Turkeys & Facts

It's Thanksgiving...okay, it's Thanksgiving in the US but whatevs...I have friends in the US so it's Thanksgiving for me too (even though it's Takeout Thursday and a Jr. Bacon cheeseburger is on the menu) but still. So in honor of all things food today (and thankfulness of course) I present to you...

Eighteen food facts about Janet Off Kilter...
  • Janet Off Kilter grinds her own peppercorns. With her teeth.
  • Janet Off Kilter brushes her teeth with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine. But still...her breath smells like apple pie.
  • Janet Off Kilter doesn't reduce sauces. She demoralizes sauces.
  • Janet Off Kilter's other car is the Wienermobile.
  • Janet Off Kilter can fit three hundred and forty-two cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet...without any touching.
  • Janet Off Kilter owns the fastest mixer in existence. When she runs it in reverse, time flows backwards. 
  • Janet Off Kilter grows truffles in her back yard. And at harvest time, she sniffs them out herself.
  • Janet Off Kilter was once asked to participate in a blind orange juice taste test. She was the only person able to successfully identify the brand, style, vintage, temperature, pH level, distance to the orchard, age of the grove trees, and the names of the workers picking the fruit. Including the one who needs to start washing after bathroom breaks.
  • Janet Off Kilter once got carried away slicing carrots, and julienned her cutting board. Undaunted, she sauteed the splinters in olive oil and spices...and they were delicious.
  • Janet Off Kilter doesn't whip potatoes. The potatoes whip themselves, if they know what's good for them.
  • Janet Off Kilter can pair a wine with any food...including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, sawdust, and soylent green. It's people!
  • Janet Off Kilter slices ham so thin, it can only be seen using an electron microscope.
  • Janet Off Kilter can split a pineapple in half using only her pinkies. For coconuts, though, she has to use her thumbs. 
  • Janet Off Kilter can boil a three-minute egg in thirty-seven seconds.
  • Janet Off Kilter's fudge brownies aren't simply dark and rich. Her fudge brownies actually exert a mild gravitational pull.
  • Janet Off Kilter scrambles eggs into their individual component atoms. And can still make them into a tasty omelet.
  • Janet Off Kilter's kitchen timer is an atomic clock. It's set to GMT...Gumsmacking Morsel Time.


Comments

  1. OMG. This had me cracking up. You're like the Chuck Norris of Canada!! And SOYLENT GREEN!?!?! Hahahaha. My husband says that 'soylent green!! it's made out of people!!' (or however it goes) quote all the time. Hilarious.

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  2. you need to write a book or a column in a magazine. you rock!! i'm cracking up!!

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