Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Awareness & Over Sharing

Awareness. There are few things I am absolutely sure of. I am however absolutely sure that the guy next to me on my way into work this morning was pretty convinced that I was either trying really hard to break the windows in my car or that I was being tickle-tortured and subsequently screaming at the top of my lungs. Either way, I would like to say that I was doing neither. I am also fully aware that I can’t carry a tune in a bucket. My goal is NOT to be Carrie Underwood when I grow up. I find it relaxing to sing-a-long in the car on a drive, OK? I will also be doing the same on my way home from work. If you see me...please look away and keep driving!

Over sharing. I made the mistake of over sharing - and over blogging - to some of my friends and co-workers that I am afraid of clowns. Always have been and always will be...I've accepted this. My friends love me, I'm certain of this...or...I was certain of this until recently. These have been showing up in my inbox...and now I am not so certain.

Abandoned Clown Train - *shudder*
A heartfelt message to my friends - I'm begging you, please stop sending me photos of scary clowns. I can't sleep and soon I will have to start sleeping with the light on! Love ~ Janet



Sunday, June 26, 2011

Reflection

This weekend has been just what I needed. There have been no plans...no appointments...nowhere to be and no commitments. No needles and no medications. There has however been a lot of this...Movies & Netflix. Chai latte & rice krispie treats. Beer & butter chicken. Bubble baths & good books. Clean sheets and weekend sleep ins. This weekend has been a time to reflect...reflect on just how lucky I am and what a fortunate life I have.

A time to reflect on just how much love I have to give and just how much I am loved in return.
To Love and Be Loved by Happy Landings via Etsy

How was your weekend?

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Day After...

Yesterday I cried. Today I will not. Simple as that.


After a good cry yesterday and a good part of the evening tucked into Adam's arms on the couch and a good snuggle and chat in bed...I feel better. I feel hopeful. 


I had a good chat with my doctor yesterday and while he's uncertain why I never really responded as I should have and my hormones all remained quite low...we have a "New Plan" and it looks a little something like this:


Cycle #2 begins as soon as the current medications have cleared my system and my lovely Aunt Flo comes for a visit...Hopefully within the next couple of weeks. To be honest, I was quite surprised that we could jump right back in and start again immediately but I'll take it. If she doesn't come to visit within the next 3 weeks, we'll do some blood work to find out why...anywho...that won't be needed because she loves me so and she will come to visit me  soon!


On Day 1 of a next period - blood work & ultrasound.
No birth control pills will be used, also no Lupron.
Start 300 IU Menopur & Cetrotide, no Puregon.

This time I will be on a Short Protocol and we'll be jumping right in to stimulation, no suppression to start as we think this was the problem with Cycle #1. I am not yet sure about estimated retrieval and transfer dates as I'll be monitored closely, when I am ready, I am ready. 

My new mantra...
"She Belived She Could So She Did" by Valentian Design via Etsy 


Happy Friday!





Thursday, June 23, 2011

Sadness

Today I am sad.

I spoke to my RE....cycle has been cancelled and I am crushed. 


I had a feeling that we were going to come to this but that doesn't make this any easier. I had my ultrasound and blood work this morning and I knew it wasn't great. Two follicles over 5 mm and a bunch of little ones, lining had improved to 5.6 mm. In my heart of hearts, I knew this first cycle attempt was over. 


Apparently I just wasn't responding to the medications like I was supposed to and all of my hormones were very low. Doctor told me that 98% of women respond to the protocol I was on. I am one of the unlucky 2%. I can start another cycle as soon as I get AF. We'll change things up, no BCP next time, baseline blood work and ultrasound and see what happens. This could just have been because I was over suppressed or this could also be because there is something else going on with me. I'll be 36 soon but surely I should still have some good eggs in there, right? Brings me back to a conversation a couple of years ago and when someone said to me "Janet, you may feel young but your eggs are old" *Sigh*


I am confused. I am sad. Tomorrow is a new day...but...today....today, I will cry.


Cry by Rainboeliza via Etsy





Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Ignavus Ova

Day 6


Six days for my ovaries to step up to the plate and grow some follicles. Six days should be enough time to get things going right? Apparently not for my Ignavus Ova "Lazy Ovaries". My first ultrasound scan was this morning after my blood work was less than impressive. 


4 Follicles on the right - 3 to 5 mm in size 
5 Follicles on the left - 1.8 to 3 mm in size - Follicles need to be 18 mm.
Lining was at 3.6 - Lining needs to be at 8 mm. 

From all that I have been reading, I knew this was a low number and the size was on the small size. My thoughts were confirmed when the clinic called. They've upped my Puregon from 100IU to 200IU and I'm to stop the Lupron. My next round of blood work and ultrasound is Thursday morning - we need to see a marked improvement! 


*Crossed Fingers* for great results on Thursday. In the meantime...this is my message to my ovaries and follies...
I am feeling Discouraged & Hopeful! The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow....right?

5:05 pm - Update from the clinic: My E2 level hasn't really risen at all after 6 days of stims. Upped my dose of Puregon to 200IU and stopped my Lupron. Here's hoping this gets things moving along!




Monday, June 20, 2011

Tomorrow

Tomorrow...tomorrow is a new day...tomorrow is the day that we get a peek at my ovaries and how well they have been behaving and I do hope they have been! This is such a confusing and sometimes scary process and  my emotions have definitely been up and down the past few days. It's been a little difficult not really having a grasp on what my body is doing, how I am reacting to the medications so I am looking forward to tomorrows ultrasound and blood work. Looking forward to having some answers. *Fingers Crossed* for good news tomorrow!
The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Print by Raw Art Letterpress via Etsy

Happy Monday!




Sunday, June 19, 2011

A Daughter's Love....

I wish I really could find the words to describe what kind of Father my Dad is. How tender his heart is for these little beings he created. What it's like to be on the receiving end of the magical love he has for us lucky 5! 


Happy Father's Day Dad. I love you.


Paul Louis Sainsbury

Tina (40), Michael (33), Matthew (16), Paul (39) & Me (35)....Mom & Dad


Have you hugged your Dad today? I would if I could...sent the biggest hugs I could through the phone!





Saturday, June 18, 2011

Recipe For Disaster

Needles, hormones & poison ivy = a recipe for disaster.

The past few days have been rough and I'm not afraid to admit that there has been a tear or two shed. I've been on the Puregon & Menopur for a few days now as well as continuing the Lupron...it's been a rough few days. My yummy looks like it's been on the losing end of a fight and I'm sporting some lovely purple bruises and while I love the color purple, I'd much rather be wearing a pretty purple dress than my tummy wearing purple. While I have Googled side effects and read countless first hand stories from some pretty amazing women battling infertility, I was a little under prepared for how this rush of hormones was going to make me feel. That combined with a raging and spreading case of poison ivy...well...it's just been hard....BUT...this is all worth it and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I just keep reminding myself that...

This Too Shall Pass by Pureroxinprint via Etsy
A Saturday trip to Dairy Queen for a strawberry banana milkshake and perhaps a new book along with some "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding" watching...will make a girl feel better!

Happy Saturday!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Green Lights & Random Facts

Medication Round 2. Yesterday morning I had to go in for some more bloodwork and other then needing to be awake, out of the house and sitting at the clinic at the same time I am usually just rolling out of bed, wasn't bad at all. The clinic called me with the results, everything looked good and we were given the green light to start the Puregon & Menopur. Fist shots were a little rough, this mornings were much, much better. Perhaps Adam was more realxed, he was after all still wearing his jammies! There is going to be a lot of this every morning for the next couple of weeks...


Friday's Fun Fact - It's impossible to hum while plugging your nose. I'll wait while you try it :-) 




Thursday, June 16, 2011

Luck Was Bound To Run Out

Bon Echo...my favorite of favorite places...where I go to relax...climb it's beautiful cliffs...swim in it's amazing, although chilly lake...where I spend time with my friends who have become my family...and...where I now apparently go to catch Poison Ivy!
Looks harmless enough doesn't it.
I've been going to Bon Echo for about twelve years now and I'm sure, waded though poison ivy a hundred times. We have a pretty good idea of what climbs either have it on the climb itself. "The Joke 5.9"...that seems insane to climb anyway or is at the base of a climb..."Afternoon Delight 5.4" which I was on the last time I was there. Even though I've never had a reaction to poison ivy, I always make sure to steer clear...just in case. Seems my luck had run out.  I'm now the unhappy owner of my very own poison ivy...ugh!

Funny thing is...it took more than a week to makes it's appearance and another day or so for me to recognize what it was. If there is a cream or ointment to treat it out there, trust me, I've bought it! It spread to my other leg and I now know why....Adam and I have been going for a walk every night after dinner and I've been wearing my Chaco sandals that I was wearing the day I climbed "Afternoon Delight". Needless to say, my beloved Chaco's will be getting a good ol scrubbing tonight!
Looking down from the cliff at the bottom of "Afternoon Delight"

Hope your Thursday has been Poison Ivy free!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A Little Reward

"Candy, specifically sugar candy, is a confection made from a concentrated solution of sugar in water, to which flavorings and colorants are added. Candies come in numerous colors and varieties and have a long history in popular culture". This according to the all knowing Wikipedia.


I had been trying to think of an "after needle reward" and all that I had come up with was the movie that I went to see on Saturday...until today...my "after needle reward" is candy! For anyone that knows me this comes as no surprise. I love candy like a five year old loves candy and I must admit...it's rather embarrassing. I had a paper route when I was younger and the whole purpose of said paper route was to make money to buy candy. I'd collect my money, ride my bike, with the playing cards attached to spokes of my wheels with clothes pins, to the Canex (if you are a military brat like myself you know that this is the local store on just about every military base). So instead of riding my bike to the Canex, I drove my car to the store and bought some sweets!



Atomic Fireballs, Lemonheads and Skittles Oh My!



Monday, June 13, 2011

Gray Skies & Garden Gates

Why oh why does the weekend take forever to get here and then seems to be gone before we know it *sigh*

Today was filled with gray skies...makes Monday seem to much longer doesn't it?


There has been much progress in the Garden! Adam's fence has been doing a great job of  keeping out the critters but it was also making it very difficult to get into and out of the garden...especially while wearing a dress (I won't try that again) So...Adam spent yesterday afternoon building a gate and can I just say...what a cute gate it is.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Sometimes The Anticipation Really Is The Worst...

Operation "First Shot" complete!

The clinic called Friday afternoon to let me know that we could proceed with the first shot of Lupron after reviewing my blood work. My hormone levels were: LH:3, Progesterone: 0.7, Estradiol: less than 46...not sure what any of that means but my nurse assured me that they were all normal. So what did we do?...why we had a needle party! 




Adam was fantastic and before I knew it...shot was over! Yeah...finally feels like we are on our way. Second shot last night...easy. I celebrated by going out with a friend to see a movie..."Super 8"... Great fun!


Happy Sunday!




Friday, June 10, 2011

Party Time!

If you looked at me today you might think that I look a little wide eyed and terrified...but....make no mistake...I am excited...with a side of wide eyed and terrified!
Party Time by Jelly Koe via Etsy

Early this morning I had my first of many blood draws and I am just waiting for word from the clinic on just what my Lupron dose will be tonight. This is now beginning to feel a little more real and I have a feeling that the pace is going to pick up dramatically and that...well...that is both scary and exciting! To think...if all goes well I will be pregnant in less than a month!

I read somewhere on a blog a while back that you should decide on a post needle reward strategy... something to take the edge off.  This strategy should be consistent and preplanned. Have Adam and I figured out what that reward will be? No...we've never even talked about so before tonight's needle we'll need to figure that one out. I was also thinking that perhaps we could do a little "before needle dance" to to make us laugh but well...if you were at the amazing HelRon wedding you got a very real glimpse into just how awful dancers we are! On second thought....our combined bad dancing just might be the thing to help us relax and laugh a little.

Let's see how tonight goes shall we!


Thursday, June 9, 2011

Needle School & Gardens

This morning Adam and I had our medication teaching appointment and I must say, it went very well indeed. Thankfully last night there were no scary, injecting clown dreams but I still slept a little less than usual. IVF has been a scary and anxious journey thus far...that might keep a girl up at night! The nurses were great and very friendly and helped to ease our mind for sure. I go for blood work early tomorrow morning and then the needle party begins!


Picked up my Lupron...am I really ready for this? 


On a completely unrelated note....The Garden!
We actually have some strawberries!
Raspberry Row
Our very first eats from the Garden...yumm.Radish!
Some real progress
This is the front of the house and my contribution to making things look nice!
Pretty pick flowers that I bought, potted and very quickly forgot the name of!



Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Coulrophobia Is No Laughing Matter. Well, Maybe A Little.

A recent poll found that the top three most frightfully frightening things people are afraid of are spiders, needles and clowns.

Well knock me down with a feather!

Spiders and needles I understand. Nobody likes animals that have eight legs and yet can still sneak up and kill you with a single venomous bite. And needles hurt. But clowns?

I've never understood my fear of clowns, the irrational fear of middle-aged men who like to paint their faces and wear bright-orange wigs. As you know from a previous post, I don’t particularly like clowns...I’m afraid of them. They’re silly, I know. What’s the worst they can do? Throw a bucket of multi-colored confetti at you? Squirt water in your face with the plastic daisy they keep tucked in the over sized lapel of their polka-dotted jumpsuit? Repeatedly honk a giant bicycle horn in your ear?


You would think that would be the worst they could do but for some reason, in my wee little Janet brain, I have somehow attached this irrational fear of clowns with my fear and anxiety I'm feeling about our IVF cycle. In last night's dream some evil looking clown was the one coming to my house everyday to inject me with Lupron. I woke up in a sweat! 


Tomorrow morning Adam and I have medication teaching and Friday the needle party begins. One injection every day until the 16th and then three needles a day after that...perhaps that's where the dream came from...regardless...they must stop! 


If you're looking at this picture and having trouble breathing, you may suffer from coulrophobia, the irrational fear of clowns. Or asthma. This is a bad time of year for allergies.


Happy "Hump" Day!

Monday, June 6, 2011

An Important Announcement

Hear ye, Hear ye...The use of my iPhone is now off limits for anyone travelling in my car and this is why....

video

I should also seriously consider banning the use of my singing voice in my car as well!

Happy Monday!


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Lucky

I am a very lucky woman and this weekend reinforced just how lucky I am.

This weekend was the annual Bon Echo 101 - which is an oppourtunity to take new climbers out on the cliff to experince Bon Echo in all it's glory for the first time. I clearly remember my first weekend there...it was July 1998...wow, has it really been that long...anyway....I remember the awe, the excitement, the terror of that first climb out of the boat and I clearly remember how amazing it was. What was great about this weekend was seeing all of that awe, excitement and terror in the faces of all the "newbies". It was Great!


This was also perhaps my last weekend to climb outside for some time and usually this would make me very sad but...not this time...this time it was met with excitement and happiness. Why can't I climb you might ask....cause...we are in the midst of making a JaAdam wee one and that is exciting! My friends are as equally excited and that...well...that is just so very, very cool. I am surrouned by loads of love and support...I am lucky!





I am in LOVE with that place and I am in LOVE with my amazing friends!

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Je Suis Malade

It would appear that summer has made it's entrance...32C or about 90F for my lovely American friends and nothing but sunshine yesterday and today is looking like a repeat. I LOVE summer!

You know what I don't love...being sick in the summer heat...ugh! Perhaps I have a bad cold or the flu or Ebola..well likely not Ebola but I sure do feel pretty awful. High fever and feeling like I've been hit by a truck, the truck has then backed over me and then run over me again!

Get Well Soon Greeting Card by Hero Design Studio via Etsy
 On the upswing, I don't start my Lupron for another 10 days so I guess it's better to get this over with now then later.

Here's to hoping that everyone else is feeling fine and enjoying the summer sunshine!

Happy June 1st!
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