Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Whiteboard Wednesday

Today marks the d├ębut of Whiteboard Wednesday.


Basically, Whiteboard Wednesday is when I write down something semi-idiotic that I said, heard or read in the past week. This is easier than it seems, especially the "said" part.


I overheard this while in line at Walmart (I was craving candy and McDonald's chicken nuggets...don't judge) yesterday on my lunch break. 


I kid you not!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

We're Not Worthy

Apparently we are not worthy enough of even a phone call from our old clinic to discuss our embryo shipment. I got an email. My RE didn't even have the courtesy after all we've been through to call me. Let me share shall I, on what light has been shed on things or if any responsibility has been taken.



Dear Janet,

We are very sorry to hear there was a problem in the shipping of your embryos. Based on the details of your email and phone calls, and correspondence with your new clinic, we are very perplexed how such an incident could occur. I can assure you that we took every precaution possible in the safe preparation for the shipment of your embryos. In two last years for 10 IVF Centers our lab shipping Embryos through the current methodology, this is the first time we have ever been notified that there was a problem on the receiving end.  We take such incidents very seriously.

Let me describe to you the methodology so that you have a better understanding of the protective measures that are taken.  The vial that contains the embryos is fitted into a metal cane that holds the vial snugly in place.  This cane is then inserted into a plastic sleeve (essentially a tube) that encloses the cane/vial firmly.  The sleeve is used so that in the scenario that if a vial were to ever come dislodged from the cane, it would have no place to go.  The cane/sleeve combo is then inserted into a canister (essentially the size of a coffee cup) that holds it during the shipping process  The tank is then encased in a padded shipper for transportation.  The couriers that ReproMed use know to treat the package with utmost care and warning labels are affixed to the outside to ensure the courier knows there is sensitive material included.

When we advised that the cap (loop containing the embryos) had come off the vial, had somehow left the protective sleeve that encompassed it, and lay in the bottom of the canister is extremely strange.  We have reviewed the set-up and considered all possible options how this could have happened and not come up with any explanation.  Though it is technically possible that anything can happen (during the shipping and receiving process at the corresponding lab), this is very confusing to all of us.

We truly hope that your embryos were not damaged during this shipment and we certainly acknowledge that there is great concern on your end.  Our team will continue to examine all possibilities of what might have contributed to the findings from the lab on the other end and relay any information we may find.  In the interim, please let us know if you have any additional questions. 

Best regards.

Never, has either clinic seen this occur before. Apparently we're the first. Great. Yes, let's "truly hope" that our embryos weren't damaged...thanks for nothing.

I am so, so angry. And sad.

Bringing Sexy Back

Viewer Discretion Is Advised - Family members, especially those of the mother and mother-in-law type, might want to skip this one. Consider yourself warned.

I used to want to have sex. A lot. The important word here being "used to". Ah, the good ol' days. Recently, however, it seems that watching American Idol - or watching the kettle boil - are more appealing options than getting it on. Whatever happened to that sexy, flirtatious girl? Two words - fertility treatments.

Eight months of treatment have left me with a list of things that are wholly unsexy about infertility treatments:

  • Bloating. Nothing like trying to feel attractive when you have an empty hostile uterus but look 4 months pregnant. Every guy's dream, no!
  • Public Vagina. Now, my vagina isn't as public as say, a prostitute or a smelly pirate hooker...But still. I find it a little hard to get in the mood after every-other day violations with the ultrasound wand. And I won't even get started on the gel.
  • Strange Discharge. Yeah, the massive amounts of estrogen make for some interesting bathroom discoveries. I don't know about all of you, but I'd prefer to keep those discoveries out of the bedroom.
  • Prick Marks. That sounds dirtier than what I really mean...but your once (sort of) smooth belly takes on the look of a pin cushion. Again, not traditionally sexy, but maybe you're into that? 
  • Progesterone Suppositories. Trust me, nobody wants to get down with that!
  • Sore booty. Nothing like screaming after a little bootie love slap. "OW! Dammit, don't touch that. It's sore from the shots" Pretty hot hey?
  • Ugly Skin. Ah, the joys of fertility drugs. Zits, dry skin, weird bumps, bruises, etc. I can't remember when I've ever felt uglier in my entire life. Okay, there was that time in 7th Grade when my sister dyed my hair and I had eye glasses with lenses the size of dinner plates. 

What can you add to the list? What do you find to be unsexy about infertility? and more importantly...what do you do to keep the sexy alive? I'm all ears...I need all the help I can get!




Monday, February 27, 2012

Round and Round

Do you ever feel like a mouse running on a wheel?


I do. But more like a mouse with amnesia. Or an idiot mouse. A mouse who looks up at the wheel ahead of him, fixates on one spot and says “as soon as I get there, things are going to be different,” forgetting that he’s already been there, that it’s all the damn same and no matter how promising it looks, once he gets to that spot, he’ll look around and realize not a goddamn thing has changed. New day. Same wheel. And he’s still a mouse. And this is still his wheel. Things won’t be different, not tomorrow. Or in a year. Or will it? 


Tomorrow afternoon I have a call with my doctor from the clinic in Toronto to discuss the disastrous shipment of our embryos. They have been doing an investigation on their end to see if they can shed any light on the situation. After that we have to make a decision. Do we move forward and hope for the best or do we regroup?


Decisions, decisions. What would you do?





Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Funny Thing About Insomnia

And yes, by “funny,” I mean excruciatingly irritating.

The past few nights I have been running around with Our Lady of Misery “Insomnia” and let me just say she can suck it! She comes around the second I rest my head on the pillow…and she stays. I tell her to get out. She ignores me. I get serious...try to evict her with Melatonin and aromatherapy and meditations and hot showers…and yet, she plants herself like a heinous growth at my bedside, terrorizing me. Smelly pirate hooker.

You would think that – after someone spends several days with little sleep at night and reaches the point where she can’t finish a sentence and her brain is mushy enough to be mistaken for cottage cheese – well, you would think she would easily fall asleep the instant she falls back into bed. Right?

You might think that if you’ve never experienced the joys of insomnia firsthand. If you don’t understand how it works. If you think that logic enters into it.

But the truth is that in sleep, as with many things in life, there are no guarantees. There is no “supposed to.” Should does not equal could. You take what you get and roll with it. That’s what you do. I keep looking for that surefire solution and I’ll keep a diligent lookout for it for as long as it takes. But I roll with it.

Meanwhile, I memorize a lot of interesting things while trying to dull myself to sleep. May come in useful someday.

See? Benefits.
Beautiful Sleep by Fifi du Vie via Etsy


Friday, February 24, 2012

TGIF

Hello Friday. Hello takeout Indian. Hello wine. Hello movie. Hello bubble bath.   


It's Friday - I'm in Love by Murs Blanc via Etsy


It's been a long and emotionally exhausting week...I am so happy it's Friday.



Thursday, February 23, 2012

I Just Don't Get It

I'm still reeling from yesterday's news. I don't/can't understand what happened or how it happened. How on earth did the loop containing our last precious embryos just fall out of it's cryo-vial? I just don't get it....

This is a similar type of loop and vial that our embryos were stored in. This was then placed into a holding straw that was then placed into the liquid nitrogen tank for transport. 



How it managed to "fall out" of the vial and end up in the bottom of the tank is a mystery. I've contacted the lab and doctor at our old clinic to see if there are able to shed any light on this but I suspect that we just won't have an answer. I'm not usually one for throwing a pity party but honestly, this has just about broken my spirit. 


We've yet to make a decision on what we are going to do. I just don't know....

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Bad News Bears

I just got a call from my Doctor and the news isn't good. 


Our embryos arrived from our old clinic to the new clinic but there is a problem...a big problem. When they opened the tank the loop that contains the embryos had somehow fallen out of it's protective vial and was laying in the bottom of the tank and this my friends, is bad news bears!


The only piece of good news is that the tank temperature was -180 degrees as it is supposed to be. That means that there wasn't a leak and the embryos should still be quite frozen. The bad news is because the loop was out of the vial that is supposed to protect it, there is a very real possibility that the embryos have been damaged and or destroyed. The other kicker is that the only way to tell either way is to thaw them and that only happens on the day we are supposed to transfer. I could go through with the meds and PIO injections only to discover on the day of transfer that our embryos are not viable.


We have two options - continue this frozen protocol and hope for the best...or...cancel this frozen cycle and go through another fresh cycle. 


I feel like someone has kicked me in the stomach and I can't catch my breath. These are our last two embryos. 


Emoticon Card by 4/Four Cards via Etsy

Le Sigh

You know how at the end of a horror movie, there’s often this peaceful, “whew, I’m glad that’s finally over!” scene at the end? The monster was killed, the demon exorcised, whatever—it’s sunny, the birds are chirping, everything is back to normal. BUT THEN, right when you least expect it, one last, stray zombie chomps someone’s head off before the closing credits.

That's kind of how I'm feeling right about now.

I had my Depot Lupron injection this afternoon so I guess this frozen cycle is now in full swing. On one hand...I'm happy to finally get things going. That means that we are one step closer to transfer. On the other hand...I'm scared that we are one step closer to transfer. Make sense?

I hope my future will be filled with sunny skies and chirping birds but if it's filled with stray, chomping zombies am I strong enough to get through that again? 

I guess only time will tell. 






Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Dear FedEx

Today you are picking up a VERY important shipment and it's essential that you handle this package with care. Why so important? Well...you have been entrusted with bringing our two remaining sweet JaAdam embryos to their new home in Ottawa. They are very fragile you see and must be handled with much love and care. I am trusting you...please do not disappoint me!


Warm regards,
Janet

Fragile Heart Box by Krasiva via Etsy


Sunday, February 19, 2012

If

I have decided that IF I do not get pregnant with this next cycle I am going to go sky diving this summer! 




Friday, February 17, 2012

You Might Want To Look Away

You know how sometimes those close to us (or even sometimes ourselves) will have one of those "moments" a brief emotional outburst where they spew stuff that isn’t very pretty to see. A real 'poor me' moment where they rant, rave, cry, wail about how unfair the universe is to them.

If you are a good friend you will know that the last thing they want is for you to try make them feel better, or point out all the things they should be grateful for and how silly or childish they are being. Instead you know what they need is for you to just be there for them, and perhaps utter the words they need to hear: "Yes, it is damn unfair and I am really sorry you are going through this." Whatever the 'this' might be.

So, get ready, I am about to have a ‘moment’ ……..

Start of Moment….


Here I am in the midst of my fourth embryo transfer. One moment I feel hopeful...then defeated. Happy...then sad. Grateful...then jealous.

I am jealous of all those people who decide ‘yes, lets have a baby’, have sex and bam, they are pregnant. No injections, no doctors visits, no pain, heartache, invasive procedures. Just sex, and then a baby.

I am jealous of those people who get pregnant on their first IVF. I am so very truly happy for them...I'm just jealous of them. I feel like an absolute failure in comparison. 


I am sad and mad that after all I have been through...I have to go through this again. Have I not been through enough?


And yes, I know there is cancer, poverty, war, heartache, loss, sorrow as well as a million other bad things that life can throw at you. I know I have so much to be grateful for. I know that I am incredibly blessed. I know all of that. But dammit, I want this to work. Three transfers when everything looked perfect and still my uterus remains empty. It hurts.

Life can be bloody unfair sometimes.

End of Moment.

Now that I have that our of my system...moving on!




Thursday, February 16, 2012

Send In The Clowns

Hi my name is Janet and I have Coulrophobia. I've shared this with you before. I still vividly remember the horrifying dream I had last year before we started our first IVF cycle. Tiny little clown babies....*shudder* 

Some people love clowns. They think clowns are just funny, happy-go-lucky entertainers with a penchant for wearing silly clothes and making balloon critters.

The rest of us can't sleep, because we know the truth: The clowns will eat us!

You may be asking yourself why I'm rehashing my previous clowns experiences? No, not interested...how about I tell you anyway...

We've recently started watching the new TV series "The River". Fantastic, interesting, different and very, very freaky. Case in point...

The Doll Tree

Now along with the clowns I have to fear the "Doll Tree" which is a mite better than the dreaded "Clown Tree".





Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Try, Try, Try Again

It's official....after much unhappiness and displeasure on our part and a thorough conversation with our doctor and nursing team...we have started Cycle #5. 


My oh my...what have I gotten myself into?



Zombie Love

A message for Adam...

Zombie Art Word Print by The Red Kindled Page via Etsy

Happy Valentine's Day!


Monday, February 13, 2012

According To Plan?

We had a plan. We made decisions. We had a clear vision of our upcoming cycle. Right?

Apparently things change and apparently when they do change, no one decides to tell us. As a result of these changing plans (between our RE and his nurses, minus Janet & Adam), 
I have spent the past two mornings starting my day off by peeing on a stick, and then waiting for said stick to magically light up with a smiley face as a result of my LH surge and consequential ovulation.

I pee. 

I brush my teeth.

I watch the stick flashing.

I wait.

I look again.

And then I get angry. Why am I peeing on a stick to check for ovulation for a mock cycle to prepare for a natural cycle protocol that we never agreed to? Let's backup shall we...

I got a call from the nurse on Friday to discuss my mock cycle...wait, what? "We are not doing a natural cycle" I politely say. She replies "Those are the orders I have". "Then those orders are wrong" I tell her. "Okay, I'll talk to your doctor and get back to you". 

Great. This will be sorted out and I'll get the prescription for my Depot Luron that I need to inject on the 14th (which is cycle day 16 in case you were interested. Sharing is caring and I care enough about you all to share). 

I was wrong.

I get a call Saturday morning from another nurse advising me that I needed to start using an ovulation test kit to check for my LH surge for my mock cycle. Grrrr. So this issue has not be resolved and won't be until Monday. Her advice was to pick up the kit and start to test...just in case. I didn't ask "Just in case what?" but like a good girl, I picked up the damn kit.

I haven't yet seen a smiley face and perhaps that's a good thing. I'm not really in the mood for a cute little "screw you" smiley face staring up at me. This morning, we've left messages with the nurses, doctor's receptionist and front reception (because no one there ever, ever answers the phone) and are waiting.

Print Typography Poster by Peanut Oak Print via Etsy




Friday, February 10, 2012

Friday Fairytale

As you all know, Snow White had seven dwarfs she hung out with. I guess she figured she couldn't get a man at the time, so seven dwarfs’ equaled one prince. I’m not sure. I never really got what she was doing with the dwarfs to begin with so that’s just my opinion. I mean, I know the Queen was trying to kill her and all but cleaning up after and cooking for seven guys doesn’t seem like a very good hideout plan. Trust me - I briefly lived with three male room mates in my army years. "Paint Ball In the Kitchen While Drunk" and "Let's Leave Food On the Counter For A Week" were just a few of the games often played in our home. It was NOT pretty. I'm pretty certain that Snow White never really thought her plan through.

But I digress…

According to Disney, the seven dwarfs in question were named Grumpy, Sleepy, Happy, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, and Sneezy.

In my little – trying to conceive, carry and give birth to JaAdam baby fairytale – though, I think of them as more emotions than dwarfs. So, according to me, they are named Grumpy, Sleepy, Dopey, Hopeful, Happy, Hormonal and on occasion, Sarcastic.

Depending on my cycle, my mood, my day or other possible variables, a different dwarf/emotion takes center stage. Sometimes, it’s Grumpy. Other times, it’s Hopeful. Today, it appears to be a visiting dwarf cousin who has a little drinking problem. He’s called ‘Angry’. But let's not forget the dwarf’s third cousins...

Bloaty - Someone stick a pin in me, please! I'd go for acupuncture, but I might pop like a balloon the minute a needle goes in. 
Anxious - Is anyone going to comment on this? Why isn't anyone commenting already? Maybe everyone hates me. That's it. You hate me now. What did I do? I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Yeah, anxiety bites. 
Weepy - I could cry at the drop of a hat. Do you need an Oscar award-winning emotional moment? Call me. I'm your girl. Also...Pass the Kleenex, please. 

I'm sure that there are a slew of other crazy cousins that I’ll have the pleasure of meeting someday but today…Angry and I are getting to know one another. I got a call from my one of the nurses at my new clinic and apparently there has been a major miscommunication between my Doctor, his secretary and the nurses about the type of cycle I would be on (natural, long medicated, short medicated). It's looks like I'll miss out on getting my cycle started this month and may have to wait yet another month. Feeling angry and disappointed...I guess I just met the dwarf's fourth cousin.

Life In A Fairytale Print by Sweet Pea Murals via Etsy




Thursday, February 9, 2012

Money, Money, Money

"I work all night, I work all day, to pay the bills I have to pay
 Ain't it sad. 
 And still there never seems to be a single penny left for me"

...cause I just gave it all away to my fertility clinic for embryo transfer numbero cuatro.

Now that my wallet has been considerably lightened, my options for entertaining myself must be cheap...free is even better! Jokes are free. This is my free entertainment to all of you and by entertaining you, I entertain me. Win, win!...


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"






Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Clothing Optional

So remember yesterday when I said I was crazy? Well...what I did this morning is confirmation that yes, I am indeed crazy with a dash of Just a Little Off Kilter.


Wake up, shower, brush teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to work...this is what I do five days a week so you'd think that I would have the routine pretty much worked out by now.


Apparently not...


I get to work, start to take off my jacket and realized very quickly that I never actually finished getting dressed! I put on my lady undergarments, tights and tank top but never put on my dress so there I am standing at my desk wearing my undergarments, tights, tank top, boots and a smile. What!?!? 


I dashed home, put on my dress and was back at work before anyone noticed but really Janet?....really! I'd blame it on the drugs but I haven't started any yet!


Oops by Twelve One Designs via Etsy

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

New & Improved

Attention Friends...Yours truly is now available in 5 new shades of crazy!


Life is crazy. Work is crazy. Starting another frozen embryo transfer is crazy but crazy is what I do best! 


Crazy Art Block by Match Blox via Etsy


Monday, February 6, 2012

Featured & Humbled

This morning I had a lovely email letting me know that I have been featured on the homepage of BlogHer.com in the Blogging & Social Media topic as a BlogHer SpotlightBlogHer’s mission is to bring women bloggers exposure, education, community, and economic empowerment. I'm humbled to have been featured and it's lovely to hear that real people actually read the nonsense that I spout. 




Thank you.



Friday, February 3, 2012

Ice, Ice Baby

Tomorrow Adam and I are heading out for a weekend of ice climbing with a few friends of ours. I need this. I miss climbing. I miss my friends. It'll be good.

We did have another ice tripped planned that we've had on our schedule for over a year but the fact that I haven't climbed ice at all this year combined with all of the infertility treatments and the resulting squishiness of my body, I thought it best to start off small and a little closer to home.

If you climb ice long enough and often enough, it’s inevitable that you will, at some point, be out on a day where the ice is bulletproof, tools bounce off the ice like you’ve hit a rock, and dinner plates are a fact of life. The sounds in those conditions are unmistakeable, ice fragments sound like broken wine glasses and fine china falling down, and tools and crampons squeak like nails on a chalk board. Fortunately, it appears that this will not be the case for this weekend and I'm thrilled about that! 

Great weather, great ice, great food and great friends. It'll be just what I need. What are your plans for the weekend? What do you do for fun?

Climbing Guardian Angel at Diamond Lake, ON

On the last pitch of Guardian Angel at Diamond Lake, ON



Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Spirit Within


Spirits are carefree.
They should never be held down.
Made of pure energy – They are our very life source.
For every woman, her life spirit is different from others.
Each spirit is unique in it owns way.
As a child our spirits are carefree.
We laugh, we run, we love, as love is given to us.
Sadly, as we grow, our spirits become harnessed by the rules of life.
Saddled with burden.
Spirits are meant to fly high – Free as a bird.
Sadly, our spirits cry when pain is inflicted upon us.
My spirit has been captured and taken prisoner.
It has been beaten, bruised and even scolded in the days of my life.
But my spirit will never die.
My spirit is what keeps me going.
Without it I would surely die.
Although saddled and harnessed, my spirit always always finds a way to show itself and be free.
Freedom to laugh and love when with friends.
Freedom to express myself in writing.
Freedom to wear funky socks.
Freedom to fly my inner freak flag.
My spirit will always shine for all to see.

Yesterday my spirit was hungry and cold – I fed it with a couple (more like a few) red velvet cookies and warmed it with funky socks...

Thanks to Million Baby Steps for my amazing rainbow socks - they make early morning blood work just a little more bearable.

Red Velvert cookies - OMG yum!

My inner freak now has a full tummy and warm feet!


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