11DPO.

I'm sad at both the thought of not bringing a new life into this world and bringing a new life into this world. 

The world is a beautiful place but the world is also a scary place.

While it may seem overwhelming, I'm at least taking comfort in the fact that I'm pretty sure I am not the only one - I'm not the only person who often wonders...

"What – in this godforsaken world – has frigging happened?"

Stars universe woodland art photograph by LupenGrainne via Etsy


Monday, December 17, 2012

My Black Sweater

You are one of a kind.

You mask sweat lines like none of your business, you are wearable with every color*, you match my best skirt and my crummiest jeans, you are cool in the summer and warm in the winter, you have a subtle yet classic ribbed knit and best of all, you make me feel confident and pretty.

Together, we've traveled and gone grocery shopping. We've gone climbing and watched movies. Together, we've eaten too many cookies and baked bread and signed an apartment rental agreement and gotten a job and hiked slippery muddy trails and I’m pretty sure I wore you while sitting in at least six different doctor’s offices, all of which were insanely chilly.

When my brother was a wee child, he had a blanket trimmed in yellow lace. Day in and day out, my brother carried his blanky, his thumb threaded through the care tag on one corner. It followed him everywhere (at 18 he stills sleeps with blanky and he's going to kill me for telling you this) It probably also accompanied him to the bathroom, I can’t quite remember.

My point - Everybody has their own "blanky" and mine is you, my black sweater.

I realized something the other day...you’re worn out. There are pulls and nicks, not very tiny fuzzy bits all over, ‘fashionably loose’ has become ‘shapelessly baggy’ and an unidentifiable foreign object has stained itself permanently on your left sleeve.

An era has ended. Sure, it sounds melodramatic, but it’s the truth. You have been with me as I've changed from a shy young lady to a strong confident woman.

You’re going to go on the right-middle shelf of my closet, next to my Cabbage Patch twins and my little brown tea set with the cracked plate, because I don’t have the heart to toss you away.

In a few days, I’ll probably go shopping for your replacement. I’ll stand in front of the dressing room mirror and lament that black sweaters just aren't the same anymore. Maybe, if I’m feeling brave, I’ll admit that nothing is the same anymore. Being brave is hard though.

I probably won’t purchase your replacement for a while. Your arms are big arms to fill and, though I may be ready to let one era of my life end, I’m not quite ready for the next era to begin.

Thank you for everything. We've had some good times together, haven’t we? 


Yours truly,
Janet

*well, navy blue clashes, but that’s all navy’s fault.




P.S. Today is 10dpo.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Yes Ma'am, No Ma'am

How many people like to go on a diet?

Ummmm...

I'm going to go with no one...no one likes to go on a diet.

Let's be clear. I'm not a dieter. I watch my diet, but I don't slash it six ways to Sunday to achieve some sort of disillusioned goal. Diets don't even work, do they? Aren't we supposed to just improve our diet habits, not go crazy cutting out staples?

All I've ever wanted was to be semi healthy and therefore feel pretty good about myself. I watch what I eat, but there are no official "rules". I simply avoid shoving a mega-ton of crap into my face on a daily basis. (Weekly, maybe, but not daily.) I like my sweets and I eat them, but I like my veggies and I eat those too. I'm okay with my choices. I usually only feel like a loser when I haven't counteracted the crap with veggies or some type of - uh, what's that stuff called? Oh yeah. Exercise.

None of this was a problem when I was a regular climbing gym-goer. I was a big time rock climber and I loved hiking too. I watched what I ate, but it all balanced out.

Until the whole "trying for baby JaAdam, failing miserably over and over again, losing a loved one, having surgery" thing.

When all of this first hit, I couldn't eat anything, and then I ate everything in sight, and now as much as I try to be active, motivating myself is problematic. I'll get there. I'm on the right track. But in the meantime, I still eat all the same crap and I've lost all mycounteractivity.

So I'm trying something new. I downloaded a calorie counting app for my beloved iPhone. Based on my weight and my beach vacation exercise goals, it sets a daily calorie limit. I track my food intake and energy exertion and then it shows how well I'm doing.

Or in my case, just how badly I'm doing...

Thanks to this jackwagon app, I get to see that even a glass of milk (which I always loved) is a "problem." Milk. Which is good for me. Healthy milk. Milk that prevents Osteoporosis. Milk that lovely Canadian cows make for me. Milk that provides a cute moustache. Milk, that I used to like, has become the enemy.

So I need your advice, pretty peoples.

Should I...

a) keep counting the calories for a few weeks to achieve my bathing suit health goals and to become more aware of what I'm eating (knowledge is power, and all that);

or...

b) stop adding apps to my beloved iPhone that essentially just make me ornery?

What are your thoughts on the matter?


Vintage Dictionary Southern Manners Print by The Salvaged Sparrow via Etsy


P.S.   Today is 6 DPO in my first TTC cycle after surgery. Can test the same day that I found out I was pregnant a year ago.  Scared.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

*Pushes door to walk out but it doesn't open*

Stranger - "You gotta pull"

Me -"Oh thanks. My next option was to lift from the bottom"


via Ornate Signs Direct


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Pick One

Rolled or folded?

I stared blankly at the nice lady with a confused smile on my face...I was experiencing a moment of sheer perplexity. My conversation at the till in a card and gift wrap shop at the mall had been very interesting and going well until it came to a sudden and abrupt halt. I was asked a question to which I was struggling to find an answer. The question was this…

“Would you like your wrapping paper rolled or folded?”

I'm sorry, what? Can you not start me off with something a bit easier like..."if a one legged hen laid an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to eat a packet of Skittles?"

I felt unprepared for such an attack on my grey matter. After a long pause of bewilderment, and with a fleeting evil grin, I turned the question back onto her...

"Well, I really don’t know. What would you recommend?"

I could see her brain short circuit as she stood there with a blank, confused look. It appeared that no one had ever turned the question back onto her. After a moment of silence, she replied...

"Do you know what, I never can decide that myself" 

So, what should one answer? Well, let’s look at the options available in the world of gift-wrap...
  • I could choose to have the wrapping paper rolled. I could then carry it home, wielding it like a weapon, tripping people over as I walk by. I have discovered on previous occasions that there’s something special about carrying it like a baton that gives one an incredible sense of power. I suddenly transform into a superhero, ready for a robber to run out of the nearest bank so that I can whack him into giving up with my Christmasmey wrapping paper roll. I can take anyone on…oh no, it’s started to rain.
  • The alternative option is for the shopkeeper to fold the wrapping paper. That’s much more sensible, allowing me to easily fit it into my bag. However, when I go to wrap the gift, it’s going to end up with great big folds in it. Still, if I have it rolled then it’ll end up battered anyway. So, maybe it’s the best of a bad bunch.
Do you know what though? The real reason I can’t ever come with an answer to the question "would you like your wrapping paper rolled or folded?" is because I don’t care. That’s right, I don’t give a flip whether they fold the paper, roll it or make it into a giant paper hat so that I can wear it home. I mean, sod it, come up with something creative...“Would you like your wrapping paper rolled, folded or crafted into an origami swan?"

Which option would you choose?

Krismus Presentations via Etsy



Monday, December 10, 2012

Weekend Recap in Pictures

Friday night we had an annual dinner for the Alpine Club. Food was fantastic, speaker was amazing kick ass woman climber that inspired me to get my ass back to the climbing gym! 

Pretty Tree...too bad I disrespected her...
You can dress us up pretty but we will still find a way to embarrass ourselves
Sorry Tree...I simply could not resist. As always...I'm keepin it classy

Saturday evening we had friends over for wine/cheese/Reel Rock movie night. The films were outstanding but I'm still convinced that Alex Honnold is absolutely insane!

Honnold 3.0 - Reel Rock Tour 7
Sunday morning Pumpkin Banana Granola

It was a pretty good weekend indeed. How was your weekend?


Saturday, December 8, 2012

8,755.812

Eight thousand seven hundred fifty five point eight one two hours hours ago we transferred two beautiful embryos

Little did we know what was to follow...

It was heartbreaking...

But oh how far we've come in a year...

Perhaps a year from this day the outcome will be very different.

One Year by Romantica Home via Etsy



Thursday, December 6, 2012

Oh Christmas Tree

We finally did it...decorated our Christmas tree that is.

The poor thing had been standing in the corner, pretty much naked with all of her branches hanging out wearing nothing but a star on her head for over a week. It was about time we showed some respect!

This is our fifth Christmas as Janet & Adam (yes, Janet must always appear first when referring to us as a couple)  and we have yet to...

a) Agree on a real tree versus an artificial tree
b) How we would like said tree decorated
c) The perfect location for the tree

In short...we've both compromised on all three of these points and when I say "we" what I really mean is Adam seeing as this year and last years tree was artificial, decorated with my stuff and where I wanted it...but anyway...last night as I was putting the finishing touches on the tree, Adam excitedly remembered that he had some decorations in the basement in a bin. This was news to me and now I was interested.

Downstairs he ran and up came "The box"


From left to right...Lightbulb Nanny, Coca-Cola polar bear, Daffy Duck, Mr. Frog, Ms. Fish...who I LOVE...I mean those lips and wee little mailbox hedgehog.

I must admit, at first I was judgey and harsh but as we pulled them out of the boxes and placed them on the tree...it hit me...we have found the theme for the "JaAdam Tree". 

Tacky & Ridiculous

It's now our mission to find the most insane, out there and all around silly, wild, tacky and ridiculous ornaments. Next years tree is going to be awesome!


Oh Christmas Tree
What about you...what's your Christmas tree theme?

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Broccoli: "I look like a tree" 
Walnut: "I look like a brain" 
Mushroom: "I look like an umbrella" 
Banana: "Dude?!"
Change the topic.
One Banana by Dan Holm Photography via Etsy


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

My Truth

The best and most important gift you can give anyone this holiday and any time of year...a hurting friend, your family, your spouse, the needy, the suffering, your best friend, your mother, your co-workers, and the world around you ~ is what you have to give. Simple as that.

My truth ~ I don't feel like I have anything to give. 

Surgery was a month ago. We can start trying for baby JaAdam now. This should fill me with excitement...but it doesn't.

Why am I feeling this way? Why, when opening the ovulation kit last week did I burst into tears? 

Is it because this time last year I was on the cusp of our embryo transfer? This was the cycle where I did in fact, finally get pregnant. We were elated...Christmas was going to be amazing! 

Oh how naive I was.

Sadly, Christmas Eve brought the devastating news that I was going to miscarry. Those nine days between that Saturday morning phone call and losing the pregnancy were horrific. I was sad, hurt and angry. I did everything I could to disappear. Christmas with Adam's family was not the way it should have been. I spent the day in relative silence, curled up in bed with the blankets pulled over my head trying to block out the world. 

I missed out. 

I lost precious time with R who we then tragically lost in June. This was to be my last Christmas with her and I let it slip away. 

I'm struggling.

I want to be excited about the gift that we've been given. The possibility of what "might be". 

I want to...but I feel lost with no idea how to find my way back.


Lost by Labyrinthine Nature via Etsy

Monday, December 3, 2012

Weekend Recap in Pictures

This weekend we spent some time at my sister's as well as making the trek into the Big City for the annual Adam's family Christmas get together. Sadly, we've missed the past couple of years...so I'm very happy that were able to make it this year. 

As always, it was a pleasure to spend some time with family that we don't get to see often enough.


Saturday morning peppermint mocha
I love, love this family tradition! Everyone has their name attached to a ribbon that's attached to a bag of goodies in the box. On "Merry Christmas" everyone pulls their ribbon at the same time and out pops your bag of treats
I woke up Sunday morning to this...
So I crawled back into bed
My brother in law hard at work in the pouring rain...mean while...Adam & my sister were hard at work shopping online
Baron wonders "Are they shopping for my Christmas treats?"
Wet drive home...
Bubble baths and roaring fires...It feels so good to be home






How was your weekend?


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