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Showing posts from April, 2012

Withdrawing

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That’s kind of what I’ve felt like doing lately. Why? Good question.

I think part of it is that there’s a lot going on in my little corner of the world, lots of upsetting circumstances, disappointments and heartache. Thankfully none of it is life shattering and I am always aware that...all things considered...I have a very good life indeed. I am fortunate and blessed and this is never, ever lost on me.

I tend to be the type of person who easily absorbs and is affected by others energy. That’s to say, that if I’m around someone who’s happy and has a great outlook on life, it will rub off on me. If I’m around someone who’s hurting and down, that will rub off on me as well. I also tend to be someone whom others seek out to talk to, to share with. And I do enjoy being there for others and helping them if I can. However, over the years I've learned that I have to keep some boundaries in place or else I will find myself completely drained and I’ll have nothing left to give. I…

One Year Ago

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1 Year
12 Months
52 Weeks
365 Days
8760 Hours
525,600 Minutes
31,536,000 Seconds

Who knew it took all those numbers to get where I am today!


Today marks the one year anniversary of my very first blog post and wow...what a year it's been! I won't lie to you...the first few months were a very lonely experience. Hardly anyone read it, practically no one commented, and my family was sick and tired of receiving emails from me with only links to my posts...but along the way...

I found my voice. I found my truth. I found myself.


From the absolute bottom of my heart I want to thank all of you for reading the (sometimes silly) musings I've been sharing with the world. You been right alongside me on this crazy little life I have and knowing that you all take the time to pop into my little corner of the interwebs to see what I have been up to...well...that means a great deal to me and for that I thank you.



Have You Ever...

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Have you ever been brushing your teeth, looking in the mirror admiring the beautiful individual standing there before you, only to think...
“What the frack is going on in this bathroom when I’m not in here? Is the toothbrush waging full scale war on the faucet and the hand soap?”

How does the mirror get so dirty? I’m not brushing my teeth with my mouth wide open holding my face as close to the mirror as possible...and I can only assume that is the only way to get such an array of spots. I stand a good three or four feet away from the thing when I’m brushing, I don’t run my thumb over the bristles of the brush in the sink (or ever), I gently lay it flat over the cap of some somethingerather so it doesn’t dirty up the counter because that seems to be another ridiculous mess-causer. I don’t shake my hands dry after washing them, nor do I windmill my arms and shake my head like a canine fresh out of the pool when I’ve exited the shower.

I am a clean individual dangnabit, and my bathroom loo…

Squish, Squash

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Turns out a mammogram is not as bad as I thought it was going to be. 
I was incredibly curious as to just how they were going to get enough of my wee AA's into the machine to actually see anything. Turns outs...there is a great deal of tugging, pulling and squashing involved but in the end they get what they need. Not a big deal at all. 
After the mammogram and ultrasound, the doctor came in and explained to me that I have a couple of cysts as well as a Fibroadenoma in my left breast...all of which are no cause for concern. They will however review everything and if anything comes up they will let me know but for right now...all is well. 
Have you had your mammogram?

Fear Of The Unknown

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My eyes filled with tears immediately upon waking this morning.

Today is Mammogram Day and I am sick-to-my-stomach scared. This is no routine mammogram – this is my very first diagnostic mammogram; ordered by my doctor following an examination of the lump I discovered in my left breast last week. First up this morning, I'll have the mammogram and then I'll have an ultrasound. 
I hope it's nothing, I'm sure it's nothing. It has to be nothing.

The truth is, I'm very much afraid. Not of mammograms or biopsies or examinations. I’m 36 years old and I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid that my luck may have run out. Let's face it...luck hasn't exactly been on my side lately. As my sister says "If it wasn't for bad luck, Janet wouldn't have any luck at all".

I am afraid.

But I’m also strong and resilient. And I’m determined to smile my way through my fears and tears.



Next Steps

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In addition to gathering all of the information about our lost embryos at our follow up appointment...we've also made some decisions on the quest for baby JaAdam.


We are taking a much needed break. 


Just a few months to rest, relax and generally enjoy life before jumping into IVF #2 (Cycle #6). This break is a long time coming! At this point, we've now been cycling since May 2011...my body needs a break! We'll enjoy the summer and start our next cycle in August.


We did learn that my FSH is a little on the high side at 14 (last summer it was 6) so we'll repeat as well as run AMH before starting our next cycle. It is possible for FSH to vary from month to month and I am hoping that's the case with me.  I'll be on the Patch Protocol which uses Estradot, Orgalutran, Puregon and Luveris. Does anyone have any experience with this protocol? 


For the first time in a long time...I'm feeling calm and relaxed about this. This break is a good thing. It'll give me time …

The Missing Pieces

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It's been a month since our disastrous frozen embryo cycle that resulted in our two remaining embryos being lost...one month...feels like it was just yesterday.


On Thursday, we had our follow up appointment with our RE and while I expected to get nothing out of this appointment (what really was there to talk about) I was wrong.  We finally have all of the missing pieces as to what likely happened with our embryo shipment and to say that I was heartbroken is an understatement.


Here are a set of pictures to help better understand why we lost our embryos...




Oh The Torture

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Jeans. A modern day necessity. Comfortable, familiar, versatile. Always the answer when you don’t know what to wear. And yet… Jeans. Are. Torture. It is nearly impossible to find the perfect pair. To find them, you quest. Hours, weeks, months…even years. You wriggle in to piles upon piles of different washes, cuts, styles. Boyfriend, weekend, skinny, curvy, boot cut, straight cut. Each more abysmal than the last. The wrong jeans can make you feel fat, lumpy, short, boxy, disproportionate or lanky. A single pair of jeans can make you feel like a Kardashian sister while the next pair will make you think your rear is flat. You can find a pair that fits your legs but won’t go over your hips, or a pair that fits your legs and gapes open at your lower back. Are your legs unusually fat while your waist is little, or vice versa? Pockets are impossible. Too little, or spread too far apart and your arse automatically looks 12 times bigger than it actually is. Some pockets are all blinged out w…

British-isms

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Sometimes I think North American English is limited. So, since I can’t borrow Colin Firth or Prince William, I'm suggesting we adopt more British words. Let’s face it, English, the language we speak, already shares a root word with England. Why not just take a few more?


Here then are some of my favourite British-isms.

Imported Word #1: Knackered
Meaning: Exhausted, beyond tired
Application: Back to work after two weeks and still not feeling 100%...makes meknackered.

Imported Word #2: Cheeky
Meaning: Rude, insolent, smart-alec
Application: My cheeky so-worker told me my hair looked like a fluffy puppy. No Friday donuts for him. Ever.

Imported Word #3: Whinge
Meaning: To protest or complain, usually in a persistent manner
Application: Me: “Hey, pick up the tools by the patio door (that have been there for three weeks) or the Vacuum Zombie is going to eat them.”

Imported Word #4: Dishy
Meaning: Attractive, beautiful, good-looking
Application: I was once dishy, but then I started infertility treat…

Please Pardon My Absence

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It was the Roman poet Sextus Propertius who is said to have given the world the first notion that absence makes the heart grow fonder when he wrote, “Always toward absent lovers love’s tide stronger flows.”

That his name endures in the canon of great poets more than 2000 years after his pre-Christ passing is remarkable, especially for a poet inept at composing even simple nursery rhyme.

My appreciation of poetry is sadly deficient and I admit when I saw the name Sextus Propertius my first thought was, man, I’ll bet it’s funny when they read his name aloud in high school English class. But his initial wisdom persists, as I am reminded whenever I return home from a jaunt (and or a trip & hospital stay).
It feels so very, very good to be home. 
Life, since we last chatted, dear friends, has been a massive whirlwind of activity, and yet also powerfully serene at times as well. The latter point, no doubt, comes from laying down each night in St. John's, Newfoundland under my Aunt's…

Friday Phone Dump

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I'm home.


Newfoundland was amazing! 


I'll get back to posting...I promise. 









Happy Friday. What are your plans for the weekend? 

The Rock

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Tomorrow morning I'm flying home to St. John's, Newfoundland and while the timing for this trip isn't ideal it  has been in the works for some time now and going just isn't an option! I'm meeting my Dad, sister Tina and my little brother Michael there and I must say...I am most excited about Michael going as it's been 24 years since his last visit! 


It's a quick visit (fly home Thursday) but it will be great to spend some much needed time with my Poppy who will be 89 next month. I need some good ol family time...it's good for the soul and my soul needs some goodness! 


I'm gonna get my Newfie on!



Home Sweet Home

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After five very long, very scary and very sick days...I am at home from the hospital...home couldn't be any sweeter!


Thank you for all of the lovely comments and support, it really helped to get me through what was a very scary time. To make a long story short...I had a UTI that I had been on antibiotics for. I was fine last Saturday and by Sunday morning the infection had spread to my blood and I ended up with sepsis (which is essentially blood poisoning). How it spread...we have no idea but there is some thought that the steroid that I had been on for my frozen embryo transfer had lowered my immune system just enough for the infection to spread. Looking back...perhaps the fact that we did not make it to embryo transfer is perhaps a good thing. Everything happens for a reason?


The one good thing about being sick...


Sick = No Fun At All

I'll update when I can but I've been admitted to the hospital with sepsis. Fun eh?

I'm getting great care and I'm sure I'll be back on my feet in no time. While I'm here I really need to find a way to get the lady next to me to stop snoring!

Hope you all had a great weekend.