Thursday, January 31, 2013

Cue...Hissy Fit

Hissy fit - noun

A sudden outburst of temper, often used to describe female anger at something trivial. Originally regional from American South. Thought to originate from contraction of "hysterical fit."

example: She threw a hissy fit when she pulled out an OPK from the drawer last night.

This is exactly what I did. I'm not proud of it but I'm also not ashamed to admit it. 

Last night was cycle day 10 and seeing as we are once again going to give the "Sperm meets Egg" plan another go (It did kinda, sorta work last month) it was time to start using OPK's. I'm note sure what set me off exactly...but after pulling open that bottom drawer and ripping the package open...it happened....I lost it. 

I stood there for a moment...

and then...

I stomped and cried...

and cried and stomped.

That's right...I threw a big ol' hissy fit...and you know what? 

It was perhaps just the release I needed. This morning I woke up a little less angry, sad and frustrated. 

I might have even cracked a smile. 

via Zazzle.ca

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Window, FenĂȘtre, Ventana

I went for a walk last night to try and clear my head and relax a little (lately this has been so very, very hard to do) and I discovered something about myself that I believe I've always known but perhaps never wanted to admit...

I like to look in other people’s windows.

Not in a creepy way. I don’t stand outside all night long with binoculars. When I see a light on and the shades drawn, I keep walking (slowly). But I cast one long hard stare as I'm passing, memorizing every detail that I can.

I file it all away in my memory bank, building an archive of the way others live. Is that gentleman on the phone with his mother? His mistress? Probably his mistress. Is the blond yogi cooking tofu again tonight? Mrs. Blueroom is dating someone new, I see.

I also like to mentally rate each visible room’s decor. Bad red leather couch, Old Man with Walker playing piano. Little lady on Medhurst could benefit from an area rug. If the resident of house number 554 on the street around the corner is reading this...perhaps you’d like to consider reupholstry and curtains as well as wearing pants.

Mostly, I love discovering what others are watching on TV. I'm informally building my own little Neilson research study. So far, my extensive research taking into account over 6 homes in my neighbourhood...reveals that Canadians love the History Channel and hockey. 
If only HGTV became the most popular channel, I’d have a much more esthetically pleasing walk home.

La Fenetre Rouge by BLB Photografia via Etsy


Monday, January 28, 2013

Merci Beaucoup

Thank you for all of the lovely messages of support. It means the world to me...it really does. I'm grateful for the bonds of friendship that this blog has afforded me. How fortunate I am in life is never lost on me....even when I'm at my lowest low. 

I'd also like to give a huge thank you to Alexis over at Our Journey Through This Lovely Life and Lauren over at Your Precious Love for the lovely nomination for the Liebster Award. Ladies...I promise I will get to this! 

R & M who are very, very good friends (I consider them a part of our family) of ours also deserve a thank you. They made the trek from Toronto to Ottawa to hang out and spend the weekend with us. They were here to celebrate Adam's 36th Birthday. We had a great time. They have two lovely little goonies 7 and 9 years old and M is 32 weeks pregnant with her third. Seeing their goofy smiling faces and M's belly...well...it made me happy and it helped to ease the pain of losing my Nanny. I may have even smiled and had a little fun....


Canada Science and Technology Museum
Catalina and a warm fire kept me cozy as I waited for Adam to arrive home
 This morning I woke up determined to NOT let life get me down.

Life marches on and I must march right along with it.


Saturday, January 26, 2013

Life and Loss

My grandmother died today. Her pain has ended and ours has just begun. I was not able to be with her but I take comfort in the fact that my mother was able to be with her mother in those last moments. I'm going to believe that Nanny was able to hold her daughters hand and know that she was there with her and that through my mother, nanny felt the love we grandchildren and great grandchildren had for her. This is what I'm taking comfort in believing.

Since that phone call from my dad this morning, I've been sneaking off into a corner to cry and at times, the thought that I will not ever be able to see her again makes me desperate. Moreover, I can't shake off this feeling of guilt that insistently lingers over me. I wish I had spent more time with her when she was still alive, I've missed out on so much. I know that this is a part of life. I know this...but knowing this doesn't make the pain any less intense. 

I feel broken at the loss of another pregnancy and now at the loss of my nanny. I know that life isn't fair and that I just need to pull my shoulders back and march on. But....

I don't want to march right now. Right now I want to be held while I cry and Adam is not here to do that. Adam will be home tomorrow....I just need to hang on.

My grandmother died today. And with her death, ended her pain and with her long cherished memories, eased our pain as we passed from pain to love for her, for each other, for the person she saw us as.

I love you Nanny. 



Thursday, January 24, 2013

Drowning In A Sea Of Love

Have you ever dived head first off a cliff? Taken the plunge with full faith, in full flight, off a towering, rock encrusted precipice, hoping - trusting - that the warm, lapping ocean below will receive you and absorb you into it’s watery embrace...before transporting you weightlessly across the Sea of Love?

It seems like madness, of course, diving from a cliff top with no guarantee of anything to break the fall (other than potentially rocky crags). It’s something we’d never contemplate with a rational mind. Yet love, with her coiling tendrils, has a way of entwining herself gently around our otherwise completely sensible minds, stitching up neurological pathways while infusing her seductive hormonal cocktail of oxytocin and dopamine – altering brain chemistry - until she has such a firm grip on the so-called rational mind that she’s then able to effortlessly pop it out like a coconut, leaving nothing but an empty, furry husk.

After all, what place do logic and practicalities have when it comes to the utterly irrational cosmic phenomenon of falling in love?

And by the time we realise, it’s always too late. We gain semi-lucid consciousness one day only to find ourselves in so deep that we’re drowning, blissfully, in a deliciously frothy swell of hopes, dreams and expectations...the rough sketches of a joined future mapped out, with total disregard for coastlines and hidden reefs while safe, dry land seems to be drifting further and further away into the distance, too far to swim to…even if we still had the inkling to do so.

I've been drowning in the Sea of Love. I'm intoxicated on salt water...tickled by the chop. This last year of my life has been crazy, chaotic and filled with such stress but at the end of the day when I arrive home I always have Adam there to embrace and love me.

Even after all these years together....I still feel like I am drowning in a sea of love. I can't wait to share this love with a wee baby JaAdam.


It's Adam's 36th Birthday. Let's all wish him a Happy Happy Birthday!
I love you Adam.




Wednesday, January 23, 2013

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

If you don’t pretend you’re in a spaceship every time you walk through some automatic doors, you’re too mature for me.


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Will You Be My Duncan Hines Buddy?

Really? A dessert post? How lame am I? Wait...don't answer any of those questions.

I figured that after the last few gloomy posts...I needed a rainbow and lollipops kinda post to lighten things up and hey...perhaps the couple of peoples that took the time out of their very busy schedules to send me an unkind message and then promptly leave my blog will feel better. I mean...it's not healthy to hang onto that kind of anger man and desserts makes everyone feel better. Don't they?

Anywho...I have to confess something. I think I am addicted to brownies. Seriously! I've eaten so many variations of this silly dessert that it's a borderline obsession. Because I am a girl obsessed and I just can't leave them alone, I started stalking the Duncan Hines website. It's becoming a problem. But anyway...imagine my delight when I discovered that Duncan makes...

Caramel Turtle brownies
Chocolate marble swirl brownies
Chocolate peanut butter browines....
the list goes on! 

I was already drooling when I hit up the cakes and icing page. Oh, I should have turned away then but the eye of Sauron sighted the words....coconut supreme cake, banana supreme cake and then coconut pecan icing. I was practically leaping out of my seat with excitement. 

and then....

my dessert crazy brain thought "hmmmm...why haven't I seen these? Surely Galen Weston Jr. knows how much his loyal Loblaw's consumers love desserts" and then the horror of realization hit me...it's because they don't sell them in Canada!!! 

So my question is this...who would like to be my Duncan Hines buddy? You send me sweet USA only dessert treats and I send you some lovely Canadian treats and maple syrup.  


P.S. I'm aware that this posts makes me seem totally lame and desperate ..but that's okay...I already knew this about myself!

Monday, January 21, 2013

One Percent

Most of the time, in fact I would say 95% of the time I am quite happy and content. 4% of the time I am happy but my facial muscles don't tend to show this fact. That other 1% of the time yes I am feeling upset and sorry for myself. 

Today is a 1% kind of day. 

Given the circumstances of my current situation surely this is an acceptable deviation from the standard?

Early this morning, I awoke to the intense cramps and bleeding that I knew was signalling the end to chemical pregnancy number two. Mercifully  I was only a couple of days late so I'm grateful that this is not going to be a long drawn out process.

I have all these feelings about losing this early pregnancy and our struggle for baby JaAdam. I usually take these feelings and put them in the back of my mind and live my life because sometimes it feels like you can't actually deal with them and this is the best place to put them. 

To hold them there I sort of build a dam, mostly with anger and disappointment. This is held together in a sort of delicate equilibrium, it doesn't take much to damage this wall and cause some of this "emotion" to leak out. This morning the dam sprung a leak.

My body has betrayed me yet again and I'm angry.
I'm angry that it didn't happen over the weekend in the privacy and quiet of my home. 
I'm angry that on a freezing cold January Monday morning I have to deal with it.
I'm angry that I have to deal with it while sporting the eye of Sauron.
I'm angry that I have to deal with it while my boss is on vacation in Hawaii and I MUST be at work.
I'm angry that I need to deal with clients while losing this pregnancy.  
I'm angry that I'm expected to not be sad... after all...I was only a little pregnant.

I think that people just seem to expect me to be always happy. Whenever I am not so, then people don't really know what to make of it. I'll be better tomorrow but today...today I just need to be.

by Pati Home Decor via Etsy


Saturday, January 19, 2013

I Caved

Seeing as I'm currently feeling rather blue and as a result of said blueness and Adam's absence this weekend (he's winter camping...silly boy) I've been sitting on the sofa curled under a blanket since o'dark stupid this morning, watching movie after movie. Combine that with the fact that I have an eye that makes me look like a vampire...I figured that I would finally cave and watch “Twilight”. 

First of all, yes...I did read the book and I did know that essentially it was about a teen vampire falling for a normal teen. So I guess my first question is, was the film supposed to be hilarious? Because I think I laughed too much. My second question is why was 90% of the film tinted blue-green? Was someone unable to read the light meter? or what this just me? And I guess my most pressing question is…

Why the frack was the vampire in high school? Homeboy looked straight-up 25.

Look, I get that if Edward wasn't in high school then there would be no book/movie. But dude had Luke Perry syndrome. This occurs when a lead actor, who is supposed to be in high school, looks 30 by the second season. It’s like, "Why is Benjamin Button hanging out with those teens?"

Josh Hutcherson - looks like a teenager.
Robert Pattinson - looks like my dad.

Okay, okay... I'm kidding, he doesn't look like my dad. But he could easily pass for a college kid. So why go to high school? Or why not cast a dude who actually looks 17? When Kristin Stewart asked him, “How old are you?” and he said, "Seventeen" I laughed. Then when the sun hit him and suddenly his shirt was unbuttoned, Desmond in "Lost" style, I laughed again and then even more when in the next scene his shirt was suddenly buttoned. I guess Vampires are too sexy for their shirts, too sexy for their shirts, so sexy they sparkle and shine like they've been coated in glitter body lotion.

I have no problem with Twilight really. I found it amusing. I sure hope the sequel is better though.


Twilight Inspired Painting by Tree Pea via Etsy

What about you...have you read the books or watched the movies?

Friday, January 18, 2013

Funny Face Friday


I may be broken. I may be sad. But...I can still manage a smile or two  for Funny Face Friday! Please try your best to ignore the "Eye of Sauron" My apology...it's not very nice to look at I know. I'd like to send a huge thank you to Alexis from Our Journey Through This Lovely Life for the amazeballs mustache! Alexis sent me the best package of treats and I'm grateful for her friendship. Alexis is also going though a chemical pregnancy so please head on over and send her some love. 

Happy Weekend!


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Life Raft

I debated on sharing this. I know that there is always someone struggling a little more than I am. Someone that doesn't have the same kind of fortune life that I have...But in life I try my best to be as honest and transparent a person as I can be and you lovely people that care enough to check in with me here are no exception. 

In short...I'm hanging onto a life raft just keeping my head above water as the waves crash around me. I'm afraid that the next wave will rip the life raft from my grasp and I will be left all alone floating out into nothingness.  I am struggling.

A couple of weeks ago I posted about our plans to try the "Sperm Meets Egg Plan". It was a good plan. A plan I felt hopeful about. A plan I was sure was going to work.

It did work. 

I did get a little pregnant. 

I've been a little pregnant for a few days now and will be a little pregnant for a few more days. Mercifully, I do hope that it is only for a few more days and not any longer than that. If given a choice...I think I would choose to not get pregnant then to be a little pregnant. 

Chemical pregnancies...suck!

Was it my fault? What did I do wrong? I know I shouldn't be asking myself these things...the rational part of myself know this. The emotional part of myself however seems to have not gotten the memo. 

I feel hollow. I feel alone. I feel sad.

I know that this will pass. 

I know that we can try again next month. 

I know this...but it doesn't make it hurt any less. 

I also woke up to this...



Subconjunctival hemorrhage. Lovely eh. It will likely get worse before it gets better. I wonder if I got this from desperately trying to hang onto that life raft?

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Almost Wordless Wednesday

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, Shark, Help!!!"
I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Great White Shark sign by Castaway Halls via Etsy

Monday, January 14, 2013

Do You?

Let me ask you something...when you email people, do you use curse words in your writing? Weird question, I know, but a hilarious (maybe only to me) survey was recently conducted by an email aggregate, and turns out...lots of people swear in their emails. And, taking things a step further, said aggregate, clearly never ones to shirk their duties as "researchers", discovered which curse words were the most popular in email in 2012. 

Ready to find out?

The most frequently emailed curse word is shit. I want to say I'm surprised, but, really, I'm not. Shit's just one of those words people use completely haphazardly, whereas the second most emailed word - f*#k - takes a nanosecond of premeditation to use and, more so, to type. Shit accounted for 41 percent of all emailed cuss words in 2012, whereas f*#k accounted for 37. Damn came in third at 15 percent, while bitch only made up 6 percent of swear words.

They also found that the most popular emoticon of 2012 was the smiley face.

But this one ~  :)
Not this one ~  :-)  
which came in second. 
And the wink face - ;) 
it came in third. 

Oh, and dogs were the most popular animal mentioned in emails as well. Why these guys aren't working on the CERN supercollider is beyond me.

But back to cursing in emails. What are your thoughts on it? For me, I'm mixed. I rarely, almost never, okay fine, maybe once cursed in a work email. And in personal emails, it depends. If it's a group email between friends, yeah, sure, I'll drop an f-bomb in there, but if it's someone I just met, I probably wouldn't...where I would maybe curse in front of them, depending on the situation. It just seems so much more ...vulgar when typed. Like, you have to take the time to spell it out and whatnot.

All this said, though, I'm not gonna lie...I love curse words. I know it's a filthy habit, but one I have a hard time kicking. They make me laugh, and sometimes they're the only way to really be emphatic about something, you know?

So, yeah. I really don't know what else to say about this. I like cursing. Pretty cut and dried. Oh, I guess here's something to add...Have an awesome fracking day! Peace!

Do you curse in emails?

Beautiful Swear Words via Onelargeprawn
P.S. Today is 9dpo 

Friday, January 11, 2013

Funny Face Friday

I wish that I was in Hawaii instead of the land of snow and ice! Have you ever been to Hawaii?


Thursday, January 10, 2013

Adoption...The Cat Kind

In November, Adam's cat Brick died at 14. It was sad. We miss him. I did not however think that we were ready for another cat just yet...until...going back to work after the holidays and coming home to an empty house every evening. It was time. 

We had been on the lookout for someone giving kittens away and this proved much more difficult that I expected and I also was increasingly unhappy with the vibe that we were getting from these ads/people. So...we decided to go and "visit" the Ottawa Humane Society. The important word here is "visit" I in no way intended to adopt then and there, much less a cat and not a kitten. 

The Ottawa Humane Society to put it quite simply...is amazing. We were very impressed by the calibre of people working there and the level of care that they provide. Ottawa is lucky to have them and I can't say enough good things about them! Please go visit their website. You too will be impressed. www.ottawahumane.ca

Long story short...last night we brought home a beautiful 2 year old, tiny little girl that we named Catalina. 



Do you have pets?


Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Hide & Seek

Remember when...

Not so long ago...back in the day when it was not unusual for neighbourhood kids to gather together and literally "play games", the one that was quite popular was "Hide and Seek". I wonder which part did you like better. I suppose it was the "hiding" part, right? I myself hated those times when I got to be the "It" especially when I end up doing it for several rounds. I just couldn't figure out where those rascals were. Obviously, the "hiding" part was the best one. You agree? We became so creative in finding those tight places the "It" would most likely not figure out!

What is so intriguing about this "Hide and Seek" game is that it has actually ceased to be a mere child’s game. Full grown adults have not outgrown this game; it has become so much a part of their nature; the "hiding" part especially.

What's the point of all of this you may be asking yourself? Well...

It's International De-lurking Week, which comes each year on the second week of January (or the first full week of the month). It runs this year from the 6th until the 13th, so you have six days left to leave the comfort of the reading closet and check in with an "I’m here" comment.

It is fairly easy. Leave a comment in the comment section below admitting that you’re here. You can simply raise your hand and quietly admit that you’re here with a simple, one-word "here" comment...or you can proudly raise your hand and tell me a bit about yourself.

I'm guilty of "hiding" more often than not on a lot of blogs I check in on so I'm going to strive to do less hiding and more seeking.

Hide and Seek...Quite a game, indeed!


via leskimo

Monday, January 7, 2013

Que Sera, Sera

Over the last year, I have periodically come across the "Sperm Meets Egg Plan" as a method of getting pregnant. We now know that my tubes were blocked so "Sperm Meets Egg Plan" was never an option. IVF was our only shot at conceiving baby JaAdam. That was until...we changed clinics, lost our last two embryos in shipping and began to take a much closer look at things. It's amazing how a fresh set of eyes can change everything. After some additional testing it was decided that surgery to open my tubes was our best chance at getting pregnant so November 1st 2012, I had said surgery that resulted in two beautifully open tubes!

Now making that baby was up to Adam and I alone. This was both exciting and scary. For months every cycle, every try had been timed and managed down to the smallest detail. We had the okay to start trying in December and we did but not all that faithfully. You see...I was terrified of a repeat of last Christmas. You know the one. The one where we found out I was pregnant after FET #2 on the 21st and found out the morning of the 24th that I was going to miscarry. It was a Christmas that I'd never, ever care to repeat.

That brings us to this month. The month to seriously give this "Sperm Meets Egg Plan" a go.

Here's the low-down ...It is a combination of doing the deed every other day and using ovulation predictor tests. Each time I have come across it, there is always the short plan and long version. Here's the gist...

  • "Try" every other night starting Day 8
  • Buy 10 ovulation predictor kit sticks Begin ovulation testing on Day 10
  • When test is positive, "try" that night, plus two additional nights in a row Skip one night, then do one last "try"
  • Take a home pregnancy test 15 days after your ovulation test was positive, if your period has not begun.
  • If your ovulation test never goes positive, continue "trying" every other night until Day 35, then do a pregnancy test if your period has not begun.

Cycle day 14 I had a positive opk. We've followed the plan to a tee and here I am 2dpo. 

What will be, will be and I've accepted that I have no control over the outcome and you know what? For the first time in a long time...I'm at peace with this.



Thursday, January 3, 2013

CMYK

I stopped at Walmart on my way home to pick up an ovulation test kit and I happened across a display promoting these...


This scenario for a commercial popped into my head...

“I call purple!” is surely a line of dialogue for when they said commercial for these fun tampons. It will likely feature four 13 year-old girls running toward the box of tampons like it’s a box of One Directioners. Each girl will wear the color of the tampon they’ll be racing towards. These girls are stylish and the tampons are, too! I predict texting and laughing and Yellow Girl teasing Hot Pink Girl about Harry. But in the end, it’s just that. Teasing. Because these four girls are besties. Besties with style. And they’ve got the tampons to show it. They’ll protect each other just like these tampons will protect them.

Things that are actually written on this print ad...

  • Great protection just got better looking.
  • Introducing this season’s hottest colors from U by Kotex.
  • Break The Cycle.
 Things that I would like to add to this print ad...
  • These tampons look like popsicles.
  • The inside of your vagina will thank you for adding some color to its life! 
  • Pictured L-R: Miranda, Samantha, Carrie & Charlotte.
I like colorful stuff, you guys. I also like style. But I don’t want someone to ask me if they can borrow a tampon and someone else to ask me if they can borrow a highlighter – and be able to hand over any one of these for either occasion.

I'm thinking you don’t have to convince girls to buy tampons. They’re a necessity so this ad seems rather unnecessary to me.

Or...

Maybe this is genius. Just maybe it makes cramps feel a bit more cool and hip. 

Look, I get it. There are a few different brands in the tampon game. Did I write this post so I could say, “in the tampon game”? Hell. Yes. Kotex is definitely one of the major players. Needless to say, there a few different companies (Kotex, Playtex, Tampax) and I understand that there’s competition and as with all brands, you need to find a way to sell more of yours than they do of theirs. It just amuses me to no end that they’re designing something that when you actually use it, you don’t see it at all. I didn't go to Medical School, but I can confidently tell you that if you do see the colorful tampon when you actually use it, you’re using it wrong. I get frustrated when companies dumb girls down and think we’ll go for the hip tampons that look like they might or might not be a pack of Tropical Lifesavers. And then I get even more frustrated when a big part of me knows that many girls will absolutely buy these.

Advertise about improved comfort. Advertise that due to a new design, they’re now more effective. But neon for the sake of neon, not because they are pretty colors.

Full disclosure: perhaps soon I will be buying these Party ‘Pons. Because I want to hang with the cool girls. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.


This is what my font and back yard looks like...that's a lot of snow!


Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Bring It

Well the sun has risen and set on this glorious New Year, again filled with possibilities. What will I achieve with the next 365 days?

I believe the New Year is not a force by itself. It is a catalyst and we ourselves apply the force. For better or for the same as last year we drive the change in our lives. Look for what you want, not what you want to be free of. Help yourself, don’t rely on other people or a mystical force to do it all for you, yet be open to perceptions that may guide you.

As I did last year I intend to start the year with a series of goals in mind. Some goals that I made this time last year, I met...others I did not but you know what? That's okay. I've learned that beating myself up over not meeting my own personal expectations does me no good at all. I am going to train myself to be better at letting things go. I hold on to feelings, thoughts and possessions that no longer serve me as I am now. This year I will learn to effectively release these things back into the world with joy and love. Allowing the possessions to simply leave and be used again if possible but to depart regardless of their destination. I will endeavor to enter each new day free of any influences that may lead me to prejudge what is to come.

Here's a sampling...

I would like to attain more balance in my life. Balance between work and life, balance between physical and spiritual, balance between what I would like for me and what I do for others. Balance is another key to maintaining the wonderful positive outlook I have tried to adopt and nurture. Again I have many wonderful friends that help mirror this back to me and those that don’t yet mirror it can only continue to see the example I set.

I will nurture my courage. The courage to do things rather than avoid them. To take the path I would like to take rather than opt for the easy option. I did this last night by going to a friends house to welcome in the new year rather than simply stay at home where I had already nested for the evening and even though I left said evening feeling hurt and frustrated by a strangers words in regards to the quest for baby JaAdam (more on this later) I am glad we went.

Come on 2013. I'm ready for ya. Bring it on!



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