Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Mixed Emotions

Tension is the pressure that slowly builds up around us and within us. It’s a pressure that begins on the outside, sometimes very far away, but it somehow finds its way inside us. At first it’s not perceivable, then we notice something but don’t quite know what it is. Then, as things build further, we know what is but want to ignore it. Then and after feeling things are mostly out of hand, we finally we admit to ourselves that yes, we are wound dangerously tight. Some of us are good at then identifying the problem and fixing things back at the source. If things are unfixable we find another controlled and logical way to release the stress. And some of us are not good at identification and self correction, so we just explode, usually after it’s too late. Either way, if we could at least detect the problem earlier, or at least see that there is a problem earlier, we could make things better in the end. Sounds easy doesn't it?

I am eight days away from embryo transfer number 3. My third transfer in 4 months. 

I have so many mixed emotions right now. I am excited for it to happen, but it's like the first part on the roller coaster that takes you up the hill slowly. The anticipation builds and you feel exhilarated and scared all at the same time - who the heck knows what is going to happen on the other side? Sadly I do know what can happen on the other side. We can go through all this again and end up heartbroken yet again. 

I am doing my very best to try and stay positive and optimistic. I've been visualizing myself pregnant. What will my pregnant belly look like at Valentine's Day, at Eater? I really didn't allow myself to do that the last two cycles. I believe in my heart of hearts that Adam and I, as well as my RE are doing everything that we can to ensure success but I find that doubt and fear and tension are starting to creep in. Today has been tough...I feel weighed down by the fear and tension. I need to find a way to find my positive mojo release the tension. Any ideas?

While I wait...I'll try, try, try to....

Be Positive by The Little Rice via Etsy

Monday, November 28, 2011

Liebster Award

Imagine my surprise and delight when I noticed that the lovely New Year Mum @ A Year On...Our New Beginning has awarded me with the Liebster Award. Thank you very much. It's means a great deal to me and I'm grateful.

This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Leibster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog. 

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

So, without further ado, here is my list of five links worth clicking. Give these blogs some much-deserved love.

1. Do I have to be a Dink?
2. Waiting and Wishing
3. Him + Me = Three? Maybe.
4. Babies, Balanced Translocations, and Being in my 30's
5. Baby Makes 2

Happy Tuesday!

Sheets & Giggles

Bright and early this morning I was up and off to the clinic for my ultrasound. As usual, there was a sheet on the exam table. The idea is to drape it modestly over your lower half while you're being examined.
I got undressed, picked up the sheet and prepared to swaddle it around my hips like a stylish sarong. But when I unfolded the sheet I saw that it had a gigantic head-sized hole in the middle!
It seems that on the weekends there's no laundry service, so the clinic quickly runs through its supply of sheets. By Monday morning, they have to resort to giving patients gowns to cover up with instead, the kind that function as a scratchy cotton poncho, entirely open at the sides, with no ties or snaps to close the garment.
It was early, I was about to be violated by the dilo cam for the hundredth time but I somehow managed to find the humor in this and could not stop giggling. The doctor came back into the room to find me red faced in a fit of giggles. 
Ultrasound showed that my endometrium thickness is 8.9 mm with a triple stripe pattern. Good news. 
I'll hear back from the clinic later today on when to start my progesterone and Medrol but we are getting close!
Today I feel positive.
Okay Positivity by The Anti Bride via Etsy

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Fancy, Smancy

If Morgan Freeman narrated my life, would it sound fancier? Cause Lord knows I really need all the help I can get! Otherwise, they might hire someone like Jeff Foxworthy. I prefer Dane Cook though… just cuz that would be much more fun!…in case anyone cares…??!?!

My life this weekend has been anything but fancy. It's Sunday evening and I have yet make it out of my pajama's! I almost felt bad about it but then I remembered that at 7:30 tomorrow morning I have a date with Mr. Dildo I am going to relax and enjoy my lazy day! 

Last FET my lining at the first ultrasound was a little on the thin side and our transfer was pushed back a week. I'm really hoping that doesn't happen this time. While I'm not looking forward to my Monday morning violation, I am curious as to what's going on in there. Did I tell you that Steve Martin looks at my hoo-ha?

Well sort of.  The doctor that does my satellite monitoring looks just like him so therefore it’s basically the same exact thing! Cool huh. Except my doctor’s sense of humor is probably a little less raunchy than Steve’s and he definitely takes himself too seriously. So instead of feeling guilty and lazy I'm going to relax and enjoy my pajama Sunday cause Monday will be here all too soon!

Relax by Green Sleeves via Etsy

How was your weekend?

Friday, November 25, 2011


Hello Friday...why did you take so long to get here? 

It's been a long week. 

Estrace is really starting to take a toll on my mood and emotions and well...let's be honest shall's just not fun. For Adam, and I or perhaps even for Adam's slightly ~ okay...more than slightly ~ brain damaged cat Brick and yes, his name really is Brick. What you need to know about Brick is that his name matches up perfectly with his level of intelligence. This cat and I have a love/hate relationship...I'm leaning more towards hate. Perhaps another day you'll pull up a chair and I'll share some of the "fond" memories I have of Brick.  

I digress...I've said over and over again that I would not let infertility and fertility treatments turn me into a bitter angry woman and that I would try my very best to stay positive...I'm trying, I really am but the past few days have been challenging. Regular Janet has gone away. I miss her and I hope she comes back again soon. If you see her, please guide her home and tell her that shes missed.

While I wait for her return, I think I'll have a bubble bath with a glass of wine (or two, or three, or...) in one hand a good book in the other. We all know that wine and books make everything better. Don't they?

I like Big Books by  ExLibris Journals via Etsy

If you need me I'll be upstairs neck deep in bubbles.

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Today was a bad day...
Tomorrow is a new day...
I hope tomorrow is better.

Tomorrow is Another Day by Hello Penny via Etsy

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Know Your Place Woman!

We women have come a long way from the "seen but not heard" era and we can now own a car and drive it. Alone. Yea, you read that right. Kind of a scary thought when women can be deliriously off during their period. They are an emotional bunch, think with their feelings. Loud too. Besides they never get the reverse parking right.
Their life cycle consist of them being born, grow up, serving the family especially the male family – father, brothers. Then, God forbid if they aged more than 21 and were still single. You'd have called them "Old Maid". Women must get married at a young age when their body is still young and able to produce sons for the husband to carry the family name. You cannot put ideas in women by sending them to school lest they come up with bright ideas. Bright ideas make them talk. When they dare to talk they would demand rights.
They don't have the right to their own bodies. It is always their fault when men can't control their desire when looking at them. Even if they were dressed covered from head to toe. They cannot control their passion. 
Geez woman….. don't you know your place?
*eyes rolling*
What crap.
My point of this post? share with you something that I stumbled upon last night from the 1950′s. Just how did I stumble upon this? Let it's better not to know. I have included the most hard-to-swallow ones here, mainly for a laugh.

*  Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed. Does bringing home Subway count? The foot long ham is his favourite dish!
  • * Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. ~ Ribbon's and makeup....frack that...I'm work-weary people! Perhaps Adam can put ribbon's in his hair and be fresh-looking for me.

  • * Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember his topics of conversation are more important that yours. 

  • * Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. ~ Define other places of entertainment.

  • * Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

  • * Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. ~ Smother him with his pillow...oh...arrange his pillow, my bad!

  • * Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember he is the master of the house and as such will always excercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

  • * A good wife always knows her place.

I did laugh till my tummy ached but I didn't roll on the floor though. I wore a nice black dress to work today so it would not do to roll on the floor and laugh. The carpet might snag my black stockings and that would be terrible. 

Monday, November 21, 2011

Mental Break

*Sigh* I really wasn't ready for my weekend in Toronto to be over. It was the mental break that I really, really need even more so than I even realized but here I my desk on a cold Monday morning. Clearly, Saturday and Sunday didn't get the memo that they were supposed to stay a little longer. 

My weekend was filled with laughter & tears, walking & biking, dinner & drinks, shopping & crowds but best of all...much love & friendship. I really do have the best friends and it was amazing to see everyone. I'm already planning my next weekend getaway and yes, I'll once again be taking the train and this is one of the reasons why...

Union Station in downtown Toronto...I love it!
This weekend was also my first adventure on a BIXI Bike and while fun it was also terrifying for a girl from the burbs who hasn't ridden a bike in many moons. I was happy to come away from that experience with all of my limbs and head still attached to me soft muffiny body!

We also braved the Christmas shopping crowds at the Eaton Centre. The Christmas decorations were stunning...the hordes of holiday shoppers...argh!

By far the best thing about Toronto are the many interesting people and for a people watcher like me...jackpot! I could have spent hours on the city streets just watching...

I LOVED this guy!

How was your weekend?

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Mmmmm Muffin

It’s not secret that since starting IVF treatments in June I’ve been “gifted” with a few extra pounds around the middle. I always knew what “muffin top” was but seeing as it was never something I had, I simply didn’t notice it on others. I guess the same way that before trying to fill my broken uterus, I didn’t pay attention to babies or pregnant women but what I have discovered is that they are everywhere! Now, I cannot help but notice that the amount of “muffin tops” I encounter in a day has grown exponentially. For those of you unclear on the meaning of the term , “muffin tops” have replaced what we used to call ” love handles.” They are everywhere, on people of all ages, and no longer gender specific. I cannot help but feel torn when encountering a “muffin top” of considerable size. I never know if I should applaud the owner of the “top” for having the courage to let it all hang out, or offer them a sweater.

Since being "gigted" I go to incredible lengths to conceal my “wobbly bits” and “muffin top”, multiply that with a vast array of other imperfections I would rather not put on display, and I pray it all equals a person who does not resemble a football player in Barbie’s clothing. I have sucked myself into more girdles, spanxes, and form correcting tank tops in the past six months than I care to recollect, all in an effort to save myself some unnecessary humiliation and some awkward stares. Am I the only person who thinks like me, or have people just stopped giving a damn?

What's the point of this you may be asking yourself...Well I don't really have a point but it did occur to me today while out shopping that high rise pants, jeans in particular, are rather hard to come by. Please someone tell me where I can buy a nice pair of high rise skinny jeans! 

'Muffin Pouffe' by Matteo Bianchi via Design Boom

Friday, November 18, 2011


  1. An escape or quick departure, especially after committing a crime.
  2. A fast start by a race car.
  3. A place appropriate for a vacation.
Tonight I'm taking the train to Toronto to attend the AGM for the Alpine Club of Canada - Toronto Section. Let's call this getaway a lot like number 3 as I'm pretty sure that while there, I have zero intention of committing a crime. Fashion crime, perhaps. Can you say muffin top, muffin top, muffin top? But clearly nothing serious enough to need to escape or quickly depart...I hope. Number 2 is out of the question, as I hate sports/race cars. I likes me a vehicle that is just a little more practical...boring I know...don't judge me!

More importantly, I'm going to see a very good friend of mine that I haven't seen in many moons and who I miss very much. There will be much language, behavior, or ideas that are absurd and contrary to good short...silliness!
What are your weekend plans?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I Remember

Last night we ventured out to the Reel Rock Film Tour and it reminded me of something that I had almost forgotten...

Before IVF I actually had a life! 

I rock climbed...a lot, I hiked, I saw my friends, I went out for dinner & drinks and didn't talk about my lady parts and their inner workings. I smiled and laughed till my belly hurt. I was happy...I felt alive. 

I've decided that I am going to claim back the life that infertility has tried so hard to steal from me. can suck it!

Mayfair Theatre...a very quaint special little place

Monday, November 14, 2011

And So It Begins

This morning I started Estrace in preparation for my frozen embryo transfer. I have a love/hate relationship with those little blue pills ~ Why are our womanly little blue pills never as much fun as men's little blue pills? Seems so unfair doesn't it? ~ I love that this signals the next step in my cycle and it gets me closer to transfer. I hate the side effects. 

Google Estrace side effects and you'll likely see some of the following...

  • Acne - Oh joy...I always enjoy when my wrinkly 36 year old face suddenly looks like a 13 year old wrinkly face. That third eye that suddenly appears and stares at me makes me a little uncomfortable. Stop staring at me!
  • Bloating of stomach - I enjoy sitting at my desk with the top button of every pair of pants I own unbuttoned so that my newly acquired muffin top can spread out in all it's glory. I've discovered that there is no containing the muffin's the boss. 
  • Breast pain or swelling - pain I could do without...the swelling on the other hand...I enjoy when my wee double A's become actual A's. Makes me feel all grown up. 
  • Depression or nervousness - and here I thought my depression and nervousness was caused by my inability to fill my broken uterus.
  • Hair loss - what? Guess I've never noticed this one...I do however have way more hair that any one human actually needs. The human head may weigh 8 lbs but mine's gotta weigh at least 12 when you include my hair. I wonder...does gray hair weigh more than brown hair? 
  • Headache (mild) - Clearly their definition of mild and mine are quite different. 
  • Increased blood sugar levels - I'm sure the sugar cookies I have been eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner aren't helping my blood sugar levels any. 
  • Loss of appetite - yet I still have an appetite for cookies. Hmmmm.
  • Nausea - never too nauseous for cookies.
  • Vaginal bleeding or spotting - always fun. I'll soon have to start buying stock in my favorite tampon company. 
  • Weight changes - Screw you estrogen and the 5 lbs you brought with you.  
Let the fun...

Begin Letterpress Print by Happy Deliveries via Etsy

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Resistance Is Futile

Today I was on a mission!

My last trip to the grocery store ended in failure. Failue was not an option this time. I'm happy to report that this mission was a resounding sucess. I resisted, I really did but what I discovered is that resistance is futile. I'm not afraid to admit that these ten little sugary cookies have such power over me.

Can you blame me?

In my defense...I did walk eleven kilometeres this evening in prepartion for "Operation Cookie"

That's a "I'm gonna have me some cookies" kind of smile!

Was your weekend "Sweet"?

Friday, November 11, 2011

Twenty Seven

In twenty seven days...if all goes according to plan...two of our sweet little embryos will once again be right where they belong, tucked in and snuggling in for the long haul. Please, please let this be our cycle!

I start Estrace on Monday and on Tuesday I'm booked in for an SIS, Saline Infusion Sonogram. I've not had one of these done before and seeing as I've had two failed cycles, it seemed prudent to schedule one before our upcoming transfer. I'm confident that everything will be as it should. I mean, I'm sure that if some alien growth had taken up residence inside my lady bits, I just might have noticed. It appears though that my expanding waistline is more likely caused by my addiction to those frosted, sugary pillows of goodness that I have been eating. Curse you cookies...why can't I escape your iron crasp? 


My job for the next twenty seven days is to take care good of myself, eat well - sadly, this mean no more cookies Janet - take my vitamins, get lots of sleep and keep my stress level down, down, down. I will strive to be on my best behavior. Am I ready to do this once again?

Hell Yeah by Scared and Profane via Etsy

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A Message

Dear Sweet Lil' Car, I miss you. I'm sure that the collision center is taking great care of you. Hang in there...  I hope we are reunited very soon.

I Miss You by Jane Heller via Etsy

Dear Insurance Company, I hate you!

Monday, November 7, 2011

A Love Letter

Dear Monday,

I love you. I love you so. Please be kind to me as Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday have been very unkind to me. I could use a little love!

Warm regards,
I love Mondays Print by Judy Kaufmann via Etsy

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Cookie Madness

I’m not sure I should admit this. Actually I know I shouldn’t… But I’m going to because I tell on myself all the time anyway.

I went for a walk yesterday – car still broken – I went to get two things: cheese and pizza dough. Which actually means I went for three things right? Cheese, pizza dough and more sugar cookies. So I get there, grab my cheese and pizza dough and then headed to the bakery section to pick up my cookies…. *GASP* They have no frosted, sugary pillows of goodness. No! This can’t be. I walk around the store for a while looking lost. Which apparently means that each and every Loblaws employee must ask me if I need help. Of course I need help…Helllllo!! “Don’t you have my cookies?” I ask the nice young lady behind the counter.

Not only does she not know what I’m talking about she tries to sell me some other cookies that are not, not, not the same. Look. I’m on a mish here and I only want “My Cookies” and if you can’t provide those please get me someone who can! Needless to say, my 5 minute quick-stop at the store for cheese and pizza dough turned into an hour-long fiasco. and in the end, I ended up with cheese, pizza dough and a store full of people starting at me like I’m a crazy person .

 I need those cookies and I need them now!

*Sigh* Perhaps they will have them tomorrow.

Sugar cookie with sprinkles by Mouth Watering Morsels via Etsy

Thursday, November 3, 2011


I wish I had magical powers. I wish I could use them to make myself disappear...just for a while. 

This past week has tested me like no other. I get up. I go to work. I do my job. I pretend to be happy. I pretend like everything is good. Pretending is hard work and I am tired. 

Please, please...infertility, hormones, car insurance, work, life....please leave me alone. I just need a little break. A little break to breathe and rest.

Please by Wire Animals via Etsy

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Embrace The Crazy

Trying to get pregnant is often depressing, and I can’t deny that there have been many times when I’ve felt like a complete and total failure. That’s where making fun of this whole thing has come in handy. Truly, with either the right attitude or the right glass of wine (or two), trying to get knocked up when the odds seem to be stacked against you can be rather amusing.
Here are just a few of the things that I have discovered while ingesting or injecting large amounts of hormones into my body in a quest to fill my broken uterus...
1. You will be entirely incapable of thinking in a rational or sane matter and even the simplest of tasks will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. Yes I know how to tie my shoes Jackwagon, I just had a momentary lapse and forgot. Thanks.
2. Your bowels will stage a strike on you. You know since all you need right now is to be extra bloated and miserable. Eating? No thanks I think I’m still digesting yesterdays breakfast.
3. You now have new frenemies where you don't want them to be hanging out. You thought your butt was a one-woman show but nope...It has buddies that now seem to be indefinite house guests that are taking up space in those once roomy favorite pair of jeans.
4. You will cry at every part of The Wedding Singer… Because you know, it’s just so sad…???? or at random commercials. Sad...I know. 

 5. It will send you over the edge when your favorite grocery store runs out of the frosted sugar cookies you have been craving for 3 days. Sorry sweet little bakery lady but honestly, who runs out of cookies 6 hours before closing time?
There’s lots more on this list and perhaps I'll share a few more later. In the meantime...
Embrace Your Crazy by Carolyn Gallo via Etsy
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