Have I Gone Mad?

I've been blogging for a while now (2 years and 8 months to be exact) and it has changed me. I look at things differently, I spend my life looking for things happening around me to happen in ways that I never used to but the biggest change is my inner narrative.

I cannot remember when it started, but it must have been since I started writing because I never used to do it. I don’t just mean a normal inner narrative, where you play out the day as you go along, maybe thinking how you will tell someone about it, but I mean an inner ‘written’ narrative, complete with grammar check and title.

Whenever and wherever I am, no matter what is going on around me I’ll be writing a story in my head. I’ll change the things I see into a story. Not only that but I will do mental rewrites in order to shape it into something I like.

When did this happen to me?

It doesn't matter what it is and it never seems to go away. I’m sure I only used to do that when I was actually at the keyboard trying to type...now I do it on the move.

Almost every incident I see, that my head types out a story for, gets shelved, mainly due to the incident not being funny or interesting to me, sometimes because I forget it, but without fail the ‘story’ will get tested and sounded out in my head. If I see someone trip up on some stairs I can be five minutes away from them before I've finished planning out a blog post about it and ruled it out on account of it being nothing.

The other day I was walking by a brand new Target (that just happens to be next to my bank) that just opened near work, and my head was off to blogland again. I mentally wrote and rewrote a post all about how handy and exciting it is to have this new store open. I imagined describing the thrill of walking down new aisles picking out chocolate and bubble bath. I even spent a couple of minutes planning what I’d say I was looking forward to buying. I ‘rewrote’ that piece three times before realizing that what I was thinking was utter crap. What was I on about? Getting excited about a Target, just because it’s en route to work? Please!

What happened next made me laugh.

I realized what I was doing. I realized how utterly mad I had become, to be walking along writing a story in my head about a new Target store. What really made me gasp was when I started thinking about how I could write about thinking about writing that post. I stopped. I actually stopped walking. I thought, "And then I actually stopped walking along with a suddenness that shocked me through to the core." I waved my hand. I thought, "And then I waved my hand theatrically towards the shiny new store as it shone brightly against the dull stones of the old building it had been inserted into…"

I laughed.

I thought, "The eruption of laughter came deep from within the very depths of my soul as the ridiculousness of the inner narrative gripped my head like a vice."

And then I thought, "No, the laugh would come from my belly and grip my soul like a vice, not my head. Also I don’t think I thought up enough commas in the waving my hand line."

Argh...I am going mad!

I've become a walking talking story, writing myself as I live and then generally forgetting it all before I make it to my computer.

I think that is the worst bit...the waste of good material. While I busy myself writing mental masterpieces, I forget to do the one thing that would actually make being insane worthwhile...which is to write the bloody stuff down.

By the time I sit down to write I've forgotten all the good lines I’d worked out, and most of the actual incident to boot. Also I will remember the Target idea but forget all about the very interesting man that I saw which I've just recalled now that I’m sitting at the end of this post. I really must try and remember to write that one up...in my imagination it’s quite a good post.

So am I alone in my insanity? Do you all do it too? Are we all mad or was I just not concentrating before I started blogging? Help me out here.







Comments

  1. Haha I love this! Very meta...thinking about thinking about writing about thinking...???? I'm dizzy. :) But yes, I find myself looking at everything through the lens of storytelling now. It makes life more interesting! :)

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  2. I'll go ahead and say yes, yes you have. But I think every blogger hits that point eventually. As long as we're all mad together, right?

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    Replies
    1. It's good to know that I am not alone in my madness!

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  3. At least you are writing posts :) I also write in my head but nothing has gotten on the page in almost a year.

    I wish that Target made me feel jolly. My inner dialogue was more like "I turned my head away from the cooing, smugly pregnant couple in the next aisle and wondered to myself for the 100th time 'what department could I possibly go in to avoid all the happy pregnant ppl and babies? I'm in stationery for crying out loud!' I was only here to buy an Anniversary card for our couple friends. I remember their wedding well. I shot myself up with Lupron in the Ladies room. Those were the days!"
    You are definitely not alone :)

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