One Percent

Most of the time, in fact I would say 95% of the time I am quite happy and content. 4% of the time I am happy but my facial muscles don't tend to show this fact. That other 1% of the time yes I am feeling upset and sorry for myself. 

Today is a 1% kind of day. 

Given the circumstances of my current situation surely this is an acceptable deviation from the standard?

Early this morning, I awoke to the intense cramps and bleeding that I knew was signalling the end to chemical pregnancy number two. Mercifully  I was only a couple of days late so I'm grateful that this is not going to be a long drawn out process.

I have all these feelings about losing this early pregnancy and our struggle for baby JaAdam. I usually take these feelings and put them in the back of my mind and live my life because sometimes it feels like you can't actually deal with them and this is the best place to put them. 

To hold them there I sort of build a dam, mostly with anger and disappointment. This is held together in a sort of delicate equilibrium, it doesn't take much to damage this wall and cause some of this "emotion" to leak out. This morning the dam sprung a leak.

My body has betrayed me yet again and I'm angry.
I'm angry that it didn't happen over the weekend in the privacy and quiet of my home. 
I'm angry that on a freezing cold January Monday morning I have to deal with it.
I'm angry that I have to deal with it while sporting the eye of Sauron.
I'm angry that I have to deal with it while my boss is on vacation in Hawaii and I MUST be at work.
I'm angry that I need to deal with clients while losing this pregnancy.  
I'm angry that I'm expected to not be sad... after all...I was only a little pregnant.

I think that people just seem to expect me to be always happy. Whenever I am not so, then people don't really know what to make of it. I'll be better tomorrow but today...today I just need to be.

by Pati Home Decor via Etsy


Comments

  1. You have every right to be upset and angry right now! Just want you to know I am thinking about you.

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    Replies
    1. That means the world to me. Thank you Toni!

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  2. I am mad mad mad mad for you. This is NOT FAIR. I am so sorry my dear friend.

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  3. I'm sorry it's a bad day, and that your going through this. I'm thinking of you today, and hoping tomorrow is a bit brighter.

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  4. It's such BS! I want to come throw rocks with you and kick things! Your in my thoughts and prayers today! Sending much love!

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  5. I'm sorry that your dam broke today :( It really sucks when you don't even feel like you have the right to feel sad. There may be such a thing as being a "little bit pregnant", but there is no such thing as feeling only a little bit sad about it. I'm thinking of you.

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  6. Oh sweetie. A "little bit pregnant" doesn't equal "a little bit sad." Sending hugs your way. I'm so sorry, my dear. I hope you at least got to go home early. Screw Hawaii.

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  7. Good for you to put it out there. 1% is really not that bad. I'd be happy with 1%. And damnit, you're validated in feeling everything you feel today. Should have called in sick. And it wouldn't have been a lie. Take care of yourself....

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  8. Sorry you are feeling down today but it is totally justified. A little or a lot pregnant doesn't matter, losing it does, and it totally sucks! Not fun having to pretend and deal so much today.

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  9. So sorry you're going through this. Sending virtual hugs to you. xoxo

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