Wednesday, January 29, 2014

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

One sneeze: Bless you. 
Two sneezes: Ugh, bless you. 
Three sneezes: Silence. 
Four sneezes: We'll never be as close as we once were.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Waffles, Baffles, Maffles

I'm craving in NEED. THEM. NOW. but I'm at work and unless they've recently added a waffle station...I'm outta luck. In the meantime...I will dream of waffles and all the things that one can do with waffles.

  • Make a castle out of them.
  • Throw them at people. Disco waffle Frisbee (Vine)
  • Play heads or tails. 
  • Start a game of checkers by conveniently putting syrup in only half the squares. 
  • One word: Air hockey. 
  • Disguise it as a pancake. 
  • Bite eyes and a mouth in one and use it as a mask. 
  • Give all your friends a motivational speech about the inequality between waffles and pancakes. I mean really. Why is it that pancakes always get better treatment?! 
  • Hand them out to people in the park. 
  • Go to the check-out at a store and ask if they accept waffles as a currency. 
  • Make a hundred waffles, sew them all together, and use them as a blanket. Or pillow. They both work. 
  • Make puppets out of them. 
  • Create a waffle sculpture in the shape of a turkey and show it off to all your acquaintances. 
  • Invent a way to be intimidating while eating them. 
  • Use them as a hairnet. 
  • Share them. Cause sharing is caring.

Monday, January 27, 2014

I Am So Freakin' Enlightened

I've discovered that sometimes your brain ain't your best friend. Self-discipline is really friggin’ hard. Especially when your brain chemicals are gushing full-force telling you to do something that you feel as though you cannot stop doing. I think a sign of strength and maturity is the ability to stop yourself when you feel the most like you cannot. Sometimes this test happens when we are in a lot of pain that we desperately want to get out of, and sometimes it’s simply when we are in the heat of passion or we really want that glazed donut. The secret to everything you wish you could do, or could make yourself do, lies in how you behave in those moments. Do you decide you are powerless or do you decide you are not? Well, the secret to changing a long set trait is being successful just once. Walking the other way, pulling the emergency chord. Listening to a tiny voice inside yourself and changing course when you feel like you can’t.

The enlightenment that I recently had in my own life is this exact realization. People talk about it often and it doesn’t do much to tell another person. “Everything is up to you.” Thanks. Well, I can now see that everything you do is in your power. The key is to get to that realization and be able to access that power when you need it the most. Just try as hard as you can to remember to take a new step in the face of this overwhelming chemical urge. You just have to use that emergency chord. Just pull it. 

Whatever it is...calling a friend, walking the other way, running the other way, having a one-gal dance party. Just remove yourself from that situation and you will slowly regain chemical balance. It actually helps to run or jump or get blood into your brain...maybe hang your head upside down. When my chemicals take over, it’s usually because I want something to medicate myself, or my brain IS medicating myself with endorphin of some kind and they are very overwhelming and or seductive. It’s like we often want to let ourselves be intoxicated, not responsible, not capable. But in the end we really don’t want that for ourselves, we just think we do. It always ends the same way...disappointed regretful “defeat” that was in fact in our power to avoid.

Simply...when you’re in a place where you’re feeling out of control, listen to that tiny voice that’s screaming in your head to maybe stop and maybe not do this. Then enact your escape plan, no matter how silly and weird it is. Mine is having a one woman dance party. It’s kind of inconvenient at times, but hey, it works. As my long-time voice of reason put it, “It’s like being in the same room your entire life and realizing there’s been a door behind you the entire time.” Profoundly huge realization.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

"When one door closes, another one opens" is an example of very shoddy housebuilding workmanship.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Do You Like It Hot?

Dear Sir (or Madam, but maybe wouldn't it be cool if maybe one day using “sir” it could really be anyone you are addressing, kind of like how it is on Battlestar Galactica? That is a great show. Do you watch the show sir? I recommend that you do),

I am writing you for a very important cause. A cause that I hold dear to my heart. That cause is to say Thank You. Thank you for inventing Hot Tamales. They are my most favourite of all candy, followed in no particular order by the following: 

Nerds (anything that is that colourful and cute and edible is genius)
Big Turk

But really Sir Inventor, I feel that you need to know that my love for Hot Tamales far surpasses my love for many other things, including the following (in no particular order): 

Yellow highlighters
Alarm clocks
Ballet flats
Kleenex (which I love a lot, especially the fun printed boxes)

This week I have purchased a pack of Hot Tamales almost daily (I say almost because my memory is poor and I think there was one day I did not buy one of these small packs, but I am not sure, therefore to preserve my credability I must include the word almost). Around 2 pm I seem to regularly develop a craving for those succulent cinnamon treats.

In the world of cinnamon treats, by the by, you win. Red Hots have nothing on Hot Tamales. Fire balls are overrated. Cinnamon Altoids are a joke. A joke!

I especially love Hot Tamales because sometimes when I am eating them they are so cinnamony they hurt and it is a strange sadistic experience. (Please note I am using sadistic in the least sexual way possible. That is to say, it is not always a pleasant experience to eat these Hot Tamales because they are so hot. But this makes the experience memorable and delicious. Thus it is sadistic. It is painful and awesome.

Sir I implore you to explain to me the idea behind your slogan “Get Fired Up!” It’s genius! I am so fired up about Hot Tamales right now. They are both fat and calorie free, and certainly, as your packaging informs me, a cinnamon-charged candy.

Sir, beyond giving thanks I would also like to offer my services. I would like to put this on the table: I would be so happy to be a quality control taste taster. I do not know if there is current need for this, or if perhaps you have control over this (maybe after your invention you moved onto other candies? Say, were you the inventor of Mike and Ikes? Is your name Mike? is so Ike? I bet it's Ike. Mike & Ikes are okay. Similar to Hot Tamales but less tasty.

If you have need for quality control taste tasters feel free to alert me of this need. I am ready and willing at your service to taste test and control quality. I know what makes a good Hot Tamale.

Hot Tamale South of the Border by Randall Photography via Etsy

Monday, January 20, 2014


There is such a thing as growing out of our baggage. When we go through a big change it can force us to see ourselves differently, or help us to realize something that has been hurtful all along. A sudden change in perspective gives us a gift in that we lose our blindness to many things that have become habit. It’s like hitting a reset button on ourselves, one that brings great opportunity for growth that might otherwise have taken years to arrive at.

This perspective change also comes from a dedication to personal growth. When we constantly work on ourselves and commit to attaining happiness, confidence and peace, we confront a lot of the pains that plague us, and with time, dispel them. Because we bond with certain people based on shared issues, when we grow things just won’t fit as well anymore. Relationships, social habits, even jobs or hobbies. Sometimes we find that we must move on, as the self we have shed was our only tie to this thing. It can be sad and confusing to let go, especially when it comes to people you love.

If it’s too painful to let go, it doesn’t mean that we have to say goodbye for good. There just needs to be an interim time of reestablishing new ways of relating to one-another. It can be awkward and painful when another attempts to relate to you in old ways. The most important thing to do is trust your gut when it’s telling you “ouch!” When you feel hurt, you feel hurt. When you feel uncomfortable, you feel uncomfortable. That is a reality and therefor you should respect and react to it. If something is not making you feel good, you shouldn’t make yourself hang around it. Do what you need to do to remove yourself from the situation, whether it means creating a diversion or creating an excuse. Until you’re able to do something without it bringing up painful feelings, it’s best not to do it at all. Once we gain a good amount of distance, we can better see things objectively and old wounds won’t feel so tender to the touch.

Personal growth and change is never a bad thing and should never be regretted. It’s about survival and deciding you value your life and your self enough to cease the things that hurt you. Remember that you need to first love yourself in order to properly love others. Only then can you identify and build relationships with others based on positives vs. negatives. To take care of and protect yourself is not selfish or petty, it is brave and enlightening. It is the path to seeing reality clearly, and making sense of the world around you. And when we grow and change often those we love will see it and follow. Other times, our growth will lead us to a new place that’s better than we could have ever imagined. One that rewards our health and helps us to thrive.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

I wish that if you stopped yourself from sneezing enough times you could shoot an energy ball out of your hand.That would be so cool!

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Oh Sugar Sugar

I was eating some Hot Tamales for breakfast (don't judge ☺), and I was thinking about candy. I know to some of you...candy may not necessarily be food, but to's one of the food groups on my food pyramid.

I love candy, I seriously have to slow down on eating. There are so many different flavors, from sweet to spicy to sour. It's just something awesome that you can snack on pretty much anywhere. You can suck on it, chew on it and bite it. It's something you eat when you don't feel like food or a snack. It's simply amazing.

I love you candy.

Happy Tuesday!

Monday, January 13, 2014

Bright Idea

I think we need a new word.

Sure, there are already a lot of words in the English language. Take 'umbilical', for instance. Or 'pepperpot'; that's a good one, too. I'm also a big fan of 'comely', 'lichen', and 'onomatopoetic' (this one is my should google it and listen to the correct it).

So, the thing is this...all those words I've mentioned, plus all the others that I didn't (since there's only so much space available here), don't really do the thing that I want this new word to do. And that's why we need the new word. There's a 'word gap' here. A semantic void. A lexical lacuna, a phraseological pockmark, a communicative chasm. A vocabularial vacuity, even.

In answer to your question, yes, I decided to tiptoe through the thesaurus while I was searching for words. This is what qualifies as entertainment for me these days. (I know, sad right? Weep for me, dear readers. Weep for me.)

Anyway, here's why we need a new's come to my attention that there's no 'independent' word that means 'not funny'. Sure, there's 'unfunny', and you can always say 'not funny', but these are just derivatives of 'funny', itself. Doesn't a concept so important and honorable as 'funny' (or, if you prefer: humorous, witty, clever, comical, entertaining, riotous, whimsical...) deserve its own antonym? Can't we spare just one more word for a good cause?

Think about it...all the other common, useful adjectives have their own opposites. If you're not 'well', then you don't have to be 'unwell', though you can be, if you want. But you can also be 'sick', or 'ill', or 'insane in the membrane'. And if you're not 'hot'? Well, there's always 'cold', or 'ugly', or simply 'not'.

But all 'funny' gets is versions of itself. Until now, that is. I, for one, am ready to stand up for my good friend 'funny' and lobby for a new word to mean...well, not it, basically. And I've given this a lot of thought. I've come up with a strategy, and some theory, and I've even got a word to suggest. That's right, I'm bringing up a problem, and then I'm fixing it. I'm not some Monday-morning quarterback, or backseat driver, or grimy politician, here. No, sir. I'm here to help. So help me help you, and hop on board the bandwagon. I've got a new word, and I'm determined to get it into the dictionary.

And that word... is 'yaffled'.

Yes, yaffled. Now, hear me out, here. See, I figure that the word that's gonna mean 'not funny' should, itself, sound a bit funny. That way, the unfunniness of whatever you're describing (soon to be known as its 'yafflehood') becomes obvious. If the thing's not even as funny as saying 'yaffleded', then it really is yaffleded.

(See, see? A word that tests its own meaning. How cool is that? I've only come up with one word, and it does double-duty.

Screw 'onomatopoetic'...lazy stupid word, anyway (even though it sounds really cool).

Anyway, get on board the yaffled ed train, people. Go forth and spread the yaffled word. It's not hard or anything. All you have to do is sprinkle it into everyday conversation, and soon enough, it'll stick. And you'll have plenty of chances to whip it out and use it.

When are watching a new TV show (we are afterall in the midst of some new 2014 TV) and it sucks, I'm just gonna turn to Adam and say "I could do better than this. This shit is so yaffled!"

To which, he'll no doubt reply (as usual) "What the hell are you talking about?"

And then I'll explain it to him, and we'll be off and running. 'Yaffled' will be born, and will start its slow seeeep into the collective consciousness. And you can say you were in on the ground floor, that you 'knew yaffled way back when'. So get out there now, and call yaffleed like you see it. Go tell yaffled from the mountain. Be the yaffled police, start a yaffled neighborhood watch, or start the League to Stamp Out Yaffleriety. Whatever. Just do your part, in your own unique way. Now that we have a name for it, we can start reducing the yafflehood all around us. And one magical day...we'll have gotten rid of it completely, and the world will be free of yaffledness for good.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Thursday, January 9, 2014

No Laughing Matter

I don’t know what it is about laughing when you shouldn't that feels so good. Unfortunately, this can draw unwanted attention and can be considered inappropriate, insensitive or even just plain rude. But sometimes, you just can’t help it.That’s why I’m here to give you some advice on how to get through this potentially awkward situation.

With a group - Let’s say you’re at dinner with some acquaintance. The pressure is on, you want to make a good impression but someone starts telling a depressing news story. I don’t know why but whenever someone says something sad, the first thought I have in my head is don’t laugh. And that just makes me laugh. A good option in this situation is to take a napkin and completely cover your mouth so no one can see that you’re laughing. You may even have to stomp on the ground a couple of times to hide the noise of laughter. Another option is to just shove food in your mouth. Really, anything you can do to cover up your laugh hole is perfect. A helpful tip in this situation is don’t take a sip of your drink. If you spit out said drink the chances of you being invited to dine with these people again are very slim.

By yourself - If you’re just walking by yourself and you get hit with a laugh attack, don’t worry, this one’s easy to handle. Just get out your phone and call someone, anyone. If you can’t think of anyone to call just pretend to call someone and laugh super hard on the phone. This may be weird but trust me, it’s a lot less weird to talk to a pretend person than to laugh hysterically to yourself.

Put on the performance of your life - Trying not to laugh when you feel a laugh attack coming on takes great skill, willpower and creativity. That’s why if you've got a flair for the dramatics and suffer from frequent laugh attacks, you are in luck. You’ll really be able to put your theatrical skills to the test. Pretend to cough, cry, sneeze, really any gesture you can do to cover up your laugh that is appropriate for the situation you’re in is fair game. For example, let’s say you’re giving a presentation about the catastrophic effects of global warming...feel free to turn that laugh into a cry. This will cause your audience to believe you’re extremely sensitive and compassionate.

Waiting - Another way you can dramatize your laughter is holding in your laughter as best you can until someone says something even remotely funny. Then laugh as hard as you need to, in order to get your silliness out. This comes in handy at such dinner parties mentioned before. The crying trick is also ideal for a dinner situation, since you have water on the table that you could easily use as tears. Just be careful about mixing the tears with the dramatized laugh, because people may suspect it’s all an act, or think you’re crazy and emotional. (Which you may be, but people don’t need to know that.) To avoid this, attempt the crying trick first, followed by the laugh and say in the most genuine way you can, “It feels so good to laugh again.” Then you’ll really be the life of the party because not only are you sympathetic, you have courageously triumphed over your sorrow.

You’re now prepared to handle any inappropriate laughing situation. Just please do not attempt to completely hold in your laughter, as this will only result in a laughter explosion that could cause physical harm to yourself, like a rupture of some internal organ, as well as causing those nearby to become unduly alarmed.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

State of Mind

Happiness is a state of mind that takes effort and commitment. We all have fleeting bursts of happiness at great news or successes, but sustained happiness as the resting state of your personality is achievable too. It’s not something that happens overnight, but if you decide you want to be happy, declare it to yourself, write it down so you know it’s true and then commit to it, it can be so.

You ultimately have the power to decide how you feel about something, and if you know you are attached to a feeling that you don’t want or need to have, you can work on letting it go. If you feel your brain is getting in the way of your enjoyment of life, tell it to stop. Decide to let go of that pain and change that habit. Being plagued by that “one bad thing” takes you out of the moment and robs you of your enjoyment of your life, which is not fair, especially when life’s pretty good. I’m the type of person (but working on it) that will be happy until one little thing goes wrong, then I decide that it’s all gone to hell. I let that commitment to my happiness fly out the window in a heartbeat and suddenly fixate on that one thing that is wrong or bad. It has to be fixed, eradicated and removed because it is the cause of my unhappiness. I decide this problem, no matter how small, is a true and valid source of worry, though I know in my rational mind that it is inconsequential and not the end of the world. The hard part is to get the rest of me to feel that way and to make it stop bothering me.

Something I've started to do in the face of things like this is to write a letter to myself or to no one in particular, spelling out that I would like for this thing to not bother me, and that I know it does not matter compared to the rest of what is good, and that I wish to let it go and be happy. I would like to let it float away in the wind, and for it not to hurt me. I would like to be able to enjoy the things that are good about my life, and to focus on those things and not the one bad thing. To show myself my true intentions in writing is somewhat to teach them to the muscle-memory of my brain. As soon as that thought comes up again, I remind my brain, “Let it go.” It cannot bother me anymore, it is out of my control and I want to be present and enjoy my life. Sometimes I have to get a bit sterner with my brain and literally say, “Shut up”, which with practice has worked.

If something is particularly upsetting or distracting, sometimes some breathing exercises are in order, the deep inhales and exhales that you listen to with all of your attention. Close your eyes, deep inhale in through the nose, deep exhale out through the nose, in calm and measured breaths. I recently started doing this and what I'm finding is that it helps to relieve the disconnectedness of the day, when you can’t quite figure out how you’re feeling and your emotions are all over the place.

It’s simple enough and I figured it was worth a try. My hope is to be relieved of caring about the things that I really don’t care about, the scratches that happen in life that seem to get so under my skin that they cancel out my sound, balanced, rational thought. Or even to let go of my own critical thoughts of something that I should for all reasons be happy about.

It’s possible and it’s worth it, it just takes a bit of work. My happiness is my decision and I won't give up on it because I deserve it. I've committed to it as a goal for keep it in sight and ask of myself for it to be true.

This is my goal for the new year.


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