Life and Loss
My grandmother died today. Her pain has ended and ours has just begun. I was not able to be with her but I take comfort in the fact that my mother was able to be with her mother in those last moments. I'm going to believe that Nanny was able to hold her daughters hand and know that she was there with her and that through my mother, nanny felt the love we grandchildren and great grandchildren had for her. This is what I'm taking comfort in believing.
Since that phone call from my dad this morning, I've been sneaking off into a corner to cry and at times, the thought that I will not ever be able to see her again makes me desperate. Moreover, I can't shake off this feeling of guilt that insistently lingers over me. I wish I had spent more time with her when she was still alive, I've missed out on so much. I know that this is a part of life. I know this...but knowing this doesn't make the pain any less intense.
I feel broken at the loss of another pregnancy and now at the loss of my nanny. I know that life isn't fair and that I just need to pull my shoulders back and march on. But....
I don't want to march right now. Right now I want to be held while I cry and Adam is not here to do that. Adam will be home tomorrow....I just need to hang on.
My grandmother died today. And with her death, ended her pain and with her long cherished memories, eased our pain as we passed from pain to love for her, for each other, for the person she saw us as.
I love you Nanny.