Two Pigeons

I’m not terribly skilled in the art of social graces. Well, hang on. Let me be clear. I’m definitely not a public belcher, farter or nose picker. I also know which fork to use and that one should eat with one’s mouth closed. So I get the basics right. But it’s the art of greeting people that has me in a flap lately...especially when an unexpected double kiss left me reeling like a newborn deer in high heels on a frozen pond.

On greeting the unbeknown double kisser, I went in for the humble single cheek peck. The airy kind, nice and dry, accompanied by the ‘gentle hand on one shoulder’ move, more for the sake of keeping my balance than anything else. Single cheek peck completed, I pulled away from the unbeknown double kisser, re-centering my balance.But then I saw his face coming towards me again.

For a moment, time stood still as I registered what was happening. The unbeknown double kisser hovered awkwardly on his front foot, his second cheek presented, patiently waiting for me to finish the job.


Keen to smooth over my social blunder, I moved back in at speed, misjudging the propulsion required to resume the cheek kissing position. Critically, I also failed to adopt the ‘gentle hand on shoulder’ move. It ended in a crash of cheeks. I may have also stepped on his toes.

The next time I saw the double kisser I was ready for him. I had mentally prepared myself for the movements necessary to complete a well-balanced double kiss. After confidently planting the first peck, face tilted ever so slightly towards the ceiling like a flower in full bloom, I executed a perfect nose avoiding u-shape with my face that would make even a French double kisser proud. He on the other hand was pulling out.


He clearly remembered our last encounter and was kindly offering me the chance to avoid another double kiss miss. But I was firmly committed to that second peck, charging my way back in, lips pursed.

“Abandon the second kiss!”

As I cranked my engine into reverse, winding back my neck, he stuck his face forward in a last minute attempt to prevent what was looking like yet another awkward moment. We looked like a pair of drunk pigeons.

So now when I greet someone, I don’t know what to expect. One kiss? Two kisses? No kisses? When did saying hello get so technically hard?



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