Doing The Best You Can

Infertility sucks. Yes, we also all know that. I want to talk about it but I don't want to talk about it if that makes any sense at all? Some moments over the past few weeks have been so serious, and so dark, that I literally need a giggle. I need to laugh at something or with someone to break up all the tension. Maybe I'll squeak out a fart during one of my next ultrasounds? Too much? Or perhaps I'll giggle when I recall my visit to Winner's yesterday...

After yesterday's news, I left work around 1 pm and decided that some retail therapy was in order so off to Winner's I went (they have the best funky dresses). I found a few dresses that I wanted to try on so off to the dressing room I went. What you need to know here is that I was still wearing my winter jacket and it was still zipped up. Anyway...off I went, five items in hand and 10 minutes later...out I came with five items in hand but the difference when leaving is that I left with an unzipped jacket. What's the problem you say? I was wearing a dress that I bought at Winner's just a few days before that had apparently just arrived at the store the day that I bought it.  The "sweet" lady looked at me and promptly accused me of trying to steal the dress. Say what?? I went it with 5 and left with 5. I didn't even get a chance to say anything before she was on the speaker calling for backup! The cavalry arrived to interrogate me. After explaining myself, convincing them I was in fact wearing clothes when I entered their store and after a look through my small purse...they seemed to believe me and let me go on my merry way. I've been accused of some things in my life but thief hasn't been one of them. Sheesh!

But even on the tough days, I have forged ahead, because that is the only way I know how to handle this. I've tried to downplay the fact that this is really hard. I'm not in denial. I am just trying to do something productive with the bad cards I have been dealt. But, it doesn't negate the fact that sometimes my heart hurts. Sometimes my spirit is crushed. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to go on. I just want to give up. I'm human. I'm fallible. I don't have all the answers. Even when I put my thinking cap on and research until my fingers are numb and my brain hurts - I still can't figure it all out. That frustrates me to no end.

On the bright side, I am learning so much about myself. As cheesy as that sounds, I feel like I know more about myself and am more comfortable in my own skin than perhaps I have ever been. I am so thankful for that. Maybe this is the gift of my late 30's? Finally figuring out me, and not feeling bad about it. Maybe this is the gift of my infertility? Knowing my body in ways I have never known it. Nourishing my body in ways I was too lazy to previously nourish it when I was "healthy".The gift of my infertility? I'm still working on that one. I know it has already taught me so much, but I still don't consider it a gift. I'm sorry, it's not.

Life can be so funny. You really can't predict how it's all going to play out. You do the best you can. I think that's all anyone can ask. Do the best you can.




Comments

  1. You have been through quite the ordeal within the past few months. On one hand it seems the surgery did work in the fact you have been able to get pregnant both months. On the other hand having a chemical pregnancy is so hard and emotionally draining. You are one of the stronger people I know and I also know that you will make it through anything thrown in your path. I am always here for you. Through thick and thin.

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    1. Your friendship and caring nature is amazing and I'm thankful for it!

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  2. These past months have been a doozy. To put it mildly. I hope that you find the answers for the crazy roller coaster you've been on. Better yet, I hope you get pregnant and stay that way!

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  3. I can not believe they accused you of stealing!!! I don't see IF as a gift either, and I'm sorry you have been going through so much lately. Thinking of you and praying things start to take a turn for the better soon!

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  4. Argh! My post didn't post.

    Anyway....Infertility is definitely one "gift" I would never regift. It f'ing sucks. But if I were to try to look at it an positive light it has taught me that I'm far more resilient than I thought I was. I just wish it didn't cost thousands of dollars and oceans of tears to leant that.

    You should go back tot he winner's wearing the same dress again. Just to mess with them. ;)

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    1. Haha...I think I'll have to go back wearing that same dress!

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  5. Holy crap I have always had that fear! Whenever I go to New York and Company I just happen to be wearing their clothes I am also so nervous someone is going to accuse me of stealing! Haha! I agree with Kanis go back wearing that dress and mess with them! :) Sending you big hugs this week! I wish we lived closer so we could hang out and drink a bottle or two of wine! :)

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  6. You have had a tough week, on top of a tough month, on top of a tough year. You have every right to be discouraged, frustrated, and down in the dumps. I tend to think that we all have to go through tough times in our lives, but once we finally get through the bad stuff we emerge a better stronger person and life seems brighter than ever. I know there are good times ahead for you.

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    1. I hope you are right...good times for all!

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  7. Wow, I think I would have started crying or swearing at her for being accused of something so ridiculous. Not to mention THAT happening on top of everything else. I am glad that you are learning about yourself. You definitely come across as a balanced, thoughtful person and I hope that helps you get through all of this shit.

    Also, I agree with your first comment that these two chemicals (however horrible they must be) could be a good sign. What does your doctor think?

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    1. Haven't seen my RE yet. Today is blood work, Wednesday is u/s and we'll go from there.

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  8. My late 30s have also brought me that sense of comfort in my own skin, but dealing with IF and loss in that time as well sure doesn't make things easy, does it? I've been through two early losses myself, and I wholeheartedly agree; I can appreciate that if you've never seen a positive HPT it can seem like a long held dream, but there is no 'bright side' of losing what you barely thought you had, again and again. It's soul crushing. I'm sorry you've been dealing with so much, and am hoping for very bright things for your future. The best you can do each day is certainly enough, and in your case it seems to be marvellous!

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    1. Thank you for your kind words...they mean a great deal to me!

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  9. OH my gosh-- can't believe they accused you of stealing the dress! I've always worried something like that could happen (usually at Old Navy or Target) but I think there's too much going on there for them to really pay attention! Glad you convinced them of your innocence. They should give you a free dress for your trouble...

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  10. hi janet! your words are beautiful and real. i love the way you write with such honesty and truth. i don't think it's cheesy one bit that infertility has taught you a lot about yourself...i completely agree, that it does. :)
    i'm so sorry that you were accused of stealing...ugh, how rude! sounds like you handled it with grace.
    you made me LOL with "perhaps i should squeak out a fart at my next u/s" - awesome!
    you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. and i'll be rooting for you. <3<3
    maria

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    1. Thank you very much Maria...your kind words are very sweet and have arrived just when I needed them. xo

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  11. My dad always said something similar, "Son always, always do your best, and leave the rest up to Him" I'm really sorry your luck has been so poor with your fetility treatments. I hope that in the future that won't be the case especially as technology progressively gets better. I'm lucky as part of my work I'm tasked with visiting various fertility blogs to offer congrats and at times hope and encouragement. As we work in reproductive medicine and PGD preimplantation genetic diagnosis.

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