Thursday, February 28, 2013

Before I Forget...

Yesterday was Day 5 ultrasound day and I encountered, for the first time, promotional stirrup covers. Are you familiar with these? Little mittens that slip over the stirrups in an exam room, little mittens advertising pharmaceutical products?

I found them peculiar. Have pharmaceutical companies found these to be effective? Do women nestling themselves in for a wanding see these promotional stirrup mittens through the frame of their thighs and think “Hmm. Zoladex. I should Ask My Doctor about Zoladex - as soon as she removes her fingers from my vagina.”

The results just arrived...But honestly  I am too tired to write about the appointment - I feel defeated. All you need to know if that my FSH is higher than it's ever been and my antral follicle count is lower than it's ever been and I would like very much to crawl into a hole in the wall, pulling a bottle of wine and an electric blanket in after me, and not emerging until…well, do I have to emerge at all?

Couldn't I just stay in here?

Easy breezy...ha...that now seems laughable!


Easy Breezy

I seem to be a much calmer person lately (at least on the outside) or so people tell me.

Perhaps is has something to do with the fact that I have given up all control over the JaAdam baby making and adopted the mantra "What will be, will be". I'm not going to lie...this has been extremely tough but I'm committed to maintaining a cool, calm and collected attitude. In response to this new attitude someone at work recently asked me why I look so "breezy". Breezy? Can I be breezy?” Yes, yes you can be breezy! BREEZY! Now let’s whisper it: breezy. Here is my how to guide on how to be breezy...

  • Don’t take peoples’ opinions for fact...but be respectful.
  • If someone says something you find ridiculous or don’t agree with, approach the situation with a calm kindness. And then in your head you can just think whatever you want.
  • Don’t give a monkey about what other people are doing.
  • Other peoples’ success does not hinder your own. It’s got nothing to do with you.
  • Drink fancy cocktails. Guys, don’t be shy about this. You’re missing out.
  • Get some therapy. If you can’t afford therapy, get some friends who are good listeners. If you don’t have friends who are good listeners, try omegle.
  • Drive with the top down on your convertible.
  • If you don’t have a convertible, get someone to push you around in a wagon while you look at the sky.
  • Realize that the small good things in your life are just as important as the big good things.
  • Only compete with yourself.
  • Take portraits with a cat.
  • High five a stranger. If they get mad, run like hell.
  • Karaoke.
  • A good night’s sleep.


Easy Breeeeeeeezy!


Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Let in Snow, Let it Snow...Let it Snow

Snow /snō/

Noun - Atmospheric water vapor frozen into ice crystals and falling in light white flakes or lying on the ground as a white layer.

Verb - (of snow) To fall: "it's snowing heavily now".



video

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Whenever a waiter asks, "Do you want to hear about our specials?", push the menu aside and softly whisper, "I want to hear about you."

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Hug?

Despite all of the turmoil in regards to the baby making aspects of my life...life itself marches on. 

i.e. I go to work.

Yesterday I went to a meeting. The attendees are all Very Important (I think) And then there's me.

I'm not exactly sure who decided I should be a part of this illustrious group, but I get paid to be there, so whatever. Please don't take my ambivalence to mean I don't contribute. Because I do. I nod my head vigorously and knit my brows together, giving the appearance that I'm paying attention and giving thoughtful consideration to what's being said. But really, I'm thinking who the hell are these people that I've met no less than four times?

On the way to the meeting, I ran into a fellow attendee. She is someone - whose name I actually remember - I know in only the strictest professional sense. We are polite. Cordial, even. But we are not chummy.

So it makes perfect sense that the following took place.

We say hello to each other. And then she extends her arm.


Which I naturally take to mean she wants to hug me. I mean, sure I think it's weird. After all, we're polite. Cordial, even. But definitely not chummy. Certainly not huggers. Then I think, maybe she's resolved to give more hugs this year. 

I...Lean...In...


I'm getting closer. It's almost time for our hug. And then I see her face.

She does not want to hug you! Abort! Abort! Do not hug her. Fall on the floor. Pee your pants, throw up....Anything but hug her.

I stand up straight, clear my throat, straighten my jacket and follow her gaze to the door we are standing in front of.

That door has been there the whole time. I bet you guys didn't even see it. Don't feel bad. I didn't see it either. But this woman, who I know in a strictly professional sense, did see it and was extending her arm to open the door to the conference room. She was not trying to give me a hug because of course she wasn't.I followed her into the meeting room where I sat very far away from her.

I spent the next hour nodding vigorously and knitting my brows together, giving the appearance that I was paying attention and giving thoughtful consideration to what was being said. But really, I was trying to telepathically Jedi mind-trick her into forgetting what happened. 

I don't think it worked, and I'm pretty sure that's the last time Very Important People will invite me to anything.


Monday, February 25, 2013

Fat Lady...You're Wanted on Stage

"It's not over till the fat lady sings"

Well...she came a singin' bright and early Saturday morning marking the beginning of the end of chemical pregnancy number three. I knew this was coming, I knew the beta spelled trouble, I knew deep down in my heart...but it still caught me off guard. There was sadness and heart wrenching despair but there were no tears....I refused to give infertility one more tear. I was feeling angry and defiant. 

I'll admit though, a little corner of my heart and soul couldn't help but ask...why? 

But at the same time I feel as if I need to stop asking why me and just move on. Moving on though...in my experience...always easier said than done.

I haven't and don't have an appointment to see my RE but I do have an appointment to repeat Day 3 - E2, LH and FSH along with my thyroid level and on Day 5 we'll repeat the ultrasound to check AFC. I've been taking DHEA and CoQ10 for 6 months. These two things combined will tell us if it's been making a difference. Will my FSH be lower? Will my AFC be better? 

We shall see.


Friday, February 22, 2013

Funny Face Friday


I vow to never let life's troubles prevent me from having a little fun on Funny Face Friday!

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Doing The Best You Can

Infertility sucks. Yes, we also all know that. I want to talk about it but I don't want to talk about it if that makes any sense at all? Some moments over the past few weeks have been so serious, and so dark, that I literally need a giggle. I need to laugh at something or with someone to break up all the tension. Maybe I'll squeak out a fart during one of my next ultrasounds? Too much? Or perhaps I'll giggle when I recall my visit to Winner's yesterday...

After yesterday's news, I left work around 1 pm and decided that some retail therapy was in order so off to Winner's I went (they have the best funky dresses). I found a few dresses that I wanted to try on so off to the dressing room I went. What you need to know here is that I was still wearing my winter jacket and it was still zipped up. Anyway...off I went, five items in hand and 10 minutes later...out I came with five items in hand but the difference when leaving is that I left with an unzipped jacket. What's the problem you say? I was wearing a dress that I bought at Winner's just a few days before that had apparently just arrived at the store the day that I bought it.  The "sweet" lady looked at me and promptly accused me of trying to steal the dress. Say what?? I went it with 5 and left with 5. I didn't even get a chance to say anything before she was on the speaker calling for backup! The cavalry arrived to interrogate me. After explaining myself, convincing them I was in fact wearing clothes when I entered their store and after a look through my small purse...they seemed to believe me and let me go on my merry way. I've been accused of some things in my life but thief hasn't been one of them. Sheesh!

But even on the tough days, I have forged ahead, because that is the only way I know how to handle this. I've tried to downplay the fact that this is really hard. I'm not in denial. I am just trying to do something productive with the bad cards I have been dealt. But, it doesn't negate the fact that sometimes my heart hurts. Sometimes my spirit is crushed. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to go on. I just want to give up. I'm human. I'm fallible. I don't have all the answers. Even when I put my thinking cap on and research until my fingers are numb and my brain hurts - I still can't figure it all out. That frustrates me to no end.

On the bright side, I am learning so much about myself. As cheesy as that sounds, I feel like I know more about myself and am more comfortable in my own skin than perhaps I have ever been. I am so thankful for that. Maybe this is the gift of my late 30's? Finally figuring out me, and not feeling bad about it. Maybe this is the gift of my infertility? Knowing my body in ways I have never known it. Nourishing my body in ways I was too lazy to previously nourish it when I was "healthy".The gift of my infertility? I'm still working on that one. I know it has already taught me so much, but I still don't consider it a gift. I'm sorry, it's not.

Life can be so funny. You really can't predict how it's all going to play out. You do the best you can. I think that's all anyone can ask. Do the best you can.




Wednesday, February 20, 2013

I had to wait until this morning to receive the news that I am so accustomed to hearing...

I am not pregnant. 

The End.




Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Have You Ever?

Have you ever thrown up at your fertility clinic? Well...now I can say that I did and I can also say that I was and am horribly embarrassed about it even though the techs in the lab were so sweet about it. Good thing they keep those cute little garbage cans next to each chair! Yeah...not my best moment for sure.

A little back story....

Today is 13 dpo and after the fiasco of my tests and blood draw at 6 dpo...I'm ready for a little boring but it would seem that's just not how Janet's body rolls yo. 


Top test is 11dpo, light line
Bottom test is yesterday 12dpo, pretty good line.
Also a positive on an Equate test



Because I'm a sucker for punishment and I have this problem wherein I pee on things...I took another test this morning along with a digital. The digital mocked me with "Not Pregnant" and the other test mocked me with it's lighter then yesterday line. Damn! 

The hopeful side of my brain, quickly shouted out that it must be lighter because I was up at 1:30 in the morning to pee....yes, that's why! While the other rational, experienced part of my brain shouted out "You idiot...it's because this is another chemical". 

The only good thing that I took away from this morning is that AF isn't here...28-29 day cycles and today is cycle day 30. I always get major breast tenderness after O, this time...zero. I never have cramps before AF, it usually just starts without any warning, this time...cramps that started at 10dpo. I have to admit...I feel like a fool...a silly, silly foolish girl that is grasping for straws. I am not happy with myself!


I did what I didn't want to do and that was call and request another beta. My thinking is that at least if this is another chemical the clinic will have a record and perhaps we can try and figure out why this keeps happening. Other than the usual blood work, I've never had any additional testing. Perhaps this might be useful?

Beta was drawn at 9:15 am...I'll know later today but I am preparing myself for bad news.

And this lovely peoples is the back story about why I threw up at my fertility clinic.
*Disclaimer...I threw up at the thought of yet another crushing disappointment...just so much heartache and disappointment*

...................................................................................................................................................................

I popped home for  lunch and had a peek at the Clearblue test that I took this morning at the same time as the other test. It's been hours...evaporation line? 

What are the chances...this is 6 hours later!

Monday, February 18, 2013

Still Here...

Perhaps I'll have an update soon. Perhaps....I'm cautiously, pessimistically, optimistic.


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

“You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.”


Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Too Early?

It just occurred to me that my beta HCG was drawn 6dpo. 
Isn't that too early to get a positive blood test?

I know...much rambling...please bear with me!


It's All In The Details

There are a few details that I should have included yesterday but as you can imagine, yesterday was not my best day ever...my apologizes.

When I took those two tests yesterday morning I was at what I think was  6dpo. I had an almost positive OPK on CD15 and a positive on CD16. I knew that this was way too early to test but once addicted, always addicted...anyway...I was gob smacked when not one but two tests came up very clearly positive. 

Did I ovulate early? (even though every OPK from CD10-15 was negative). Could the tests be wrong? Were they picking up something else? (even though I'm only on my usual vitamins) I shoved them into Adam's sleeping face to make sure that he saw what I saw...he did. Two very clear positives on two different brands.

Due to the nature of the surgery that I had on my tubes in November, I was advised to call the clinic as soon as I had a positive test (the risk of ectopic is higher after tubal surgery) I knew it was early but I did as instructed. I went about my day expecting that phone call to bring good news but we all know how that went. Clinic offered no insight, just a quick "not pregnant, progesterone is high so you ovulated and will have your period in a week. Good bye".

I tested this morning with two different tests and both were negative...not even a hint of a line. 7dpo (period is due in 7 days) is early but...

What in the H to the E to the L to the L is going on?



Monday, February 11, 2013

Confusion Reigns Supreme

This weekend I used a home pregnancy test (after swearing I wouldn't) and thought I saw a smudge of a line so this morning I took another and this came up...


Surely this must be a fluke so I took another and this came up...


Both looked very positive to me and both came up within a minute of testing so I did what I was instructed to do and called my clinic and went in for a beta.

Beta was 0.3
Progesterone 74

Negative. Not pregnant.

How a beta of 0.3 can show up so clearly on two completely different brands is beyond me.    

I'm confused!



Saturday, February 9, 2013

General Ideas

This blog is generally for entertainment purposes only or for amusing myself (this is so so easy to do). But ever now and then I like to share some advice or tongue-in-cheek wisdom and if you get something out of that I think that’s fantastic. But to be clear...I don’t really know anything. One big thing that I do not know how to do is be successful. If I were successful then I wouldn't be the dear struggling me that I am.

Back when I used to take boat loads of fertility meds, I would be seized with grand plans and things that I had to do as I was trying to drift off to sleep. Once in my half-awake/half-asleep dreamlike place, I wrote a list titled...


How To Be Sucessful

1. Get a twin! Yes, I really did think this was a good idea, and no...I have no idea what it means either.
2. Get people to call other people for me, like they worked for me (???)
3. Jsfhrguifg Tdyvdf Jdfudf -  the writing got kind of difficult to read after this.


Listen, I don’t recommend doing anything on this list in the great name of success. And I think that deep down, I'm a little afraid of success, which is why I sometimes don't strive harder to gain it when I know I'm capable. What if I actually do really well in life? Then what? I know, it’s weird. It makes no sense. 


While my list will not help, I do think I have some general ideas as to how to be successful:

  • Do something that scares you. By which I mean, do not inject poison into your eyes or put a tarantula on your face, but rather do something outside of your comfort zone because it will help you grow. 
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I'm still working on this one.
  • Don’t beat yourself up when you mess up. Because it’s over with. If you could go back in time and change it, you would, and you know you would. Let that be enough. Realize that there is an ocean of time ahead of you that will give you many chances to not mess up.
  • Don’t compare your progress to someone else’s. This one is hard for me. It’s tempting to want to look at Mary Jo and say, “Wow, Mary Jo has a baby and a job and washboard abs” and then to cry about it, but don’t! Because for everything Mary Jo has, there’s something you have that she doesn't. There always is! We’re all doing our best in this world and some people get there faster than others, but we all get there.
  • Don’t be too polite. Do not be a miserable wench. Do not throw rocks in peoples’ faces. What I mean by this is basically, stand up for yourself! The only one who can be your biggest defender is you. Unless you’re in court, then I would seriously get a lawyer. You never represent yourself, that’s Law & Order Rule #1. (Rule #2? “When I left, she was still alive!”). Eleanor Roosevelt once said something like, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor was right!

We’ll stop there for now. Decide to be successful! And just holler if you need me. I'm much better at giving my advice than taking my advice.



Thursday, February 7, 2013

Lyrics

These four songs were on the radio as I was driving into work today and this time I really paid attention to the lyrics. "What are they really singing about?" I wondered?

Here are my thoughts on said lyrics...

Payphone by Maroon 5

I’m at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change I spent on you


If you’re at a payphone, you’re either in a former decade or a meditative coma. Neither? Then you’re a junkie, in which case please stop lying. You spent all your change on heroin, not on me.

Lemme See by Usher

She says she wanna take her skirt off
Be my guest!
I decided to take my shirt off
And show my chest!

Nope. Not believable. If you are fully clothed, there is no way she’s just going to outright suggest “Hey, I want to take my skirt off.” Or, at the very least, I need a little more background if I'm going to get on board with this scenario. Like, did she already take off her coat? What about her shoes? Because, the way you've presented the information here makes it seem like the skirt is the first thing to go, and I really can’t relate. I've never been so uncomfortable in what I'm wearing at a stranger’s house that I abandon all logic and reveal my toosh.

For clarity’s sake, let me rephrase: I have never, at a stranger’s house, abandoned all logic and revealed my toosh for the sole reason of being uncomfortable.

Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
But here’s my number
So call me maybe

Carly, that’s not really “crazy.” It’s called giving out your number. A little desperate, perhaps, sure. But I certainly wouldn't categorize it as “crazy.” We've all been there. Just be careful. Don’t have him over until you've met him in public at least once.

Starships by Nicki Minaj

Starships were meant to fly
Hands up and touch the sky
Can’t stop ‘cause we’re so high
Let’s do this one more time

Wait, so...Help me understand something. In this scenario, are we supposed to be starships or are we still people? Because if we’re starships, we don’t have hands. And if we’re people, then why are you bringing up starships? They seem irrelevant as they pertain to this situation.


 * disclaimer - I actually kind of love these songs

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Kindness of Strangers

I wanted to take the time to thank the kind girl at the mall who held the broken bathroom door stall closed for me. That was really cool of you. I hope I find you one day so I can thank you. You heard my tipsy fearful voice asking, “Uh oh, does this even lock?” and you said, “I got it” and got you did. You held that door while I peed, asking no questions or for anything in return. Then I said, “Okay I'm done” and thanked you and you left. I didn't even see your face. 

The word "hero" is thrown around a lot but I don’t think it’s any exaggeration when I say that what you did for me last night was the greatest act of heroism that anyone has ever done anywhere.

Thank you, kind stranger. May karma repay you in full.


Monday, February 4, 2013

Weekend Recap in Pictures

I spent the weekend in Montreal with my sister...here is our story in pictures...

Friday morning train to Montreal...
Followed by giant delicious crepes in the Old Port
Rue Saint-Paul in the heart of the Old Port
Touring around Jacques Cartier Square and City Hall
Friday evening dinner ...
Saturday morning antics at the Métro
This mannequin may have been inappropriately touched and undressed by my sister and I 


We had dinner Saturday night at this amazing little African restaurant tucked away on a busy street...


The crepe place was so good we went back on Sunday and added in a pitcher of Sangria
Sunday sightseeing...


Checking out of the hotel....
Sunday evening train home

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