Friday, March 30, 2012

Melancolía

I wish I had been born in the Victorian Age. I probably wouldn’t have loved the corsets or the lack of indoor plumbing, but I think I could get into the swooning part. I would enjoy spending a few hours, or days, on a couch in a darkened room, with lavender water in a cloth over my eyes.

It might be nice to be seen as too fragile and nervous to face every day life. A Victorian Lady was allowed to take to her bed with the vapors every now and then, just from hearing bad news. That sounds good to me right about now.

You see, lately I have been struggling with a real sense of melancholy. Life is feeling like a challenge.

I am not depressed: that implies a longer, deeper and more profound feeling than what ails me.

I am not really sad; life is full and rich and all is well in my world.

I'm just……melancholy.

I'm finding it harder and harder to just keep going , to just keep pushing through the demands of every day. But what’s my choice? A woman needs to just chin up and keep on plugging. A modern, progressive, professional woman can’t just pull the curtains, place her limp wrist across her eyes and fall onto the couch.

So I wish that I could live back in Victorian Days, just for a while. I really want to swoon for a few days. Just till I feel better. I’d even be willing to wear a corset…..

Loving my new handstamped  "Live What You Love" bracelet by Honey Suckle Road

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Rebel Yell

I'm pretty much a rule follower by nature. I fear consequences to my actions and therefore I make it a point to follow rules that most people find to be “optional”. Things like obeying the crosswalk lights even when there are no cars in sight, avoiding parking in a no-parking zone, only driving in the left lane on the highway to pass, and avoiding texting while driving are non-negotiable to me. And on the rare occasion I have been forced to break a couple of these rules due to peer pressure from evil influences circumstances beyond my control, I am ridden with guilt. This not only applies to society’s laws, but also rules of etiquette. I’m a stickler for doing the fair and polite thing such as limiting myself to only one piece of candy from the unsupervised bucket outside my neighbor’s home on Halloween night, returning my shopping cart to the cart return instead of parking it against another car’s bumper, filling in all blanks on a form including ones that are not applicable, and avoiding taking calls during a meal with friends or while in the checkout line at a store. Ask Adam about our trip to Niagara Falls and the peaches someday...my rule following put a damper on his peach eatin!

Don’t get me wrong…there are some exceptions. For things such as the ones listed above…my conscience precludes my need for convenience. I feel way too guilty to engage in the shameful behavior. But there are those “exceptions”. I don’t even really feel guilty for them either. I have no idea how these exceptions came to exist, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with self-preservation in response to some unknown childhood trauma…or maybe the rising population of pygmy goats. Who knows?

So here it is…my confession…some of the things that I don't feel guilty about doing even though they are frowned upon socially and/or could potentially cause me to suffer consequence one day:

  • I take alcohol prep swab packets every time I'm left waiting in an exam room at a doctor’s office. I like to use them to clean the receiver on my phone or my keyboard at the office. But sometimes I don’t tell them. I justify it as being a perk of the visit. 
  • I have re-gifted. It’s not that I don’t sincerely appreciate the gift and being thought of, I really do. But what am I supposed to do? Be punished with the task of storing this unwanted item for who knows how long just to appease a guilty conscience? No sir, not me. I find that the gift giver would probably be happy to know (not that I would actually tell them) that not only did their gift serve the purpose of letting me know how much they cared, but also it will have the opportunity to keep on giving to the next lucky recipient. That’s chicken soup for the soul ya’ll.
  • If there are 2 cupcakes left in the box and one is all crumbly and smudged and missing icing in some places and the other is perfection…I will give the messy one to someone else. That’s right...I take the better one! HA! And you know what else…it’s not just cupcakes either. I take the cookie that’s not broken, the cinnamon roll in the middle and the apple with no bruises, and I leave the lesser quality food item for someone else. If there are only 4 slices of bread left in the bag and one of them is the heel…guess whose grilled cheese comes a little flat? Not mine! Does this make me a bad person?
I'm a Rebel by Little Minnow Designs via Etsy



Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Tristis

Sadness is emotional pain associated with, or characterized by feelings of disadvantage, loss, despair, helplessness, sorrow, and rage. 

The days following the news that our precious embryos did not survive were hard...really hard but I was also surprised that after a day of tears (many, many tears), I picked myself up a little and did my best to be happy. We had a great weekend. We went to a movie, we had friends over for pizza & game night. It was good. I was happy. 


And then the sadness hit me again.

I was thinking about the grief yesterday. And this morning, and most of the rest of my waking hours, actually. I was wondering why this pervasive sadness was back again, when not even getting to transfer after a cycle isn't really as bad as having a miscarriage, no matter how early that miscarriage was. And I realized, because I'm so bright that way, that the sadness is back because this isn't any different than the grief of the miscarriage. It's all one big bit of grief, which just goes on and on and on being sad. 


I'm taking things one day at at time as that seems like the best course of action. I am also going to allow myself to do a couple of things...
  • I'm going to allow myself to be sad. I'm concerned that trying to keep denying such feelings may force them underground, where they can do more damage with time. So I've decided that I'll cry if I feel like it and I'm hopeful that once I stop I'll notice hopeful relief after the tears.
  • I'm going to plan a sadness day. In the coming days, I'm going to plan a day or evening just to be alone, listen to melancholy music, watch sappy movies and observe my thoughts and feelings. I've heard that planning time to be unhappy can actually feel good. It can help you ultimately move into a more happy mood.
That's the hope and that's my plan.



What do you do to to make yourself feel better when you're sad?


Monday, March 26, 2012

Here I am, minding my own business and enjoying my lollipop, when I start to think (never a good thing) ...

There’s stuff I have to do, isn’t there? Stuff that I have been avoiding because I was going through another cycle and to be honest, I was totally using that as an excuse/crutch to avoid doing things I should have been doing.

And there's the stuff I should have done a long time ago.

Noooooooooo!

I keep hoping that if I forget about, hide from it, and don’t do any of it, it will somehow just take care of itself. This strategy rarely works. More often, the responsibilities will evolve into a Responsibility Monster with the unique capability to find me, even if I am hiding under my Protection Blanket.

The Responsibility Monster isn’t able to penetrate my Protection Blanket, but he can sit on me and slowly suffocate me, until there is nothing I can do but throw off the blanket and face him and all the responsibilities he’s made of. Usually the sheer amount terrifies me, and I find some other way to hide, making the situation worse. It’s a vicious cycle people.

Then there are people that have stabbed their Responsibility Monster with a Fiery Torch of Eternal Death a long time ago. I am amazed by these people. If you are one of them, you’re my hero. You’re awesome. I don’t know how you do it. I stand in awe with my mouth gaping open while the Responsibility Monster tries to eat my foot and you’re juggling your computer, a full plate of food while solving world hunger. 


Sandra the Monster by Timid Monsters by Etsy

Oh the irony of writing this post while I have actual responsibilities I should be working on!


Saturday, March 24, 2012

Did You Know?

That M&M's are named after the surnames of Forrest Mars, Sr., & Bruce Murrie of Hershey's? Did you also know that M&M's are what's considered a dragée? 

What's a dragée you may be asking yourself. A dragée is a bite-sized form of confectionery which can have another purpose (e.g. decorative, symbolic. medicinal, etc.) in addition to consumption purely for enjoyment. 

Did you also know that they now come in white chocolate??? My mouth watered just thinking about them and my wee little brain was a buzz with thoughts on where to buy them and how quickly I could consume a bag...and then...

I found out that they are only available in the US of A. 

I'm so very, very sad. 

Oh wee little white chocolate M&M...how I want to eat thee.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Gratitudo, Gratus

Sometimes saying "thank you" can become an automatic response. "Have a nice day" "Thanks, you too" It’s a polite gesture which actually has some very profound meaning behind it. The word gratitude speaks to that deeper dimension.


Today I feel much gratitude.


Gratitude for all of the amazing comments and support that have come my way the past couple of days. It means the world to me and helps to ease the pain...and for that...I am incredibly grateful to each and every one of you! Thank you for following along in this crazy journey with me.


Thank You for Being With Me Print by The Thank You Shop via Etsy



Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Unexpected?

Just got the call that I had been fearing but perhaps was expecting.

The embryos were not there. We have nothing.

Heartbroken doesn't begin to describe how I am feeling.




Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Monday, March 19, 2012

The Three P's

I know how important it is to be positive about this frozen transfer. How I need to keep myself and my womb free from negative thoughts. I see the logic, I do...but its hard to be positive after all that we've been through. I'm trying to push the negative thoughts away but let's be honest....that's almost impossible to do. I can't help thinking about that tank and our embryos. Is the tank empty? Are they even in there? Were they left in the bottom of the shipping tank and are now gone forever? We'll know the answer to those questions in just a couple of days and while I want to know, I also don't want to know...make sense?

This morning I had my ultrasound and blood work. Lining was at 9.4 mm and beautiful. E2 was 1,365 and perfect. Tonight I start the PIO...ugh...a necessary evil. I'll get the call tomorrow to confirm day/time for transfer. The nurse said Wednesday but I think Thursday (as per my protocol). We'll know tomorrow.

Despite all this I am determined to be positive. To do my part in thinking this baby into existence.

Be Positive, Patient and Persistent by Truly Vera Designs via Etsy



Sunday, March 18, 2012

I Am Working So Hard

…at trying to disguise the effects that Dexamethasone, Estrogen and an upcoming Frozen Embryo Transfer have on my body.


My head, heart and soul are in a really good place this cycle.  At the beginning of the cycle, I wondered, “Should I go into the cycle with really high hopes, putting all of my positive vibes out there into the Universe?  Should I go back to that place where I was?  Hoping, praying, believing?  Or, should I have NO expectations so that the possible let down won’t be as intense?  What’s better?  How should I mentally prepare myself?  Am I up for this?  What is the best approach?”


The answer?  I stopped myself in my own tracks and I turned it over.  I needed to STOP over thinking it.  I needed to take my medicine and to do absolutely nothing else other than to make sure that I am enjoying and appreciating life, my friends and family...every single day.  Sure, I am staying positive, but these days what’s swimming around in my head is a lot more peaceful than the desperate hand-wringing, begging, pleading and “what ifs” that were there before.
So, tomorrow morning I have an appointment to check my uterine lining and start the PIO injections and we’ll take it from there. My challenge is going to be to keep this good mojo going throughout the next few days. But, for today, I’m letting that go.  I’m not going to think about it too much.


Saturday, March 17, 2012

An Irishman Needs A Box

An Irishman goes to a carpenter. "Can you build me abox that's two inches deep, two inches wide and 50 feet long?"

"Well," says the carpenter, "it could be done, I suppose, but what would you want with a box like that?"

"Well'" said the Irishman, "my neighbour moved away and forgot to take a few things with him -- and he asked me to send him his garden hose."


Lucky Alphabet photo by ABColumbia via Etsy


Happy St. Patrick's Day to ye!



Friday, March 16, 2012

Just a Tip

Dear Friday, 


Why did you take so long to get here? Please ensure that this doesn't happen again next week. This is becoming a bad habit and it must stop.


Sincerely,
Janet


This week has been so very, very long. Work has been crazy and I've been busy every night of the week. Plus, good ol Estrace is taking it's toll. I'm looking forward to five o'clock and a quiet evening in where I plan on doing a whole lot of nothing! To ensure that tonight stays quiet and I won't have to remove myself from the couch, I've come up with some helpful tips on avoidance....


Problem – The dishwasher is full of dirty dishes and the dishes in the sink are piling up.         You've spent an exhausting day at work dealing with all sorts of demanding clients. You get home and just want to lay on the couch so you can catch up on one of the several episodes of  Grey's Anatomy that have been on your DVR for the past few months. 
Solution – Forget the dishes and veg out in front of the television for an hour or two. You deserve it. When your husband comes home from work tell him that the oddest thing happened. You had planned on doing the dishes but not only did the electricity go out, so did the water.

Problem – The laundry is piling up.
Solution – What laundry? I don’t see any dirty laundry.


Problem – The trash can is full.
Solution – Put on your shoes and smash the trash down as far as it will go. Later that night, right before bed, say oh by the way, can you take the trash out? and then run like hell into the bedroom and lay in bed, pretending that you’ve already fallen asleep. He’s still in his clothes but unless he’s a meanie, he wouldn’t dare wake his sleeping wife to take the trash out.

Problem – Cooking dinner.
Solution – Tell him you have raging hormones and cramps and your cramps are so bad that you can barely stand up. Add a few owwws and ohhhsss. By the time the take-out he ordered comes, you’ve miraculously recovered.




What do you plan on avoiding this weekend?



Thursday, March 15, 2012

Awkward

Have you ever had an awkward moment when you just want to hide mid conversation or run far far away and pretend you’re someone different? Well I have, too many times to count. And frankly my life is one big awkward moment. If you’re having a bad day, just remember that at least you’re not me. 


Here are just a few of the "Awkward" moments I've had this week...

  • You send an innappropriate email to your coworker, instead of your friend. Oops!
  • You tell a very conservative  friend of a friend who doesn't believe in cussing “I’m the funniest f’ing person you will ever meet”. I swear like a sailor...I blame it on my time in the Army. In all fairness...I should have been warned!
  • You tell a joke, and no one laughs. This happens a lot but I blame it on their total lack of humour and not on my lack of funny. 
  • Someone asks your opinion concerning the topic they’ve been talking about but you weren't listening and have no clue what to say. In my defence, the meeting was totally boring and I did actually listen for the first 30 minutes. 
  • You think a door is automatic so you stand there in front of it, waving your arms like an idiot only to have a kind old man pass you and open the door for you. And as you walk away you know he’s wondering what you've been smoking that day. 





What about you....what are some of your awkward moments?

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Thirty Six or Six?

It's been brought to my attention on numerous occasions that I have the eating habits of a child and I must admit that this is pretty much, mostly a little bit true. Admittedly, I did have a paper route when I was a kid just so I could use the money to ride my bike to the store to buy candy. I love to eat Lucky Charms for dinner when Adam isn't home. I always have an hidden stash of candy...you know, in case of emergency. I can't go to a movie without hittin up the over priced concession stand while also sneaking in my own treats. I have a drawer full of candy and treats in my desk at work and when my stock runs low, I get nervous. I've lied outright to a cashier while buying large amounts of candy that they were not for me but were for all for a kids birthday party that I was hosting, but wasn't. I should be ashamed of myself...but I'm not.


These are the three candies/treats that I've consumed in the past few days and for some sheets and giggles, I'd thought I'd share my thoughts on each.


Whoppers - If you’re supposed to taste like a milk fart, congrats. You nailed it. 


Grape Pop Rocks - They used to come in grape flavor, then they didn’t, and now they do again. Genius!

Sour Patch Kids - I generally don’t eat anything with such blatant ties to the doll industry, and usually do my best to steer clear of ingesting candy in the shape of a child. So, when I frantically gobble a whole bag of you in 45 seconds while waiting in line at Loblaw's - which I do with shameful frequency - I don’t feel particularly good physically or mentally. Taste, as it turns out, is far more powerful a motivator than morality, guilt, eyesight, health, self-esteem, reason or shame.

Nerds (Classic and Nerds Rope) - Great taste. Two huge strikes on size and shape though guys. Classic nerds are way too small. I want to enjoy some artificial sweetness, not pan for gold. My only other Nerds option is rope? ” I don’t like the idea that I could hang myself with candy. Here’s something delicious that can also be used as a lasso! You should have tried “Nerd Nuggets” or maybe “Nerd Tots” first.


What about you...what's your favourite candy or treat?


Candy Bar Sign by Merry Me Signs via Etsy

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Big E

Oh Estrogen...why you be hatin on me?


I have been on Estrace for 14 loooong days and still have another nine days until transfer - assuming of course we even have embryos left but thinking about it makes me throw up in my mouth just a little and curl up in a corner in the fetal position so better to try and not think about it but let's be real here shall we...that's impossible *sigh*


The side effects are getting to me. I've not been my usual self. I've been spending a lot of time alone in my head lately and trust me, it's always a dangerous place to visit unattended! 


I knew fertility treatments were going to be hard. I was prepared...correction...I thought I was prepared. I was even prepared for the fact that despite my awesome preparedness it still was not enough because as hard as you know it’s going to be… you just never know truly how hard it is until you are smack dab in the midst of it all. The knowing just isn’t enough.Yeah, it’s hard. The hardest. There are no words. 





Monday, March 12, 2012

The Big Bad Boogeyman

I am generally a pretty tough chick, at least I think so.


I have learned “tough chick” skills throughout my time in the military, like how to survive a nuclear or biological attack, weapons handling and how to effectively mount both an offence and an effective defensive position against the enemy. My point being, there is absolutely no justifiable reason that I should sometimes be scared of the boogeyman. And yet…still can’t watch the damn clown doll scene from Poltergeist. If you haven’t seen it, go Youtube it, seriously.


Here’s the deal, clowns are scary-ass. People should come to terms with it; everyone seems to understand this except the Shriners. Someone should tell them. And McDonalds, someone should write a letter. If it didn't scare you, are you made of steel or something?

Oh wait, maybe you didn't see it for the first time when you were six, like I did. You see, I had a friend whose parents loved horror movies and I mean...loved! I used to sleep over at her house frequently and we would watch those movies with them. I owe many sleepless childhood nights to Poltergeist, Freddie Kruegar and I won’t mention how hard it is to balance over the toilet late at night in case mini-Jaws is waiting to bite my poor behind. It also made me, despite all of the great training I have had, prone to the heebie-jeebies. What’s up with that?
All it takes is a noise at the wrong time, in the dead of the night, and I lose my mind. It’s sad really. I can attack an enemy hide with the best of them, full-camouflage paint and everything, but the boogeyman still waits under my bed, in case I let a leg or toe peep out.  Luckily, my sheets and blankets still possess the magical blade and boogeyman protective tendencies. Even sweating to death, I would rather die of dehydration than risk limb-loss to the monster under the bed.
Part of the problem may be my slightly over-active imagination. You see, when I hear a noise and think of something it may be (usually scary, drooling, scaled creature from the depths of hell), my imagination says, “Oh, that’s not scary! Do you know what would be scary…?” and ups the ante. Until I am a quivering mass of fear and goosebumps.
Perhaps I'll be less afraid when I'm all grown up. What about you...what are you afraid of?
Psycho Retro Print by Claudia Varosio via Etsy

Sunday, March 11, 2012

A Spirit Renewed

Renew - to restore or replenish.

That's how I feel today. Why?


Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting Ashley from Calmly Chaotic and her beautiful girls Alice and Isla. Those sweet baby girls are the result of IVF and seeing them made me once again realize that this journey, now matter how hard and difficult it has been...is worth it. 


There can be joy and love and happiness. 


So thank you Ashely...for renewing my spirit. It was just what I needed, just when I needed it.


Renew Your Spirit by Alicia Holman Photos via Etsy

Friday, March 9, 2012

Dear Captcha

Oh dear Captcha how annoying you are.
You’re a pain in the ass and I’d like to run you over with my car.
All I want to do is leave a comment and you make that impossible.
Trying to read those funky words makes me stabby and hostile.
I have no idea what a seaction eaketar is.
Just let me leave a comment and go about my biz.
My dear Captcha you can suck it, you drive me insane.
A ferminedo llyso? What in the hell, you’re a pain!
So listen up Captcha and take my advice.
Use something that resembles words or things will get ugly. 




It's All About Me

I've been ranting for some time about infertility and life, and I figured that I should give you a wee bit of insight into who I am and the life I lead.

I work in the field of print and project management. I'm quite observant and like to sit back and watch life/people passing by. I can be somewhat obsessive compulsive. I’m not lining all of my pens and pencils up using a laser, they’re not alphabetized with their labels facing up but they are in rainbow order if I’m bored. I'm also a clean freak...I need a clean and tidy house. I tend to focus on and obsess over little things, like books I happen to be reading or a new hobby…and big things, like infertility and trying to make a baby. 


I bore easily when I’m not being challenged and I have a hard time interacting with people who are cruel, amoral, or useless. It deeply saddens me to see the effect that these cruel, amoral, and useless people have on the world … and it frustrates me to no end that I can do very little to combat it.

I love animals of almost all kinds but don't own any. Adam has a cat named Brick but we aren't friends, therefore Adam owns him...we don't own him. I'm not sure if spiders count, but they’re not on the Loved list…speaking of spiders, if you want to see me act like a scared little girl put a spider on or near my bed. Do not like. Do Not Like.

I get anxiety before social situations with people I don’t know…but once I’m in it I’m just fine and appear right at home. I’m funny, I think and also a little sarcastic (Adam does not love this about me I'm pretty sure). When I get really agitated and upset I make humorous and ridiculous metaphors or analogies, most of which makes no sense at all. 

I want desperately to do the right thing, but I fall short sometimes like anyone else. I believe in the power of choice, and taking responsibility for yourself.

So there’s your snapshot. I’m an open book if anyone has any questions or wants to hear about anything in particular.


Thursday, March 8, 2012

In Which I Ask My First Question

As someone who sits around and daydreams about random things much of her life, I often wonder what other people spend their time doing. One of the things I have noticed at that people seem to be quite busy. I have stuff to do also although I often ignore that in order to do my favorite activity, which is undoubtedly wasting time, or daydreaming as it were.

Obviously, since this is my blog, you can see that I spend more than my fair share of time just talking about random and odd stuff. I have a vivid imagination and there’s nothing I enjoy more than silly conversations. When I once mentioned to Adam that our family seems to have an inordinate amount of crazy conversations on ridiculous topics, he said “I like that about our family!” Truly, so do I.

I have decided that every once in a while I’ll have a “random question” post. In this random question, I shall post the question and give my answer and I would love, love, love it if you would give your answer.

Why? I don’t know. Sounds fun and we can all get to know one another a little better.

So, with out further ado, here is my first question and answer?

Question - Have you ever eaten a crayon?

Answer - Well, I don’t actually remember eating a crayon but I was a little kid so it’s certainly possible. I will tell you that I definitely used to eat Play-Doh. I did! When I was little I thought it tasted yummy and I would eat it! I had pneumonia when I was six and I vividly remember being in the hospital playroom eating the green play-Doh that tasted like salt. I had to do it when my mom wasn’t around though because it really didn’t make her happy.

Mustache Ink Art by Alana In Love via Etsy

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Laughter

It comes as no surprise when I tell you that the past few months of my life have been hard. Yesterday was an especially bad day. This morning I woke up determined to make myself smile and laugh. 


This has helped a little...


I think of all of the good friends around the world doing something silly to make a friend laugh during a difficult moment. I think about how many times people have snorted from laughter and how many times someone has laughed so hard they have peed or barfed, and how many people accidentally spit out their drink on someone while laughing, only to apologize while laughing and trying to wipe them clean. Or how many times someone has said, "Stopitstopitstopit! Don't make me laugh!" or just waved their hands in front of their face in an attempt to make the other person stop making them laugh. Or how many times someone has given them self away from laughing at a time they wished they hadn't, but just couldn't help it. I wonder for how many unique reasons have humans cried from happiness: 35? 65,000? I Imagine how enjoyable it would be to try to research that just from interviewing people and asking them to list the reasons they cried from laughing and then totalling it all up. That could be fun.


Laughter Reto Quote by Rock The Custard Prints via Etsy


What about you...what do you do to make yourself feel better?



Tuesday, March 6, 2012

What's Zit All About

Yes, I am in my 30s. Yes I still get zits. I blame it on the copious amounts of hormones that I am currently taking in preparation for our (hopefully) embryo transfer.

For some reason they come in small colonies. Three or four at a time. Every time I break out, Junior High health class comes rushing back to me and I wonder: what did I eat? Too much chocolate? Pizza? Did I adequately wash my face after working out? (um, never. Cause I don't work out anymore) Thinking about Junior High reminds me of teenage acne, and then I don't feel so bad about my three or four zits. But, my hands start to itch and shake a bit. Want. To. Pick. Must. Refrain.

I am then mentally rushing back to a science class I had with the awesome although very odd, Mr. White. There is my teacher, telling some horrible story about a woman who popped a zit and then died. Something about how the pressure of her "popping" burst a blood vessel that went right to her brain and killed her. All I could think about was her poor obituary, and if I incorrectly pop a zit that mine would be a similarly tragic end.

Are you grossed out? Come on. Don't pretend you don't understand.

As if having a mini-not-quite-rash-but-perhaps-something-worse right between your eyebrows/on your chin isn't bad enough, someone inevitably feels the need to point it out. A lot of times it is my friend or co-worker who points in circular motion at your affected area while saying: "What's going on right there?"  - Hmmm...perhaps it's time to finds some new friends and perhaps a new job!

Like they don't know. This is what is referred to as Insult to Injury. Pouring salt on an open wound. Not only is it obvious that you have adult pimples in a colony on your face, but now you have to admit as much out loud. "Oh, that, well, I broke out." No shmee, Sherlock.

I've been tempted more often than I'd like to admit to do what a friend of mine did back in the day - cover them with brown eyeliner and call them beauty marks. Marilyn Monroe never had it so good.






Monday, March 5, 2012

Just Not Feelin It

"is it Monday yet!? Mondays are my fav" - says no one, ever.

Being an adult is sometimes so bloody awful, especially so in the mornings. Maybe mornings are easier when you're Kate Middleton - or say - Kate Moss. I feel like such beautiful people get to wake up to gentle kisses, fresh daisies and a feeling of warmth which let's them know they're safe. My mornings consist of me being dunked in a vat of ugh. And being an adult, mornings and I do not go well together - kinda like hummus and chocolate.

This morning I'm just not feeling...anything...work, life, baby making. Being all grown up and responsible is stupid and annoying. I liked it better when I ate play-doh and played with mud. 


Is it Friday yet?


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Twenty One

Yesterday we had a lengthy conversation with the embryologist as well as our RE at our new clinic and based on that conversation we have decided to move forward with this cycle. 


The embryologist explained to us that they dye the liquid cryoprotectant red and the embryos are then frozen onto that. When the opened the tank, there were able to locate the red stuff at the bottom of the tank. They very quickly moved it over to a new vial and dropped it into their tank. So in theory, the embryos should still be stuck to that red cryoprotectant. The good news is that the tank was -180C at the time of arrival so we know that the temperature had been properly maintained. She thinks it will work but of course, can't offer a guarantee.

Yesterday was also the start of my monthly visit so I started my Estrace and Dexamethasone. I also have my protocol. I have an ultrasound and blood work on March 19th to check my lining and estradiol, if that looks good, transfer will be on March 22. 

I have twenty one days to physically, mentally and emotionally prepare myself. I'm going to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I guess that's all a girl can do.





Musa Acuminata

I was working late last night and just happened to innocently wander over by the window and see my co-workers banana hanging out there all alone and victimish on his desk and I couldn’t help but think of a little trick I know of involving a toothpick and the skin of the banana.


Seriously, this is awesome and could, I repeat could be used by people with good intentions. Of course we’re talking about me here and since the road to hell is paved with the very best of them there intentions… let’s first talk about what you can do, and then of course what I did.


So the quick and easy, the short and nasty, the down and dirty, the low-low, fast and hard...toothpicks can be used to trace barely-visible messages into the peel of a banana that will not appear until a little while later when the peel browns in the scratched surface. Imagine the possibilities here...A good mom or wife could write “I love you” into a child’s/husband’s breakfast/lunch banana. A good Samaritan could even use this knowledge to write a nice note on a random banana for a stranger to discover later. Perhaps something like “you are beautiful” or “You look nice” These are things a good person could write.


But since I’m me, I decided it would be much funnier if my coworker walked in first thing in the morning to start his happy little work day off with this...





I know it was very juvenile of me...but it made me chuckle and trust me...I need the laughs!

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