Mixed Emotions

Tension is the pressure that slowly builds up around us and within us. It’s a pressure that begins on the outside, sometimes very far away, but it somehow finds its way inside us. At first it’s not perceivable, then we notice something but don’t quite know what it is. Then, as things build further, we know what is but want to ignore it. Then and after feeling things are mostly out of hand, we finally we admit to ourselves that yes, we are wound dangerously tight. Some of us are good at then identifying the problem and fixing things back at the source. If things are unfixable we find another controlled and logical way to release the stress. And some of us are not good at identification and self correction, so we just explode, usually after it’s too late. Either way, if we could at least detect the problem earlier, or at least see that there is a problem earlier, we could make things better in the end. Sounds easy doesn't it?


I am eight days away from embryo transfer number 3. My third transfer in 4 months. 


I have so many mixed emotions right now. I am excited for it to happen, but it's like the first part on the roller coaster that takes you up the hill slowly. The anticipation builds and you feel exhilarated and scared all at the same time - who the heck knows what is going to happen on the other side? Sadly I do know what can happen on the other side. We can go through all this again and end up heartbroken yet again. 


I am doing my very best to try and stay positive and optimistic. I've been visualizing myself pregnant. What will my pregnant belly look like at Valentine's Day, at Eater? I really didn't allow myself to do that the last two cycles. I believe in my heart of hearts that Adam and I, as well as my RE are doing everything that we can to ensure success but I find that doubt and fear and tension are starting to creep in. Today has been tough...I feel weighed down by the fear and tension. I need to find a way to find my positive mojo again...to release the tension. Any ideas?


While I wait...I'll try, try, try to....


Be Positive by The Little Rice via Etsy



Comments

  1. I agree with pedicures or maybe a massage? With all you've been though and all you are going to endure next, you deserve it. Hange in there!

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  2. Such a great description of the lead up to a transfer... it's so hard to be positive on this roller-coaster but certainly worth it :) Pampering is a great idea :)) xoxo

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  3. I totally understand the roller coaster. I just felt uncertain about everything including how many to transfer then the day came and I felt calm about all the decisions, how we got here and how it will all turn out. I hope all goes well.

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