Head In The Sand

Last Friday was Cycle Day 3 and while not a momentous occasion, an important day in regards to my fertility nonetheless. 

Now that we've made the decision to move forward with IUI in the new year, it was time to measure my Day 3 levels (again). FSH, LH, and E2. I've had this done, many times...always with disappointing results, but disappointing or not, it needs to be done. Simple enough eh?

I left work at lunch, made the ten minute drive to my clinic, parked my car, grabbed my paperwork and then proceeded to sit in my freezing car for the next thirty minutes. I could not make myself get out of the car! I just couldn't. I sat there frozen in place...staring at the doors to the clinic. 

"What's wrong with you Janet?" that negative inner voice screamed at me. 
"Get out of the car"
"Go"
"Open the door...and get out of the car".

I sat there for a few more minutes, paperwork clutched tight in my hands and then started the car and drove away. I never made it into the clinic. I came back to work, locked myself in the bathroom and had myself a good 'quiet' cry. 

Here's the thing...December 21st 2011 I found out our second frozen embryo transfer had worked, I was pregnant but that joy was short lived and on Christmas Eve I found out that I was going to miscarry. Christmas was horrible, I was a wreak and spend 99% of it down in the basement with my head buried under the blankets...disconnected. I let that Christmas slip right by me and I missed out on the opportunity to spend time with my family. Time with R who we tragically lost on June 14th, 2012. It was my last Christmas with her.

Christmas 2012 was our first without R...it was as you can imagine, difficult.

Christmas 2013...I want to be happy. I didn't want the weight of what I expect to be bad news in regards to my results to weigh me down with disappointment and sadness so I drove away. 

Do I have my head in the sand? Perhaps...but I'm okay with keeping my head buried until next year.




Comments

  1. Christmas is a hard time for many people and I think you need to do whatever it takes to make it through this year. If you have to cry, shout, laugh or spit on something... whatever it takes.
    Thinking of you.

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  2. I think your decision makes a lot of sense, Janet. What's one month? I hope you have an extra-happy holiday season this year!

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  3. I'm so sorry, friend, but I think your decision was wise. Another month won't make a difference...and being able to hold onto some hope and joy at Christmas...that's worth it.

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  4. Some things can just wait a few more weeks- you have to do what's best for you and I think you did just that! Your strength and perseverance are inspiring.

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  5. You are so strong Janet! I am so glad to call you my friend :) Big hugs!

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  6. I'm right there with you. The last two Christmas's have been total crap. The last thing I want to do is invite in crap this year. I'm thinking of you. I hope the new year brings more hope and happiness.

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  7. I think this was a good decision. Rather than take the chance on news that would bring you down, it won't hurt to wait another month :)

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