Life Raft

I debated on sharing this. I know that there is always someone struggling a little more than I am. Someone that doesn't have the same kind of fortune life that I have...But in life I try my best to be as honest and transparent a person as I can be and you lovely people that care enough to check in with me here are no exception. 

In short...I'm hanging onto a life raft just keeping my head above water as the waves crash around me. I'm afraid that the next wave will rip the life raft from my grasp and I will be left all alone floating out into nothingness.  I am struggling.

A couple of weeks ago I posted about our plans to try the "Sperm Meets Egg Plan". It was a good plan. A plan I felt hopeful about. A plan I was sure was going to work.

It did work. 

I did get a little pregnant. 

I've been a little pregnant for a few days now and will be a little pregnant for a few more days. Mercifully, I do hope that it is only for a few more days and not any longer than that. If given a choice...I think I would choose to not get pregnant then to be a little pregnant. 

Chemical pregnancies...suck!

Was it my fault? What did I do wrong? I know I shouldn't be asking myself these things...the rational part of myself know this. The emotional part of myself however seems to have not gotten the memo. 

I feel hollow. I feel alone. I feel sad.

I know that this will pass. 

I know that we can try again next month. 

I know this...but it doesn't make it hurt any less. 

I also woke up to this...



Subconjunctival hemorrhage. Lovely eh. It will likely get worse before it gets better. I wonder if I got this from desperately trying to hang onto that life raft?

Comments

  1. Oh shit Janet, I was hoping that I was not understanding something when I started to read this . I could say something like, well at least you got pregnant the first shot post surgery but that would be like a slap in the face. I just hope the clinic can shed some light on this.

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  2. I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time right now. I'm praying for you. I know there is not much anyone can say to make it better right now, but just know you are in my thoughts.

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  3. I am so sorry. Sending you lots of hugs.

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  4. I was also hoping I was misreading your post today. I am sorry Janet :(

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  5. A huge hug from Blighty. I am so sorry.

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  6. I'm so sorry. I would also rather not be pregnant at all than a little bit. The "little bit" sucks.

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  7. oh, im sorry sorry. i agree, the little bit sucks.

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  8. oh no! so sorry to read this - that just plain stinks, and I hate it. hope you heal quickly.

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  9. You may have a good life and pull funny faces but lady you totally deserve a baby. I'm really sorry.

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  10. I hate reading this, CP's are SOOO stupid! I am with you I would rather not even know! and your eye...I had the SAME thing happen a few months ago! I think it took 2 weeks to completely fade! Boo! Think about you :)

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  11. Being a little pregnant is so horribly painful - such a cruel joke for the universe to play. I'm so sorry you have to suffer through this.

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  12. I'm late to chime in here, and I haven't experienced this, but all I can say is I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What a terrible, twisted joke that nature is playing on you, with your eye and the chemical. I am so so sorry. I wish I had some inspiring way to twist it around but, I don't Wait it out and take care of yourself, I guess. Thinking of you....

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  13. hey - I read this forever ago and am just now making it to a real live computer where I can comment on blogspot blogs. I am so sorry janet. I too would rather not be pregnant than a little bit pregnant - a little bit pregnant is total shit. there is no plus side whatsoever, just hope and then horrible disappointment. I am so sorry, I hope next month brings better news.

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