Wednesday, July 8, 2015

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

This is just a quick shout-out to bread bowls, waffle cones and other edible containers. You guys are doing a great job. Keep up the good work.




Monday, July 6, 2015

Illuminate

I love candles!

But I don’t simply love candles...I am a freak for candles. I would be so down with being transported back to say, the early 1800s because, well first of all time travel equals awesome, but also think about all those candles. Back when there wasn't electricity...everyone rocked candles. Back then people would even have these little candle trays they would use to carry their candles around on and everything was always kind of terrifying because the only thing lit at night would be the area around the candle which sounds both very romantic and very scary and possibly both at the same time which is fun too.

Nowadays candles are just sort of tossed aside as this decorative item that costs way more than I am willing to spend on an average meal so my candle buying is limited. I mean I would love to purchase a thirty-dollar homemade organic wax candle that smells exactly like a unicorn cried into a grapefruit but I’d also like to feed and clothe my family. So nowadays, getting to enjoy candles is not quiet as easy as it was back in the Days of Yore. But that’s where discount department stores come in handy. Mainly Winners and Homesense. They have some pretty decent sales in the home goods aisles, and that almost always includes candles.

Just the other day I took Lochlan for an excursion to my favorite local Winners, (we need the change of scenery) and I found a few 'cheap' candles. Based on the number of candles purchased you'd think I was stocking up for the impending zombie apocalypse when we will lose all power and have to rely on candles for light lest we get eaten by a zombie just because it’s dark out and we couldn't figure out where to go. 


The thing is, if you want to get into the big serious romantic candle shrine type mood then you are going to need a literal boatload of candles. And you definitely don’t want all those candles to be scented because there is a very real chance you will pass out from candle fumes and or hallucinate that a giant Tahitian Gardenia is doing interpretive dance with some Spanish Sandalwood while White Linen eats a Fig on a Bamboo Teak tabletop. So just get one or two scented candles and then go straight bananas in the unscented candle section. Snatch up every odorless waxed wick you can find! Then just disperse the candles in the place of your choosing, light away, and rejoice in all those flickering flames.

Now remember to always practice candle safety because everyone knows about that dude who left a candle burning in his dorm room and he lit his super cool tapestry that his sister brought him from Spain on fire and then the building burned down. I would also not recommend laying on a bed surrounded by candles à la Claire Danes as Juliet, because first of all, those candles look expensive; secondly, if you are as klutzy as I am, chances are 100% you’ll burn yourself...but mostly you should just remember that no one is ever going to look as good as Claire Danes looks when she’s emoting.



Saturday, July 4, 2015

Nine Months

Someday I'll get my act together, my thoughts on an even keel and back to writing again. 

Someday.

Someday...when I'm getting more then four hours of sleep in a row. 
Someday...when Lochlan naps for more then forty minutes at a time. 
Someday...when I'm done updating my resume and looking for work. 
Someday...when I've sorted day care out. 

Someday. 

Until then...here's Lochlan in his ninth month...














Thursday, May 28, 2015

A Love Affair

I love pizza. So I am going to tell you a little bit about my love affair with pizza. (Aren't you excited? I’m excited! I can’t even tell you how long I've wanted a forum to gush about the virtues of pizza!

My favorite kind of pizza is plain cheese pizza. Cheese pizza is pizza in its purest and most delicious. Frankly, I don’t think there is anything that tastes better on this sweet planet than a cheese pizza.

Sometimes when I’m thinking about what I want for dinner and I’m mulling my options with Adam or a friend, if someone mentions pizza then that’s it, we are getting pizza. If it’s not already on my mind (which it almost always is), and then someone else puts it on my mind, then there is almost no way I’m going to be eating anything other than pizza.

Here’s another important thing about my love affair with pizza...I'm not a pizza snob. I love it all. I love McCain, which is barely pizza, and I love the pizza you get at movie theaters and I love the Loblaws pizza and I love Domino’s thin crust and I loved the pizza that was served in the dining hall in my army days, and I love breakfast pizza and I love salad pizza and I love all the fancy high faluting pizzas you can get at fancy pizzerias or make at home in your very own kitchen. It’s all good. Of course I have pizza preferences (thin crust, ham and pineapple, never deep dish), but all in all, if it’s pizza then I’m going to love it.

I spend a lot of time thinking about pizza. I have a lot of philosophical questions about pizza. Some of these questions are:

  • What if my soul mate is pizza? 
  • Does pizza spend as much time thinking about me as I think about pizza? 
  • Why is pizza the same word in just about every language? Does that prove that pizza is the best food out there? 
  • Why are there not more restaurants called The Leaning Tower of Pizza? 
  • If I was stranded on a desert island how would I ensure that one of the items I would have with me at all times would be a piping fresh and hot and delicious and ready-to-eat pizza? 
  • Why don’t more bagel places offer pizza bagels? 
  • Why don’t more diners offer breakfast pizza? 
  • Why do I not own a cat/dog/fish/exotic pet named pizza? 
  • Why isn't my name pizza?
So anyway pizza is awesome and I think everyone pretty much agrees with me, right? Like, who doesn't like pizza? I honestly don’t think I've ever met anyone who doesn't! I would be very interested to meet an anti-pizza person, I must admit. I would like to study their brain and their food habits and maybe follow them around. Because if you are not eating pizza on a regular basis then what exactly are you eating?

Okay now I have to go eat pizza!


Wednesday, May 27, 2015

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.


Sunday, May 17, 2015

Seven & Eight

7 months old ~ April 12th
Little music maker








8 months old ~ May 12th
8 months of Lochlan James

Middle of The Day

Dear People in Coffee Shops in the Middle of the Day,

Hi! I have a lot of questions about you! See, like you, I am one of the people who can sometimes be found in a coffee shop in the middle of the day (even more so now that I'm on maternity leave), and I cannot help but wonder about my cafe squatting brethren. I mean, I know why I'm here...I'm here because I have an 8 month old and and sometimes I get bored being at home all day, therefore the need for a change of scenery, leads me to the closest coffee shop. But what about you? It’s almost 2 in the afternoon on a Thursday and you are in a coffee shop! Are you like me? I want to know what you are doing here and I want to know your story! I want to know everything about all of these people in the coffee shop in the middle of the day!

What are you doing? Are you on Facebook? Instagram? Pinterest? All three at once? Are you inventing a new social media website? Are you emailing with someone? Who? What are they saying? Are you writing? What are you writing? Is it a script? A book? An essay on coffee shop aesthetics? Are you lonely? Are you employed? Is this your job? Doesn't it annoy you to have that plate of crumbs sitting on the table for hours on end? Wouldn't you just go and throw it out by now? How much coffee have you had? Would you still come here even if they didn't have free WiFi? What did you do before free WiFi existed? Who is your favorite superhero? Do you like the music they are playing? Are you as creeped out by that one weird dude in the corner as I am?

It’s weird because if you go to a coffee shop in the middle of the day in just about any city (and probably some small towns, too) there will always people in that coffee shop. People you might see once and never again. People who could be visiting, people who could be your next door neighbor who you've never met. It’s a strange existence, the coffee shop life, because I have so many questions and am so very curious about all the other people I occasionally encounter during my coffee shop visits, and yet I never actually talk to anyone or ask anyone who anyone is or what anyone is doing. That’s the thing...we’re all here for a purpose, and whatever that purpose is, because we know there is one, it’s as though the cafe dwellers abide by a code. Everyone is often polite but has very little interaction with each other.

The people who go to coffee shops in the middle of the day are unified by their purpose and desire to be in the coffee shop and protected by this shared intention, even though some of us are strangers and we’ll never meet and I’ll never know what you are writing on your computer and what music you are listening to and where you came from and where you are going to. We are strangers yet we are all so alike in one way or another and that's cool.

Warm regards,
Janet


Monday, April 13, 2015

Pliers, Ropes, Chain & Pokers

Forget pliers. Forget ropes, chains, red-hot eye pokers. The greatest form of psychological torture, sure to elicit screams of mercy from any terrorist on 24, is standing in a twenty-five person line at the post office and watching as two of the three clerks...who have been moving at speeds generally reserved for slowly eroding rock formations...put "closed" signs in their windows as they sit there, averting their eyes, typing on their computers.

Ugh!



Friday, April 3, 2015

Six Months

Lochlan was 6 months old on March 12th...

Six month stats ~ 15lbs 8oz and 26.25"











Five Months

Lochlan was 5 months old on February 12th...











Spanx Me

Standing in the bedroom, staring at my closet and bathroom counter, pondering the vast array of products specifically designed to improve our self-esteem and increase our confidence by hiding, correcting, fixing, or even eliminating our flaws.

For virtually every un-perfect body part, there are products enthusiastically promising to shove recalcitrant 40+-yr-old bodies backwards in time, so we can look more socially appealing (read: y-o-u-n-g-e-r). With minimal research, we can find products that push up our bosoms, firm our thighs, tighten our buttocks, reduce our cellulite, even our skin tone, shrink our waistlines, de-bloat our bellies, de-puff our eyes, lengthen our lashes, thicken our hair, smooth our wrinkles, plump our lips, and change our hair color from blah to bombshell in just 30 minutes. Wow.

Make no mistake. I am a BIG fan of these products. Being a sucker for anything that promises youthful beauty without having to join a gym or give up Pop Tarts and Lucky Charms, I tend to whip out my MasterCard on the first promise and I own a dizzying variety. Some work. Some don’t. Here’s my current list of my All-Time Products worthy of commentary:

1. Spanx. Designed to firm and smooth out everything from bust to ankles. Our mothers called these “girdles.” Be warned. They only work if you buy a size you can’t get into in less than 20 minutes and you’re prepared to break a sweat. And pee before. Once up, they’re on for the night.

2. DIY Hair Streaking Kits. Never understood this one. You’re paying to put white (gray) streaks in your hair that you’ll be paying to have removed when you realize you now look like your middle-school librarian (no, not the hot one).

3. Butt Pads. Very few things leave me speechless. Intentionally attaching something to your backside, specifically designed to make it look bigger… Nope, not for me.

4. Bosom Max. Promises to “lift and enhance bust size” with an electromagnetic pulse massaging bra. Awesome. The person who buys this probably also bought the Ab Roller and the Shake Weights. I can’t drink enough wine for this one. I’ve tried.

5. Rogaine for Women. Sounds like a good idea, until I read the side effects, which include “Possible extreme weight gain.” Seriously?? So it not only makes your hair thicker, it poofs up your a**?? See number 3.

6. Lip Augmentation. Quite possibly the stupidest trend since, well…ever. Channeling Daisy Duck is likely to result in friends and family questioning your decision-making processes on virtually every other issue in your life.

7. “Cleansing” Kits. Raved about by Hollywood celebrities, these teas and tablets promise to “cleanse toxins, reduce water retention, and flatten the tummy.” Our parents called these “laxatives.” Save on shipping. They’re available at any drugstore.

So yes, while it is true that we can alter or even eliminate dang near anything the good Lord gave us, it seems that confidence is best achieved by putting as much distance as possible between how we appear and what we actually look like. Having said that, I’m not quite ready to go natural. Maybe WonderBra could come out with a “PleasantlySurprisedBra”? I’ll take one in Nude and one in Black, please.



Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Wordless Wednesday

I dance to my own tune – you just cant hear it because the voices in my head are humming it.



Thursday, February 5, 2015

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Adulthood…not quite what you thought it would be, is it? All those years of waiting, making vows about how you were going to be (vastly different from the adults in your childhood life), planning a fabulous fun-filled, carefree existence which would start approximately two seconds after you were free of authority figures. You absolutely could not wait to be out on your own, and if someone had sat you down and said, “No, see, these are your true golden years, when someone else is responsible,” you’d have served him or her the full force of your derision, with a side of “what you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” because there was no way it wasn’t going to be so much cooler/better/more fun and fulfilling on every conceivable level to be “the boss of me.” If it would only hurry up and happen, already.

And then, wow, it did happen. Fast forward to now: your inner child sulks every time you have to take out the trash, do laundry, or go to work, only you don’t mention it most of the time, ‘cause now you’re a grown up. But, please. All these chores, plus a job? And hardly the expendable income you’d envisioned. This was not the game plan. When’s all the non-stop fun going to start?, because you kind of feel as if you were bypassed. Now that you think about it, it was kind of nice to have dinner be someone else’s decision, huh? And bill-paying. To never stop & think about all those yucky “r” words like ramifications and repercussions and rent. Those were sweet days.


So, when you’re waxing nostalgic, try to grasp at snippets of your old life, which is as close as you’ll ever get. This product provides a perfect example. Recreate the joyful sensation of the spit bath with 
MomSpit. Who can forget those wonderful moments when your mom would glance at your face, then pull out a Kleenex and do something so disgusting you hoped no one was watching? Sometimes she’d really scrub and it kind of hurt, adding injury to insult. You couldn't even believe she just did that. And for the rest of the day every time the wind hit you from a certain angle, you’d get that whiff of mom-breath. Momspit recreates this wonderful childhood experience, right down to the no-rinse instructions, and the “unscented” claim. 

Let it take you for a stroll down memory lane!





Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...