Tuesday, April 30, 2013

(Late) Weekend Recap in Pictures

Saturday morning wine bottling. We may or may not have consumed more than a bottle of this  by the end of the weekend.
Food tour to St. Lawrence Market, Evergreen Brick Works, Kensington Market & The Distillery  District

A four course cheese dinner at Cheesewerks. Tina is just entering her cheese coma in this picture, mine soon followed
I made friends with a mime in Kensington Market...the conversation was very one sided

I met Rob & Michelle's perfectly beautiful 5 week old daughter Athena. She has the cutest little nose and mouth...perfection in a 10 pound package!
I acted a fool...as usual
My sister and I

 The weekend was just what I needed...I came home feeling calm and relaxed. Come on life...bring it!


Friday, April 26, 2013

Just Friday

This was me all week after enduring another early pregnancy loss (third in five months but this was was the toughest as this was the one that lasted the longest) and the loss of a big contract at work...


This is me today. Going to spend the weekend with my sister. Food tour, dinner, hotel, manicure, pedicure, massage and Monday off...


What are your plans for the weekend?


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Some of my proudest moments have been when a website told me my password was "Very Strong."



Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Comentario

Once upon a time, back when I first started my blog, I kicked ass at leaving comments on other blogs and I would always reply to comments I would have on my site. After awhile I got what I like to call comment constipation. Yeah, ewwww. I know...I'm sorry.

I want to comment, I love to comment, but no matter how hard I try, nothing comes out.

Sidenote...I can’t believe I compared my inability to comment to constipation.

Anyway, I do read several blogs but then when I look at the comment section, I freeze up and think agggghhh, what the hey should I say without sounding so lame?

Sure, I say some of the dumbest crap-ola on my own blog but that’s different. There’s also a lot of times when everyone who’s commented on someone’s post has said pretty much everything that I was going to say. So, then I’m left with my 3 options; "LOL" or "Hahaha" or "So sorry, that sucks" or (((HUGS))

If there’s more that I feel I need to say in my comment, it’s like my brain liquifies and I just skip making a comment. But I’m getting better. I’m back to reading and discovering more blogs and pushing myself to comment no matter how lame I may sound.




Monday, April 22, 2013

Attitude of Gratitude

I have to admit that for the last few days, week, I've felt like I was walking around with a little dark storm cloud over my head. Sometimes it can be really difficult to shake yourself out of that place, that place where you wish you had a pair of noise-cancelling headphones attached to your noggin at all times to block out the world. 

I would like to blame it all on hormones, on recent world events, or maybe a dark moon is coming…but ultimately, we have to take responsibility for our own moods. Your mood is a choice, & you own your attitude. Some people say, “She totally ruined my mood” or “My day is totally wrecked now”, but no. When we say this, we give away all of our power. Do you really want to allow someone else to dictate the happiness quotient of your day?

We are in charge of our lives & our moods, even - especially - when we think we aren't.

Along with that little dark cloud, I've been surly, moody & unpleasant. That was until...I ran into a rock climbing friend and her husband at the grocery store...a couple of months ago they had beautiful baby girl. As I stood there, congratulating them while gazing at that sweet little face, that little voice in the back of my mind whispered...

 “You need to put more gratitude in your attitude”. 

This reminded me that gratitude is so important. Gratitude for the things that I do have in life. Gratitude that I am able to get pregnant (even if for just a short time). Gratitude for the health and safety of my loved ones. The list goes on and on. I have a lot to be grateful about.

While it’s easy to be thankful & appreciative of what we have when life is going well, it’s those days where things feel like they are falling down that we REALLY need to practice it. It’s more difficult, yes, of course. But it also brings enormous rewards.

So, if you can, take a few minutes today to think about what you’re really & truly thankful for - I know I will be. I promise you that if you can come up with ten things (& we all can), your mood will improve so much!


FYI - Period is now 5 days late, negative digital.

Friday, April 19, 2013

No Funny Face Friday Today

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming,  unsettling sense of sadness and please forgive me...but I just cannot bring myself to post my usual Funny Face Friday.

I do think though, that I've identified the source of the struggle, what's causing me to walk around with a short circuit. It's just weight. It's extraneous stuff. It's real and imagined, it's physical and emotional and philosophical. It's the way stuff builds up over time, like plaque, innocent and natural and harmful, and it's heavy.

Sadness that my period is two days late and the test I took this morning was very negative.
Sadness for what is happening in Boston and Texas. Such destruction and heartache.
Sadness that I'm unable to being a new life into this world. 
Sadness that I might bring a new life into this mad, crazy and scary world.

There's no simple solution to something so vague and omnipresent.

via Wallpapersdb.org

Normally I'd try and talk myself out of this...but today...today I am just going to let it be.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Checklist

Busy? Check
Overwhelmed? Check
Stressed? Check
Emotional? Check

But...


Everyone one of your loving thoughts, comments and gestures are reminders I get to take a deep breath, smile, laugh, move forward, appreciate. Adam, friends, and family do a pretty good job, too.

Lucky? Check
Blessed? Check
Loved? Check
Grateful? Most definitely



Monday, April 15, 2013

Sink Hole

I feel like I've been swallowed by a sink hole. It's deep, it's dark, I can't see...can't breathe.

1,126.163 days ago, I entered the surreal world of infertility. Tubes were checked, sperm were counted, hormones were graphed, ovulation test sticks were peed upon, powerful drugs were taken, both orally and by injection. Embryos were created, embryos were lost. Major surgery was had...all in the quest for a baby.

Six months ago, I was confident that enduring major surgery was going to be the answer to our woes.

I was wrong.

You know that you're reaching rock bottom when you say with great weariness "Honey, we have to have sex tonight" and you both approach it like some grim chore, not much more pleasant than cleaning out the litter box.

Still, that was better than lying on a table under flourcent lights with your thighs in stirrups trying to think pleasant thoughts, while a catheter containing your embryos is inserted into your uterus in the hopes that it will stop being hostile long enough to let at least one of them to settle in and take up residence for the ensuing nine months.

Then there was the waiting. A couple of weeks of grossly inflated hopes, trying to convince yourself that this would be "the one" that took...only it never was.

We may not be doing medicated cycles, but for the past 6 months we have been trying...really, really trying...and the waiting...well that's still the same.

January...we waited. There were a few days of positive home pregnancy tests...followed by a few days of negative tests...followed by my period. February, more of the same. April...well looks like it wants to follow in the footsteps of it's older friends, January and February. Only...I thought this was the month...this was "the one" that took. I allowed a few positive urine soaked sticks fool me into believing this was possible. That bubble burst last night when the glarinly white space of a stupid little stick stared back a me.

That empty white space threw me head first, straight into the sinkhole. You would think that your survival instincts would kick in and you'd dig and crawl your way out to breathe...

Only...

I don't want to do that.

I want to stay in this sinkhole...crying, kicking, screaming and clawing at the walls until the pain goes away.

Via

Friday, April 12, 2013

Funny Face Friday


A huge thank you to Alexis over at Our Journey Through This Lovely Life for the super cool mustache stickers...go on over and pay her a vist...she's pretty awesome!

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Life Milestones

As we pass through the arc of life the old adage of “we are born, we grow old, etc…” is known to all. When we look at our own expected life milestones there are differences depending on the environment we grew up in. Typically some of the expected events in our lifetimes include; our first words, first day of school, first kiss/love, high school graduation, college graduation, first full-time job, first promotion, meeting our partner, getting engaged, getting married, buying your first home, having a child/children and so on as your children then repeat the milestones.

For the majority of individuals, these steps seem to flow with relative ease. However when you get stuck at one of these steps or one doesn’t happen in the timely manner that you prefer, everything else in your own life plan comes to an abrupt halt as well.

It appears to me that in our society there is a large emphasis on completing the majority of these life tasks. Included in this same emphasis is the overwhelming importance of having children and starting a family. While this is the grand wish of infertile couples, it only adds to the burden and headache of the current situation.

Infertility treatments can go on for years (we first saw an RE 3 years ago).  It is during these years that time seems to stop and all other milestones take a back seat. Life’s setbacks can occur at any time to anyone, but infertility hurts physically, emotionally and sometimes financially.


We always find ourselves asking the question, “When will we reach that milestone?”


P.S. Today is 8dpo. Spotting at 6dpo.


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

It's An Art

I have a degree in Overthinking. It’s from the College in My Head, which I know for a fact is not accredited, and yet I continue to be a student there. Over the years, this not-fine art of overthinking has probably been the most difficult habit for me to break. I’d say it’s definitely been the most difficult habit for me to break, but then I’d reassess saying ‘definitely’ and probably switch it back to ‘probably.’ Is it easy being me? No. Do I have it way easier than many and create my own stress? Yes! Do I win something for that? A trophy where someone is just gently patting someone else on the back? Probably not.

Here are some examples of how it goes for me: I regularly make decisions about what other people were thinking when they said or didn't say something to me, only to later find out that they don’t even recall saying the original thing to me in the first place. That’s how much weight the moment had for them. None. Even though I've spent hours deconstructing these moments. There have been occasions when I've decided that people don’t like me and why they don’t like me during the same period of time that I was their favourite person. Here’s another. Often, when someone says that they have to talk to me, my initial instinct is that they’re either upset with me or are going to fire me. That’s right around when I try to remind myself, I'm neither friends with or working for them. My head works way harder than a rocket scientist’s...only without the super smart about rocket science part.

Now, does this happen all of the time? No. But it happens enough and one thing I know for sure…it’s a tremendous waste of energy. I have a headache thinking about the headaches I give myself. My Advil has tiny baby Advils that they take when they get a headache from my headache. There should be a self-help workbook to guide you (read: me!) out of this ridiculous pattern. Perhaps it could be loosely modeled after The Artist’s Way. But this one will be called The Overthinkers Way Out: A Spiritual Path to Thinking Less.

I have an idea. Right now I'm going to make a pledge (that likely so so few of you will care about) to try to overthink 25% less than I usually do. That seems a reasonable place to start. ¼ less overthinking. Now, I’m just showing off with my fractions. But, a girl’s gotta take it where she can get it, you know? Anyone else want to get in on this hot hot 25% less overthinking action? Vegas just called. They want a piece of this. Nevermind, they just called back. They misunderstood. They thought the bet was pledging to overthink 25% less about what I actually do with my life. Oh well. I'm still going to really try to stick to this and report back to you how it goes. I’ll also try my very hardest to, in keeping with my new pledge, overthink 25% less about you guys judging me for this blog. And for my hair. And…STOP.

Signed,
Janet “25% Less” Off Kilter



Monday, April 8, 2013

All Grown up?

I'm in my late thirties and I feel like I'm still waiting to become a grown up.

The main reason is that most of the time, I don’t know what the hell I'm doing.

With each year that passes, I'm starting to realize that I can’t be the only adult who feels this way.

I remember my mom being my age and I used to think she had it all figured out. 4 young kids (the 5th came later on)  my dad away at sea a lot and she always seemed to have it together...figured out.

I don’t have most things figured out.

I just don’t feel my age.

I like to stay up late and I still sometimes use “totally” and “awesome” in the same sentence. Me? A grown up? Nah.

I think of my future child and I'm sure that he/she will instantly know much more than I do already. Then I start thinking they'd be better off being raised by wolves.

Okay, maybe not but you get what I mean.

I have a house, a wonderful family, a job, bills to pay, and a cat. I'm just waiting to catch up to my age.

Do you feel like a grown up or do you feel like you’re sometimes pretending too?



Friday, April 5, 2013

Funny Face Friday


Happy Weekend...may it be filled with funny faces and belly laughs!


Thursday, April 4, 2013

Losing, Said Of One Who Loses

In this case...losing followers.

I don't blog for the numbers, I blog for me. It's my release, my journal. But at the same time,  I do strive to post things others might be interested in. 

I get super excited when I gain a follower. But I have to confess that I get pretty bummed out when I lose a follower. I tend to over analyze things. It's what I do (just ask Adam) and then I start to ask myself...

  • What did I do wrong?
  • Did I offend someone?
  • Am I not interesting enough?
  • Should I post more infertility posts?
  • Should I be doing things different?
  • Are my jokes and silly posts boring and dull?
  • Does Funny Face Friday annoy more than make someone smile?

Anyone else feel this way?

To better suit your tastes, what kinds of things would you like to see on Just A Little Off Kilter?


One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other


You know what I think is weird? Fake doughnuts, also known as...plain doughnuts.
 
I mean you just stroll into a Tim Horton's (or a Dunkin Donuts for my american friends. P.S. they make the best vanilla chai latte) and you see all the different flavours and types...glazed, Boston cream, vanilla dip, apple fritter, maple, double chocolate glazed. And there...just sitting among all the wonderful flavours, acting like it belongs...there is plain. 

Right there, laying next to Boston cream in it's little tissue paper lined tray with walls of the silver tray surrounding it...just like the real ones. 

But it's not! It's not one of them. It has no frosting, no sprinkles, no glaze, no cream, fillings or toppings at all. It shouldn't even be called a doughnut, or a pastry of any kind. 
 
It's just a bagel...a bagel! 

Doughnut play food by Bees Felt Market via Etsy

P.S. Today is 1dpo

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

I didn't know true horror until I accidentally pressed a button on my iPhone camera and saw my face from 2 inches away.





Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I Propose A Question To The Aliens

Dear Ancient Aliens,

So at work yesterday a co-worker and I were talking about the Bermuda Triangle...why? No idea...anyway, one thing led to another and he started talking about some mysterious place in Mexico called the "Zone of Silence" and the next thing I know...drafting that purchase order and proofing that magazine is on hold and we are Netflix-ing this documentary on you guys (I’ll explain Netflix to you later, you aliens are so ancient I bet you don’t even know what a computer is!) and holy moly, you guys are crazy! Now, I know I say that to a lot of people that I write letters to but this time, I mean it!

Why, look at all the crazy stuff you ancient aliens did! You built pyramids and you traveled through wormholes through portals made of rock on mountainsides in Peru and were all like, "Hey people, We’re Gods. Suck it!" and dumped some other rocks to tell time in Stonehenge and you could even be our ancestors – like maybe, as one of the "historians" in the documentary said, you guys were the first humans and we were the new humans and you taught us stuff but maybe also some of you stuck around to make sure we did things right. Which explains a lot about certain people (I'm not naming names) but also makes me wonder a few things about the originality of the storyline for Battlestar Galactica – and if you have not watched BSG then you need to Netflix it, ASAP. Netflix!

Netflix is this nifty system on the computer or streaming mobile device or gaming console where you just watch stuff.

I hope you ancient aliens get what I’m trying to say here. Truth be told, I find you a little bit scary to think of but mostly really cool and I’m also curious if you could pass along any info about unicorns and where they went and that kind of thing.


Regards,
Janet
Alien Visitation by Leash Free Art via Etsy

Monday, April 1, 2013

Every. Single. Person.

Lately I've been thinking about how people affect your life. Every single person you have ever known has affected your life in a positive way. I know, many of you may disagree, and contradict me to let me know there is a list of people you could have done without. Maybe. Maybe they didn't have a great role in your life at the time. Maybe they hurt you. Maybe they wasted your time. Yet I am willing to bet that if you think about it, each one of those people served some sort of purpose. Even if that purpose was to waste your time. While your time was being wasted you learned patience. Amongst other things.

While you were getting hurt you learned a lesson. Maybe you didn't learn your lesson the first time, and you needed to learn it again and again. Who knows. Maybe you are slow like me. Maybe that friend who wasn't really a friend taught you to be more selective with the people you trust. Maybe she let you down so many times you became self reliant. Maybe she was late enough times to help you realize how important punctuality really is.

It is easy to remember all the wonderful things that have happened and how they have changed you. But it is hard to see the beauty within the difficult, painful, annoying and downright maddening. All of those things helped teach you something. And I don’t necessarily mean about other people, or the situations in which things occurred, but rather about yourself. Besides, all of these things are in the past. They are no longer bad experiences, they are just memories. Harmless memories that have created who you are.

And there is never anything wrong with that.


Peg People by Craft Supply House via Etsy

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